Can you give sub vibes without being one?

[tangoperu]

Hi everybody, first time posting in this forum.

I have a female friend who has been a platonic friend for a long time -years- but after a crisis in her life we became friends with benefits.

During one of our meetings she revealed herself to me as a domme, showing me pictures in full domme paraphernalia doing things with her subs (She tells me that she has no penetrative sex with them, just dom play and stuff).

The thing is, she knows that during my marriage I was the typical henpecked, sexless husband, mostly because I'm averse to confrontation and married a harridan. My marriage lasted a lot longer that it should due to a combination of children wellbeing and money issues, but when they were grown enough the marriage ended.

Because of this, she proposed me to become her sub, telling me that she felt sub vibes in me. I said no, not only because it horrifies me to become a sexless sub, but because my first girlfriend after divorce asked me to tie her, whip her, etc., and although I had zero experience I did it as best as I could, and I felt good doing it. (we had to break up before being able to further explore that, tho).

But now I have doubts, since a well-experienced dom has seen a sub in me. I know I wouldn't be happy being a sub, but then would it mean I am not cut to be a dom, either?

 

[BiBunny]

Nah, I wouldn't worry about it too much. People are good at seeing what they want to see and ignoring all evidence to the contrary.

If you enjoyed playing the Top role, then definitely try to explore that some more when the time is right. I usually encourage people to try both roles because you can't really know until you try, but if you find the idea of being submissive truly distasteful, then there's no reason to force yourself into the role.

That being said, not all male subs are sexless. It's common in male fantasies, but not necessarily always the case in real life.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yes, what @BiBunny said.

I’d also like to say that when people get their vibes about someone, experienced or not, there can be a lot of wishful thinking involved.
It is also easy to confuse a behaviour you see in non-sexual situations with someones sexual preferences and that can be misleading. You can be Betty or Barney Badass in bed and still be able to follow the instructions your boss gives you at work and Susie or Steve Submissive in bed can be the boss at work just fine.

Also and just for the record, no penetrative sex =/= sexless.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I agree with BiBunny. I think this woman sees what she wants. Is it possible you have sub tells. Maybe but if being sub holds no interest for you. Then it’s not for you.
If being a top/ dominant peaks your interest. Maybe explore that. Take your time and go at your pace.

 

[EdwardsOtherSide]

On the one hand, I agree with previous posters about your female friend seeing what she wishes to see, trying to make you what she wants (growing up in New Jersey & New York City, women coming into a relationship with a list of changes they intend to impose on a guy was horrifying and normal).

On the other hand; I have known a fair few people who have what I think of as "the kicked puppy look". They give of a deeply sub vibe, and always seem to end up with toxic/abusive partners.
I am not saying this is you, but given your description of the marriage you just got out of, I can see how a domme who is attracted to you might see you this way.

 

[MaggieTheUnicorn]

You probably know yourself quite well, but if there's a curiosity wiggling away in your mind saying "what if?", there is no shame in exploring.

You could express your concerns with this domme very frankly, and if you want to put the wondering to rest, you could try experimenting a bit, slowly. You can start and always stop whenever you need. Have a safe word. Use a "yellow light, red light" kind of system. And perhaps she'd be willing to flip the script and let some experimenting happen with the roles reversed.

Who knows, maybe you're a switch, a bit of both dom and sub.

 

[Strixaluco]

There ate many sides to that question.

She may see what she wants. You may have traits that she's used to seeing in subs, but that still doesn't guarantee you'd enjoy being a sub. You may even have a submissive side, but she's not the one you'd feel comfortable submitting to - it takes a huge amount of trust in many levels, and you should also match in that sense too.

Do you ever wish to give up the decision making? Think you'd enjoy that even sometimes? That's a critical question. If you think yes, then some experimenting could benefit you.

But I also encourage you to think about your limits, then. I know of many Doms I'd never submit to, because I get the vibe they wouldn't be satisfied within my hard limits - which include no pain, ever. I've even had good or ok vanilla sex with men I'd never ever take as a Dom - including most of my exes, as they didn't read me well enough to earn that kind of power.

There's also the question of what do you want and need if submitting. Like you already know you want penetrative sex, too.

 

[Britva415]

it horrifies me to become a sexless sub

Was that part of this woman's proposal? Because subbing doesn't automatically mean sexless. I mean, it usually doesn't, as far as my impressions.

 

[tangoperu]

Do you ever wish to give up the decision making? Think you'd enjoy that even sometimes? That's a critical question. If you think yes, then some experimenting could benefit you.

