You can now call me the bionic single Dom

[Richard49]

Good morning Richard.



Regardless, I am sorry for the negative expereiences you have had. I hate to see you close up shop, but can understand your disenchantment.

I only got caught up in online once
you and I know how that went "south"

I meet this last person here but it was RT
...sort of ......

Before this had happened back in the post Rachel days
I had resigned from any relationships
I should have stuck to it

Twice now I have succumd (sp) to trying again
the problem is not them
though "them" seem to have some issues
the problem is me ... we attract to ourselves those that reflect
who we are ....

 

[Richard49]

Thank you Alice

I too enjoyed Miss Diva's post. I thought it was insightful.

I want to thank you both for your imput

 

[Richard49]

please share with me your opinon/insites

Why do so many fight having agreed upon defintions for roles/terms
that apply to us that are D/s or BDSM?

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

please share with me your opinon/insites

Why do so many fight having agreed upon defintions for roles/terms
that apply to us that are D/s or BDSM?

Good Morning Richard

May I respectfully suggest 'ego' as one possible answer to your post.

kind regards

@}-}rebecca----

 

[Kajira Callista]

please share with me your opinon/insites

Why do so many fight having agreed upon defintions for roles/terms
that apply to us that are D/s or BDSM?

passion for that "something" they are fighting for or over.

 

[Richard49]

thank you rebecca and kc

ego has to do with everything
so yes it does this
passion for whatever?
ya I guess

but what i am seeing is a desire for chaois by not having agreed upon definitions
and for me by not having defintions that we all agree on ... this chaois...
is the foundation for emotional pain...

I reall daught I will ever risk with another female
but one of things I have come to do is to ask
"are you a bottom/submissive/slave/sensulist ..."
The usual answer I get back is
"I do not understand"

on the local BDSM discusion list a well know activist
who claimed whe nI meet her at first to be a Domme
now she claims to be a submissive a the "house of..."
and recently posted how we are this big umbralla
and that defintions are not important etc

in addition this idea of us being part of a "lifestyle"
accounding to the dictionary we might be but than we might not be

If oen is a D or s than it is who we are not a "lifestyle"

any who
thank you two for posting
from my heart I appreaciate your impute

 

[alice_underneath]

please share with me your opinon/insites

Why do so many fight having agreed upon defintions for roles/terms
that apply to us that are D/s or BDSM?

My initial reaction to your question, Richard, is skepticism that any individual's sexuality can be adequately described with specific labels - no matter how carefully one attempts to define them.

Looking around this board at the Doms, for example, I see so many different attitudes, styles, and proclivities that it is difficult to imagine all of these people in the same "role". In fact, I have reached the conclusion that very little information of value is actually conveyed when someone refers to himself as a "Dom". Aside from ruling him out as a pyl, the label doesn't tell you very much about the guy at all.

Is the problem the absence of a clear-cut definition? Perhaps, but the confusion also might result from the fact that each guy's way of expressing his own sexuality is complex and quite unique.

So, as I said, I am skeptical as to the value of labels. But perhaps I don't understand what you are seeking. What roles/terms do you think are important to define in a universally accepted way? And how would you define them?

 

[Richard49]

Looking around this board at the Doms, for example, I see so many different attitudes, styles, and proclivities that it is difficult to imagine all of these people in the same "role". In fact, I have reached the conclusion that very little information of value is actually conveyed when someone refers to himself as a "Dom". Aside from ruling him out as a pyl, the label doesn't tell you very much about the guy at all.

perhaps because many are not Doms?
Perhaps they are "tops"?
maybe sensulists?

or
Perhaps they are
1) just into kinky sex?
2) cyber fantasy livers?
3) women haters?
4) abusers?

the labels, as you point out, tell us little
because we have muddied the water by "refusing"
to hold to the defintions that have been with us for ages

 

[RJMasters]

I see what you are driving at Richard, and it appears that there are two directions one can take on this. One being to define something for what it is so that an agreed upon understanding may be realised by many. The other being the individualness makes it impossible to define some things.

It has reach the point where two people would argue about the color red. One saying...to me red is (fill in individual defintion here), the other person saying to me red is....(fill in individual defintion here). However, the two of them better at least have a common understanding of what red is if they choose to drive and stop at a traffic light. Additionally color bilind people should at least know the positions of where red lights appear.

