your face is such a lovely color pink between my thighs (feedback welcome!)

[missandrist92]

your face is such a lovely color pink between my thighs

I was having a hard time,
so, he crawled into our bed, sucked on my toes
kissed the backsides of my knees like pulling out a drawer with his teeth
full of ticket stubs and traffic jams
(we were sick of winter)
blood stains and a copper taste
(we just missed the sun)
I was having a hard time
when he said he’d like to draw me,
to stencil out my skyline, trace the mountains of my hips and
the pink valley of my cunt

god, he sleeps with such simplicity
such noble quiet sounds
I wake with salt encrusted eyes, his hands mixed in
my folds of skin, our sheets so stained
blood dried like lines of drugs we never did
we share this place, its creaking walls
bullet holes through our front door
he wakes before me in the morning, burns his hands
in scalding water, reads my spring lake eyes
(the color of his paintings)
like books I long to wear as pearls
my blood runs red and down my thighs



feedback is welcome, don't hold back anything.

 

[twelveoone]

What i getting is an interesting persona, setting. The two don't quite mesh. A sense of alienation and resignation, is that want you want?
Time to ask yourself, what do you want this to do?
Do you wish to make it more poetic, or keep it prose like?
Now what doesn't support what you want to do, toss. It does have a tendency to drag, that may be a problem with readers.

like pulling out a drawer with his teeth
full of ticket stubs and traffic jams

The problem here with a lack of punctuation is it defaults to the last noun, more so than if you did have it ( teeth full of stubs and jams)

the pink valley of my cunt
I'm surprised I like this line as much as I do, it may be the abrupt sound of the word cunt
overall, I like

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Must say I got a bit stuck at 'backsides of my knees' ........ over here a backside is a butt

 

[EMPRESSLAINIE]

Your beautiful ginger hair tickles my thighs when I look down and see your wonderful glowing face between my legs. The ecstasy goes on and on and on.

 

[Neonurotic]

This doesn't mean I don't like your poem, but I really do like the title. It's eye-catching. However with a small edit, it's better: "Your face is such a lovely shade of pink between my thighs"