Yet another feedback request - new style

[GeorgieH]

Hi guys,

You've been great with feedback requests before, but I'm after some more - this time mainly because I have changed writing style fo this story (Accidents Will Happen - http://www.literotica.com/s/accidents-will-happen-5) and I'm wondering whether you think it works for a short short-story such as this one.

All comments will be gratefully received.

Many thanks


Georgie

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Georgie,

I liked Accidents Will Happen but, as I'd not read your work before, had to read a few of your other stories and am puzzled about your comment on 'change of style'.

From voyeur to fetish, you seem to be very good at writing short vignettes that delightfully portray a modest woman's embarrassment and the only 'change of style' I noticed was a switch from first person POV to third. Even with that, you still kept us firmly in the head of Natalie, just as if you had used first person. It worked well, I think.

On first person, which I think you write well, I found it distracting when you changed from the character's to the author's voice with the 'I must tell you...', 'I must say...'.

Going back to read more.

 

[nakdsub]

I have to go along...

What change in style? I guess I'm not that familiar with your work either, but I didn't see anything unique about the style, other than being almost 100% narrative with little dialogue.

Personally I like more dialogue, I just think it makes for a more interesting read; however, your story flowed well and I liked the plot. I thought it was cute.

 

[GeorgieH]

Thanks guys,

The changes I referred to in my original post were the switch to a pretty much narrative-only style, and secondly a switch to 'short-short' pacing. I sometimes worry that I rattle on too much, particularly with my characters' speeches, and I also know that I am over-keen on adjectives and adverbs (she said, unnecessarily). So if anyone has any more observations, I would love to hear.

Thanks again,

Georgie
xxx

 

[kuellar]

I didn't have a chance to look through your other stories, so I'm judging this story on its own merits. It was a fun read, a somewhat amusing and light-hearted vignette.

As to whether the style works, well - I think this kind of narrative style can have have the effect of slowing down the pacing of a story considerably. Dialogue is usually (in my opinion) what helps to speed up the pacing. This is particularly true because you seem to favour rather long sentences, with some twists to them. Sentences like, "Which also meant that Natalie never had any idea how come she was the proud holder of an appointment with the magazine that had photographed her daughter"... to me, that's a bit of a (virtual) mouthful. It's the sort of sentence that hides its meaning rather than telegraphs it, if you know what I mean - which slows down my reading of the story.

The other thing about this sort of narrative style is that it can make things seem more remote to the reader. In your opening paragraphs, for example, you describe the argument between Natalie and Melissa. Since I as the reader don't get to witness this argument first-hand, the argument takes on a secondary importance to me. It becomes background information - which is all well and good, but if the whole story is written in this style, I think it's worth considering whether you're unduly sacrificing any immediacy to the events being described. There's less of an impact when you hear something second-hand, usually, than when you experience it yourself; and here we're essentially hearing the whole account second-hand. This is more of a minor point though, just something to maybe think about, I guess!

So if you're looking for suggestions, I would recommend going over the story again and trying to work out the kinks in your sentence structures, to improve the pacing and make everything flow better. And maybe think about whether there's a way to keep the narrative style but lend more immediacy to the events you're describing.

Other than that, I enjoyed the story!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Can I have a second bite at the cherry? Well, I will anyway.

I found your sentence structure jarring, didn't mention it, but agree with kuellar. Contrarily, you strangely break a sentence in two to start the second with the conjunction 'although'. You also have run-on sentences.

I'm not usually a fan of first person and narrative but I think it's perfect for your writing of scenes in the head of your character. Even so, a bit of dialogue - like the feminism row between Natalie and Melissa - would improve the pacing and shorten the description.