The ultimate goal of any language is to be able to communicate. To understand one another. Dictionary and Thesaurus and other such references are meant to help establish definitions in order to establish a meaning or definition that can be shared, understood and agreed upon by many.

Definitions establish standards. Where standards exist, so does responsibility. From this stems different types of people.

1. Those who wish to uphold the standard as they see the importance of why the standard is there and what the consequenses of removing such a standard will mean.
2. Those who seek to avoid responsibility to a standard. If there is no standard then there is no responsibility to up hold that standard.
3. Those who refuse to let others define who they are.
4. those who don't fit into the definitions and there fore blend them in an attempt to communicate who they are.

Laguage grows and changes. How on earth did the word "cool" which should relate to the tempture of something, become an expression of how good or great or acceptable something is?

Arguements occur often out here because people do not have the same definition of words. In other words, the context is not shared. This is not just a matter of symantics, though that also can create disagreement at times, there is really a complete different understanding of certain definitions. Both sides excluding the other's person's definition.

Also, there is just good old fashion differeing of opinions, where the definitions are agreed upon and understood, but they just see things differently. Arguments insue when one tries to tell another they are wrong.

The way I see it, is that agreed upon definitions are very benificial for a society in order to comunnicate and function well. However, relationships are more individual things and it takes time to learn what one means when they say this or that. In releationships, it is more a compatibility of definitions that matter. One needs to take the time to ask, what the other means when they say I am a submissive. In what way are you submissive? What does submissive mean to you? Then further one needs to ascertain if what the person is saying comes from book knowledge or comes from experience. Further does one pattern their actions in parallel to what they say.

This may be a daunting and time consuming process, but hey, that is what a relationship is all about. Its about getting to know the other person more and more. I don't think having neat agreed upon definitions will make this process any easier or faster.

This is also why there are so many different churches even though they all have the same book. They interpret things differently, and thus believe different things. Because of these differences they are divided and do not meet together. Though a nuetral person visiting the different churches would scratch their head and say they can see the differences, but they all are worshiping the same God.

When you figure out the secret to unifying agreed upon terms and definitions which will establish unity for a group or community...let me know. Or better yet patent it and make millions. In my experience, the harder you try to establish a specific definition, the more exclusive you become. The result being that a community will resist more and more as it does not wish to be exclusive. Thus you create a catch 22....and either split off from the community taking only those who accept your specified view, or you remain and deal with what you believe to be the weakened state of definition.

 

[Richard49]

It has reach the point where two people would argue about the color red. One saying...to me red is (fill in individual defintion here), the other person saying to me red is....(fill in individual defintion here). However, the two of them better at least have a common understanding of what red is if they choose to drive and stop at a traffic light. Additionally color bilind people should at least know the positions of where red lights appear.

Picking up from this point
If I ask you to go the living room and bring me the folding chair
and you bring me the couch or rocking chair ... where have I failed?
How do I tell you that that is not what I asked for? ... etc.

Not all tops are willing/find pleasure from the same pain inducing acts
as every other top ... but to say I am a Dom cause I am a top is way off base
and potentially could harm someone ...

There are those that
1) believe this is a lifestyle
2) that as a lifestyle it is an umbrala to all "kink"
3) that defintions are not important and in fact harm this umbrala effect

so we have is "self will run rampet" and most new folks confused/lost/hurt
and this has nothing to do with online versus real time

one last thought
many women "come to the intenet"
with fantasy's about what this is all about
again with improper understanding of the titles/roles
if they knew that what they were fantasying about was called being pain slutt
would they still have the interest?

If they understood that submissivness finds it's pleasure out of there serving rather than a role of being comforted/cared for/romantic
would they still be interested?

public play is about S & M not about D/s
oh well

paint me frustrated and angered that that which I am
is being belittled to this

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

If they understodd that submissiness finds please out of there serving
rather than a role of being comforted/cared for/romantic
would they still be interested?

Hello Richard49,

I was wondering if possible you might consider expanding on your statement above as I am having a little difficulty understanding you .

Thanks in advance

@}-}rebecca----

 

[Richard49]

Hello Richard49,

I was wondering if possible you might consider expanding on your statement above as I am having a little difficulty understanding you .

