Writing out of your sexual comfort zone

[Cruel2BKind]

I tried a GM scene once for the hell of it. I managed to get through it, but damn did it suck, I had no clue what I was doing and was told my males sucked cock like females. Not sure what that meant, but I agreed that it sucked.

Do you still have it? I could offer advice if you ever want to try again.

 

[YDB95]

Generally I stay within the realm of what turns me on, as that is what got me started writing erotica in the first place. That said, one of my currently-unfinished stories is probably going to end up with a gay-male scene (something I've never experienced in real life or written), so it's fair to say that will be outside my comfort zone.

 

[jdnunyer]

I mostly don't. Sometimes, I include things (especially offstage) that feel true to the characters even if I'm not necessarily comfortable with them myself. But, by and large, I write the kind of stuff I want to fantasize about.

I understand the arguments others make about needing to push yourself to grow and so forth. I think that's commendable. Myself, I can't honestly say that I'm trying to be the very best erotica writer I can be. I do try to be proud of what I write to a certain degree, but I've accepted that I could be a lot better if I worked at honing my craft. My attitude is that I have a day job, and I'm pretty good at it. And it's the day job that pays the bills. This is strictly for fun. I don't really want it to feel like work. If others enjoy what I write, that's swell. Some do. Other's don't. Yes, I could do it better. But I already spend more time on this hobby than I should...

 

[estragon]

I don't, because I can't. It just won't go.

 

[kromen]

I'm trying to write an LW, as a test, to see if I can. I haven't even thought about incest.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks everyone, so many thoughtful answers!

If I may, I want to say that there is nothing at all wrong with not wanting to stretch your erotic horizons. Really. Likewise, if you are all about the stretch-- I'm all for that too, yanno?

I'm of the opinion that writing about sex, is a lot like having sex. Nobody can dictate your preferences, although people can and will try to.

So what is outside your comfort zone? Mabeuse mentioned bestiality, pee, vomit and amputee-- oddly enough I have written the first two of those and I could easily write the fourth. It all depends, for me, on the context. But vomit-- I can't come up with a context for that one. That's pretty blechy.

What I can't write-- I can't write a hetero man topping or domming a hetero woman. Not even in vanilla ways. Luckily, there are a bazillion fine writers who take care of that for y'all so I don't have to... I wouldn't do a very good job of it anyways.

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

*snips* What I can't write-- I can't write a hetero man topping or domming a hetero woman. Not even in vanilla ways. Luckily, there are a bazillion fine writers who take care of that for y'all so I don't have to... I wouldn't do a very good job of it anyways.

I'm actually having problems with this while trying to expand on a story. One of the men is supposed to be dominant. It's not writing him as dominant that's my issue, it's writing her as submissive to him. *le sigh*

 

[carlieplum]

Outside the comfort zone

I can write about certain things I wouldn't personally do. (Or couldn't personally do, since I can't be a gay man.) So some things are comfortable to write about even though I wouldn't ever do it, like tight bondage, which isn't for me, but I at least get why it is hot for someone else..

That being said, there are thing that are so far outside my comfort zone that they cease to be erotic. I couldn't do piss, shit, extreme humiliation, true incest (I could write cousins, for example, but not parents or siblings) or real non-consent (aka rape).

I get trying to stretch as a writer, but when it crosses into something that you can read the best rated stuff and still find it anti-erotic (which might be different for someone else than what it is for me), I just don't see how you could write it and make it erotic. I don't see how you could care about your characters enough to make them real in that situation.

This is interesting to think about because I was going to try to do Survivor, but then I realized there was just no way for this exact issue.

 

[sethp]

That's tough one. I could probably write in ten or more other categories and still be in my comfort zone. I write a lot of non-consent..but that's actually outside of my comfort zone a bit. maybe it's just that my comfort zone changes as I grow older and write more? I'd really like to try some mind control...non-human...magic...midget...sci-fi and other stuff. Lol. But what ends up happening is that story starts banging around in my head..I can't really control what type of story it is...it just has to come out.

