Why Do I Feel So Bad Disciplining My Kids?

[Guest]

Ok, I am here to rant, rave, throw a fit...and basically vent!!!

Ever have a day when your kid(s) force your hand?

For example:

My oldest daughter, who is 14 going on 40, was experiencing a case of the "fuck its" last grading period. She is highly intelligent and very capable of obtaining top grades. Yet she is achieving, as an average, a low C across the board. This is a constant battle between us. I am a single mom with 4 kids attending college. She knows why I place such an importance on academics...I don't want her to be in my shoes later in life. Plus, she is enrolled in a scholarship program of which one requirement is at least a C average (she is borderline now) The main reason noted for her low grades are:
missing/late homework assignments and low test scores.

This is not the first offense, nor the second. I have talked with her and her teachers extensively and everyone involved is aware of all the issues at hand. Her teachers have made it clear to me that make ups are available...and late homework, if turned in, will be accepted.

So, after her last 9 weeks performance...I told her that if I saw those remarks of missing/late homework and/or low test scores, she would be grounded for the entire next nine weeks. She promised she wouldn't let that happen again and work harder at it.

All throughout this past 9weeks, I have asked her..how are the grades? You keeping up with everything and asking the teachers if anything is missing? I asked her as recently as earlier this week. Her reply was always yes, everything is good. We have good communication between us, as I do with all my kids, so I am floored when I received her grade card today!!!

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!! Same grades...and same reasons!!!

I asked her today...and she admitted lying to me! I should add here that she is well aware of how much I abhor lying and do not accept it!! We have been down that road before!

OK ..so now I am sooooooooo mad, no furious, I can't see straight!!!! The main reason?? Her lying!! She knows that if she truly applies herself and her grades aren't the best...I would not be angry at all...at least she is trying.

So now I am asking myself....why did she lie???

Well, in the past couple of weeks or so, I have been able to spoil my kids to a certain degree. Now when I say spoil...this is what I mean:
I am able to buy them a few clothes, shoes, etc that they really WANT...not what I can normally afford! The items are needed items...but I was able to get better quality ones this time. I even took them out to eat (a very rare treat for us)! The last splurge was just today!!

Anyway, now I am forced to live up to my threat! She is now grounded without the use of the computer, the phone, and not able to go anywhere with her friends for the next 9 weeks!

One part of me is so furious, I feel that is not enough and another part wonders if it was fair to issue that threat last 9 weeks?

If not, how or what can be used as a motivation to change her academic decisions and behavior.

Ohhh and the lying!! What can I do???

She is a great kid but I feel used and manipulated by one person I least expected it from!!

Does anyone have any ideas, thoughts, comments?? I welcome any and all, good or bad as I am fresh out of ideas here!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me vent!!

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Ok, I am here to rant, rave, throw a fit...and basically vent!!!

Ever have a day when your kid(s) force your hand?

For example:

My oldest daughter, who is 14 going on 40, was experiencing a case of the "fuck its" last grading period. She is highly intelligent and very capable of obtaining top grades. Yet she is achieving, as an average, a low C across the board. This is a constant battle between us. I am a single mom with 4 kids attending college. She knows why I place such an importance on academics...I don't want her to be in my shoes later in life. Plus, she is enrolled in a scholarship program of which one requirement is at least a C average (she is borderline now) The main reason noted for her low grades are:
missing/late homework assignments and low test scores.

This is not the first offense, nor the second. I have talked with her and her teachers extensively and everyone involved is aware of all the issues at hand. Her teachers have made it clear to me that make ups are available...and late homework, if turned in, will be accepted.

So, after her last 9 weeks performance...I told her that if I saw those remarks of missing/late homework and/or low test scores, she would be grounded for the entire next nine weeks. She promised she wouldn't let that happen again and work harder at it.

All throughout this past 9weeks, I have asked her..how are the grades? You keeping up with everything and asking the teachers if anything is missing? I asked her as recently as earlier this week. Her reply was always yes, everything is good. We have good communication between us, as I do with all my kids, so I am floored when I received her grade card today!!!

NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!! Same grades...and same reasons!!!

I asked her today...and she admitted lying to me! I should add here that she is well aware of how much I abhor lying and do not accept it!! We have been down that road before!

OK ..so now I am sooooooooo mad, no furious, I can't see straight!!!! The main reason?? Her lying!! She knows that if she truly applies herself and her grades aren't the best...I would not be angry at all...at least she is trying.

So now I am asking myself....why did she lie???

