Why didn't this ad work?

[C5MiGuy]

I placed this ad on a couple dating websites and got no responses...

You are impossible to find. Which is puzzling to me because age (old enough to be legal, young enough to still have kids without complications), race, eye color, hair color (so long as it looks natural), and height aren't limiting requirements. Even hair color isn't a deal breaker. But here's why you are impossible to find:

First off, you are single and available. Which means you are not in a bad relationship or just getting out of one where you refer to your ex as a variety of terms that are not appropriate on Nickelodeon. Actually, the referring to an ex in a constantly derogatory manner is going to get old in a hurry, and I'll probably tell you to shut up about it. If you feel the need to keep calling him names, you still aren't ready for someone new.

You are in shape, or getting in shape. "In shape" does not mean round. Round is A shape, not in shape. If someone asks when you are due, and you aren't pregnant, that is not in shape. Getting in shape does not mean 50lbs overweight, and you are *thinking* about going to the gym. I am in shape (OK, I have 6lbs left to lose, and that will be taken care of by the end of next month) If you are in the same position I am, that's acceptable. It could even be a personal challenge as to who meets their goal first between us.

You have no children. No offense, I love kids, kids love me, and I want kids *of my own.* Here's the problem with dating someone with kids - who might be completely awesome, and I would probably even like them, but I am not just dating you and your schedule. I'm dating your kids' schedule, your babysitter's schedule, your ex's schedule. Plus when he decides that he really doesn't want to see you with anyone, he suddenly has something come up. That weekend we had planned alone together gets ruined because the kids aren't going with their dad. Plus, my two seat sports car doesn't have room for them, sorry. I'm not bringing any kids into the situation, neither are you. The only way it will work with you having kids is if you have a full time live in nanny (not a relative) that is there to take care of them - and if that's the case, you certainly aren't here reading this ad.

You work days during the week and almost always have weekends off (48 out of 52 free weekends would be almost always). Working days means approximately 8 to 9 hours starting around when the sun comes up. I've tried dating the 2nd shift/retail/restaurant worker crowd, and it just doesn't work. I'm ready to go to sleep, and you're getting off work, and as I'm getting off work, you're heading into it. No thanks. When I'm looking to spend time with someone, I don't mean it to be on the phone for 2 minutes to say goodnight.

You have a decent income, your own place, and aren't saddled with a ton of debt. I am 100% debt free. That includes my house, and all my vehicles are paid off. I really don't want to meet someone, take that next step, and end up back in the hole again. I've sacrificed quite a bit to get where I am financially, and don't want to go back there. A mortgage and car payment is one thing. $56,000 in school loans or $20,000 in credit card debt is another. Hint: The second two are not OK. Plus I like to travel last minute and have the means to do so. Have some money available to take a weekend trip to the Carolinas, or Florida, or wherever we throw a dart at the map and it lands, although in reality I'ld probably foot the trael bill most of the time.

You have free time. Having a hobby or hobbies that takes up all of your free time is not going to work. Or if you have a girls night out...every night. Or if you volunteer at a soup kitchen 5 days a week. That is awesome if you do and you're doing something commendable, but it's really not going to mesh with me very well. I want to be able to see you, not just text or talk on the phone about when we might see each other again.

Your idea of fun includes more than "hanging out, chilling, watching TV, and reading." I like to get out and DO things: Last minute road trips (or air trips - I am a pilot and own my own plane), cycling along the lake shore, a week long canoe trip in Montana, four-wheeling in the woods, you get the drift. Something to get out of the house.

You are more artistic and right brained than I am. I'm analytical and logical enough for the both of us. I need someone who can complement who I am, and not be a carbon copy of myself.

You are actually looking for a nice guy, and are up front about what you want and why he's not it. You do not use the line "you're a nice guy but, I just don't feel the connection." That is weak and cowardly. You actually have enough decency to tell the guy, "I seriously just don't find you attractive because you have a lazy eye." No, I don't have a lazy eye.

You don't have a criminal record. I've only been in the back of a police car once, and that was because it was raining and the cop didn't want to ask about the accident details while standing in the rain.

Most importantly: Drinking and using is not a hobby of yours. A drink with dinner, or a few drinks around the campfire is one thing. If you've woken up in someone else's bed in the last 2-3 years and don't remember how you got there -- that is not OK. You are not a smoker -- of anything at all. You are not a user, and you are clean. I don't have or need a prescription for cocaine and Valtrex. Neither do you.

Now that all that is out there, I can also throw in the typical things everyone wants - smart, funny, good looking, honest, blah blah blah. Like anyone is really looking for a dumb, boring, ugly liar.

