I have given this a lot of thought. And I hope the group will respond to my comments and questions here.
I have slowly discovered how turned on I am by seeing images and video of both intersexual sex with transsexuals and gay sex. It awakened desires I never knew that I had. I am still not and will likely never be attracted to men, especially romantically. I just don't have any such feelings. But I find a stiff cock to be absolutely hypnotic. After having sucked several guys to completion and loving it, I now fantasize about being topped bareback and having a partner cum inside me. It is an intense desire.
The logical side of me has fought off actually doing this. But when my libido kicks in out of the blue, I find myself shaking at the thought of going through with it.
Today, I parked at a hotel next to where I get my hair cut. It was the scene of an encounter that I had with a guy a few years ago. I thought I had put this out of my mind. But when I walked past where I had my rendezvous, it awakened deep erotic desires. I found myself twitching and short of breath thinking about sucking cock and feeling a guy's stiff cock rubbing mine. If someone had opened their hotel room door and motioned me in at that moment, I would have walked in willingly and done whatever I was asked to do.
Driving home, I thought about that moment. The logical side said, "But you are married. You have a wife who loves you. Okay, she lost the desire for sex years ago, and perhaps that is what led you to this point. But shouldn't you be focusing on staying faithful above everything else? Think for a moment all that you would lose if you were caught with a guy —*your marriage, your home, your career, your reputation. What if the man you met was HIV positive? Are your urges worth that risk?"
That all makes sense. But the illogical side of me feels completely powerless. Sucking cock is such a deliriously incredible experience for me. And any video or .gifs that I have seen of the initial penetration of a cock sliding into a guy's ass leaves me breathlessly shaking, even though I have never enjoyed the experience. It is an overwhelming thought.
I am a people-pleaser at heart. I was brought up in a conservative Midwestern Catholic family and programmed to be repulsed by gay sex. But years of life on my own and stumbling across gay and transsexual sex thanks to the internet shattered all that programming. The idea and dynamic of pleasing a guy fits the people-pleaser that I am. Why now at this stage of my life I learned to feel this way, when I find women so beautiful, remains a mystery.
I am stuck. I have no idea how to find someone who could be discreet, who would be patient, and would guide me to be the bottom that I fantasize about being. I would love your ideas on how I could meet someone safe who could seduce me and bring me into the world of gay sex.
My being here and writing these words speaks volumes of what I have become.
Please, if you could reflect on what I have written here and provide your thoughts and perspective in response, that would help more than you know. Thank you!
I don't have any advice to give, but I can certainly relate to your experiences, thoughts and feelings.