When to call it a day?

[blulilacgrl]

Happy Valentine's Day


I'm sure he's a lucky man


If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question


What did you look for in a man ? What qualities are most important ? What is more important in life to you ?

It's funny you ask because I think the same idea of getting older and appreciating different things applies here. There are some things that I have always looked for (and luckily found a long long looooong time ago!). Sense of humor (he has to make me laugh), good work ethic, time and attention. Those are basic staples for me. But as I've gotten older the things that I would look for if in the position to do so would be someone who sticks. By that I mean when shit gets bad and tough and I want to or need to break down, that person who is gonna hold me together and pick me up. I would want someone who recognizes the importance of family and familial obligations. And the biggie would be someone who gets me. Someone who caters their actions and gifts by knowing who I am and what I value. For example, every Christmas, Hubby buys me a shit ton of the thickest, biggest, warmest woolen socks and they are the bestest gift ever!! I drive a used car and decorate my house with secondhand furniture finds but I have top notch, expensive winter socks.

How about you? What do you look for?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

Bit late to the party...

When I was new to Lit, I put up with all sorts of bullshit from men I wasn't even interested in because I didn't know how to say no. That changed over time, and eventually I learned that I could sort men into yes, no, and maybe(but probably not) within the first few messages, and that it was a waste of everyone's time to keep talking after I knew it wasn't going anywhere. If there's not a spark there today, there's not going to be one there tomorrow. *

The shift in my standards from 'Well, he says he didn't mean it, I guess I should give him another chance,' to 'He's not bringing enough to the table that I want to eat,' was a game changer. I went from drawing the line at repeated bad behavior to drawing the line at a lack of consistently desirable behavior and lemme tell ya, it made the sorting and refusal process infinitely easier. It also helped that I figured out what I want, and that I'm not going to find it here.

Early on, endings were messy because I avoided conflict and didn't know how to wrap things up swiftly and cleanly. Later, it became less of an issue as I became more selective and then gradually stopped investing. No dramatic Dear John letters, just unanswered messages or iggy for the persistent fellas.

In the interest of transparency, I did not always handle myself with grace when I was the one getting the boot.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Bit late to the party...

When I was new to Lit, I put up with all sorts of bullshit from men I wasn't even interested in because I didn't know how to say no. That changed over time, and eventually I learned that I could sort men into yes, no, and maybe(but probably not) within the first few messages, and that it was a waste of everyone's time to keep talking after I knew it wasn't going anywhere. If there's not a spark there today, there's not going to be one there tomorrow. *

The shift in my standards from 'Well, he says he didn't mean it, I guess I should give him another chance,' to 'He's not bringing enough to the table that I want to eat,' was a game changer. I went from drawing the line at repeated bad behavior to drawing the line at a lack of consistently desirable behavior and lemme tell ya, it made the sorting and refusal process infinitely easier. It also helped that I figured out what I want, and that I'm not going to find it here.

Early on, endings were messy because I avoided conflict and didn't know how to wrap things up swiftly and cleanly. Later, it became less of an issue as I became more selective and then gradually stopped investing. No dramatic Dear John letters, just unanswered messages or iggy for the persistent fellas.

In the interest of transparency, I did not always handle myself with grace when I was the one getting the boot.

Okay question... do you ever feel a bit jaded by being on Lit for so long? I know I do at times. Like my basic default at this point is "no". It would take a lot... like a lot a lot...to make me consider going down that path.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

POUNCE

How I love you. I could have written this, word for word.

meow!

Your insistence on real in your relationships has been an inspiration.

Okay question... do you ever feel a bit jaded by being on Lit for so long? I know I do at times. Like my basic default at this point is "no". It would take a lot... like a lot a lot...to make me consider going down that path.

Jaded? Well, yes, I hit that threshold a while back. And then again and again and again, until I was done. But I didn't come here married, so I have options that most Litsters don't.

I don't see myself ever pursuing an online relationship again. I've had enough of rice cakes, I'm holding out for a pot roast.

 

[Orchidea73]

Or when they never call you by your name. Lol. Easy to keep straight if everyone has the same pet name/endearment.

I'm so bad with names. In 90% of cases I call them by their wrong name. And I don't discriminate. It's the same whether you're a woman or a man. lol

 

[Orchidea73]

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

If you bore me and can't handle a conversation on various topics. There has to be something more than just sexual that connects us. Especially if it's online because there really is a limit amount of time I can tell you "I love your cock" before it gets boring. And speaking about online, if we have the chance and the possibility to meet, then we better do it sooner rather than latter. I do not like to drag things online. Internet is a good tool to meet people but not a place to have and grow a relationship. Obviously I'm talking about those who are not married. That's a whole different game.

