Feed back on my Poem

[Veroticagirl]

Art Climax is my first poem in long while and would love some feedback please. Thanks and be kind, blows a sweet kiss.

This tall dark stranger in the museum,

We look at the same art.

The arousal, the pull, the intrigue.

I could not resist.

My hand started to move along my body.

Caressing my full breasts, feeling the fullness.

The tingles start to prick along my skin.

My hands move lower like I have no say.

He moves behind me taking my hand in his.

Guiding it under my skirt, between my legs.

Feeling the dampness of my panties, we moan.

Sliding our fingers between the fabric to reach the wet tender folds.

Silkiness’ meets our tips, and they circle and circle.

The rhythm seems to build faster as we embrace.

The warm breath on my neck.

The hard cock against my ass.

Our fingers intwined with each other as he brings me close to my climax.

The warm feeling floods my body, I start to shake and buck and thrust into our fingers as the climax burst through me like a tidal wave.

As we look at the same art.

 

[Lyricalli]

I like the premise... erotic encounter with intriguing stranger in an unexpected public place,

Because of your line breaks, a space between each one, and each line ending in full stop, the read is a bit stilted. I'd recommend reading this aloud to yourself, using the full stops and the space between each sentence as an extended pause. Reading poetry aloud is a good way to get a feel of how it sounds vs how it reads on the page, particularly when its your own work.

Each sentence is punctuated by full stops, and that creates the expectation of full sentences, though many of these are mostly fragments, and that really stands out. This would benefit from a different flow, one that brings the reader in and weaves them through the experience. Currently, it reads more as a list of actions, instead of the engaging plotline it could be.


There is an oft used piece of direction/advice given to writers to "show, not tell." Do an internet search of that phrase and you'll get a bunch of links explaining what that is. I don't want to link to any specific one, because it's explained different ways, with different examples in different places, and what makes sense to me may not make as much sense to you. So, better for you to find one that clicks for you.


With this piece, did you want the end result to be a more sensual, erotic feeling, or something that's more hot and sexy fun? That distinction is subjective, but I think it's still a helpful question.

I don't know how much time you've spent reading poetry, particularly in the sex/erotic genre, but it's helpful to see the different ways that people write, the way they format their poems, and see what styles of writing really resonate with you. It's a fun way to learn.

When it comes to sex/erotic poetry, a couple of good threads we have are Everyday Erotica and Just Porn.


I think your idea has good bones; it's a good place to start.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

From the perspective of what is written, it starts with the setting and the initial emotion of something forbidden hanging in the air but then strongly focuses on the bodies' interaction. Why not bring that initial sensation of the public place back? There surely are other visitors in adjacent rooms, their steps echoing from the walls? Is the stranger maybe a foreigner with an accent that makes all the naughty things whispered into the narrator's ear sound like the cutest sweet nothing?

You chose a setting with a lot of potential to create an arousing mental image in your readers' heads; use it; play with it; make 'em crave to buy a ticket for an exhibition - such a nice&naughty word, isn't it?

Repetition is really a dangerous weapon in the arsenal of a writer, but "looking at the same art" works really well here, it works like a start/finish line to separate the purely innocent visit to the museum and the lovers of art, mmh, sharing their passion. So, a way to maybe use the element of repetition once or twice more could be my twisting it a bit, using rhyme words, "As we hook on the same part"

 

[29wordsforsnow]

Just a general writing idea, not necessarily exclusive for poetry. Sentence length and structure. How about reflecting the pace of the actions through the length and complexity of sentences. Using some more details and subclauses for the set up/getting to know parts and make the lines shorter and more focused, the more heated the action becomes? If you get the reader to the point that they have a copy of the scene on their mind they might be a little distracted to honor ten word metaphors, intricate sentence structure, etc.

Just like mountain of lust we climb, it has a wide foundation, but a sharp top.

