Let's Talk About 'Gentle' FemDom

[hotoldrguy]

To me (and I am very new to this) Gentle Femdom is about the woman being in control of the situation not about what she is wearing. It involves a lot of trust and understanding the male as a person. What he likes, what makes him uncomfortable and how far the woman can stretch all of that.
Again it is about the woman's control of the situation and the male's obedience. I do not think it is about pain...unless that is something both want to pursue.

I think I have learned something from one particular Litster

 

[CuteAndLovelyYetHorny]

So happy to see this thread

Hi everyone, unburying this thread because I suddenly discovered I wasn't the only one to be into gentle-femdom on lit, what's so great! And I think I have some different things to say on the matter (warning, it goes slightly political).

I see some archetypes on gfd in fact, mostly two:
- One that loves sexual things and need to be nurtured by his dominant
- One that loves daily household family lifestyle.

The second one is less frequent but is more about being told what to do, doing the chores, letting the woman take the decisions, and I can't really say more about it...

I can speak for the first type in fact, because I'm pretty much representative of its known part on 4chan and tumblr, and it's interesting to hear from others people we usually don't see into that ebcase there reasons are differents.
But for my case, and what I think many of those into memes and animes: it's a mental defense mechanism for lacking relationships and being submissive. To make some humor, if you're a virgin "beta" or quite in your 20s, then you can choose between gentle femdom or the alt-right! But it's not irony to say it's predetermined to the left, since we need to get over the social norm of what a man is, and later, the in-group norm of what femdom is (aka what porn shows), since it takes to abandon both.

From my personal experience, I recall some hints that I was gonna turn gfd, out of being an introvert nerd but in my femdom tastes. For exemple I was "born sexually" into strictly ballbusting, for 7 or 8 years, and I first thought I got slowly into foot fetish, and very recently I understood that I never really had one, but I particularly liked feets into shoes, and some only, that let see them; soon after, I realised I loved strings in clothes (tops, bras, stilettos, panties, pantyhoses).
Not only these are two unexisting and way too specific fetishes, but it's also linked to delicate gestures, like holding a shoe and kissing or putting it off carefully, or giving kisses along a string on the skin, same that hand kissing loses half of its devotion power if the guy doesn't holds the princess/queen's hand (roleplay or not, in history and Disneys too^^). That's all about symbols, gestures and symbolics, more than just a body part or a turn-on on a list.

I also never understood why BDSM was so strict since it was supposed to be 2 people doing what they like, in total liberty. The discovery that there could be that idea that subs were sub-human, and some mistresses thought the only true way to be submissive was to have a life centered around your particular dominant scared me at first, than I saw some subs were into that, so that's cool, it's their rights, the problem is when it becomes the only valid way to be. For me gentle femdom is about sharing pleasure and having a good time, in a totally free way.

 

[Blue]

I can speak for the first type in fact, because I'm pretty much representative of its known part on 4chan and tumblr, and it's interesting to hear from others people we usually don't see into that ebcase there reasons are differents.
But for my case, and what I think many of those into memes and animes: it's a mental defense mechanism for lacking relationships and being submissive. To make some humor, if you're a virgin "beta" or quite in your 20s, then you can choose between gentle femdom or the alt-right! But it's not irony to say it's predetermined to the left, since we need to get over the social norm of what a man is, and later, the in-group norm of what femdom is (aka what porn shows), since it takes to abandon both.

...??

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Hi everyone...

Well.

Thank you for the bump!

...??

Hi Blue!

 

[Blue]

Hi Blue!

Hi Wild Honey

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Hi Wild Honey

I'm tired of online 'exploring.' It's frustrating.

I can't wait to be free to meet people and talk about kink in person.

 

[yukonnights]

Hi everyone, unburying this thread because I suddenly discovered I wasn't the only one to be into gentle-femdom on lit, what's so great! And I think I have some different things to say on the matter (warning, it goes slightly political).

I see some archetypes on gfd in fact, mostly two:
- One that loves sexual things and need to be nurtured by his dominant
- One that loves daily household family lifestyle.

The second one is less frequent but is more about being told what to do, doing the chores, letting the woman take the decisions, and I can't really say more about it...