Nope. Don't mistake not fighting for material things (who cares about the courtain's colors anyway?) with being a submissive. What I did was because doing otherwise meant losing my kids and my home, not because I found pleasure in it. I wasn't a cuckold either, she lost completely her sex drive. No boyfriends during/after our marriage. It's already 6 years now and she's still alone.

Was that part of this woman's proposal? Because subbing doesn't automatically mean sexless. I mean, it usually doesn't, as far as my impressions.

Really? Most of BDSM literature says that subs have sex only on the whim of the dom. Also, my friend stated that she never has sex with her subs (Ironic, since we were talking about this in bed). For a man who spent more than 10 years sexless before divorce, even the idea of surrendering my sex life to somebody else is disturbing.

The thing is, I already had enough unwilling submission (not of the sex type) to last for the rest of my life. I find abhorrent the idea of submitting again (willing or otherwise, for myself anyway).

 

[Strixaluco]

Nope. Don't mistake not fighting for material things (who cares about the courtain's colors anyway?) with being a submissive. What I did was because doing otherwise meant losing my kids and my home, not because I found pleasure in it. I wasn't a cuckold either, she lost completely her sex drive. No boyfriends during/after our marriage. It's already 6 years now and she's still alone

No need to assure me. I never took you as a submissive (or switch) any more than not being one. I only stated the question that actually defines if you indeed have submissive qualities or not. Not fancying it with one particular Domme, on her terms, does not, as it's tied to those terms that don't suit everyone. (I'd run far from many kinds of D/s proposals too, though I'm definitely submissive.) Nor does your past, mentally abusive marriage as it's no BDSM at all. Your original post left that question open.

Really? Most of BDSM literature says that subs have sex only on the whim of the dom. Also, my friend stated that she never has sex with her subs (Ironic, since we were talking about this in bed). For a man who spent more than 10 years sexless before divorce, even the idea of surrendering my sex life to somebody else is disturbing.

Well, she may not have sex with her subs, but that doesn't mean all Dommes are similar in that sense. And what is to say how often those whims are? Depending on the Domme it may very well account to actively having penetrative sex just as well as never. Just as well as some Doms barely ever let their female subs get an orgasm, but mine finds it fun to over-indulge me every time we meet (don't ask how many, can't count when delirious). In most dynamics the sub can also ask for or suggest something, not all subs are supposed to be slaves without initiative. I've actually gotten pretty good portion of my ideas through - way better than in my previous vanilla relationship.

A good Dom(me) thinks about the good of the submissive - even so that the sub's needs come first. Dom(me)s pleasure comes before sub's pleasure, but if the sub is unhappy in the relationship, the Dom(me) is not a good one and/or they are not a good match in general.

Also not all D/s relationships are 24/7. It's not a given that the dynamic is in place outside the sessions. For some it's very strictly session-only, otherwise being a "normal" couple or friends who just have D/s sessions. It's not even given they, also the sub, won't have other partners - I know locally several polyamorous couples where the sub has partners other than his/her dominating beloved. So the sub definitely doesn't give up all control all the time over his/her sex life. There are as many different set-ups as D/s couples, there's absolutely no cookie-cutter rules for it.

The thing is, I already had enough unwilling submission (not of the sex type) to last for the rest of my life. I find abhorrent the idea of submitting again (willing or otherwise, for myself anyway).

I'm not exactly surprised, but sad, because probably much of the abhorrence comes from badly broken trust. And sometimes trust is the most precious thing we have, whether you're dominating, sub, switch, or totally vanilla.

 

[Lady2020]

Nope. Don't mistake not fighting for material things (who cares about the courtain's colors anyway?) with being a submissive. What I did was because doing otherwise meant losing my kids and my home, not because I found pleasure in it. I wasn't a cuckold either, she lost completely her sex drive. No boyfriends during/after our marriage. It's already 6 years now and she's still alone.



Really? Most of BDSM literature says that subs have sex only on the whim of the dom. Also, my friend stated that she never has sex with her subs (Ironic, since we were talking about this in bed). For a man who spent more than 10 years sexless before divorce, even the idea of surrendering my sex life to somebody else is disturbing.

The thing is, I already had enough unwilling submission (not of the sex type) to last for the rest of my life. I find abhorrent the idea of submitting again (willing or otherwise, for myself anyway).

Much of bdsm literature is bullshit. Much of what is put out there about ds and subs is bullshit. Do what you're comfortable with.

 

[Goldenfinger]

Much of bdsm literature is bullshit. Much of what is put out there about ds and subs is bullshit. Do what you're comfortable with.

110%

 

[tangoperu]

Much of bdsm literature is bullshit. Much of what is put out there about ds and subs is bullshit. Do what you're comfortable with.

Where can I find the literature that is not bullshit?

