Why are so many people so scared to talk about stuff?

[JAYBE30]

Why are so many people so stuck on being so privet about so many things??
If they don't talk about things they like, don't like, what they've been through, how it makes them feel, etc. How do they expect to make real friends?

I feel like I'm the only person in the world that can just have a conversation with a stranger and am not afraid to talk about anything and everything.

Doea anyoen ele relate to this?

Relate or not, what are your thoughts??

 

[Januari]

Are you talking about in general or on here?

Some have learned hard lessons on here about trust and protecting privacy so they may not be so willing to expose all (or any) details of their personal lives.

If you mean in general, I think it's because we're all glued to our cell phones. At one point while out tonight, it was noted how many of us (myself included) pulled out our cell phones at some point. Maybe we're losing our ability to communicate face to face. Or maybe I'm reading too much into your post. It was a bit vague.

 

[JAYBE30]

Are you talking about in general or on here?

Some have learned hard lessons on here about trust and protecting privacy so they may not be so willing to expose all (or any) details of their personal lives.

If you mean in general, I think it's because we're all glued to our cell phones. At one point while out tonight, it was noted how many of us (myself included) pulled out our cell phones at some point. Maybe we're losing our ability to communicate face to face. Or maybe I'm reading too much into your post. It was a bit vague.

No your not reading to much into it, I'm talking in general, online, phone, person.
It seems everyone especially women have been burned so many times they are just shut down afraid to get hurt again, but it makes them push out the good guys.
This stemes from a little long distance thing I just delt with and basically got "dumped" in a pretty disrespectful way in my opinion when all she had to do was talk to me about how she was feeling and it could have been nicer for both of us and stayed friendly.
Its also hard to get to know people when they aren't forth coming about what they're looking for or how they're feeling.

I am generalizing a bit much here because its not like I talk to THAT many women, but it just seems I'm so lucky to find all the ones that have these kind of problems

 

[barefootgirl69]

Maybe because we don't want to put effort into something and end up ghosted. I'm not talking about personal details, just feelings, emotions. Making friends is time consuming, so it depends on how much one wants to invest. There's only so many hours on my day, and I can be friendly, but I have to limit that because of RL obligations.

But, honestly, you aren't alone, you aren't the only person interested in friendly banter and conversation. Keep looking. We're out there. Promise.

 

[Januari]

No your not reading to much into it, I'm talking in general, online, phone, person.
It seems everyone especially women have been burned so many times they are just shut down afraid to get hurt again, but it makes them push out the good guys.
This stemes from a little long distance thing I just delt with and basically got "dumped" in a pretty disrespectful way in my opinion when all she had to do was talk to me about how she was feeling and it could have been nicer for both of us and stayed friendly.
Its also hard to get to know people when they aren't forth coming about what they're looking for or how they're feeling.

I am generalizing a bit much here because its not like I talk to THAT many women, but it just seems I'm so lucky to find all the ones that have these kind of problems

Ahhh. Funny enough, the topic of hypersensitivity in women also came up. But it became a very in depth (and somewhat political) conversation about masculinity in the US and the #MeToo movement. I won't rehash it all here, but the general consensus came down to communication, and not just verbally.

Distance relationships are even harder as they require more communication to maintain trust and intimacy. Text messages and emails lack tone so they are easy to misread intent and yet many of us do most of our communicating that way.

I'm sorry you were "dumped" in such a manner. The ending of most relationships are painful but can be more so when you don't have that sense of finality or closure. I wish I had advice or even encouragement to give. I guess just keep trying. I'm sure there's some quote, parable, saying along the lines of good things to those who persevere or something but I can't recall one so it must mean it's time for sleep.

 

[hot_hunny_bunny]

Maybe because we don't want to put effort into something and end up ghosted. I'm not talking about personal details, just feelings, emotions. Making friends is time consuming, so it depends on how much one wants to invest. There's only so many hours on my day, and I can be friendly, but I have to limit that because of RL obligations.

But, honestly, you aren't alone, you aren't the only person interested in friendly banter and conversation. Keep looking. We're out there. Promise.

Totally agree there are pros who just want friendly chat and banter but do need to protect themselves because of hurt

 

[Jada59]

Aargh! I somehow lost two replies.

