Your Best (or Worst) Crude Jokes

[DiscusDave]

Don't really Know if there has been a thread for this or not, but a joke popped into my head. It's crude, and I wanted to share it with everyone.

Granted I could have gone to the "What Made You Smile/Laugh Today?" thread and posted it there, but I also thought to myself...

"Self."

"Yes?"

"Wouldn't other people have crude jokes too?"

"Why yes, I think that they would. Or at least they could have some."

"Then they should have a place to put them also! Right?"

"Well everyone should have a place to share things like that."

"I know... I'll start a thread!"

"Great idea! You rock!"

"Awww.... shucks. Thanks!"


.... anyway. (Cough) Um... so here's the thread.

Give me your naughty, rude, crude, and/or indecent jokes.



*NOTE: This is meant to be a good place for all, so no racist jokes or jokes about religions or core beliefs.

 

[DiscusDave]

A good one....


"So a female teacher walks into her 4th grade class at the beginning of the day. There's the normal hustle and bustle of kids shuffling seats and talking before class begins. Before calling the class to attention, the teacher writes a question on the chalk board and then turns to face her class.

'Class! Calm down now. Alright,' she said with a patient smile. 'Now before we begin our lessons today I have a question for you.'

The teacher moves to the side of the chalk board showing the question she had just written and reading it aloud. 'There are five birds sitting on a fence. A hunter comes along and shoots one of them. How many are left?'

The class sits in silence for a while, no child daring to raise their hand. Eventually a boy raises his hand and is called on.

'Yes, Tommy?' the teacher asks.

'Well, none, ma'am. The rest hear the shot and they all fly away,' Tommy replies confidently.

'Well, Tommy, the answer is 4. There are four birds left on the fence... but I like the way you think,' the teacher says. 'Alright, now class, open your math books to page 37...'

'Excuse me, teacher!' interrupts Tommy.

'Yes, Tommy, what is it?'

'I have a question for you now," answers the child calmly.

'Well alright then, what is it?' the teacher questions.

Tommy stands up by his desk, and coolly recites his query his teacher. 'There are three women sitting on a park bench, all eating ice cream cones. The first one is nibbling the tip of the ice cream. The second is licking the side of the ice cream. And the third is gobbling down the ice cream and sucking on the cone. Which one is married?'

Murmurs run through the rest of the class and a few giggles let out. The teacher, embarrassed at the question blushes a little, but decides to answer since she just wants to move on with the res of the lesson. Finally she answers, saying, 'I guess I would say it's the woman that's gobbling down the ice cream and sucking on the cone.'

Tommy, smiling brightly replies, 'Actually, it's the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.'"

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Sickipedia knows all.

 

[unknooown]

q: what's the difference between sarah palin's mouth and her vagina?



a: only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.

 

[unregistered]

 

[DiscusDave]

"Two young men about the same age decided to join a hunting club. It's an old club with a lot of old traditions. One of which is that the newest member has to spend a day with the oldest member, before they can go out and hunt. Since they joined together, they were told to both spend the day with the oldest member.

Eager to meet the oldest member of the club, the two young guys enter the massive room where the fireplace is in the hunting lodge, and there warming himself by the fire sat the oldest member. They walk to him and introduce themselves explaining how they were the newest members.

The older man pirked up a bit, excited to be able to talk to these young lads. He had been a member of that hunting club for more close to 80 years, and during that time held the honor of oldest member for about 20 of them.

So the two young guys find seats and sit near the old man. After a bit of small talk one of the two young fellas asks the old man, 'Well you've been a member of this club for so long, and seen so many amazing things. What is your favorite hunting story?'

The old man puts on a contemplative expression as he thinks to himself. After a few moments he begins a story of his younger days, 'I was big game hunting in the plains of Africa...' The old man explains.

One of the young men turns to the other and whispers, 'Oh boy! This is gonna be an awesome story!'

The old man continues his tale, '... and we had been out in the bush for weeks at this point. One of the other guys on the trip had pulled a licky shot on a cape buffalo and we decided to search on foot for where it had wondered off to die. Somehow I had gotten separated from the group and was wandering around alone. I kept moving, as to not be an easy target for the wildlife, until I came upon this mighty acacia tree with a hearty bush at the base of the trunk. The sun was brutal that day, so I decided to take advantage of the minimal shade the tree gave, but as I approached the tree I heard a noise from behind the bush. Startled, I stepped back only to have the biggest male lion I've ever seen. He stares me down and lets out a might roar. Like this one...' and the old man digs deep and lets out a mighty RAAAAWWWRR!! 'And I just shit my pants.'