Another reason that makes me walk away is jealousy, insecurity and whining. That's kind of a deal breaker for me. Lack of confidence, especially in a man, is a complete turn off for me.

Last but not least, is the change in patterns. When you suddenly are too "busy" and don't find the time for me anymore. Not even a banal "good morning" or "I'm thinking about you" etc. The "I'm busy" thing is BULLCRAP! I know it and you know it. Don't use it, it's pathetic. lol

Do I sent a Dear John text? No. I call them out on their behavior, when/if they are trying to sell me their bullshite, but otherwise I just back off and let it go. If they want explanations they can ask and I will give it to them. Usually, players don't ask for explanations. They know what's going on and they don't have the balls to be open about it. Plus, let's face it, they never cared to begin with, so they take the chance of just fading away in a heartbeat.

I'm okay with that. I do not chase "closure". Ultimately, the only one who can give me closure is myself. I don't let the door to be closed by somebody else for me. I can do it myself. Sometimes it can be difficult but eventually I close it and that door stays closed for good. Plenty of fish in the sea. Next!

 

[TheOriginalSA]

It's funny you ask because I think the same idea of getting older and appreciating different things applies here. There are some things that I have always looked for (and luckily found a long long looooong time ago!). Sense of humor (he has to make me laugh), good work ethic, time and attention. Those are basic staples for me. But as I've gotten older the things that I would look for if in the position to do so would be someone who sticks. By that I mean when shit gets bad and tough and I want to or need to break down, that person who is gonna hold me together and pick me up. I would want someone who recognizes the importance of family and familial obligations. And the biggie would be someone who gets me. Someone who caters their actions and gifts by knowing who I am and what I value. For example, every Christmas, Hubby buys me a shit ton of the thickest, biggest, warmest woolen socks and they are the bestest gift ever!! I drive a used car and decorate my house with secondhand furniture finds but I have top notch, expensive winter socks.

How about you? What do you look for?

I think there has to be some physical attraction, but that's just a piece of the puzzle.

Shows effort
Is kind
Positive
Not lazy
Appreciate
Loves herself
Sense of humor
Has standards


Just a woman being herself
Kindness and Effort are top of the list for me, without those 2, there's going to be a lot of issues

 

[Cyberbella]

I’m not big on relationships on Lit...if we’re talking online relationships. I’ve had some pretty wonderful ones I’ve met elsewhere.

Here I find if someone doesn’t put forth any sort of effort to converse, if they’re consumed with themselves and feed their own egos, if the conversation doesn’t flow and there are long awkward pauses, or if they’re so clingy you need a dryer sheet to pry them off you...these are all bad signs. I also think commonalities are a must.

Usually I don’t get to the...hey this isn’t working stage, but there’s been a few times I have. I feel like being honest is key. The ones that haven’t gotten that far..I just tend to fade away over time.

 

[Apple_of_Eden]

If you bore me and can't handle a conversation on various topics. There has to be something more than just sexual that connects us. Especially if it's online because there really is a limit amount of time I can tell you "I love your cock" before it gets boring. And speaking about online, if we have the chance and the possibility to meet, then we better do it sooner rather than latter. I do not like to drag things online. Internet is a good tool to meet people but not a place to have and grow a relationship. Obviously I'm talking about those who are not married. That's a whole different game.

Another reason that makes me walk away is jealousy, insecurity and whining. That's kind of a deal breaker for me. Lack of confidence, especially in a man, is a complete turn off for me.

Last but not least, is the change in patterns. When you suddenly are too "busy" and don't find the time for me anymore. Not even a banal "good morning" or "I'm thinking about you" etc. The "I'm busy" thing is BULLCRAP! I know it and you know it. Don't use it, it's pathetic. lol

Do I sent a Dear John text? No. I call them out on their behavior, when/if they are trying to sell me their bullshite, but otherwise I just back off and let it go. If they want explanations they can ask and I will give it to them. Usually, players don't ask for explanations. They know what's going on and they don't have the balls to be open about it. Plus, let's face it, they never cared to begin with, so they take the chance of just fading away in a heartbeat.