I'll give you an example from my own life. I've been cooking for about a year and a half for a guy. I could tell that he loved steak but didn't like potatoes. He finally admitted to not liking asparagus or another dish that I'd made. I tried to be gentle and kind, explaining that it would be more cost effective and better for both of us if I made what he wanted. That way I wasn't wasting my time and food and he would get a meal that he wanted.

Part of this has to do with trust issues. I think he feared if he told me the truth, I'd be offended or stop cooking for him. I finally insisted that he go shopping with me. I had him pick out some frozen meals to eat when I'm not home and also pick out his favorite produce.

We had a long talk a little while ago and I learned that his grandma raised him for a good portion of his life. She gave him the same meal each day. Overcooked chicken, sometimes with a bit of gravy but usually none, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. He was required to eat what was on his plate whether he liked it or not and could do nothing else until the food was finished. He said he learned to keep his mouth shut and wolf down the food so he could go play.

Now we are working on working together for meals and other things. I think it's hard for him because he is a middle child from a somewhat large family. I think his wants and needs were never taken into consideration so it's hard for him to make decisions.

I'm a first born and spoiled. I am used to getting what I want. I guess I am lucky that way.

Then we have matters of the heart. Sometimes a person doesn't want to admit their feelings to another person because they might fear that the other person doesn't feel that way. They might be afraid of being dumped. So they clam up and don't say too much.

 

[HBergeron]

RL is one thing, but online or on Lit specifically, I've known too many people who got burned by sharing too much. It's one thing to give their real first name, but if they won't even give inconsequential info like what kind of music or movies they like, then after a few PMs and you don't even have a feel for them, it gets boring.

 

[Jada59]

Totally agree there are pros who just want friendly chat and banter but do need to protect themselves because of hurt

This is something I just don't get. I lived in military housing for many years. I am still in contact with a few people from those days. But for the most part, a lot of people, women especially refused to form friendships. They said they knew they'd be moving on and wanted to avoid the hurt of leaving friends behind.

I have people who are no longer in my life. There was no hurt! If I love or truly care about another person, I want what's best for that person, even if that means not being with me. I want them to be happy! Now I may harbor some anger if they were abusive to me or something like that. In that case, leave and don't let the door hit you in the ass! Or do... I don't care either way.

If you read my stories, some are about men I an no longer with. But it's all good. I still have pleasant memories. They have moved on and I hope they are happy!

 

[hotwords229_A]

Interesting. I don't relate to this. I actually find people (pretty much everywhere) to be very open--sometimes sharing stuff that seems way too personal right off the bat, which I like, but it does surprise me sometimes.

Online, I think people (women especially) should be very careful about sharing too many details of their personal life. There is an actual level of danger involved. But, in general, I think people are not too afraid to discuss things, sometimes they just need a little time to open up.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

For me, it's not about making a bad investment. You're calling them private things - I'll call them intimate things and they require a level of trust that is built over time. The other thing could be included here is.. the intimate experiences I've had with someone else are often something that we've set aside time to create and appreciate within the context of a relationship. You're not a part of that relationship and so I can only share some of those details without betraying a different trust.

It's not about whether you can talk to a stranger. It's about whether or not you can be sincere in your interest and then use that to create something bigger.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Interesting discussion. I love to talk to people. I like to share interests and can talk about almost anything. I despise small talk. I don't want to talk about how it's snowing out unless it's relevant to life....nor do I want to rehash some stupid show on television. I'm too busy living life for that.
BUT.. you learn after time, especially online to be guarded. Investing in people emotionally takes something out of you and not everyone is worth that time. Not everyone values it.
So somedays, when I don't have a ton to do (which is rare) i'm more likely to talk to someone randomly and have a discussion, you might get my thoughts and interests and feedback on any number of things, but emotionally I'm guarded with new people and that's the smart and safe way to be.
I generally keep people in one of three categories. Trusted, professional or acquaintance.
Acquaintance gets friendly me. I'm going to mostly listen and encourage you to talk about yourself. You'll get very little of "ME" until I know you better, maybe never, depending on whether or not I actually like you.
Professional gets a completely different side of me than personal people, but they do often get my all. I'm not afraid to share a lot of myself with people I know professional. Just not my personal intimate side.
And the trusted hear about EVERYTHING. What I ate last night, why I hate these new panties I bought, how I felt when my Gran died, why I hate the word slush and my latest sex dreams... because I like to talk and I like to share and I embrace intimacy with those that I connect with.