I can speak for the first type in fact, because I'm pretty much representative of its known part on 4chan and tumblr, and it's interesting to hear from others people we usually don't see into that ebcase there reasons are differents.
But for my case, and what I think many of those into memes and animes: it's a mental defense mechanism for lacking relationships and being submissive. To make some humor, if you're a virgin "beta" or quite in your 20s, then you can choose between gentle femdom or the alt-right! But it's not irony to say it's predetermined to the left, since we need to get over the social norm of what a man is, and later, the in-group norm of what femdom is (aka what porn shows), since it takes to abandon both.

From my personal experience, I recall some hints that I was gonna turn gfd, out of being an introvert nerd but in my femdom tastes. For exemple I was "born sexually" into strictly ballbusting, for 7 or 8 years, and I first thought I got slowly into foot fetish, and very recently I understood that I never really had one, but I particularly liked feets into shoes, and some only, that let see them; soon after, I realised I loved strings in clothes (tops, bras, stilettos, panties, pantyhoses).
Not only these are two unexisting and way too specific fetishes, but it's also linked to delicate gestures, like holding a shoe and kissing or putting it off carefully, or giving kisses along a string on the skin, same that hand kissing loses half of its devotion power if the guy doesn't holds the princess/queen's hand (roleplay or not, in history and Disneys too^^). That's all about symbols, gestures and symbolics, more than just a body part or a turn-on on a list.

I also never understood why BDSM was so strict since it was supposed to be 2 people doing what they like, in total liberty. The discovery that there could be that idea that subs were sub-human, and some mistresses thought the only true way to be submissive was to have a life centered around your particular dominant scared me at first, than I saw some subs were into that, so that's cool, it's their rights, the problem is when it becomes the only valid way to be. For me gentle femdom is about sharing pleasure and having a good time, in a totally free way.

Welcome CuteandLovely... I'm glad you found a place where you could learn something important about yourself. If I know anything, it's all about learning. The inner folds of our sexualities offer a unique journey for us all. I would like to hope that Gentle-Femdom is something that continues to become more accepted in society as time goes on.

I was able to understand some of your points, but others slipped by. Hopefully you will continue to share what you've learned and what you're still learning. I've found that sometimes, the forums are better suited for small bites at a time. Anyway, hope you continue sharing and even further explaining some of your thoughts above. ~

 

[Blue]

I'm tired of online 'exploring.' It's frustrating.

I can't wait to be free to meet people and talk about kink in person.

If that includes me then sorry to disappoint 'cause I'm really not inclined to do meet ups.
Maybe skype with Farawyn or something?

 

[yukonnights]

I'm tired of online 'exploring.' It's frustrating.

I can't wait to be free to meet people and talk about kink in person.

Oh the common dilemma of so much in life...I'm still waiting to meet the real Santa Clause. (I was banned from the mall last year for causing a scene about impostors...I ashamed that I'm not sorry )

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

If that includes me then sorry to disappoint 'cause I'm really not inclined to do meet ups.
Maybe skype with Farawyn or something?

I was just venting.

 

[Blue]

I was just venting.

Oh I misunderstood.
Well I hope you eventually acquire that future anyway.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Oh I misunderstood.
Well I hope you eventually acquire that future anyway.

No problem.

I think I'm discouraged enough that it's sucked the wind out of my sails. Which can be a good thing, I suppose.

Have a great day everyone!

 

[ericandshannon]

Gentle femdom

So what is gentle femdom? Is it anytime the woman asumes a more aggressive role? I my relationship we both are the agresser at times. Is it when she penetrates me? Or is it when a woman is totally In Control, makes you wear panties and suck on her dildo but doesn't do it in a domamatrix, flogging degrading kind a way?

 

[yukonnights]

So what is gentle femdom? Is it anytime the woman asumes a more aggressive role? I my relationship we both are the agresser at times. Is it when she penetrates me? Or is it when a woman is totally In Control, makes you wear panties and suck on her dildo but doesn't do it in a domamatrix, flogging degrading kind a way?

Pretty much all you mentioned. I wouldn't try to make a definitive definition, but in general it's a reversal of the stereotypical norms in a m/f relationship. It can range from vanilla to kinky, but as you noted above it lacks the more theatrical and extreme BDSM elements. I think you have the right ideas.