 

[IrisAlthea]

Where can I find the literature that is not bullshit?

There are probably newer ones but some of the old classics are
Screw the roses, send me the thornes
The new topping book
The new bottoming book
SM 101
Different loving
Playing well with others

If you search for those, you’ll get other suggestions.

I think SM101 is very useful because it is about practical stuff and safety.
For stuff like does there have to be penetrative sex, cookies or whatnot, it is really just about what the involved parties agree on in my opinion. Other peoples opinions, regardless of being in a book or not, can be interesting and supply inspiration but they do not define your relationship.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Nope. Don't mistake not fighting for material things (who cares about the courtain's colors anyway?) with being a submissive. What I did was because doing otherwise meant losing my kids and my home, not because I found pleasure in it. I wasn't a cuckold either, she lost completely her sex drive. No boyfriends during/after our marriage. It's already 6 years now and she's still alone.



Really? Most of BDSM literature says that subs have sex only on the whim of the dom. Also, my friend stated that she never has sex with her subs (Ironic, since we were talking about this in bed). For a man who spent more than 10 years sexless before divorce, even the idea of surrendering my sex life to somebody else is disturbing.

The thing is, I already had enough unwilling submission (not of the sex type) to last for the rest of my life. I find abhorrent the idea of submitting again (willing or otherwise, for myself anyway).

I’m going to be rather blunt. No offense intended.
It sounds like you have A LOT of learning to do regarding bdsm. A couple suggestions I have for you. Read up on
Screw the roses give me the thorns
Look up a guy by the name Jay Wiseman. He’s done lots of in depth writing on various subjects regarding bdsm.
As far as someone never having sex with any sub they see. That sounds like might be a pro dominant. Someone who gets paid to top someone.
Oh mr/ ms wants to have a pro dominant do xyz. It’s going to cost x amount of money for this long.

 

[tangoperu]

I’m going to be rather blunt. No offense intended.
It sounds like you have A LOT of learning to do regarding bdsm. A couple suggestions I have for you. Read up on
Screw the roses give me the thorns
Look up a guy by the name Jay Wiseman. He’s done lots of in depth writing on various subjects regarding bdsm.
As far as someone never having sex with any sub they see. That sounds like might be a pro dominant. Someone who gets paid to top someone.
Oh mr/ ms wants to have a pro dominant do xyz. It’s going to cost x amount of money for this long.

Yes, I have a lot to learn. That's why I've asked here instead of just reading stories. Thanks by the suggestion

 

[LittleSwitchy]

Tango
I’d suggest doing some soul searching. Figure out what you want in/ out of bdsm. Jay Wiseman is a great resource.
If you decide you want to explore bdsm. I’d look up “ munch” in your area. A munch is just a meet and greet for people in bdsm. I’d contact the person running the munch. Let them know you are new to the lifestyle. You found the munch and want to check it out. They may offer to meet you little before the munch and talk with you. They may even introduce you around.

 

[Strixaluco]

FetLife is one place to check for munches. I don't fancy the Facebook-style social thing there much, but I've found lots of information there - and also the local kinky community. (Which lead to me being a very happy sub nowadays.)

 

[Strixaluco]

If a source mentions SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risc aware consensual kink), it's a good sign.

 

[Damanhere]

Hi everybody, first time posting in this forum.

I have a female friend who has been a platonic friend for a long time -years- but after a crisis in her life we became friends with benefits.

During one of our meetings she revealed herself to me as a domme, showing me pictures in full domme paraphernalia doing things with her subs (She tells me that she has no penetrative sex with them, just dom play and stuff).

The thing is, she knows that during my marriage I was the typical henpecked, sexless husband, mostly because I'm averse to confrontation and married a harridan. My marriage lasted a lot longer that it should due to a combination of children wellbeing and money issues, but when they were grown enough the marriage ended.

Because of this, she proposed me to become her sub, telling me that she felt sub vibes in me. I said no, not only because it horrifies me to become a sexless sub, but because my first girlfriend after divorce asked me to tie her, whip her, etc., and although I had zero experience I did it as best as I could, and I felt good doing it. (we had to break up before being able to further explore that, tho).

But now I have doubts, since a well-experienced dom has seen a sub in me. I know I wouldn't be happy being a sub, but then would it mean I am not cut to be a dom, either?

