Feedback & Beta Reader Request

[Swango]

I'd like feedback for my first two "chapters" (4,000 and 2,000 words respectively) of "Angela Falls" already posted to Literotica. The story is intended to be about a teenage woman's journey of sexual self discovery despite religious repression. While I am a man, this story is inspired by my own experiences with the intersection of sexuality and a religious upbringing. Chapter 1 includes a scene where she witnesses her best friend and brother having sex; Chapter 2 is her discovery of masturbation. It is likely I will venture further into more incestuous content at some point in the future.

General feedback is appreciated. I also have specific questions for the first two chapters:

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

For those interested in beta reading the next bit, it's currently 1,700 words. I feel a bit stuck, I'm concerned the writing is a bit dry, and am wondering if I should scrap it and start over. Confirmation of whether I'm taking the story in a not completely terrible direction would be appreciated. Also open to bouncing ideas around.

 

[AlexBailey]

Got links to your stories?

I won’t have a chance today but I’ll check them out later when I have the opportunity. I’ve got lots of background with overbearing religious experiences so I can probably relate.

-Alex

 

[Swango]

Appreciate it! The links are:
https://www.literotica.com/s/angela-falls
https://www.literotica.com/s/angela-falls-02

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first couple of submissions. Overall, I think there were successful with what they were setting out to do, and I'll be reading the next chapters as you produce them.

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

I think the voices are okay. If you hadn't asked I wouldn't even have thought about it. Each character has their own clear identity in the story and what they are saying usually matches/enforces that.

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

As someone raised in an atheist family, sometimes the religiosity seemed a bit much and this carried over to the religious metaphors - on the other hand 'religion' is the special sauce in this story, so I wouldn't cut it down. Depending on exactly where this going, I suspect the religiosity level will drop somewhat as sex become normal, but never entirely go away.

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

Again, I think this is the point of the story, so 'no change' except as her character develops.

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

It's fine. Given that you've got an entire Lit page of pious setup, the reader needs some sort of reassurance that naughtiness will be coming - a few ambiguous comments, tight T-shirts and leg brushes are good reminders that the reader hasn't accidentally stumbled onto a Sunday School Stories website..

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

I didn't read chapter 2 as Angela having been possessed exactly - just a 'Satan was close'.

 

[AlexBailey]

Congratulations on getting your stories up!

Please take my feedback with a grain of salt. I’m no great writer but I have been studying to improve. I’m using this as an opportunity to make use of what I’ve been learning. I’m going to give you the kind of feedback I hope for.

1. How was the dialogue? Did it seem as if each character had their own voice, or did it seem like I, the writer, was just talking through each character?

The different character voices came across fairly well, though there were times when I had to take a moment to untangle who was speaking. Although I was able to figure it out, I feel that a few more speech tags and better defined context could help.

James’ voice could have been more defined. His dialogue while in the barn with Emily seemed detached and Emily’s experience didn’t really ring like it was the life-changing moment of losing her virginity.

2. I make quite a few religious references. My goal was to emphasize the "tabooness" of sexuality for Angela and leverage that to create sexual tension. Did these references have any effect on the development of sexual tension (positive or negative)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

To me it was more religious emersion than references.

While there is a lot of advice out there to ‘show, don’t tell’ I felt that Angela’s internal conflict could have been better portrayed through internal thoughts, earlier and in a way that could provide more of a hook that would have made the story more erotically engaging from the beginning.

You could frame the spiritual tension earlier by having Angela wake from a sensuous dream. It could begin with a steamy moment justaposed with her dad waking her for church. Her dad’s comment about needing a different job would be more meaningful and the entire story could start out with a more engaging emotional and spiritual imbalance. Morning in church could be framed as her trying to get back on the chaste and pious path while she struggles with distractions of impure thoughts.

3. Angela's actions are in constant conflict with her virtuous desires and morality. Was this portrayed in a believable way? Did this impact the sexual tension at all (positively or negatively)? Do you think I should change the amount of time I spend on this going forward?

I think you should lean into Angela’s conflicted thoughts. The insight you give to her thinking in the first part are more like observations and pious judgements rather than internal conflict.

4. There are some intentional attempts at foreshadowing, particularly in Chapter 1. Are they too heavy handed?

I saw some of the foreshadowing but I felt like there could have been more palpable chemistry between James and Emily.

Mathew is framed to make a reappearance but I feel he could have had a bigger role, maybe even having him come into the barn as Emily and James are finishing and tucking their shirts in, all while Angela remains hidden. It would set up more common ground for conversation and connection between him and Angela later in the story.

5. In Chapter 2, Angela believes she has been possessed by a demon or the devil. This is intended to represent Angela's own sexuality. Is that accomplished? Does it enhance the story?

You did a good job with Angela’s internal conflict in part two.


As written, the first page doesn’t do much to grab me or make me relate or care about the characters. Part two does this better but only after we’ve been on the trip to church and Sunday School.



Also, there are lots of typos that take a moment to untangle, especially in part two. You should probably have a beta reader or at least a last spellcheck. I find I need to let a piece sit for a day before I can objectively edit my own work.

I like the premise and I can relate to having nagging thoughts and religious guilt conflicting with curiosity and desire. I’m interested to see where this story goes.