(If you haven't already found it, there's a thread over in the BDSM Cafe which is more dedicated to photos of some of the themes.)

 

[CuteAndLovelyYetHorny]

Welcome CuteandLovely... I'm glad you found a place where you could learn something important about yourself. If I know anything, it's all about learning. The inner folds of our sexualities offer a unique journey for us all. I would like to hope that Gentle-Femdom is something that continues to become more accepted in society as time goes on.

I was able to understand some of your points, but others slipped by. Hopefully you will continue to share what you've learned and what you're still learning. I've found that sometimes, the forums are better suited for small bites at a time. Anyway, hope you continue sharing and even further explaining some of your thoughts above. ~

Thank you, it's really great to read the various experiences! Well, I found myself already by writing a book-long story in french in fact, tired of writing in english and never ending my stories, and then I decided to write more shorter ones and for an international audience so that's why I'm here, so share gfd to the world

I'm half-sure about being accepted in society (more like in the BDSM comunity right?), mainstream society already has to understand the basic kink world without clichés of mental instability and Freudian bullshit, and there's progress but the road is long... but inside the femdom community, I think there's that "sub-subculture pride" you know, the cognitive dissonance between being accepted and remaining proud of our differences and remain obscure (because we walked a long path to understand who we were ad why we loved it, sorry to make analogies everytime but I feel that way as much as about gdf than my music scene and elitiste tastes in anime lol).

About what makes gentle femdom "gentle", to me it's not about what you do, it's how you do it, the domme just needs to be nurturing and not authoritarian, and the rest in entirely free. I mean by free like, free of any invisibles bounds created by the authority in the traditional scene: humiliation can be sarcastic instead of degrading, outfits are free, both people can call each other as they feel to make the other happy instead of a strict name (in all my stories, the male rotagonist randomly calls his girlfriend if he has "my princess/queen/goddess/love" and by her first name, changing everytime) ect...
There's no need to fake to not like a punishment, you love it so it's not a punishment and everyone has fun, or you decide to roleplay freely; and there's no reason to give an actual punishment if your kink isn't to be forced to do what you don't like. Neither there is a dictature of "pushing your limits", or spankings that "must end in tears" as I used to read way too much times (according to the long forgotten ancient knowledge of "SSC" at least). Gfd is like saying "I reclaim the right to just have shared fun without hassle", and since it's really free, I think it can be anything as long as the end goal is just that.

 

[RacyWilde]

So what is gentle femdom? Is it anytime the woman asumes a more aggressive role? I my relationship we both are the agresser at times. Is it when she penetrates me? Or is it when a woman is totally In Control, makes you wear panties and suck on her dildo but doesn't do it in a domamatrix, flogging degrading kind a way?

A D/s relationship is about power exchange. The control and authority in the relationship is ‘given’ to/ ‘assumed' by the dominant person. There is a lot of confusion about the word Femdom as it essentially means three things: It is a category of porn, an abbreviation of the concept Female Domination and it also describes a female dominant, her role.

Separating from the male form:
Gentle Dom (a term which collects both males and females – yes) as described on other sites, is the type of play in a relationship – the lighter side of pain, bondage and phycological impact, as opposed to the heavy sadist tendencies of pushing to the extreme. Simply, Gentle Femdom is the female separatist version of Gentle Dom where the female is the lead in the relationship. Likewise, Dom/Domme, Master/Mistress. But of course, females can still use Gentle Dom.

Porn:
Gentle Femdom is becoming a concept to reject extreme Female Domination stereotypes you see in porn, female supremacist and pro-Domme videos. Some people believe porn has hijacked the work Femdom and so they want another word to distinguish themselves from it.

General Concept:
Female Domination is a collective term that describes the concept of a female lead relationships, typically in BDSM. Being a collective term, it means there is no one way of 'doing’ female domination. A Domme can be gentle, sadistic, or a combination of those if she wants. She can be strict, easy-going, focus on punishments or high protocol. She can be whoever she wants to be, and do whatever she wants to do.
The problem with the term Gentle Femdom is that it supposes Femdom isn’t gentle.