No your not reading to much into it, I'm talking in general, online, phone, person.
It seems everyone especially women have been burned so many times they are just shut down afraid to get hurt again, but it makes them push out the good guys.
This stemes from a little long distance thing I just delt with and basically got "dumped" in a pretty disrespectful way in my opinion when all she had to do was talk to me about how she was feeling and it could have been nicer for both of us and stayed friendly.
Its also hard to get to know people when they aren't forth coming about what they're looking for or how they're feeling.

I am generalizing a bit much here because its not like I talk to THAT many women, but it just seems I'm so lucky to find all the ones that have these kind of problems

"these kind of problems"
You mean the kind that occur when they are hurt by someone?
When they invest and either betrayed or discarded?
We don't do the damage to ourselves you know...
To quote a popular tv show character, "Everybody lies"
I've found that to be true.
Fortunately, I'm involved with someone who values transparency as much as I do, but in the past, every man I met here lied. They either hid a major detail, flat out lied about something and then often lied about lying. Is there any question why I would struggle to believe the words that come out of people's mouths (or keyboards?)
People really struggle with communication in general though. It's easier to not talk sometimes and it's hard to find the words that aren't triggers to people when you do try to communicate.
Additionally there are direct communicators and passive communicators and the two will find worlds of miscommunication in attempting to converse.

Maybe because we don't want to put effort into something and end up ghosted. I'm not talking about personal details, just feelings, emotions. Making friends is time consuming, so it depends on how much one wants to invest. There's only so many hours on my day, and I can be friendly, but I have to limit that because of RL obligations.

But, honestly, you aren't alone, you aren't the only person interested in friendly banter and conversation. Keep looking. We're out there. Promise.

The bolded part about.
My time is valuable to me. I don't want to waste it. No one wants to waste it. It's the most important thing we have. Time spent can never be replaced unlike just about everything else.

Interesting. I don't relate to this. I actually find people (pretty much everywhere) to be very open--sometimes sharing stuff that seems way too personal right off the bat, which I like, but it does surprise me sometimes.

Online, I think people (women especially) should be very careful about sharing too many details of their personal life. There is an actual level of danger involved. But, in general, I think people are not too afraid to discuss things, sometimes they just need a little time to open up.

Hotwords nailed it here too. I'm an open book for the most part but I'm not giving people the details here until they earn it. It's just not safe. Yet... on the flip side, I've met several people here in person, and it's turned out beautifully, but I know someone who did so with near disastrous results as well. Safety first friends!

For me, it's not about making a bad investment. You're calling them private things - I'll call them intimate things and they require a level of trust that is built over time. The other thing could be included here is.. the intimate experiences I've had with someone else are often something that we've set aside time to create and appreciate within the context of a relationship. You're not a part of that relationship and so I can only share some of those details without betraying a different trust.

It's not about whether you can talk to a stranger. It's about whether or not you can be sincere in your interest and then use that to create something bigger.

Oh I like that inclusion. I tell people that I share within the confines of what's mine to share. I'm not going to tell other people's secrets.

So I don't know if this helps you OP, but maybe it gives you an idea of why people don't talk about stuff, the things they do talk about and the whys. I'd encourage you to work on your communication because that's the part YOU can control. Ask what you want to ask, say what you mean to say and see where that gets you. Sometimes you have to hold your breath, type the words, close your eyes and hit send.

 

[scsoutherngent]

I am very open about my cancer. I have been told that I seem to be very at ease about it, and I guess that I am. I mean it is what it is. It doesn't define me, but it is a part of my everyday life that I have to face, and I deal with it as best as I can. It has changed the way I approach life, and how I live. The one big thing that some people might think is that it doesn't have anything to do with sympathy. It's a life experience that has changed me for both good and bad. I try to be open about that as well.

On other subjects it might take me a while to open up to someone, but usually not too long. I'm pretty much an open book, especially once I get to know someone.