So, here's a little about me:
39, Single, white, available, no kids, 6'3" 191 (as of this morning), short blonde, sky blue, smart (and smart ass), sarcastic, determined, financially secure, love to travel (hate doing so alone), hell of a cook, dog owner...ah, screw it, no one reading this qualified. But if you think you did, submit a cover letter, resume, 3 letters of recommendation, and 2 photographs that accurately represent what you look like currently.

So where did I go wrong?

Oh yeah, I suppose this kinda doubles as an ad here, but at the same time not really. But you can feel free to submit the cover letter, resume, LoRs, and photos if you feel you make the cut.

(I did tweak the information in the ad to fit my situation as of today.)

 

[Whiskey1965]

Its a lot to read, tease them then if they ask for more give them more!
Hey good luck.

 

[craiger58]

If you expect any woman to "submit a cover letter, resume, 3 letters of recommendation, and 2 photographs that accurately represent what you look like currently", you're either displaying a sly sense of humour or you're a certifiable whack-job. Just sayin'.

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Good luck finding those 1 or 2 women out there that might possibly qualify!

 

[C5MiGuy]

Good luck finding those 1 or 2 women out there that might possibly qualify!

So you're saying there's a chance!!!

Here's another one I posted on CL without much success as well. Still can't figure out why.

Not looking for "the one"...

...or my "soul mate" or my "life partner" or any other number of sickening, clichéd terms that make me want to vomit up the lunch I enjoyed today.

No, I will have none of that. I have lowered my standards and have delved into the bowels of wretchedness and vile that is craigslist. I'm hoping to find my way into your single wide trailer with stained carpet and peeling linoleum. Or your studio apartment that looks like it was decorated with findings from the dumpsters behind McDonald's, with yellowed walls and ceilings from your 3 pack a day habit. But mostly, I am looking for someone who I have no expectations of. That's right, I'm looking for you. You, because you had three teenagers before you were thirty; you don't know who the father is of two of them, and the third one looks a bit like Uncle Walt. The best part about your kids, other than the way they are ill-behaved, and you do nothing to correct it is that we can plan a nice evening or weekend together, and at the last minute your kids can come down with the flu, or your babysitter had to get a last minute abortion, and your ex-won't watch them because he hates me. At least that's what you say, even though it's because he's on the state's SO list, and is barred from being within one hundred yards of anyone under the age of twelve. I'm looking for that person who has gaudy tattoos, sounds like Marge Simpson's sisters and smells like the stomach contents of a beluga whale. And on some level even resembles a beluga whale. Oh, sure you may not look that way now, but I can see it inside you. A couple months after you've got your claws dug in, you'll start to look that way. You've got your man now, there's no need to try and stay in shape. You can just let go and start buying nothing but sweatpants because they are comfortable, you don't have to replace them every six weeks like a molting rhinoceros, and they hide the cottage cheese build up.

I am not looking for that special someone who is supportive and intelligent. You can find that anywhere. Nay, I would much rather be with someone who is always complaining about me, and would list Wheel of Fortune as educational experience on a resume. Although, ideally you would have never filled out a resume, because those three kids of yours was your way to milk the welfare system so you never had to work. Or if you did work, it required no more skill that giving them your name, and checking a box on which sex you were, and whether you were born in this country or not. I am not looking for someone to travel with, or to enjoy a trip down a class three rapids with. No, what I want is that someone when I ask what she likes to do, will respond with "stuff" and "hanging out," or even better, "going to the mall." I want to hear you talk about all your friends and the rumors of who stabbed whom in the back, and that you are going to be a grandmother next week even though you were born within a few years of when Thriller came out. That's what I am looking for.

 

[sunshinegirl05]

There might be 1 now....after that ad! hahaha

 

[C5MiGuy]

There might be 1 now....after that ad! hahaha

I like to cast a wide net.

 

[subdued_passion]

So you're saying there's a chance!!!

Here's another one I posted on CL without much success as well. Still can't figure out why.

- So, is the CL ad still current?

- And are 3 teenage kids an absolute requirement if I manage to meet everything else and look like I could pop out triplets any day now?

 

[sunshinegirl05]

I like to cast a wide net.

well.....errrmm.......okay! LOL

 

[subdued_passion]

I placed this ad on a couple dating websites and got no responses...



So where did I go wrong?

Oh yeah, I suppose this kinda doubles as an ad here, but at the same time not really. But you can feel free to submit the cover letter, resume, LoRs, and photos if you feel you make the cut.

