Curious about dom/mes and subs in "vanilla" relationships

Everyone has their own reasons for staying. For example, I put my daughter's well being far far far above ANYTHING that I could do for myself, including sexually.

Well being

TwoShades said:

Everyone has their own reasons for staying. For example, I put my daughter's well being far far far above ANYTHING that I could do for myself, including sexually.

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As you should, but are you happy? I come from divorced parents and I gotta say the kid knows, oh how I jumped for Joy when they finally split. For two happy seperate parents are better than two sad together parents. I don't know you're situation. If sex is the only compromise and you're not seeking satisfaction outside your marriage then go you!

ultimatebliss said:

As you should, but are you happy? I come from divorced parents and I gotta say the kid knows, oh how I jumped for Joy when they finally split. For two happy seperate parents are better than two sad together parents. I don't know you're situation. If sex is the only compromise and you're not seeking satisfaction outside your marriage then go you!

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Every situation is different.

Yes that is true, but are you happy? Isn't that the goal here on this marble? To learn, love, enjoy, and be genuinely happy. I'm not talking about a romanticized notion of the word I'm talking "wow my life is really good" happy.

ultimatebliss said:

Yes that is true, but are you happy? Isn't that the goal here on this marble? To learn, love, enjoy, and be genuinely happy. I'm not talking about a romanticized notion of the word I'm talking "wow my life is really good" happy.

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My daughter is.

My time will come (again).

You don't know when your time will end, why not strive to have a of you happy? That's the part I don't get. Honesty above all for me.

ultimatebliss said:

You don't know when your time will end, why not strive to have a of you happy? That's the part I don't get. Honesty above all for me.

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Every situation is different.

All I'm saying is that in honesty true happiness occurs.

In my first marriage I had no interest in BDSM (although it flitted around in my head) with my then husband. The thought of engaging in anything of that nature with him would have been a complete turn off.

When I met my PYL 10 years ago the BDSM aspect was lurking in the background. Whether it was a coming together of two energies that brought it out in the open I don't know, I just remember being very open with him and laying my fantasies on the line. He brought it out in me as much as I brought it out for him. We have grown in that area together, and we are settled with it. Sometimes we have 'vanilla' sex, but for the most part its always BDSM related, even if its something small and not planned like him holding me down, or pulling my hair-other times its more planned and involves the stronger side of BDSM.

Our every day non sexual relationship is 'Vanilla' with a side helping of BDSM

ultimatebliss said:

I think most if you have said basically "I met my mate before I realized my kinks and while they don't share them exactly they are willing to indulge at least a little". This is not what I'm asking. I'm talking about the people I've encountered that are miserable in their sexual lives with their mates, do not bring up their kinks to them, and seek outside stimulation. That is my question.

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To be fair that's not the question you asked but clarified I understand where you are coming from.

Why if you are so unhappy with any aspect of your relationship would you stay. In this case the sex. I would rather be single than compromise something that is important to me.

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Every relationship I've ever known, seen and experienced is compromise. If you've found one that requires none then I salute you. But I've found that the relationships that appear to require no compromise usually do but it goes unseen. For instance I'd be a hermit if I could. I would not leave the house. But my wife likes to go out on Friday nights. I like our Friday night kink so I oblige. So I guess like others I switch but in a non-sexual aspect. LOL

Perfect example; a gentleman I have been sub to and friend to is now in a relationship. The lady does not like toys or kink, he says that's fine but seeks outside stimuli. He cheats. So why stay? Are "we" so scared to be alone? I don't get it. In most if the cases you all have shared I get it, it's been a long time and you have been honest and sharing with your mates it sounds like most are willing to try at least a bit. That's awesome! We obviously change over time.

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I agree with others. If someone refuses to reveal kinks to another and then cheats they are being dishonest with themselves. Its easy to justify cheating in one's mind but harder in reality.

That being said I absolutely cannot understand marriages that won't compromise in this aspect. If you truly love and care about someone there's nothing you won't try to do to make them happy.