Well, in the past couple of weeks or so, I have been able to spoil my kids to a certain degree. Now when I say spoil...this is what I mean:
I am able to buy them a few clothes, shoes, etc that they really WANT...not what I can normally afford! The items are needed items...but I was able to get better quality ones this time. I even took them out to eat (a very rare treat for us)! The last splurge was just today!!

Anyway, now I am forced to live up to my threat! She is now grounded without the use of the computer, the phone, and not able to go anywhere with her friends for the next 9 weeks!

One part of me is so furious, I feel that is not enough and another part wonders if it was fair to issue that threat last 9 weeks?

If not, how or what can be used as a motivation to change her academic decisions and behavior.

Ohhh and the lying!! What can I do???

She is a great kid but I feel used and manipulated by one person I least expected it from!!

Does anyone have any ideas, thoughts, comments?? I welcome any and all, good or bad as I am fresh out of ideas here!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this and letting me vent!!

OOPS!!! This thread was mine...LOL

 

[Angel]

9 Weeks is a long time. I don't have kids, but you're talking to someone who spent all of high school being grounded for a month at a time.

It did nothing but make me mad and rebel against my mother more and purposely NOT do my homework.

I was such a horrible child. LOL.

She stopped when the shrink she made me see told her that it was a worthless punishment.

She eventually got my teachers to fax her my homework schedules and then she checked it every night and wouldn't let me leave or use the phone or do anything unless it was done.

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Good One Angel!

9 Weeks is a long time. I don't have kids, but you're talking to someone who spent all of high school being grounded for a month at a time.

It did nothing but make me mad and rebel against my mother more and purposely NOT do my homework.

I was such a horrible child. LOL.

She stopped when the shrink she made me see told her that it was a worthless punishment.

She eventually got my teachers to fax her my homework schedules and then she checked it every night and wouldn't let me leave or use the phone or do anything unless it was done.

Thank you so much for that thought....it is a really good one!! Sometimes we moms dont always see the big picture....the emotions take over I am afraid!!

Thanks for your time and advice...I do appreciate it !

 

[Rubyfruit]

You have to be very careful of the threats you make, because you have to follow through.

I don't think your anger is unjustified. She lied and she's not pulling her weight. Not good.

Sorry I don't have better advice. Mine are still young, but I've adopted a new "get tough" attititude for the new year. I'm tired of them not listening and misbehaving. I'm strict and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Good luck to you hon. You're a saint raising so many kids on your own and caring so much about them.

 

[Lusciousladyf]

You have to be very careful of the threats you make, because you have to follow through.

I don't think your anger is unjustified. She lied and she's not pulling her weight. Not good.

Sorry I don't have better advice. Mine are still young, but I've adopted a new "get tough" attititude for the new year. I'm tired of them not listening and misbehaving. I'm strict and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Good luck to you hon. You're a saint raising so many kids on your own and caring so much about them.

Thank you Ruby!! It is not easy at all...but they are my everything!!

I am tough too...and I sometimes wonder...can you be too tough? I dont feel I am ...but then again, I am MOM LOL

Thanks for taking the time to listen to me and thanks for the ecouragement!

 

[llee69]

Ok here I am going back and forth, pm'ng and trying to type in here, plus another thread or 3...

I recentally kicked out a good friends son for prety much this behavior. J flunked senoir year 2 times before quiting all together. After running out of jobs in small town Tennessee his dad asked if he could move up here. Since I have several emoty bedrooms I agreed, on the condition that he would get his GED. After being here for almost 3 months he was working at walmart and nothing else. 1 night he came home saying that he needed a hundred bucks to pay a tow truck driver for towing his now totaled car. (well really his dads car that he had not made a payment on).

He stayed a few nights with someone he works with so he could get to work. About 5 nights after he totaled the car he was to take the GED entrance exam. That was the same day that his dad came up here to tow the car back to Tenn and pay me back the money. His dad called to Walmart to see about what time J was going to get off work for the test. Well he never told anyone at walmart about the GED so he was woking till midnight...

This pissed me off so I told him he could get his stuff and was not welcome back. I dont need someone here who is not paying rent, eating my food to lie to me.

Ok so far no advice I guess???

J's dad was aways riding his ass about school. And J always lied about how it was going (reminds me of a daughter righ now) J's dad is a hot head though so I do believe he could have done things beter, anyway.

Yes I do think you need to stick with the punishment she was told about. Have her teachers sign a form everyday on wether or not her work is done etc. Then in a few weeks if all is going well maybe let her out on the weekends.

I think you can lighten it up AFTER she proves that she is trying. Untill then stick to your guns woman!

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Thank you Lee!

Thanks for taking the time and helping me out!
I guess I needed to vent and be sure that I am on the right track.

The idea about letting her out as she proves herself is a good one....thanks !