-Alex

 

[Swango]

Thank you both for your feedback. I should have a quite a while ago, but I am a scatterbrained idiot and forgot.

I’d also like to thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I lost confidence in the story for a while, and coming back to them was a helpful nudge to pick up the pen again.

If you’re interested, I can send a link to the draft for the next part. At this point, I don’t have specific questions in mind, other than whether it’s complete shit. I’ve trashed quite a few drafts and this one feels like it has legs. A sanity check on whether the direction the story is heading is good or not would be appreciated. It is currently ~3600 words, so if you don’t have the time I understand.

I realize that at this point in the draft I haven’t done a particularly good job of incorporating the feedback you provided. I am rereading your comments and intend to further revise based on them.

 

[darwin1859]

If you’re interested, here’s a link to the draft for the next part

You're not allowed to post a link in forum posts. You should edit your post to remove the link and request that interested beta readers DM you.

In order to share this link, you'll need to DM each person (or add each interested beta reader to a single DM that shares your link).

EDIT: Specifically, you're not allowed to post hyperlinks to other websites in public posts. You can post links to literotica.com (e.g., your stories, other posts, guidelines, features like search, etc.). In my experience, this prohibition does not apply to DM's.

 

[Swango]

You're not allowed to post a link in forum posts. You should edit your post to remove the link and request that interested beta readers DM you.

In order to share this link, you'll need to DM each person (or add each interested beta reader to a single DM that shares your link).

Done. What’s the etiquette on soliciting feedback by DMing individuals and sending them the link? Is it acceptable to send DM’s to people who have expressed some amount of interest in comment or by following a story to request feedback?

I have struggled to find interested people via the volunteer editor program.

 

[darwin1859]

Your stories are rated highly so clearly this is a matter of polish rather than fixing anything.

But I think you could use an editor. Your story begins:

"Wake up, my angel. You don't want to be late for church."

Angela's eyes squinted open, listening to her dad's footsteps recede. Fighting a yawn and the urge to go back to sleep, she stood and began to prepare. Running a brush through her hair after last nights late shower was a familiar challenge, and after choosing a tastefully modest Sunday dress she descended to the kitchen where her parents and older brother, James, waited.

"Good morning, Angela. Another late night at the rink?"

"You know they always are, daddy."

"I still think you should try and find a job with better hours."

I thought it was weird (and creepy) for dad to call her "my angel." (But maybe you were shooting for creepy?) Then the next paragraph seems to me to combine too much. Then your dialog lacks dialog tags and the reader can ultimately guess the speakers, but it's confusing. Your narration ended with "... and older brother, James..." so I assumed that "Good morning, Angela. Another late night at the rink?" was her brother speaking, but then she (I guess) answers "..., daddy." so I guess that good morning was from her dad. So, now it's weird that her mother doesn't greet her? (But maybe you were shooting for weird?) My point is that you should use (boring, repetitive) dialog tags. It does not matter at all that they are boring and repetitive because the reader's eyes won't even see them except to unconsciously register who is who.

Is it weird that he calls her "my angel" and then the next line of dialog is him saying "Good morning, Angela"?

And there are a couple typos (s/nights/night's/; I'm reasonably sure the initial dialog needs an exclamation).

So, I would edit this to be something like (I don't know what you want the mom and brother to be doing, so "sat still as stones" is a placeholder):

"Wake up, my Angel!" Her father's voice cut through her sleep.

"You don't want to be late for church!" he said, and then, as usual, she heard his footsteps as he walked away, confident that his gentle order would be obeyed.

Angela's eyes squinted open and she fought a yawn and the urge to go back to sleep. With an effort, she got up and began to prepare.

Running a brush through her hair after last night's late shower was a familiar challenge. Then she chose a tastefully modest Sunday dress. She checked herself carefully in her mirror before descended to the kitchen.

"Good morning, Angela," her dad said, looking up from his coffee. "Another late night at the rink?" he asked.

Her mother and older brother, James, sat still as stones.

"You know they always are, daddy," she answered.

"I still think you should try and find a job with better hours," he said.

If this is too verbose (and it may be) then you know what you want to focus on. You probably don't need some details (when she showered, etc.).

"Wake up, my Angel!" Her father's voice cut through her sleep. "You don't want to be late for church!" Angela's eyes squinted open and she forced herself to get up.

"Another late night at the rink?" her dad asked when she entered the kitchen dressed modestly for church.

Her mother and older brother, James, sat still as stones.

"You know they always are, daddy," she answered.

"I still think you should try and find a job with better hours," he said.

 

[darwin1859]

Done. What’s the etiquette on soliciting feedback by DMing individuals and sending them the link? Is it acceptable to send DM’s to people who have expressed some amount of interest in comment or by following a story to request feedback?

I have struggled to find interested people via the volunteer editor program.

IDK that I'm an expert on etiquette. I think you can DM anyone who has given some hint that they may be willing to help and ask politely. They can ignore your DM or decline.

About editors, I agree that few of my requests have been answered. While I don't think it's technically wrong to ask about that here as well (as part of a broader request for feedback), there is a forum for discussing editing and I see requests there.

I'd be willing to beta read for you if you DM me the link.