J

Read what I wrote, yes we all compromise but I wouldn't compromise the things that are essential to my happiness, the important things. If I met a man or woman who was an avid big game hunter and made it clear that that was something I had to be a part of, I would not further a relationship.

ultimatebliss said:

Read what I wrote, yes we all compromise but I wouldn't compromise the things that are essential to my happiness, the important things. If I met a man or woman who was an avid big game hunter and made it clear that that was something I had to be a part of, I would not further a relationship.

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Hm, there is so much more to a relationship. This thread, and your posts in general, all seem to make the point that if one thing is off about the relationship it's pointless and should come to an end.

The way I see it, is if the relationship is great aside from one or two differences that occurred somewhere in the mix of things, it's strange to just dump it. Like a marriage or just a couple in General should just move on when the sex isn't good.

A person being unwilling to tell their SO about their kinks is completely valid. They most likely love that person and fear losing all the great aspects that are important to them. Being kinky is difficult and while I feel one should be honest and communicate in a healthy relationship, I also know how terribly hard that is to do.

ultimatebliss said:

I'm always curious about how/why someone with certain desires would date/marry someone who doesn't fulfill said desires. I think sex is a huge part of any relationship, why be with someone that doesn't enjoy the same kinks you do?

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Correct me if I'm wrong here (and as clarified in a later post), but it seems you're taking the position that, for you, sexual compatibility is a non-negotiable variable in your relationships. If that is so and if you are relatively young, then I pity you a bit. If you are not young and you still hold that sexual compatibility is a non-negotiable, then I wonder what sorts of relationship experiences you've had that you think you can now bend the curve.

You will not find a mate whose sexuality will be completely and constantly compatible with yours for the full 50-year run of a lifetime relationship. If you do find such a person, you'd be the first in the history of mankind. And I don't like anyone's odds of being those two people.

IrisAlthea said:

Where does it say that she betrays him?

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She is owned by another man. This is a betrayal.

HussarVanburen said:

She is owned by another man. This is a betrayal.

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Man, that is one tall horse. Hope you are wearing a helmet.

MeekMe said:

Hm, there is so much more to a relationship. This thread, and your posts in general, all seem to make the point that if one thing is off about the relationship it's pointless and should come to an end.

The way I see it, is if the relationship is great aside from one or two differences that occurred somewhere in the mix of things, it's strange to just dump it. Like a marriage or just a couple in General should just move on when the sex isn't good.

A person being unwilling to tell their SO about their kinks is completely valid. They most likely love that person and fear losing all the great aspects that are important to them. Being kinky is difficult and while I feel one should be honest and communicate in a healthy relationship, I also know how terribly hard that is to do.

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This.

I feel like I am picking on ultimatebliss. I've met and dealt with a lot of people that say "no compromise" and when they get what they want it is fantastic for them (so in a way I'm kind of jealous). But what I've seen far to often is that they either get exactly what they want at a cost (missed out on wonderful people because they didn't fit in a world view/gave up on a lot of good little stuff to get one great big thing).

I guess it comes down to how much value you place on things. I chose a good woman who cares, who is a great mother, who is pretty open-minded and is intelligent and tries damn hard. She won't let me put a ball gag in her mouth and I've learned she doesn't like the cane. I think I can compromise on these points and others.

Would it be difficult if she wasn't somewhat open minded? Sure but I think having a person who cares about you is a precursor for dealing with your kinks and craziness.

J

HussarVanburen said:

She is owned by another man. This is a betrayal.

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I'd say that's for her and her husband to decide.

Curious_in_Cali said:

Man, that is one tall horse. Hope you are wearing a helmet.

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This.