I'm okay with that. I do not chase "closure". Ultimately, the only one who can give me closure is myself. I don't let the door to be closed by somebody else for me. I can do it myself. Sometimes it can be difficult but eventually I close it and that door stays closed for good. Plenty of fish in the sea. Next!

************

Why don't I remember writing that?

Addendum to the above: Lies, cheats, and people who break my trust.

 

[Orchidea73]

************

Why don't I remember writing that?

Addendum to the above: Lies, cheats, and people who break my trust.

I left them out as deal breakers. But truth be told, there have been cases when I have forgiven people for all those.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I left them out as deal breakers. But truth be told, there have been cases when I have forgiven people for all those.

Did it ever work out? After forgiving them, did they actually change? Or did it just become an example of why the rule is the rule?

 

[Orchidea73]

Did it ever work out? After forgiving them, did they actually change? Or did it just become an example of why the rule is the rule?

No, it didn't work. It became an example of why the rule is the rule. But that might just have been that case. I don't know. I've done it with one person only and it's the only ex I'm not in touch with.

 

[Anastasia1999]

I used to lash out and kick myself in the arse for being so naive.

Now I kick myself in the arse, skip lashing out, have a good cry and try to move on.

Life is too short.

 

[n8Romantic]

Good Morning

Debated on posting here. But here goes. From a me perspective. First, to answer the original question. My online experience is limited, but I think blulilacgrl suggestion of quietly phasing out of the relationship is a solid winner.

The fact is, most online relationships are going to be of a temporary nature. I enjoy chatting with people, sex needn't be a topic of this conversation. If it is, and it's fun, and nobodies under any illusions about the exact nature of the relationship, then sex talk is cool. Otherwise, I want to hear about the person. Likes and dislikes, everyday real people stuff. It isn't boring at all to me. I'm a good listener. But if it is boring, I'm outta there. No apologies or Dear Johns/Joans forthcoming.

But really, we're all anonymous here. For the most part anyway. We reveal to people what we wish them to see. In turn, we see them not only as they wish to be seen but also as we wish to see them.

I comment on posters pics. That's why they're posted. I try not to be too overtly, "I want your p...y" sexual, and shoot for a little more subtly with a twist of humor thrown in. But I fuck that up sometimes. I almost never PM anyone initially, and never in an overt sexual manner. No unsolicited dick pics. Ever. If I PM someone, especially women, it's to ask a non-sexual question or thank them for an observation they've made on one of my post. Most don't reply. That's ok, and noted.

Most erotic/adult sites are male dominated, Lit included. The amount of shit you ladies get in PM must be disheartening. I've found the posters on this, and many other threads, male and female, to be interesting and that reflects in their intelligent post. A good sense of humor is a major plus.

Bottom line, I'm not looking for drama or an ongoing sexual relationship with anyone on here. Were that to happen, ok. And it sometimes does happen. I don't take anything on here personally. If I PM you and you don't answer. Cool, I learned something. Besides, I understand you could not possibly respond to every PM you get. Same on posting. You ignore me; cool. I'll get over it. Though I personally abhor rudeness and will always respond to a PM.

 

[mickyp123]

I used to lash out and kick myself in the arse for being so naive.

Now I kick myself in the arse, skip lashing out, have a good cry and try to move on.

Life is too short.

My word you must be supple.......respect

 

[Anastasia1999]

My word you must be supple.......respect

Hahahaha !!!!

 

[blulilacgrl]

Debated on posting here. But here goes. From a me perspective. First, to answer the original question. My online experience is limited, but I think blulilacgrl suggestion of quietly phasing out of the relationship is a solid winner.

.

Along with the idea of phasing out, is when you realize you are the one who is driving it. On that my position has changed I used to hate if I was in the position of always having to inniate contact or conversation. Now I don't mind because what that means is that the entire relationship (be it friendship or more) is at my convenience. So whenever I get tired of doing the work, I can just drop the rope and walk away. All without feeling bad about it. No big goodbyes or any explanations. If someone puts me in the driver's seat then whenever I hit my destination or even get tired of the trip, it can be over. That sounds bad, doesn't it?

When you can’t remember the last time you saw a dick pic.

Okay what's the acceptable amount of time to go without a dick pic?

 

[blulilacgrl]

2 days.

I KNEW there was a reason I thought you were cool af!

 

[mynameisben]

When the waiter keeps banging you in the feet with the vacuum cleaner instead of asking you to lift your legs.


Ben