To complicate things even further:

Creating a Stereotype:
The term Gentle Femdom is being used to describe a particular style of dominance (as I’ve seen people here using describing words such as “softer”, “feminine”, “caring”, “nurturing”). The reason why this is bad: Firstly, all dominance is unique and should not be typecast. Secondly, in essence, the more subcategories, the less freedom, the less individualism. Femdom describes female domination in all it’s glory, leaving room for individual expression. Gentle Femdom only describes a small part of it and when the sub-category does become a solid definition it will box a female into a type… and a stereotype will be born. (And then will females reject it for another?)

Role:
And yes, to confuse things more, the word Femdom in itself describes not just Female Domination but also a female dominant, her role. You could argue that Gentle Femdom is the title of a female dominant who practices ‘gentle’ dominance, just as Dominatrix and Mommy Domme, but again, gentle dominance is so ambiguous, and creates confusion – it hasn’t found a true definition yet. Logic has it, that if each Gentle Femdom has their own definition of what gentle femdom is/what their own dominance is... what's the use for this term in the first place? Why not just be a Femdom?

The need to be special:
In the scene, people dispute the need for the term Gentle Femdom – are we just splitting hairs? – especially since we already have Sensualist, Mommy Domme, Domina, Femdom, Domme, etc that all can posses the idea of a more gentle style of domination. People who describe themselves as a Gentle Femdom obviously feel the need to stand out from the crowd, to be distinguish. They reject individualism within a concept and want to be defined more acutely. This could be to attract a certain type of submissive, to reject the stereotypes developed largely by the porn industry and media, or they want to be seen as unique by forming a sub-category for their uniqueness.

But the question is, why do certain women feel the need to separate their dominance from all other dominant females? When you divide something you make it weaker. For example, females dividing up Feminism into subcategories – liberal, radical, socialist, cultural, eco, etc – to the point where they have no common ground and are often at odds with each other. Do we really want this by subdividing Femdom?

 

[yukonnights]

A D/s relationship is about power exchange. The control and authority in the relationship is ‘given’ to/ ‘assumed' by the dominant person. There is a lot of confusion about the word Femdom as it essentially means three things: It is a category of porn, an abbreviation of the concept Female Domination and it also describes a female dominant, her role....
uniqueness.

....But the question is, why do certain women feel the need to separate their dominance from all other dominant females? When you divide something you make it weaker. For example, females dividing up Feminism into subcategories – liberal, radical, socialist, cultural, eco, etc – to the point where they have no common ground and are often at odds with each other. Do we really want this by subdividing Femdom?

A well written examination, IMO.

As I was reading, the thing that came to mind is somewhat the opposite of the concept that all subdivisions of Femdom should be placed in one box. On the one hand, I think it is impossible since once anyone "enters that box" they will instinctively begin to sift through the "contents" seeking that one special "prize" they long for. One the other hand, it seems to be a vain attempt to homogenize distinct expresses of sexual personalities into one container.

Dividing and sifting ourselves is obviously a natural instinct. Compare it to voting; We all vote but that does not imply we all fit into one box. It follows through with virtually all human traits/likes/dislikes. So, while your argument makes an altruistic point, it seems to me that human individualism renders it impossible.

 

[yukonnights]

Thank you, it's really great to read the various experiences! Well, I found myself already by writing a book-long story in french in fact, tired of writing in english and never ending my stories, and then I decided to write more shorter ones and for an international audience so that's why I'm here, so share gfd to the world

I'm half-sure about being accepted in society (more like in the BDSM comunity right?), mainstream society already has to understand the basic kink world without clichés of mental instability and Freudian bullshit, and there's progress but the road is long... but inside the femdom community, I think there's that "sub-subculture pride" you know, the cognitive dissonance between being accepted and remaining proud of our differences and remain obscure (because we walked a long path to understand who we were ad why we loved it, sorry to make analogies everytime but I feel that way as much as about gdf than my music scene and elitiste tastes in anime lol).

About what makes gentle femdom "gentle", to me it's not about what you do, it's how you do it, the domme just needs to be nurturing and not authoritarian, and the rest in entirely free. I mean by free like, free of any invisibles bounds created by the authority in the traditional scene: humiliation can be sarcastic instead of degrading, outfits are free, both people can call each other as they feel to make the other happy instead of a strict name (in all my stories, the male rotagonist randomly calls his girlfriend if he has "my princess/queen/goddess/love" and by her first name, changing everytime) ect...
There's no need to fake to not like a punishment, you love it so it's not a punishment and everyone has fun, or you decide to roleplay freely; and there's no reason to give an actual punishment if your kink isn't to be forced to do what you don't like. Neither there is a dictature of "pushing your limits", or spankings that "must end in tears" as I used to read way too much times (according to the long forgotten ancient knowledge of "SSC" at least). Gfd is like saying "I reclaim the right to just have shared fun without hassle", and since it's really free, I think it can be anything as long as the end goal is just that.