Where do I say no compromise?! I say no to compromising on the important things. I feel bad for all if you who think you can't have it all. I have been with men and women who stimulate every part of me, mind, body, heart, everything! Why do you pity me for that? It seems as though with a few exceptions it is you who is unhappy and perhaps a bit jealous of is that can be honest about our desires outside if a website. I'm not saying that the kink has to be matched completely, just that there is an open line of communication and willingness to try. I love experimenting, and when it's something I don't like I say so. That's what's so great about being an adult, we get to use our words and figure things out for ourselves. What I have come across time and time again is men who want to dominate from afar that are married and never even bring their kinks up to their wives. They are scared to, maybe ashamed? I don't know because I'm not them. But it is a turn off to me, I'm open and honest about my life and desire that in a mate. I know that there is not a cookie cutter "perfect mate" but when I do settle down I am going to make sure that person is open minded, secure, honest, and that we are so comfortable that no topic is taboo between us. Wether things are lived out to full fruition is another story. The most important part is that you are with someone you can talk to , who is willing to try, I know it is for me. And yes, sex is hugely important! Why not aspire to 50 years of amazing conversation, compassion, and fantastic sex?!

Pardon the typos.

ultimatebliss said:

Where do I say no compromise?! I say no to compromising on the important things. I feel bad for all if you who think you can't have it all. I have been with men and women who stimulate every part of me, mind, body, heart, everything! Why do you pity me for that?

It seems as though with a few exceptions it is you who is unhappy and perhaps a bit jealous of is that can be honest about our desires outside if a website. I'm not saying that the kink has to be matched completely, just that there is an open line of communication and willingness to try.

I love experimenting, and when it's something I don't like I say so. That's what's so great about being an adult, we get to use our words and figure things out for ourselves.

What I have come across time and time again is men who want to dominate from afar that are married and never even bring their kinks up to their wives. They are scared to, maybe ashamed? I don't know because I'm not them. But it is a turn off to me, I'm open and honest about my life and desire that in a mate.

I know that there is not a cookie cutter "perfect mate" but when I do settle down I am going to make sure that person is open minded, secure, honest, and that we are so comfortable that no topic is taboo between us. Wether things are lived out to full fruition is another story. The most important part is that you are with someone you can talk to , who is willing to try, I know it is for me. And yes, sex is hugely important! Why not aspire to 50 years of amazing conversation, compassion, and fantastic sex?!

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Not jealous, for sure not jealous.

If you've been with people who apparently had everything you were looking for, why is it past tense? What happened to the people who gave you everything you were looking for? Sounds to me like if you could find even one person who did that, you'd stick to it.

As for the men you keep meeting, I'm sorry you can't seem to find the right guy on the internet. It's a turn off for you, so leave and never return. But don't pretend like you're better than someone because you feel you can say anything you want in a relationship you feel is "adult" and "mature."

I don't believe anyone here was attacking you. It seems that the responses you received weren't what you were looking for so the best you could come up with "You clearly can't understand me and you're jealous you don't have what I have."

Sex is hugely important to you. For me, not so much. For a lot of others they've found other aspects of people that make them happy. Whether someone is ashamed or scared to share certain things with their significant others is their problem and in no way anything to be further shamed about.

ultimatebliss said:

As you should, but are you happy? I come from divorced parents and I gotta say the kid knows, oh how I jumped for Joy when they finally split. For two happy seperate parents are better than two sad together parents.

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But do divorcees always end up happy?

Even with an amicable split, divorce can be hard. It's likely to mean financial/housing insecurity for at least one person - and while money might not bring happiness, working a crappy job with long hours really cuts into the things that DO bring happiness. If you do find the time and energy for a relationship, you have no guarantee it's going to work out better second time around. It's also likely to mean losing a good chunk of your social network.

ultimatebliss said:

Yes that is true, but are you happy? Isn't that the goal here on this marble? To learn, love, enjoy, and be genuinely happy. I'm not talking about a romanticized notion of the word I'm talking "wow my life is really good" happy.

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Not everybody has a clear path to that kind of "happy".

Tom and Jane have been together for ten years. They've got two small kids. Tom works in an industry that expects long and irregular hours. Jane has sporadic health problems that prevent her from holding down a job, although she has enough energy to look after the kids a couple of nights a week when Tom's working late. And neither of them are satisfied with their sex lives.