 

[p_p_man]

Mine are still young, but I've adopted a new "get tough" attititude for the new year. I'm tired of them not listening and misbehaving. I'm strict and I don't feel bad about it at all.

Now that's the best advice I've read on this thread.

Kids are not "friends".They're kids. And from a very early age discipline must be part of the growing up process. You don't negotiate with children. The normal adult reasoning and logic of why they should and should not do something, is way beyond them. Whereas a quick slap across the backs of the legs or the backs of the hands isn't.

At 14 going on 40 it's too late for that, so Lusciousladyf will just have to weather the storm, and wait for her daughter to settle back down again.

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Now that's the best advice I've read on this thread.

Kids are not "friends".They're kids. And from a very early age discipline must be part of the growing up process. You don't negotiate with children. The normal adult reasoning and logic of why they should and should not do something, is way beyond them. Whereas a quick slap across the backs of the legs or the backs of the hands isn't.

At 14 going on 40 it's too late for that, so Lusciousladyf will just have to weather the storm, and wait for her daughter to settle back down again.

I would agree with you there ...to a certain degree. I was not fortunate enough to be there when they were younger as I would have liked..their Dad was ...and not too effectively (But that is a whole other story )
I realize some of this behavior is typical of the age as well, regardless of how they were raised. At this age they are discovering themselves as an individual and want to assert that individuality.
As a little thought...in the "old" days... you could give them those slaps...these days...they are taught by the school systems to call Child Protective Services! I have seen a few of my friends have to endure that process. I am not talking about beating your kids...but just as you mentioned!!
I am weathering the storm, I am a survivor....always have been and always will be but I cannot let this go unpunished just the same.

Thanks for your thoughts p_p_ man...I do appreciate them! And thanks for taking the time to read my thread!

 

[p_p_man]

It's only a pity that so many parents...

are inhibited in disciplining their own children by idiotic laws passed by short-sighted "visionaries". Sometimes I'm embarrassed to call myself a Socialist!

But as you say Lusciousladyf your daughter's biological development has a lot to do with her behaviour...

I'll say again. Batten down the hatches and may you reach port safetly at the end of the few years journey of storms you're about to undertake!

 

[Weird Harold]

I realize some of this behavior is typical of the age as well, regardless of how they were raised. At this age they are discovering themselves as an individual and want to assert that individuality.

One thing you need to get through to kids in their early teens:

"If you want to be treated as an adult, then act like an adult. If you act like a child then you'll be treated like a child."

No fourteen-year-old can really act fully adult, but the principle of rewarding responsible behavior with trust and childish behavior with supervision still applies.

 

[LadyDarkFire]

Good luck to you LLF, sounds like you're going to need it. One thing that might help in hammering out the attitude trouble with your daughter is to set certain limitations on where you consider her an adult. If you treat her like an adult in only certain situations, she might get resentful of this one, and will then rebel. Generally, faxing the homework, and checking it is a handy thing, but teachers to change the assignment on occasion, and will sometimes hand out long term assignments that need to be worked on everynight. If this gets troublesome, you might want to have her get each teacher to sign off on any changed days in her student planner. Then, if she only misses certain assignments, you know where the pattern is. Also, having homework done at the kitchen table, or somewhere else within plain veiw helps. It allows her not to use old, similar looking, work to substitute with an erasure at the top and a couple of changes to answers.

 

[Bigdog]

Lusciousladyf

I am a Toughlove parent, so I talk to people every week who have problems just like yours. I'll share with you some of the things I have learned from personal experience. FYI, I have a 13 year old stepdaughter for whom a C average would be an improvement.

1. Limit any restriction to 2 weeks maximum. Teenagers don't look down the road for consequences, that is an adult trait. If the restriction is too long they see it as forever and will break the rules anyway. If they can see the end in sight it gives them something to work for.

2. Always follow thru on your consequences, no matter how hard it is on you. If you give in early you will not be taken seriously in the future. Keeping your word to the letter empowers you and puts the parent in charge, not the kid. But this only works if you adhere to rule 3.

3. Never punish your child when you are angry. The heat of battle is where you overreact and get your buttons pushed. This leads to laying down consequences that you can't back up. Better to just say "There WILL be consequences for your actions" and leave it at that for a day. When you are cool and calm, you can decide consequences that are natural, fair, and YOU can stick to.

4. This applies to schoolwork only: there is nothing you can do to make your child WANT to do well in school. Take a step back and let your child face the music. You can't control her at school, so don't try. Let the school handle her there, you take care of the homefront. Set a specific time for homework to be done; you can't make her do homework but you can remove all other activities during the specified time.