I do understand people who have trust issues, especially online. I have seen far too many people who just love to gather information, just for the sake of knowing something about someone else. I don't understand the purpose of befriending someone for that purpose, but there are people out there like that. I'm the same in real life as I am online. I don't have an online persona, or several online personas. Some people love to play games, and you have to learn how to identify them. My philosophy is have fun and treat people the way you want to be treated.

 

[RocketLauncher]

Prolly cuz some people have had their pm's hacked and personal info shared.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This has the potential to be ugly. This thread.
What Tink said. And hotwords.

I personally don’t care if a nice guy feels left out because I’m too cautious. That’s his problem.
Not interested is just that.

 

[UgliestSon]

Real talk with DJ Real Talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxOALbBJ08I

If the future's as bleak as I hear on the street, we're looking at a real long haul
The people I speak to take drugs when they need to stop thinking about it all
Me? I've taken a few so I could stop thinking too--who hasn't used a drug?
But turning off yr mind a couple few too many times can turn you to a real dumb slug

 

[done_got_old]

Why are so many people so stuck on being so privet about so many things??
If they don't talk about things they like, don't like, what they've been through, how it makes them feel, etc. How do they expect to make real friends?

I feel like I'm the only person in the world that can just have a conversation with a stranger and am not afraid to talk about anything and everything.

Doea anyoen ele relate to this?

Relate or not, what are your thoughts??

We have come to the point where people are too concerned about offending someone. Rather than offend and perhaps lose your job, they say nothing. Too many people don't know the difference between fact and opinion. You're entitled to your opinion, but please don't state it as a fact.

 

[UgliestSon]

Keeping it real mothafuckas

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/jk2wol/chappelle-s-show--the-mad-real-world--pt--1---uncensored

 

[LostGirlTink]

We have come to the point where people are too concerned about offending someone. Rather than offend and perhaps lose your job, they say nothing. Too many people don't know the difference between fact and opinion. You're entitled to your opinion, but please don't state it as a fact.

I disagree. I don’t care if I offend someone but I do actually think of how what I say might be perceived.
It never stops me from saying what I want to say though

 

[AlwaysFara]

I disagree. I don’t care if I offend someone but I do actually think of how what I say might be perceived.
It never stops me from saying what I want to say though

Nor, me.

 

[UgliestSon]

More people need to be like GG Allen and Ted Nugent and less like Bruce Springsteen and Colin Kaepernick.

 

[ArtisticX]

because "most" of the flock are followers, whose primary concern is fitting in with others. Culturally and genetically pre-dispositioned to avoid any sort of controversy. Literally fleeing from any idea not already approved for mass consumption by the boss sheep >> BigBrother

 

[hotoldrguy]

because "most" of the flock are followers, whose primary concern is fitting in with others. Culturally and genetically pre-dispositioned to avoid any sort of controversy. Literally fleeing from any idea not already approved for mass consumption by the boss sheep >> BigBrother

I think when you have been here longer you will find there is plenty of controversy and drama and plenty of people willing to speak their piece. I think what more people on here are concerned about is giving too much personal information and finding themselves outed or blackmailed.

 

[Midwest50Guy]

No your not reading to much into it, I'm talking in general, online, phone, person.
It seems everyone especially women have been burned so many times they are just shut down afraid to get hurt again, but it makes them push out the good guys.
This stemes from a little long distance thing I just delt with and basically got "dumped" in a pretty disrespectful way in my opinion when all she had to do was talk to me about how she was feeling and it could have been nicer for both of us and stayed friendly.
Its also hard to get to know people when they aren't forth coming about what they're looking for or how they're feeling.

I am generalizing a bit much here because its not like I talk to THAT many women, but it just seems I'm so lucky to find all the ones that have these kind of problems

A lot of girls here (not all, but a lot) have ghosting down to an art form, probably for the reasons you mentioned. They just don't want to get hurt or want to do it before it possibly is done back to them.

Nothing you can do about it and I would just move on and do not take it personally.

Nothing gained is without risk and you will find that needle in the haystack here.

 

[jaF0]

How do they expect to make real friends?

Relate or not, what are your thoughts??

Friends suck. They will ALWAYS screw you. Never tell anyone anything you don't want to come back on you later.