So where does separation take them? Being an unemployable single mother is tough, and from what I hear the dating options aren't great. Tom's position isn't much better - he has a job but he can't be there for the kids when they need him. If he's the one who initiated the separation he gets to feel guilty about Jane's situation, and explaining the reasons to their friends is humiliating for both of them. Both of them will feel lonely, without somebody to share those little in-jokes and traditions and hobbies that they've built up between them.

Oh, and Tom's parents are staunch Roman Catholics who believe marriage is for life, so he knows in advance that they're going to disapprove of any new partner he finds.

Put all that together, and they might well decide that separation isn't going to get them any closer to "happy" than they already are.

Mates

MeekMe said:

Not jealous, for sure not jealous.

If you've been with people who apparently had everything you were looking for, why is it past tense? What happened to the people who gave you everything you were looking for? Sounds to me like if you could find even one person who did that, you'd stick to it.

As for the men you keep meeting, I'm sorry you can't seem to find the right guy on the internet. It's a turn off for you, so leave and never return. But don't pretend like you're better than someone because you feel you can say anything you want in a relationship you feel is "adult" and "mature."

I don't believe anyone here was attacking you. It seems that the responses you received weren't what you were looking for so the best you could come up with "You clearly can't understand me and you're jealous you don't have what I have."

Sex is hugely important to you. For me, not so much. For a lot of others they've found other aspects of people that make them happy. Whether someone is ashamed or scared to share certain things with their significant others is their problem and in no way anything to be further shamed about.

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We are all on the same site ABOUT KINKS! It's odd to me that you don't think sex is extremely important. I'm single because I am not in need of a relationship, I would rather be single than with an unsuited match. Just because someone is perfect on paper it doesn't mean I want to spend my life with them. Until I meet that person or perhaps reconnect at a better time I shall remain single. My question was and remains to be one of curiosity, some people have answered the rest have "picked on me" ( as stated by a gentleman above). If you are on a site focused on kink it leads me to believe it is important to you. I'm just curious as to why so many I've encountered are not comfortable sharing with their mates. It's one thing to meet someone that blows you away and hen compromise because that is what makes you happy, it's quite another to be with someone that you Are not happy with and seek outside satisfaction. That's what I'm talking about. The men who have complained to me about their vanilla relationships, where sex is very important to them and they're not getting it. Don't judge me because sex is a big factor for me just as I won't judge you if it isn't. I lead my life honestly, that's what is important to me. Maybe it's weird that I don't need a long term relationship, but if I do meet someone and when I do engage in sexual acts with anyone I'm honest about what I like and I ask them to be with me. I've said no to certain things just like I've been said no to.

ultimatebliss said:

Pardon the typos.

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Why should we, when you're aware that you made them yet did not bother to edit them out of your post?

The "S" in BDSM doesn't stand for "sex".

Not everyone places the same importance on sex. You can be kinky as HELL and still not have it as a high priority. I'm sorry that this concept is difficult for you to understand, but that's just individual variance. It's just how it is. I know you say you don't judge people for sex not being a big factor, but your tone and insistence that "it doesn't make sense" says otherwise. To address the question:

Whatever the priority, kink IS very personal and the fear of rejection from anyone (be it a stranger or a partner) can be overwhelming. It's emotionally difficult to distance yourself from someone you love (which you risk by telling them and pushing the issue). It is financially and legally difficult to leave a partnership (even if it's not a marriage!). Particularly when love is involved, people risk SO MUCH by sharing something as personal as kink. What if they tell my boss? What if my family finds out and disowns me?

What if I lose them forever?

If they are fundamentally not happy in their relationship, then it is NOT a sex-issue (unless, of course, it's an entirely sex-based relationship). Yes, if you are unhappy in a relationship it makes COMPLETE sense to leave it and find a better relationship. But that's not necessarily related to sex, even if that's the complaint. If you do some thorough reading of many of the complaints people put on this forum about their vanilla partners, you inevitably begin to discover it breaks down to communication issues NOT sexual issues.

Sometimes, when we say "My partner won't flog me" we mean, deep down, "My partner doesn't listen. My partner doesn't consider me. My partner doesn't CARE."

Those are MUCH bigger issues, and those are the reasons to leave a relationship.