It could be a myriad of things she sees what she wants to see although you've had sexual relations with her she wants to become non-sexual yet she wants to dominate you without sex as what you want is to have the sex as well as being in equal almost what I think she has difficulty in determining is that she sees it one way I'm a dom and in that role there is going to be no sex which is her forcing her way of a relationship on you you don't want a relationship as a sub that you just left a relationship pretty much in a femdom you want a relationship where you're pretty much equals or truly switch but mildly you don't want to go from the fire into the pan from one relationship to another but I don't understand is she wants to be in a sexless relationship with you after you've had a sex relationship maybe she's trying to test you psychologically to see if you would go for it or would you resist and try and make her a submissive or equal she obviously has no thoughts of ever being an equal with her just being in charge and sexless you obviously had sex with her for some time and now all of a sudden she wants it to be sexless and you submissive it just doesn't ring true

 

[tangoperu]

It could be a myriad of things she sees what she wants to see although you've had sexual relations with her she wants to become non-sexual yet she wants to dominate you without sex as what you want is to have the sex as well as being in equal almost what I think she has difficulty in determining is that she sees it one way I'm a dom and in that role there is going to be no sex which is her forcing her way of a relationship on you you don't want a relationship as a sub that you just left a relationship pretty much in a femdom you want a relationship where you're pretty much equals or truly switch but mildly you don't want to go from the fire into the pan from one relationship to another but I don't understand is she wants to be in a sexless relationship with you after you've had a sex relationship maybe she's trying to test you psychologically to see if you would go for it or would you resist and try and make her a submissive or equal she obviously has no thoughts of ever being an equal with her just being in charge and sexless you obviously had sex with her for some time and now all of a sudden she wants it to be sexless and you submissive it just doesn't ring true

To be clear, she doesn't have sex with her subs, this I know. When she proposed me to become a sub, she didn't say she wouldn't have sex with me, I assumed it because of how she acts with her subs. I said no, thanks and then we resumed our FWB relationship. What worried me was that she saw me as a potential sub, which is something I'd never want to become, neither for her nor for anybody else.

 

[Damanhere]

To be clear, she doesn't have sex with her subs, this I know. When she proposed me to become a sub, she didn't say she wouldn't have sex with me, I assumed it because of how she acts with her subs. I said no, thanks and then we resumed our FWB relationship. What worried me was that she saw me as a potential sub, which is something I'd never want to become, neither for her nor for anybody else.

What's truly upsetting is if she saw the sub potential in you and you didn't want to be a sub and you would just left the relationship where your wife basically controlled your life and this woman knew it why would she want to force you back into something or even to being a sub when she's already announced to you that she doesn't sleep with her Subs so basically she's telling you I know you had a bad relationship I don't care I want you to be a sub and guess what we're not having sex either if I were you I would be pretty guarded around her she knows how you feel she went back to a relationship with you maybe she figures she'll change you over time which is not a good thing sounds like she might be trying to manipulate you into being her sub one way or another sort of like what your wife did control over time you can't force somebody to be what they're not they'll lash out against it it's unfair to both of you and especially to you

 

[tangoperu]

My suggestion is not to read too much into this. Physical characteristics, social personas, life experiences, and sexual inclinations vary among most all of us. The fact that you didn't know she was a domme until she told you, despite apparently having sex regularly with her, is a good example of that.

I'm another example. I'm tall, masculine, athletic, confident, socially extroverted, and I have a deep baritone voice that people naturally seems to command attention. I'm also intelligent, professionally successful, and a natural leader of people, ideas, and projects. In 40+ years of adulthood not one person ever has approached me and suggested that they observed that I might be sexually submissive. Yet the fact remains that I am, and that I've been that way my whole life.

My point is just that you shouldn't question your own inclinations just because somebody else does, especially when they have obvious bias towards the answer based on their own motive and/or experience.

Most professional dommes avoid having sex with their clients for legal and health reasons. That, and they simply don't enjoy having sex with strange middle-age men with a variety of perverted sexual fetishes. If your friend is in that category she was probably telling you she didn't have sex with her clients as a means of reassuring you that she felt differently about you. I mean you guys were obviously already having sex, so there's that.

But some lifestyle non-pro dommes do adopt alternative sexual practices that don't involve traditional coitus etc. But that doesn't mean there's no sexual play or orgasmic release involved.

What I can't figure out from your posts is why are you asking these questions of strangers here in this forum? Why not ask the very same questions to the domme friend you've been sharing your bed with? Seems like she'd have better answers than any you'll ever get here. After all, it's her you're inquiring about.

Because it's easier to ask questions to strangers to whom you're a stranger yourself.

 

[Damanhere]

Because it's easier to ask questions to strangers to whom you're a stranger yourself.

And can be impartial and have an outside look

 

[Damanhere]

Say what? Seriously? Good luck with that. Sorry to interrupt the conversation.

There's nothing impartial about the discussion in this thread, and an outside look is only as useful as the accuracy of the information it's based on.

And now back to your regular programming...

Lol. Hey everybody has there opinion.