I'm glad you decided to join our little community, and look forward to more of your contributions !

 

[lakesailer_mi]

A D/s relationship is about power exchange. The control and authority in the relationship is ‘given’ to/ ‘assumed' by the dominant person. There is a lot of confusion about the word Femdom as it essentially means three things: It is a category of porn, an abbreviation of the concept Female Domination and it also describes a female dominant, her role.

Separating from the male form:
Gentle Dom (a term which collects both males and females – yes) as described on other sites, is the type of play in a relationship – the lighter side of pain, bondage and phycological impact, as opposed to the heavy sadist tendencies of pushing to the extreme. Simply, Gentle Femdom is the female separatist version of Gentle Dom where the female is the lead in the relationship. Likewise, Dom/Domme, Master/Mistress. But of course, females can still use Gentle Dom.

Porn:
Gentle Femdom is becoming a concept to reject extreme Female Domination stereotypes you see in porn, female supremacist and pro-Domme videos. Some people believe porn has hijacked the work Femdom and so they want another word to distinguish themselves from it.

General Concept:
Female Domination is a collective term that describes the concept of a female lead relationships, typically in BDSM. Being a collective term, it means there is no one way of 'doing’ female domination. A Domme can be gentle, sadistic, or a combination of those if she wants. She can be strict, easy-going, focus on punishments or high protocol. She can be whoever she wants to be, and do whatever she wants to do.
The problem with the term Gentle Femdom is that it supposes Femdom isn’t gentle.

To complicate things even further:

Creating a Stereotype:
The term Gentle Femdom is being used to describe a particular style of dominance (as I’ve seen people here using describing words such as “softer”, “feminine”, “caring”, “nurturing”). The reason why this is bad: Firstly, all dominance is unique and should not be typecast. Secondly, in essence, the more subcategories, the less freedom, the less individualism. Femdom describes female domination in all it’s glory, leaving room for individual expression. Gentle Femdom only describes a small part of it and when the sub-category does become a solid definition it will box a female into a type… and a stereotype will be born. (And then will females reject it for another?)

Role:
And yes, to confuse things more, the word Femdom in itself describes not just Female Domination but also a female dominant, her role. You could argue that Gentle Femdom is the title of a female dominant who practices ‘gentle’ dominance, just as Dominatrix and Mommy Domme, but again, gentle dominance is so ambiguous, and creates confusion – it hasn’t found a true definition yet. Logic has it, that if each Gentle Femdom has their own definition of what gentle femdom is/what their own dominance is... what's the use for this term in the first place? Why not just be a Femdom?

The need to be special:
In the scene, people dispute the need for the term Gentle Femdom – are we just splitting hairs? – especially since we already have Sensualist, Mommy Domme, Domina, Femdom, Domme, etc that all can posses the idea of a more gentle style of domination. People who describe themselves as a Gentle Femdom obviously feel the need to stand out from the crowd, to be distinguish. They reject individualism within a concept and want to be defined more acutely. This could be to attract a certain type of submissive, to reject the stereotypes developed largely by the porn industry and media, or they want to be seen as unique by forming a sub-category for their uniqueness.

But the question is, why do certain women feel the need to separate their dominance from all other dominant females? When you divide something you make it weaker. For example, females dividing up Feminism into subcategories – liberal, radical, socialist, cultural, eco, etc – to the point where they have no common ground and are often at odds with each other. Do we really want this by subdividing Femdom?

This is a really insightful and wonderful post. I really appreciate it.
I think you have made a number of VERY excellent points and I thank you.

Some really important statements here that I want to highlight:
"Female Domination is a collective term that describes the concept of a female lead relationships, typically in BDSM."
"Gentle Femdom is becoming a concept to reject extreme Female Domination stereotypes you see in porn."
Plus the statement boldfaced by the poster already. VERY important.