Thanks in advance

@}-}rebecca----

Welp
my typing and spelling leave much to be desired
let me try again

should have read:If they understood that submissivness finds it's pleasure out of there serving rather than a role of being comforted/cared for/romantic
would they still be interested?


If a woman with no RT experence
understood that being a submissive is to find pleasure in serving
not in being served or even in the after care

rebecca if I still am not clear nudge me again please

 

[RJMasters]

If they understood that submissivness finds it's pleasure out of there serving rather than a role of being comforted/cared for/romantic would they still be interested?

If a woman with no RT experence understood that being a submissive is to find pleasure in serving not in being served or even in the after care.

Again I see the intent, yet the wording here makes me shake my head for a number of reasons.

You make a good point in that the intention of a person wishing to be a submissive should come from who they are.

You then make a statement of fact and then go on to pose the question. The fact you imply is that serving in and of itself should be all that is neccessary for a "true" submissive. The question then posed, if many of the people who claim to be submissive really knew what submission was about, would they still seek it or choose to call themselves submissive?

First, I would say that after reading your above to quotes, it sounded to me you were talking more about a slave than a submissive.

Second, I don't agree that serving is an end in and of itself. I think all submissives serve not to just find satisfaction in serving. I believe they serve with the intent or purpose to please another person whom they have grown to respect, trust and desire their favor. Otherwise finding a job where they can serve anyone would make them completely happy. I am convinced, that any submissive who serves a Dom or Domme, does so with the intent to please that other person and through that, fills a need they have within them. The idea that serving in and of itself is its own reward, nullifys half the equation of exchange.

I think (and this is based on my opinion from what I have seen expressed by those who are slaves on this forum) that what you describe above is more along the lines of what they have committed to. They give themselves over completely to their master and focus only on serving and obeying. Having said that, I still see though that for them to have reached that point to give themselves so completely, they could only do so with a huge amount of trust in the one they become a slave to. I doubt they would ever take such a decision lightly, which means that unless they believed that they would be "cared for", they would never do it to begin with. So even in this situation, I still think that is a reasonable expectation to receive something back from the Master, even though they completely leave that in the Master's hands. I would go so far to say they do not serve for their own happiness, but they serve to make the one whom they serve happy.

If I was to take your above definition of what a "real" submissive is or should be, then that definition would include many vanilla women, who find great satisfaction in serving their husbands and their children and they do so often without any kind of thanks or acknowledgement. I say this because it leads me to my next point about sexual involvement or exclusion.

I too can make a distinction between what is considered bdsm and d/s. However, I do see how bdsm activities can be expressed within a d/s relationship. I do not think it is realistic to try to exclude d/s from bdsm activities because people are just not built that way. You can try to squeeze out of the reality of that by trying to apply the top/bottom label, but that doesn't cut it for me.

I know my desire is to dominate a person's mind, heart and body. This will involve some bondage, some sexual activities, some sadistic expressions. All of which I do..... not as neatly seperated pieces of me, but are expressed and conducted in accordance with my will and persona to dominate another. I will add to that list, to teach, to care for, to respect, to enjoy, to love, to work through problems with, to offer advice, to learn from and last but not least, to be good friends.

I do not think that it is out of the norm for a submissive to ask, what am I going to get out of this relationship? If they don't ask, no one else will. Do I think they should be up front about what they expect? You bet. Do I think its a good idea to understand they wish to be submisive sexually? You bet. Do I think its a good idea to understand all the different ways they want to show their submission? You bet. I do not think it unreasonable to expect an equal exchange. Should they know if I plan to respect them? You bet. Should they know I plan to care for them. You bet. Should they know if I plan to have love or romance as part of the relationship? You bet.

So I do not see being comforted/cared for/romantic as things a "real" submissive should not expect in the exchange. But I do think they should be upfront about it and what they want. Because if your definition and their definition of being submissive doesn't match, then yes people can get hurt, same goes for a shared definition of dominance. But isn't that what taking the time to explore and get to know each other is all about? I think it is unreasonable to expect anyone to go from zero to submission in 6 secs. I also think it is unreasonable to then throw it back on them and try to say they are not submissive or call them a wanna be just because your definitions of submission doesn't match theirs.