'Holy cow!! I would have shit my pants too if I was face to face with a male lion!' One of the young boys exclaims.

The old man replies, 'No, not then. Just now when I said "RAWR."' "

 

[DiscusDave]

Dave, that is a great joke. I don't know if it's the mom or the teacher in me, but I want those kids to be older than the 4th grade! (Of course, much older than that and the math problem is insulting). Oh damn, I'm just over-analyzing which is ridiculous. I LOL'd and am eager to read what is posted in this thread!

Velvet, great link! Thanks!

Hehe thanks! Glad you liked it.

 

[Sayyid]

Hitler? Now that was a sour Kraut!

 

[Ladythunder]

Two Swedes from Minnesota, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Brainerd Lake
At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me."
VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!
Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs.
He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.
Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE , you betcha!!
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken.
Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Dats all. Dere ain't no more!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Two Swedes from Minnesota...

Oy vey....

 

[The_Good_Sub]

***disclaimer: this joke is so offensive you may not want to read it" : end disclaimer****







A man and his wife go to the hospital to have their baby.The delivery goes smooth and they take the baby to get it cleaned up and what not. After a while the doctor comes back in and tells the parents the can see the baby now. As they go down the hall he keeps going on about how special the baby is and of course the parents agree. They stop by pediatrics and the doc grabs the baby and starts back down the hall. Well as you can imagine the parents are growing impatient and want to hold their new baby. But the doctor keeps going on and on about how "special" it is. Now the parents are finally fed up and demand to hold their child. Just then they reach the end of the hall and the doctor opens the window and says "check this out, your child is like superman or something" and tosses the baby out the 10th floor window. It hits the ground and splats. Once the parents recover from the shock of what just happened they start screaming at the doctor for killing their child. The doctor just starts laughing and says "Just kidding, it was already dead!"

 

[Ladythunder]

I have a broad sense of humour, the last one was a bit much for me.

Here's one to clean the bad taste out of the mouth;

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie

 

[MisterSir]

I told a variation of this to somebody else, but this is the original version.

Three men, one English, one Scottish and one West Indian are sitting in a hospital waiting room and their wives are all giving birth. By one of those coincidences, all three women give birth within minutes of one another, and the babies are taken down to the nursery. A little later, a nurse comes into the ward where the families are gathered and announces that they made a small mistake - the babies weren't separately identified and, as their fathers, the nurse wants them to try to pick their children out of the three.

Instantly, the Englishman takes the black baby and says "I think this is mine." He's about to walk off when the West Indian approaches him and says quietly "Excuse me, but I think it's fairly obvious that's my child." In reply, the Englishman looks over his shoulder and says "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of those kids is Scottish and I'm not taking that chance."

 

[neci]

some funny ones i found...

Redneck Sub

If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next
number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub.

If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Ma", you might just be redneck sub.

If you know what your Mistress expects from you by the way she belches, you just might be a redneck sub.

If your master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub.

If fulfilling your master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for him, you might just be a redneck sub.

If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a pair of pink flamigos, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever had to use your safeword in order to spit tobacco juice, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever used nipple clamps in order to remove tics from master's huntin' dogs, you just might be a redneck sub.

**********

SAM Lessons
Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play
Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
Become prone to incessant giggling
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment
Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible

Get off your lazy *ss and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game
Yeah, right!

Only speak in movie quotes
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
Starch the floggers
Whine
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

*******

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

*******

Q: What do you call a gay hairy 300 pound German rubber fetishist?
A: A Gummi Bear.

 

[CurlyKat]

SAM Lessons
Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play
Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
Become prone to incessant giggling
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment
Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible

Get off your lazy *ss and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game
Yeah, right!

Only speak in movie quotes
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
Starch the floggers
Whine
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

I've seen this before, but it's still soooo funny! Some of the things on this list I'd be tempted to try, just to see his reaction, but it definitely wouldn't go well afterwards! Except for the clappers on the lights, he might think that was funny. The rest would just mean a not so nice night for me. But still tempting....

 

[DiscusDave]

"A husband and wife decide to have an afternoon romp one day. The wife, looking outside of their bedroom window at the blue sky comments to her husband.

'Honey,' she starts. 'It's such a beautiful day out, can we do this with the window open?'

