Widows and widowers 2

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Tomorrow will be 4 years.
NGL, I'm a bit, depressed.. Depression is a strong word... I'm not my normal chipper self today...
4 years still feels like 1. I guess grief is like that...
I'm in a good place in life, I have no complaints, but, yesterday was the 4th, and that was a special event for us...

 

[bouldghirl]

Don’t be depressed. You have your happy memories. Hold onto them and appreciate them for what they are.

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

My therapist showed me this image. I found it helpful as going on 3 years.

 

[Strixaluco]

I just met one cousin (who lives in another country) for the first time in maybe twenty years. She's almost a generation older than me, but has been widowed more recently than me. It was very clearly difficult for her still, though the final happening had been a relief, too.

 

[Erosfan]

I’m sorry for your loss. I started this thread after my wife died (3years this month) from a rare cancer. I found some books on grief that helped me get through the first 2 years. I also joined a local group of widows and widowers which would get together and do things such as dinner out on the weekends. The one book that helped me was “The sixth stage of grief”. I found a mission or purpose which was to help other widows and widowers stay active and mainly to listen to them.

I also learned a valuable lesson in grief:
Pace- each of us grieves at our own pace and don’t let anyone say you need to move on.
Space- sometimes we just need time away from others. Once I had a meeting planned and in the morning I realized I couldn’t handle it. So I canceled it.
Grace- always give yourself grace as we all grieve differently. And give others grace as our society doesn’t know what to say or do for those ġrieving.

We are here to support you.

Your "valuable lesson in grief" is perfect.
It is ours to deal with in our own way. Your thoughts on Space and Grace are spot on. Thank you for sharing.

 

[chairmanb]

I wouldn't mind moving but am in a situation where my mortgage for my house is so low that to even rent a tiny apartment in something that wasn't sketchy would be at least twice what I pay now. I'm okay with staying as is for now and traveling instead. Eventually (I figure another 10 years or so) I'll move in with one of my daughters. When my husband died, they argued over who would get to have me live with them. Kind of nice to be fought over but I wasn't ready to be thrust into boisterous households full of kids and animals. I already did that. Plan B is to sell my house and spend a couple months a year living with each of my 4 children and spend the rest of the time traveling. I don't know. As far as being attached to the house because of my deceased spouse, the memories are in my head and heart and all the photos and videos I have. The structure doesn't matter and he would want me to keep on living.

I am in WIsconsin and tired of being alone its been 1 1/2 yrs now

 

[B2fromA2looking4U]

More than a year since a post. Maybe that is a sign we are coping well.

This past year was one of redoing the study where she had passed. It helped but the house still brings bad memories. Do I have decided to move to a smaller house and declutter. My New Year resolution is to throw out stuff unless it brings joy.

Have a happy holidays.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

This has been a year of me finding my strengths after my husband passed 4½ years ago..I admit, I was very numb the first 4 years. Trying to find purpose in myself, maybe through others too.

I don't have regrets, I've met a few amazing people since joining lit..

I've came out of the fog, and have discovered my true self...

Love is something I've discovered I'm fully capable of feeling again, and I finally don't feel guilty feeling my deep feelings.

 

[Strixaluco]

More than a year since a post. Maybe that is a sign we are coping well.

Ermmm.... Just 3 months of silence from what I can see?

Though it is true that this thread has been very silent.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

I'm here on this thread today because I'm sure the topics been discussed:

"Widows guilt"

Which is what I'm experiencing.. I'm going to be bold and transparent..
I feel guilty because I love a man.. And he's amazing to me every day.. he's the total opposite of who I normally fall for..

My late husband passed 4½ years ago..
He was gruff, he made an amazing father for our son, but a husband??
I think we met young..I was 22, he 21.

This man that I think is amazing offers me what my late husband couldn't:
The freedom to just be me.

The guilt comes in because my husband and I were very much compatible. Don't get me wrong..
But this other man... Were total opposites.
Yet, he's perfect for who I need in my life..

There's just a guilt for falling in love all over again when you're grieving.

Can anyone relate?

 

[saintcero]

I'm here on this thread today because I'm sure the topics been discussed:

"Widows guilt"

Which is what I'm experiencing.. I'm going to be bold and transparent..
I feel guilty because I love a man.. And he's amazing to me every day.. he's the total opposite of who I normally fall for..

My late husband passed 4½ years ago..
He was gruff, he made an amazing father for our son, but a husband??
I think we met young..I was 22, he 21.

This man that I think is amazing offers me what my late husband couldn't:
The freedom to just be me.

The guilt comes in because my husband and I were very much compatible. Don't get me wrong..
But this other man... Were total opposites.
Yet, he's perfect for who I need in my life..

There's just a guilt for falling in love all over again when you're grieving.

Can anyone relate?

I cant relate as I have not felt that grief yet. What I will offer is that you have this one life to live and you should milk all the happiness you can out of it. Any decent husband would want you to be happy and to live a rewarding life after their passing. Those that don’t are just jerks. Sounds like you have been given a Get Out of Grief Card. Use it.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

"Get Out of Grief Card. Use it."

I wish such a card existed.
Grief is definitely never ending...

 

[Strixaluco]

I'm here on this thread today because I'm sure the topics been discussed:

"Widows guilt"

Which is what I'm experiencing.. I'm going to be bold and transparent..
I feel guilty because I love a man.. And he's amazing to me every day.. he's the total opposite of who I normally fall for..

My late husband passed 4½ years ago..
He was gruff, he made an amazing father for our son, but a husband??
I think we met young..I was 22, he 21.

This man that I think is amazing offers me what my late husband couldn't:
The freedom to just be me.