 

[Veroticagirl]

From the perspective of what is written, it starts with the setting and the initial emotion of something forbidden hanging in the air but then strongly focuses on the bodies' interaction. Why not bring that initial sensation of the public place back? There surely are other visitors in adjacent rooms, their steps echoing from the walls? Is the stranger maybe a foreigner with an accent that makes all the naughty things whispered into the narrator's ear sound like the cutest sweet nothing?

You chose a setting with a lot of potential to create an arousing mental image in your readers' heads; use it; play with it; make 'em crave to buy a ticket for an exhibition - such a nice&naughty word, isn't it?

Repetition is really a dangerous weapon in the arsenal of a writer, but "looking at the same art" works really well here, it works like a start/finish line to separate the purely innocent visit to the museum and the lovers of art, mmh, sharing their passion. So, a way to maybe use the element of repetition once or twice more could be my twisting it a bit, using rhyme words, "As we hook on the same part"

Wow, thank you so much, yes i do have those thoughts in my head. I just wasn't sure if it was to much. I have so much in my head i just can't seem to get it all out and make it flow. I write as well, just trying to learn how to make it work better. Thank you so much for kind words this will help. I wanted to put something out there and test the waters to see if I was any good at all. Thanks sweetie!

 

[Veroticagirl]

I like the premise... erotic encounter with intriguing stranger in an unexpected public place,

Because of your line breaks, a space between each one, and each line ending in full stop, the read is a bit stilted. I'd recommend reading this aloud to yourself, using the full stops and the space between each sentence as an extended pause. Reading poetry aloud is a good way to get a feel of how it sounds vs how it reads on the page, particularly when its your own work.

Each sentence is punctuated by full stops, and that creates the expectation of full sentences, though many of these are mostly fragments, and that really stands out. This would benefit from a different flow, one that brings the reader in and weaves them through the experience. Currently, it reads more as a list of actions, instead of the engaging plotline it could be.


There is an oft used piece of direction/advice given to writers to "show, not tell." Do an internet search of that phrase and you'll get a bunch of links explaining what that is. I don't want to link to any specific one, because it's explained different ways, with different examples in different places, and what makes sense to me may not make as much sense to you. So, better for you to find one that clicks for you.


With this piece, did you want the end result to be a more sensual, erotic feeling, or something that's more hot and sexy fun? That distinction is subjective, but I think it's still a helpful question.

I don't know how much time you've spent reading poetry, particularly in the sex/erotic genre, but it's helpful to see the different ways that people write, the way they format their poems, and see what styles of writing really resonate with you. It's a fun way to learn.

When it comes to sex/erotic poetry, a couple of good threads we have are Everyday Erotica and Just Porn.


I think your idea has good bones; it's a good place to start.

All good points, and things I did not think about. I use to write poems when i was young just for fun, now im starting again and writing short stories, getting my feet wet. I have a lot in my head. Just learning to get it to flow. Thanks for all the feedback. This is what i needed. To steer me in the right direction to focus me. I needed that push to know i had good bones as you called it. Thanks a lot sweetie, it means alot. YAY!

 

[Lyricalli]

You're welcome I'm glad the feedback helped.

I think the trick with poetry, and maybe writing in general, is to understand what you like about it, and then try to do that in your own voice. What style(s) really gets your attention? It's okay to try to mimic that. You can try rewriting something you really like in your own words, for instance. There are so many ways to learn.

Another interesting thread on here is the 5 Senses challenge. The way that works is that you take the five sense prompts from the post before, write a poem incorporating those, then leave a list of prompts for the next person to write with. One of the really good things about that, is that it makes you incorporate sight, touch, taste, smell, and sound within a poem. I know that it influenced me when I was starting to write poetry, and while I may not use all senses in every poem I write, it made me aware of the importance of getting the senses involved and the way that can help engage readers.

Just a few more thoughts I had.

 

[29wordsforsnow]

I'll second what @Lyricalli says, and here's the link to The 5 Senses Poem Challenge.