The husband, just excited about the prosepect of sex in general quickly agrees and opens the window while his wife undresses and lays down on the bed. She spreads her legs wide as he starts to remove his clothing. Suddenly a loud buzzing is heard as a bee flies in through the window and go straight towards the woman's glistening crotch. Reaching the woman, the bee flies straight into her pussy, to which the woman begins to scream.

'Get it out! Get it out!! Don't just stand there get it out!!' she yells to her husband.

Not knowing what to do the man quickly pulls up his pants and heads for the phone to dial 911 for help.

'Don't you dare call someone about this!' the wife says.

'But I have no idea what to do. Maybe we should go to the doctor's office,' he replies.

After some bickering, the couple agree to go to the doctors office. After carefully dressing herself, the wife and husband drive to see the doctor. After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed to the woman as an eternity, the couple are brought into an examination room.

The doctor comes in and greets the couple asking what the trouble is. The wife, too embarrassed about the whole situation looks to her husband to explain. He does so, and the doctor asks them for a moment to think. After a minute or two he finally responds to the couple saying he'll just have to reach in there and try and fish it out.

The husband seems a bit skeptical and unhappy to hear that another man is going to be doing that to his wife, but he finally agrees after seeing the look of desperation on his wife's face.

The woman removes her pants and undergarments and lays back on the examination table. The doctor puts on a glove and moves towards the woman's pussy. Slipping in one finger the room fills of tension and expectation. After a while of moving his finger around the doctor removes it, and a dour expression comes on his face.

'I'm sorry, but I can't reach it. My finger is just not long enough,' the doctor says. Suddenly an idea strikes him. 'I do have one thing long enough to reach the bee. He explains the idea to the couple. The husband refuses right out, but is forced to concede to the doctor's idea after his wife argues with him about the importance of getting the bee out of her. The couple finally agree and the give the doctor permission.

The doctor removes his trousers and brings forth his erect dick. The husband scowls as his wife tells the doctor to 'hurry up and get it out of her.'

The doctor moves close and begins to slowly slip his dick into the woman's sex. A look of horror is on the husband's face, but the determined gaze of the doctor never falters. After a few moments the doctor's length is completely inside the woman and he begins to move his hips diving his cock deeper. He switches his moves to more of a thrusting motion. The room is silent as the doctor continues to thrust into the woman.

After a while the man can take no more and angrily demands from the doctor, 'You've been going at it for almost 20 minutes now. Why haven't you gotten it out yet?!?!'

Out of breath and close to climax the doctor replies, 'Change of plans... I'm gonna drown the fucker.'"

 

[DiscusDave]

I have a broad sense of humour, the last one was a bit much for me.

Here's one to clean the bad taste out of the mouth;

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

*snip*

Fantastic!!! Hehe. that one was great!

 

[DiscusDave]

Redneck Sub

If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next
number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub.

If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Ma", you might just be redneck sub.

If you know what your Mistress expects from you by the way she belches, you just might be a redneck sub.

If your master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub.

If fulfilling your master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for him, you might just be a redneck sub.

If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a pair of pink flamigos, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever had to use your safeword in order to spit tobacco juice, you just might be a redneck sub.

If you have ever used nipple clamps in order to remove tics from master's huntin' dogs, you just might be a redneck sub.

**********

SAM Lessons
Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play
Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
Become prone to incessant giggling
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment
Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible

Get off your lazy *ss and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game
Yeah, right!

Only speak in movie quotes
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
Starch the floggers
Whine
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

*******

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

*******

Q: What do you call a gay hairy 300 pound German rubber fetishist?
A: A Gummi Bear.

Those are pretty great. The SAM stuff would drive me nuts. Except the clapper one, that would be hilarious. But otherwise... ooo... I'd feel bad for the poor subbie to ever try those with me.

 

[bridgeburner]

On his wedding night , an unhappy red-neck comes out of his bedroom complaining about his new bride.

'Pa,' he calls ' She's a virgin!'

'Send her back son,' his pa says 'If she ain't good enough for her own folks she ain't good enough for us!'

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Redneck virgin:

A 12-year-old girl who can outrun her pa, her uncles and her brothers.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.

The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".

Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA, then fainted as she read it: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna get weighed," she said.

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl''s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What''s wrong, dear, didn''t you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

It was the mailman''s last day, after 38 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, and old age pensioner presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they had finished, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring the coffe, the mailman noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup''s bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what''s the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Billy Bob's father gave him a gun as a wedding present and told him, "Fire in the air if your wife's a virgin; shoot her if she's not.

Billy Bob fired three shots into the air the first night... and shot his wife the second.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

What do you call a virgin in Appalachia?













An only child.