You may try to make the distinction that bdsm is what a person does and d/s is more about who a person is. However, what a person does, is really the reflection of who that person is.

That's how I see it, and perhaps that's just my inexperience showing. I do recognise the inheirent nature of a person being submissive or dominant and weather they are in a relationship or not, the expression of being who they are brings fulfillment. But within a d/s relationship of exchange, this must be balanced within the context of a relationship in such a way that meets reality or the unrealistic expectation of it will surely be its downfall.

 

[Richard49]

RJ
I have been thinking about your post
and I agree and disagree ... but I am not ready to
put things into words yet

lady_kat has started 10 days of radition

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Richard this is a long thread and one I've not read but for the first post I quote here. Two years plus have passed and I do hope that things have improved for you.
Life can be a bitch and aging is the worse bitch of all if you ask me. If you ever need an ear...well you know how that works.

In Dec I was rushed to the Ann Arbor VA hospital
They eventually installed some bionics that they hoped would help with my heart .... it has not

Tonight my SO ended our relationship

 

[Richard49]

Richard this is a long thread and one I've not read but for the first post I quote here. Two years plus have passed and I do hope that things have improved for you.
Life can be a bitch and aging is the worse bitch of all if you ask me. If you ever need an ear...well you know how that works.

[under his breath he says "I'd like blush a bottom especially that one"]

I guess over all life is about the same
one day comes
another goes
they say if you live in the past and furture
you piss on today ... water sports?

I have found some calmness and acceptance that once did not have
but sometimes loss it ... with the cluter of my life it is easy to loss things

Come visit here again

I can not use the PM feature here and for some reason the email feature will nto work for some ... if it does not work for you lady_kat can be PMed and will share my email address

I still like the idea of a flogger of a dozen long stemed roses

 

[Blushing Bottom]

Oh yes...!

So do I...!

...and my lips have that pleasured look to them after reading your well balanced philosophy.

I still like the idea of a flogger of a dozen long stemed roses

 

[Richard49]

Oh yes...!

So do I...!

...and my lips have that pleasured look to them after reading your well balanced philosophy.

thank you for the compliment

and if you live anywhere near me
my veterans honor rose should be in bloom in June

 

[Richard49]

alisonwunderlnd

I am not sure who you are
and if you tried to reach me with somethign positive
you can do it here or email me

if the email thingie is not working here on Lit
you can contact me through lady_cat
she will give you my real emaill adress
they do not allow me to just post it here on the thread

 

[Richard49]

kc
thank you for your support

 

[Richard49]

well almost three weeks now
of fighting with the VA
weather it is just trying ot get medical appointments
or over my pension

I am tired of the whole fucking thing

 

[Bandit58]

well almost three weeks now
of fighting with the VA
weather it is just trying ot get medical appointments
or over my pension

I am tired of the whole fucking thing

I understand Richard Red tape is the biggest pain in the behind!

We have had big dramas here, Master was admitted to the hospital last week because He started showing signs of peritonitis again just as we were about to finish treatment for the previous bout. They have had Him in surgery twice, once to remove the tummy tube and the next day to put a vascath in so He can have haemodialysis. Peritoneal dialysis is now a thing of the past, too many infections have put paid to that

Now He has to go to the hospital 3 mornings a week and be on a machine there for 4-5 hours depending on how much fluid He is holding. We go together and I wait with Him until He is hooked up to the machine and then I go do a bit of shopping and go home to wait until it's time to pick Him up. He will need another operation to create a fistula in His left arm - the vascath is usually only a temporary measure.

He is also giving up smoking because He has already had 3 failed fistulas from a previous attempt to do haemodialysis. He is on anticoagulants now which will help but smoking tends to make blood thicker and it forms clots so it's really imperative He quit. He's using the patches but the cravings are still there....but He is really doing well for someone who is a heavy smoker.

 

[Galene]

for you Richard....

​

.

 

[Kajira Callista]

kc
thank you for your support

 

[Richard49]

I am in one of my mood
where I tell people to go to hell
I am glad there is a recovery meeting tomorrow
the Satuday meetings about getting along with others better

Fucking VA
nothign getting better with them
I think there are only two brain cells in the whole government
and they belong to a union
so one is always on coffee break