The guilt comes in because my husband and I were very much compatible. Don't get me wrong..
But this other man... Were total opposites.
Yet, he's perfect for who I need in my life..

There's just a guilt for falling in love all over again when you're grieving.

Can anyone relate?

It is common. Very common.

However, a few gentle points for that part of your mind to consider:
- "...until death do us apart." That happened already. Your duties are only towards the living. That you weren't properly compatible, does not change that. You're allowed, even expected to learn from it and nothing make the same mistake again.
- Isn't 4,5 years of grieving enough? Victorians were very particular about grieving times, and even for them 1 year was enough. Those times would might have even been *expected*, possibly outright forced to remarry in less than 4 years.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

@Strixaluco
4½ years is a long time to mourn...
I did spend 4 of those years in a fog... Facing the widows fire ... (That was very real to me)
This man.. This amazing godsend... Has lifted that fog.

I've felt grief before... Losing my sister and an amazing grandfather before my husband taught me about the basic stages of grief..

Nobody prepared my for losing my husband. I have new grief... Survivors guilt, etc...

Thank you...Strixaluco for that insight...

 

[Strixaluco]

Survivors guilt, etc...

Now, that's more than just mourning right there. I wonder if you could separate survivors guilt from mourning, and if it would help with dealing with both?
Because you can totally have survivors guilt when when the one that died is not someone you personally mourn.

 

[BenHoping]

Each of us have different paths through grief, and different timing to becoming single again.

I can only speak from my own experience, but what endured a long time for me was an unconscious feeling that I was still married. A decades-long marriage builds an identity that endures past its end, I think.

I entered a relationship with someone at about the 1-year mark. It solved the soul-crushing loneliness, but I was never fully engaged in it over the 3 years it lasted.

Somewhere around the 5 year mark, I realized that I was finally becoming reoriented to life as a single man, and in a gradual shift was no longer carrying a mindset of being married, but with half of me gone. Looking back, I realized that whole stretch carried an underlying disorientation--unconscious feelings of still being married, and I wonder if that's at the heart of what you see as guilt?

At 8 years, I met a woman who had gone through the same transformation--we're in a wonderful, stable, accelerating relationship, standing on fresh identities as singles, and feeling our way toward a new couple-dom.

Best wishes as you continue with what sounds like a new beginning.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

That's exactly what it is, I still feel committed to him..
It's different than breaking up with a living person..
I can't explain it myself, but it's different.

Our marriage was complicated: together as man/wife 12 years.. But separated the last 13.. He was still my best friend, the father of our son.

The man I have current feelings for is the man who helped lift the death fog, as I refer to it.
I'm realizing talking about my husband now is healthy. I spent years not discussing him, as if he were erased..

Thank you for helping me not feel alone in my feelings..

 

[Strixaluco]

I spent years not discussing him, as if he were erased.

We need to process the grief and the relationship that ended that way, just as well as we need to process breakups. For some reason that is not discussed much.

And doing that with other people is not always easy. Not everyone is comfortable with that. With other widows it's often easier to discuss all kinds of emotions relating to the situation. Even the frustration and anger arising. Admitting that the deceased wasn't necessarily a good partner, or a good person even, or a good fit. Those are sometimes almost forbidden topics to other people, but often discussed in widow peer support groups.

 

[LegendInMyOwnMind]

That's exactly what it is, I still feel committed to him..
It's different than breaking up with a living person..
I can't explain it myself, but it's different.

Our marriage was complicated: together as man/wife 12 years.. But separated the last 13.. He was still my best friend, the father of our son.

The man I have current feelings for is the man who helped lift the death fog, as I refer to it.
I'm realizing talking about my husband now is healthy. I spent years not discussing him, as if he were erased..

Thank you for helping me not feel alone in my feelings..

You are never alone. You have this wonderful man whom you love now, and I thank God for him. I've not known your specific grief, but I may in time. Both my ex-wife and my ex-LTR are in poor health, and I might outlive either or both.

For all that both relationships were problematic, I loved them both with my whole heart. The failure of both relationships is in part my fault, part theirs, and part the crushing circumstances we were in. It would ease my grief if I could honestly say everything was all my fault, but I can't.

So I know grief, I've known it since I was ten. The final installment of my Writing Away the Darkness series of essays was just published. It is as honest of autobiographical summary as I can write. Anyone who would seek to know my heart should read it, and I hope you choose to.

If you do so, you might find me pathetic. i fear that, but I risk that in my quest to know and be known. In these forums, I've found people who unconditionally accept me as a person and a sexual being. You are chief among them. I've never quite known that IRL, not even in that blessed honeymoon year with my wife.

It is not within my poor power to give enough thanks. I feel nothing is within my poor power to give you. But I offer you the ear of a man who unconditionally accepts all you are, and nothing new I might learn of you has the power to change that. After nearly six decades of darkness, I can walk in the light. You are a meaningful part of the reason I got there. My feelings for you have extended as far beyond lust as it's possible to go. Mind you, I'm still very aware that you are the hottest woman my SSBBW-loving soul has ever seen, and lust accordingly.

I'm having feelings now that I know won't be reciprocated, and I have no moral right to feel them. i feel them nevertheless. I have sworn to myself that there are three words I will never write. Honesty compels me, I cannot lie to you by silence. I know this isn't what you want, and I fear losing what connection I have with you. i adore your SSBBW body. But the glimpses of your soul I have seen here have captured my heart. In other threads, I have expressed the desire to form an online relationship with the right person. My mind knows it couldn't possibly be you, as surely I know my own name.

My heart won't listen. The totality of all that you are overwhelms my defenses. I will tremble as I hit send. I have not even the ghost of a right to say this or feel this. I don't even know your name, but God help me, I love you.