 

[Veroticagirl]

I'll second what @Lyricalli says, and here's the link to The 5 Senses Poem Challenge.

Oh that helped more than you know, thank you.

 

[Veroticagirl]

Ok what do you think of these changes:

Art Climax

​

This tall dark stranger in the museum, walks up beside me

I can smell the richness of the woods

Wafting through the air and I shiver

We look at the same art and smile

The arousal, the pull, the intrigue, we both feel it

I could not resist the urge as my hand started to move along my body

Caressing my full breasts, feeling the fullness

I can sense others looking but I don’t take my eyes from the peace of art

The tingles start to prick along my skin

My hands move lower like I have no say my head tilts to the side

I hear a click clack click clack on the floor and

He moves behind me taking my hand in his, warm and rough

Guiding it under my skirt, between my legs

Feeling the dampness of my panties, we moan

Sliding our fingers between the fabric to reach the wet tender folds

Silkiness’ meets our tips, and they circle and circle

The rhythm seems to build faster as we embrace

The warm breath on my neck

Lean in to kiss and taste the honeyed skin

The hard cock against my ass throbs as I hear him moan in such a deep voice

Our fingers intwined with each other as he brings me close to my climax

The warm feeling floods my body, I start to shake and buck and thrust into our fingers as the climax burst through me like a tidal wave

As we look at the same art

 

[todski28]

Something that helped me a lot when I started was something I call mirroring where you take a piece and try to spin the opposite side of it, or using themes and language spin off your new piece for example

 

[todski28]

Ok what do you think of these changes:

Art Climax

​

This tall dark stranger in the museum, walks up beside me

I can smell the richness of the woods

Wafting through the air and I shiver

We look at the same art and smile

The arousal, the pull, the intrigue, we both feel it

I could not resist the urge as my hand started to move along my body

Caressing my full breasts, feeling the fullness

I can sense others looking but I don’t take my eyes from the peace of art

The tingles start to prick along my skin

My hands move lower like I have no say my head tilts to the side

I hear a click clack click clack on the floor and

He moves behind me taking my hand in his, warm and rough

Guiding it under my skirt, between my legs

Feeling the dampness of my panties, we moan

Sliding our fingers between the fabric to reach the wet tender folds

Silkiness’ meets our tips, and they circle and circle

The rhythm seems to build faster as we embrace

The warm breath on my neck

Lean in to kiss and taste the honeyed skin

The hard cock against my ass throbs as I hear him moan in such a deep voice

Our fingers intwined with each other as he brings me close to my climax

The warm feeling floods my body, I start to shake and buck and thrust into our fingers as the climax burst through me like a tidal wave

As we look at the same art

This is a significant improvement, it has more intention, more details to help the reader delve into the piece

 

[Lyricalli]

I think that's better. There are more cues to the reader for the atmosphere and the interaction between the characters.

The formatting, each line with a line break in between, is one that's a little challenging for me as a reader, but I understand if that's your preferred style at the moment.

One of the things you might want to take a look at is repetition of words, particularly in close proximity. This line, for instance:

Caressing my full breasts, feeling the fullness

You're basically saying the same thing twice; the second half of the phrase doesn't really add anything. You could condense it to something like 'caressing the fullness of my breasts' or something similar. Something else to keep in mind is the ubiquity of words and phrases. For instance, is there a less-used, more descriptive or interesting way to describe breasts other than full/fullness?

You could also play around a bit with how you add things like smell, sound, etc into your writing.

I can sense others looking but I don’t take my eyes from the peace of art

So, instead of leading into lines with "I can sense" or "I hear" and that sort of thing, you could just put the reader into the environment themselves a little bit.

Others are looking, but I don't take my eyes from the peace of art (I'm curious here, if "peace" was intentional vs "piece"? Interesting choice, if so)

I hear a click clack click clack on the floor and

He moves behind me taking my hand in his, warm and rough

A click clack click clack on the floor as
He moves behind...