 

[Boxlicker101]

A while ago, after I had written a few stories in BDSM that involved spanking to enhance the woman's sexual pleasure, I went out of my comfort zone. I wrote about whipping a woman with a leather belt and felt quite disturbed about it. I've never done either one, but I think a little spanking on her bare ass would be fun, but I would never want to actually use a whip or belt on anybody. Since then, I have expanded my writing, and I now write about a man using a horsewhip on a naked woman.

 

[rengadeirishman]

Well an RP character of mine I've just started on another site is a gay member of a warrior race. Not being gay myself, to me its interesting and slightly uncomfortable writing about his feelings towards other men, and while i haven't written anything sexual with him yet, I can imagine it being difficult.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Box--

that;s so interesting! I would say that my comfort zonemoves-- and my writing moves with it.

And hey there Irish, long time no see, and wow-- that IS past most het men's comfort zones for sure.

I'm actually having problems with this while trying to expand on a story. One of the men is supposed to be dominant. It's not writing him as dominant that's my issue, it's writing her as submissive to him. *le sigh*

My experience (mostly second hand, I admit) is that many-many men who call themselves "Doms" are actually service tops. And many women who call themselves "subs" are actually running the relationship. They often don't realise it, though.

Dunno if that helps you

 

[rengadeirishman]

And hey there Irish, long time no see, and wow-- that IS past most het men's comfort zones for sure.

Hello Stella. Part of the reason I am doing it is because to my knowledge my char will be the only truly homosexual male on the site, and because I wanted to try expand my comfort. If it goes well, I'll be coming here to get advice on how to write gay love lol.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hello Stella. Part of the reason I am doing it is because to my knowledge my char will be the only truly homosexual male on the site, and because I wanted to try expand my comfort. If it goes well, I'll be coming here to get advice on how to write gay love lol.

And nearly all of your informants will be female lol

...but don't let that stop you, you will get pretty good advice!

 

[RedMonkeyButt]

My experience (mostly second hand, I admit) is that many-many men who call themselves "Doms" are actually service tops. And many women who call themselves "subs" are actually running the relationship. They often don't realise it, though.

Dunno if that helps you

My experience is secondhand, too. I do know that both guys are tops, but she has to manage to top at least one of them part of the time. Doesn't make sense, but it works in the storyline... And it's hard to write it when I don't know the real ins and outs of dom/sub.

 

[rengadeirishman]

And nearly all of your informants will be female lol

...but don't let that stop you, you will get pretty good advice!

Beggars can't be choosers, I am happy for whatever advice i can get.

 

[alwayswantedto]

<deleted>

 

[sr71plt]

Some of my characters do what I would never in a million years consider doing, so no, there comfort zones are more restricted than my own.

 

[PennLady]

I'm finding this whole conversation interesting because while I agree that writers should try new things, stretch themselves, etc., I tend not to write stuff I don't "know." Like, I know there are terms, and conventions, and things like that in the BDSM community, but I don't know what they are and so don't write such things (also, it doesn't really appeal to me).

I have gone a little out of my usual zone (not sure if that's the same as my comfort zone) in "In the Red Parlor" and "Island Encounter." The latter was better received than the former, although the former was more an exercise for me than anything else.

I realize I could ask around here and research on these things, and the reason I don't is I just have too much going on right now.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, on the BDSM issue, I know that there are those who say there are rules you have to follow to be in that category (like they do with Romance and vampires). I say, the hell with trying to be in a specific category when writing a story, let alone being constricted by someone else's view of what the "rules" are. There are loads of people actually using this element or that of BDSM without knowing the rules or caring that there are rules to it. They are just experimenting with this and that in their sexual activity. A story can do that too. I use elements of bondage (both physical and emotional) in my stories quite a bit. I don't really give a hoot on where that falls in the BDSM category.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Unless stretching yourself as an author is fun, which, in my case, it is. Staying in a set box is what I think of as work.