5. Remember that you can only change your own behavior. You can't change your child, but you can make them react to changes in you. With change often comes conflict, this is a clue you are doing something right. Keeping them guessing and on their toes puts the parent back in charge.

If you (or anyone else) want to know more, just ask. Or go to www.toughlove.org to find help in your area.

 

[SoftPeaches]

Re: Lusciousladyf

I am a Toughlove parent, so I talk to people every week who have problems just like yours. I'll share with you some of the things I have learned from personal experience. FYI, I have a 13 year old stepdaughter for whom a C average would be an improvement.

1. Limit any restriction to 2 weeks maximum. Teenagers don't look down the road for consequences, that is an adult trait. If the restriction is too long they see it as forever and will break the rules anyway. If they can see the end in sight it gives them something to work for.

2. Always follow thru on your consequences, no matter how hard it is on you. If you give in early you will not be taken seriously in the future. Keeping your word to the letter empowers you and puts the parent in charge, not the kid. But this only works if you adhere to rule 3.

3. Never punish your child when you are angry. The heat of battle is where you overreact and get your buttons pushed. This leads to laying down consequences that you can't back up. Better to just say "There WILL be consequences for your actions" and leave it at that for a day. When you are cool and calm, you can decide consequences that are natural, fair, and YOU can stick to.

4. This applies to schoolwork only: there is nothing you can do to make your child WANT to do well in school. Take a step back and let your child face the music. You can't control her at school, so don't try. Let the school handle her there, you take care of the homefront. Set a specific time for homework to be done; you can't make her do homework but you can remove all other activities during the specified time.

5. Remember that you can only change your own behavior. You can't change your child, but you can make them react to changes in you. With change often comes conflict, this is a clue you are doing something right. Keeping them guessing and on their toes puts the parent back in charge.

If you (or anyone else) want to know more, just ask. Or go to www.toughlove.org to find help in your area.

Some good advice......but I think tough love doesn't always have to mean you have to be tough.
Perhaps your teenage daughter, despite the fact that she may not show it, is craving attention. You mentioned that you are a single mother supporting 4 kids and going to school ---- that is ALOT on your plate! Is it possible that you and your daughter need to spend some quality time going over her homework? Have her show it to you (read her papers to you, etc), ask her at dinner exactly what she is learning in her classes, instead of just asking if everything is going well in school. Keep track of when her tests are, ask her teachers for copies of her syllabi, so you know what is expected of her, and when she might guilty of dishonesty. Her attitude may be 14 going on 40, but she as well as the average 14 year old are eons away from that maturity level. It may be an adjustment, and mean yet more work for you, but being involved in a positive, preventive way will make everyone happier in the long run.
Oh, yeah, and don't forget to praise her.....reward systems seldom work, but you would be surprised how much finding a way to take her to a coffee shop one on one for an hour will mean to her, or even a heartfelt letter on her pillow letting her know how proud you are of her.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

 

[Tungwagger]

Hey Luscious!! I finally found it!! (Guess I'm not as experienced as my title would say)

I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said...all of it so far has been good advice.

About the only thing is, stick to your guns, praising her when she does what is expected of her, checking on her all the time because of the lying.

I guess all I'm really doing is being redundant....

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Re: It's only a pity that so many parents...

are inhibited in disciplining their own children by idiotic laws passed by short-sighted "visionaries". Sometimes I'm embarrassed to call myself a Socialist!

But as you say Lusciousladyf your daughter's biological development has a lot to do with her behaviour...

I'll say again. Batten down the hatches and may you reach port safetly at the end of the few years journey of storms you're about to undertake!

I agree...I dont like the idea that I am not free to do what I want in my own home...unfortunately that is the reality these days. However much I might want to ignore that fact and do it anyway....I would do my children no good locked away either. And they have no one else to care for them...least the alternatives would be worse for them.

So yes, I have battened down the hatches ...and come hell or high water ...I will weather these storms and not drown in the meantime!!

Thanks again p_p man !

 

[Lusciousladyf]

One thing you need to get through to kids in their early teens:

"If you want to be treated as an adult, then act like an adult. If you act like a child then you'll be treated like a child."

No fourteen-year-old can really act fully adult, but the principle of rewarding responsible behavior with trust and childish behavior with supervision still applies.

Thank you very much and so true. I will tell her that...AGAIN

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Re: Lusciousladyf

I am a Toughlove parent, so I talk to people every week who have problems just like yours. I'll share with you some of the things I have learned from personal experience. FYI, I have a 13 year old stepdaughter for whom a C average would be an improvement.