(I did tweak the information in the ad to fit my situation as of today.)

Oh BTW did you put your pic in your profile when you placed the ad? Coz you may not have received any responses since you do appear to be a little bit cross-eyed, just saying, since you asked and all.

 

[C5MiGuy]

- So, is the CL ad still current?

- And are 3 teenage kids an absolute requirement if I manage to meet everything else and look like I could pop out triplets any day now?

Ha. No, the CL ad was written 2-3 years ago. The funniest (or scariest) part about it, was the women that responded thought I was serious, and they matched exactly what I had posted I was looking for. Some people don't get sarcasm.

You would have to pop out triplet teenagers if you want to make the cut.

 

[C5MiGuy]

Oh BTW did you put your pic in your profile when you placed the ad? Coz you may not have received any responses since you do appear to be a little bit cross-eyed, just saying, since you asked and all.

Ah, that's the problem, I did post a picture of me!

 

[sunshinegirl05]

Ah, that's the problem, I did post a picture of me!

I told you what picture you should post of you. LOL.

 

[C5MiGuy]

I told you what picture you should post of you. LOL.

The one with my back hair done up in cornrows??

 

[sunshinegirl05]

The one with my back hair done up in cornrows??

The other one with your mullet

 

[subdued_passion]

Ha. No, the CL ad was written 2-3 years ago. The funniest (or scariest) part about it, was the women that responded thought I was serious, and they matched exactly what I had posted I was looking for. Some people don't get sarcasm.

You would have to pop out triplet teenagers if you want to make the cut.

You're confusing me... You say you got exactly what you asked for and still claim that the ad failed?!?

Also, why are you leading me to think that I may have a chance (because I am pretty determined to not travel with you and hence willing to artificially inseminate myself with teenaged triplets- if that sounded like something illegal please excuse me... my english not so good) if the ad is no longer current?

 

[C5MiGuy]

The other one with your mullet

I can honeslty say that I made it through the 80s and 90s without ever sporting a mullet. Bowl cut on the other hand...

 

[C5MiGuy]

You're confusing me... You say you got exactly what you asked for and still claim that the ad failed?!?

Also, why are you leading me to think that I may have a chance (because I am pretty determined to not travel with you and hence willing to artificially inseminate myself with teenaged triplets- if that sounded like something illegal please excuse me... my english not so good) if the ad is no longer current?

I was trying to get in touch with my femine side by saying one thing but meaning another.

 

[subdued_passion]

Ah, that's the problem, I did post a picture of me!

Yeah, I did notice another pic in your profile (did you really think lil Miss detective wouldn't?) and it looks like you are suffering from male pattern balding.

Now the way I see it is a woman who is fit, intelligent, single, child-free, debt-free and with some cash to spare will want a man with a head of hair she can hold on to while she forces his face down on her.

Just my 2 pence... but what do I know, we have paisa here.

 

[subdued_passion]

I was trying to get in touch with my femine side by saying one thing but meaning another.

Your feminine side seems more like the pathetic loser you were seeking in your CL ad... I say just let your inner woman die coz she's creating negative stereotypes about the rest of us.

 

[C5MiGuy]

Yeah, I did notice another pic in your profile (did you really think lil Miss detective wouldn't?) and it looks like you are suffering from male pattern balding.

Now the way I see it is a woman who is fit, intelligent, single, child-free, debt-free and with some cash to spare will want a man with a head of hair she can hold on to while she forces his face down on her.

Just my 2 pence... but what do I know, we have paisa here.

Your detective work needs honing. In the summer - when that picture was taken, I cut my hair down to less than 0.5cm long. It's also better to use your palms against the back of the head when forcing a man down on you. The leverage is better.

 

[subdued_passion]

Your detective work needs honing. In the summer - when that picture was taken, I cut my hair down to less than 0.5cm long. It's also better to use your palms against the back of the head when forcing a man down on you. The leverage is better.

I referring to the receding hairline and not the hair-length (damn! Did I just disqualify myself from applying for the CL).

Palms behind the head for forcing a man down on you... Ok, I'll take your word for it since you appear to be speaking from experience.

 

[C5MiGuy]

I referring to the receding hairline and not the hair-length (damn! Did I just disqualify myself from applying for the CL).

Palms behind the head for forcing a man down on you... Ok, I'll take your word for it since you appear to be speaking from experience.

As the recipient, yes. Though my preference is along other lines.

 

[aexoticgrl]

I want you... You know where.

 

[C5MiGuy]

I want you... You know where.

...behind bars? ...listed on PPO paperwork? ...to go to hell?