Just some suggestions of things to think about as you work through what feels right to you in your writing.

 

[Tzara]

Hi, Verotica.

I think you've gotten some very good advice so far. The following comments are simply suggestions--if they seem to work for you, great, but if they don't, just ignore them.

I've taken these lines from your (much improved) revision to illustrate some things:

He moves behind me taking my hand in his, warm and rough

Guiding it under my skirt, between my legs

Feeling the dampness of my panties, we moan

Sliding our fingers between the fabric to reach the wet tender folds​

and changed them somewhat, taking out some of the words, changing tense in a couple of places, and relineating the result:

He moves behind me, takes
my hand in his, guides
it under my skirt between
my legs, feeling the dampness
of my panties. We moan, slide
fingers to the tender folds​

One of the most important positions in a poetic line is the final word, as there is an implied emphasis on that word. The end words in your revision (rough, legs, moan, folds) are pretty good choices--they are all monosyllabic, which gives them a kind of punchiness to the rhythm, they are simple, clear words, and they link together pretty well (i.e. they don't fight against each other or confuse your narrative).

I changed the end words to try and emphasize the action of the poem--three of the six lines end in verbs (active tenses instead of the participles in the original) so that the end words themselves echo the narrative (takes/guides/between/dampness/slide/folds). I also shortened the lines, which (I hope) makes the rhythm a bit smoother and, because there are now six lines instead of four, gives more opportunities for the end words to shine. (Though I tend to write fairly short lines, so that may be simply a quirk on my own style).

One of the really good things you did between the original version and the revision is incorporate enjambment, which as the Wikipedia article I linked says, "the delay of meaning creates a tension that is released when the word or phrase that completes the syntax is encountered."

Some other things you might try are breaking the poem into strophes/stanzas, like

He moves behind me, takes
my hand in his, guides
it under my skirt between

my legs, feeling the dampness
of my panties. We moan, slide
fingers to the tender folds​

or

He moves behind me, takes
my hand in his, guides

it under my skirt between
my legs, feeling the dampness

of my panties. We moan, slide
fingers to the tender folds​

Just as enjambment heightens tension from one line to another, strophe breaks extend that heightening of tension even more.

But, as I said, all of that is simply suggestion. What's important is that you feel you are expressing things the way you want to and feel comfortable with.

 

[todski28]

Something that helped me a lot when I started was something I call mirroring where you take a piece and try to spin the opposite side of it, or using themes and language spin off your new piece for example

Dropped an example of this in the Everyday Erotica thread to give you something of an idea

Regards

 

[Veroticagirl]

Thanks everyone, you have given me so much to chew on. I can't even express my gratitude. I will work harder for sure. I guess I am weaving my writing into my poems, i need to keep them separate.

 

[Piscator]

I'm coming late to this but generally agree with all of the comments and suggestions especially Tzara's on enjambment and strophes, But it is your poems and yuor task is to weave your writing into a poem.

 

[Veroticagirl]

I have tried submitting my poem like 4 or 5 times now and it just sits in pending, like no-one is even looking at it. I know I am still new to all of this, but what am I doing wrong? I have also sent a message to inquire about this but, have not heard anything. Any suggestions?

 

[29wordsforsnow]

I have tried submitting my poem like 4 or 5 times now and it just sits in pending, like no-one is even looking at it. I know I am still new to all of this, but what am I doing wrong? I have also sent a message to inquire about this but, have not heard anything. Any suggestions?

It takes a bit of patience, publication of poetry seems to have low priority at the moment. The best is to just let it sit in pending - resubmitting sends it back to the end of the queue, this way it might take even longer to be published.

 

[Veroticagirl]

It takes a bit of patience, publication of poetry seems to have low priority at the moment. The best is to just let it sit in pending - resubmitting sends it back to the end of the queue, this way it might take even longer to be published.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. I do appreciate this. Thanks, V