There have been a number of conversations here about what exactly is meant by this term. I think you make a great point about dividing Femdom and that each relationship is different and probably contains myriad elements.

I think though, there is some benefit here, and let me just simply say that I would never have considered that I might want to be in a Female Dominated D/s relationship prior to being "told" about "Gentle Femdom." Yes, it's true, I was basing my beliefs on stereotypes. Bad on me. But I had not seen, nor been exposed to anything else. The label, "Gentle Femdom" provides a starting place for discussions surrounding alternatives to the archetypes you mention above that so dominate (ha ha) the porn industry and in general, the discussions I've seen elsewhere.

This label, like any other label (e.g PYL/pyl), is open to interpretation and we need to be careful not to turn it into a "box." Not to turn it into a "right way" or "wrong way." Nor to make it exclusive etc.

We should always be careful with labels, especially when we are talking about relationships. And that is, after all, what we are talking about here.

But, they do sometimes provide a starting point for discussion. And it is exactly this starting point that provokes your very insightful and valuable post. And other similar posts. Posts that I think...that I hope...will help others navigate and negotiate their own relationships.

So, I thank you for that post. It helped me a lot. And I think it will help other.
I humbly hope that mine also can help.

Lakey.

 

[cookiecat]

RacyWild wrote:

But the question is, why do certain women feel the need to separate their dominance from all other dominant females? When you divide something you make it weaker. For example, females dividing up Feminism into subcategories – liberal, radical, socialist, cultural, eco, etc – to the point where they have no common ground and are often at odds with each other. Do we really want this by subdividing Femdom?

Yes, we really want this. It doesn't make Femdom any weaker. In fact, as lakesailer mentions below, it opens the door for more conversation. Opens the door for more exploration.

This is the bdsm section of Lit, right? It's useful to talk about the different factions of anything -- hopefully opening up new perspectives, help new folks figure out where they fit.

I call bullshit on this, especially bolded part:

The need to be special:
In the scene, people dispute the need for the term Gentle Femdom – are we just splitting hairs? – especially since we already have Sensualist, Mommy Domme, Domina, Femdom, Domme, etc that all can posses the idea of a more gentle style of domination. People who describe themselves as a Gentle Femdom obviously feel the need to stand out from the crowd, to be distinguish. They reject individualism within a concept and want to be defined more acutely. This could be to attract a certain type of submissive, to reject the stereotypes developed largely by the porn industry and media, or they want to be seen as unique by forming a sub-category for their uniqueness.

What the fuck?

They reject individualism?? What?

I completely agree with wanting to reject stereotypes developed by the porn industry. That's why the thread was created. And who doesn't want to be seen as unique? Be an individual? This vitriol feels like a mean-spirited jab.

<snipped>

We should always be careful with labels, especially when we are talking about relationships. And that is, after all, what we are talking about here.

But, they do sometimes provide a starting point for discussion. And it is exactly this starting point that provokes your very insightful and valuable post. And other similar posts. Posts that I think...that I hope...will help others navigate and negotiate their own relationships.

^^ This.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The success of this thread seems proof enough that intentionally carving out a niche for those who identify with this particular approach has been useful and constructive, making femdom in all of its varieties more accessible to those who may never have given it a chance otherwise.

How many who have joined us here would be reluctant to post in the more mainstream femdom threads? I wanted more than lurkers, I wanted men and women to come out of the shadows and engage in meaningful conversation. I wanted to create a welcoming place where people could read and question and share and perhaps even dip in their toe and discover that HEY WOW! MAYBE I DO LIKE FEMDOM!

The proof is in the pudding.

 

[Blue]

Just stop thinking of descriptors as though they're identities and the world will be a happier place.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Just stop thinking of descriptors as though they're identities and the world will be a happier place.

True. Very true.

(I was tempted to say, "True, Blue") LMAO...I crack myself up....

 

[Blue]

True. Very true.

(I was tempted to say, "True, Blue") LMAO...I crack myself up....

Oh wow that brings back childhood memories.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CP8Dn-tyU9Q

 

[lakesailer_mi]

Oh wow that brings back childhood memories.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CP8Dn-tyU9Q

um...you are somewhat younger than I....

(damn I'm old....)