1. Limit any restriction to 2 weeks maximum. Teenagers don't look down the road for consequences, that is an adult trait. If the restriction is too long they see it as forever and will break the rules anyway. If they can see the end in sight it gives them something to work for.

2. Always follow thru on your consequences, no matter how hard it is on you. If you give in early you will not be taken seriously in the future. Keeping your word to the letter empowers you and puts the parent in charge, not the kid. But this only works if you adhere to rule 3.

3. Never punish your child when you are angry. The heat of battle is where you overreact and get your buttons pushed. This leads to laying down consequences that you can't back up. Better to just say "There WILL be consequences for your actions" and leave it at that for a day. When you are cool and calm, you can decide consequences that are natural, fair, and YOU can stick to.

4. This applies to schoolwork only: there is nothing you can do to make your child WANT to do well in school. Take a step back and let your child face the music. You can't control her at school, so don't try. Let the school handle her there, you take care of the homefront. Set a specific time for homework to be done; you can't make her do homework but you can remove all other activities during the specified time.

5. Remember that you can only change your own behavior. You can't change your child, but you can make them react to changes in you. With change often comes conflict, this is a clue you are doing something right. Keeping them guessing and on their toes puts the parent back in charge.

If you (or anyone else) want to know more, just ask. Or go to www.toughlove.org to find help in your area.

Wow!! Thank you very much for this information...and I will check out that website.
I agree with everything so far...and I am no pushover for sure. I guess I laxed with her because she is such a good kid really. She is not rebellious in any other way like drinking, drugs, sex, disrespectful with her mouth, etc... but I am afraid that this rebellion at school may carry over into these areas in the future.

Thanks again Big Dog!! I'll keep ya posted !

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Re: Re: Lusciousladyf

Some good advice......but I think tough love doesn't always have to mean you have to be tough.
Perhaps your teenage daughter, despite the fact that she may not show it, is craving attention. You mentioned that you are a single mother supporting 4 kids and going to school ---- that is ALOT on your plate! Is it possible that you and your daughter need to spend some quality time going over her homework? Have her show it to you (read her papers to you, etc), ask her at dinner exactly what she is learning in her classes, instead of just asking if everything is going well in school. Keep track of when her tests are, ask her teachers for copies of her syllabi, so you know what is expected of her, and when she might guilty of dishonesty. Her attitude may be 14 going on 40, but she as well as the average 14 year old are eons away from that maturity level. It may be an adjustment, and mean yet more work for you, but being involved in a positive, preventive way will make everyone happier in the long run.
Oh, yeah, and don't forget to praise her.....reward systems seldom work, but you would be surprised how much finding a way to take her to a coffee shop one on one for an hour will mean to her, or even a heartfelt letter on her pillow letting her know how proud you are of her.

Hope this helps! Good Luck!

Thanks Soft Peaches!! Yes, it is possible that she craves more attention...I will not deny that ALL my kids probably NEED that...and if I can put more hours in my day I surely would!!
That being said... it is not easy to do everything on my own. I have no one to babysit (and could not afford it anyway) but Itry to make time here at home where I take each child, one-by-one into my room and we do whatever they want.
Every day, the first half hour after school is spent with all of us on my bed talking about our day. That is the best time of the day for me. We also will talk at the dinner table. But I find by spending that time when we first arrive home much better as everyone adjusts from their hectic days and has some transition time.

Thanks again and everything everyone has said helps me...and I thank you all for taking the time to read this and respond!

 

[Lusciousladyf]

Hey Luscious!! I finally found it!! (Guess I'm not as experienced as my title would say)

I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said...all of it so far has been good advice.

About the only thing is, stick to your guns, praising her when she does what is expected of her, checking on her all the time because of the lying.

I guess all I'm really doing is being redundant....

Thats ok Tung!! Love the AV!! I am glad that you found it...and now you understand my mood the other night LOL I had to vent !!

 

[Tungwagger]

Thats ok Tung!! Love the AV!! I am glad that you found it...and now you understand my mood the other night LOL I had to vent !!

I certainly do....

<Bumping Luscious to the top again>

 

[Lusciousladyf]

I certainly do....

<Bumping Luscious to the top again>

Thanks for the bump...but maybe it is time for it to die!! LOL It was the rantings of a mad momma....who has since cooled her heels...and heeded the advice of all who took the time to post!

Thanks everyone!!

 

[SweetBrat73]

I'm just gonna be annoying and bump this

 

[Lusciousladyf]

OUCH!!! THAT HURT!!

Sure the world is ready for a bump of this magnitude

Actually...the offender is dutifully serving her time...and not loving it a bit ! And guess what?? The Valentine's dance is coming up soon...awwwwwwww too bad she can't go !!