I didn't say I don't stretch myself or my limits. I experiment with different categories, different styles, and different themes all the time. What I don't do is write about things that I find uninteresting or repulsive. I'm not going to write a story in a category that I don't find interesting, just because someone else thinks it is. That would be like taking a vacation somewhere I have no interest in visiting when there are so many other places I would love to see. Life's too short to waste time writing stories that don't appeal to me when I have a backlog of ideas I'm trying to find time to finish.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I didn't say I don't stretch myself or my limits. I experiment with different categories, different styles, and different themes all the time. What I don't do is write about things that I find uninteresting or repulsive. I'm not going to write a story in a category that I don't find interesting, just because someone else thinks it is. That would be like taking a vacation somewhere I have no interest in visiting when there are so many other places I would love to see. Life's too short to waste time writing stories that don't appeal to me when I have a backlog of ideas I'm trying to find time to finish.

Yeah! that's it, exactly!

Well, on the BDSM issue, I know that there are those who say there are rules you have to follow to be in that category (like they do with Romance and vampires). I saw, the hell with trying to be in a specific category when writing a story, let alone being constricted by someone else's view of what the "rules" are. There are loads of people actually using this element or that of BDSM without knowing the rules or caring that there are rules to it. They are just experimenting with this and that in their sexual activity. A story can do that too. I use elements of bondage (both physical and emotional) in my stories quite a bit. I don't really give a hoot on where that falls in the BDSM category.

And this too.

 

[PennLady]

Well, on the BDSM issue, I know that there are those who say there are rules you have to follow to be in that category (like they do with Romance and vampires). I say, the hell with trying to be in a specific category when writing a story, let alone being constricted by someone else's view of what the "rules" are. There are loads of people actually using this element or that of BDSM without knowing the rules or caring that there are rules to it. They are just experimenting with this and that in their sexual activity. A story can do that too. I use elements of bondage (both physical and emotional) in my stories quite a bit. I don't really give a hoot on where that falls in the BDSM category.

What I mean is, I wouldn't set out to write a story about a BDSM relationship (probably) for a few reasons. One, I don't care for the dom/sub dynamic, although I know there's more to it than that. Two, because I don't know much about that lifestyle, I would be concerned I'd get something wrong, or that I'd be using prevailing stereotypes which are wrong.

Now, I did use some BDS(no M) elements in "Island Encounter," but that was more a role play type thing, so I put it in Erotic Couplings. I wouldn't be against using other elements in other stories, but it just hasn't come into play for me.

I suppose the basic truth is I'm usually more interested in other aspects of my stories and not so much the sex.

 

[beatrice_dreams]

What I can't write-- I can't write a hetero man topping or domming a hetero woman. Not even in vanilla ways. Luckily, there are a bazillion fine writers who take care of that for y'all so I don't have to... I wouldn't do a very good job of it anyways.

I'm actually having problems with this while trying to expand on a story. One of the men is supposed to be dominant. It's not writing him as dominant that's my issue, it's writing her as submissive to him. *le sigh*

My experience (mostly second hand, I admit) is that many-many men who call themselves "Doms" are actually service tops. And many women who call themselves "subs" are actually running the relationship. They often don't realise it, though.

I'm finding this thread really interesting - as I've been pondering whether to attempt a story where the female (hetero) character is the more dominant of the two (more in energy/personality that is, not necessarily involving any kink/bdsm).

But the trouble I keep coming across is that I don't find submissive-type men at all sexually appealing, so it would be even more of a stretch for me than trying to crawl into the head of a dominant-type man.

And yes, Stella, I have come across my fair share of men who were convinced they were 'dominant' who hadn't a clue what it actually meant!

 

[sr71plt]

What I mean is, I wouldn't set out to write a story about a BDSM relationship (probably) for a few reasons.

I can see not setting out to write a story about a BDSM relationship (that writing to a boxed formula thing), but I'll bet a lot of your stories are about some degree of dominance and submission. It's all relative--and physical/emotional dominance/submission is a basic story theme and tension provider.