When to call it a day?

[Chillygirl]

Ouch! Do those bad experiences make you more apprehensive to give a dear John kind of message? Or have you figured out warning signs that tell you it won't end well?

I’ve gotten better at pulling the trigger faster. My problem is I feel bad so I give it way too many chances.

That's just annoying, isn't it - like they think getting pissy is going to make you change your mind.

Exactly....then I’m just irritated that I gave the whole situation so many chances!

 

[Chillygirl]

...Because we are nice and we were raised to give a chance.
It’s so stupid.
People think I’m a hardass here. I’m not. I’m just too old for stuff that’s not real.

Yes! I have no patience for bullshit anymore. And don’t treat me like I’m so easily replaceable cause I know what I bring to the table, I know what I’m worth....if you can’t see it that’s your loss.

 

[SugarSpiceAndLace]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

I don't think it's ever the same point from one relationship to another, so I never know. It depends on how much I have invested, how much we share together, whether I think it could eventually swing back around. I'm usually good at making the call though about when a relationship should end... usually but not always.

 

[Chillygirl]

Dude. You have dogs.

Dogs rule

 

[SugarSpiceAndLace]

If I get jealous over the attention that’s being given to another woman, then I still have feelings for the man. If I’m like whatever, then I’m over him.

Sometimes I'm over the relationship before I'm over the man. Like, I'll know that the relationship is dead for whatever reason, and know that it should stay that way, but I won't quite be over the person I was in the relationship with. So I might still get jealous even though I won't want to get back with that person even if I had the chance.

 

[SugarSpiceAndLace]

THIS.

It's a sucky period because you know you've done the right thing, and maybe you weren't even happy in the relationship at that point, but somehow it still hurts.

 

[Glorygirl78]

When you know it’s never gonna be

 

[SassySheDevil]

Same question as to Faralicious. Lol. Both of you are awesome. O can't imagine y'all being jealous of anyone.

I sat here thinking of how I wanted to respond. A little too much honestly and vulnerability popped in my head. So I'll not relive my most pathetic moments and just say it's probably why I don't have many female friends left.
I'm very rarely jealous of people I don't care about/ know very well. . But it has happened. I've learned that often times, that goes away when I get to know the person though. In that case. It almost always seems to be towards somebody that appears to have a lot of confidence , has and very few insecurities. Once I get to know them and I see that they have insecurities/ they are normal. I feel less... vulnerable. That tends to get rid of my jealousies.

 

[NeonSubtlety]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

If I don’t feel like talking, I’m probably not going to talk. I wouldn’t expect more from someone else, really. When it happens to me, I’m hurt...not because they ghosted me, but because I don’t get to keep talking to someone I wanted to keep talking to.

That level of hurt can vary significantly depending on how into them I was. But it’s not the method of the message that hits hardest; it’s the substance.

All that is to say that I don’t want you sticking around longer than you want to. If you’d rather talk to someone else or fucking binge westworld, do you. You don’t owe me anything. We talked and I enjoyed it. Someone has to enjoy it longer than the other person. If that’s me, so be it.

 

[mickyp123]

I generally decide straight away. It’s often the getting them to believe me that takes much much longer.

Maybe the thread should be called “when to call it a minute”

 

[blulilacgrl]

I sat here thinking of how I wanted to respond. A little too much honestly and vulnerability popped in my head. So I'll not relive my most pathetic moments and just say it's probably why I don't have many female friends left.
I'm very rarely jealous of people I don't care about/ know very well. . But it has happened. I've learned that often times, that goes away when I get to know the person though. In that case. It almost always seems to be towards somebody that appears to have a lot of confidence , has and very few insecurities. Once I get to know them and I see that they have insecurities/ they are normal. I feel less... vulnerable. That tends to get rid of my jealousies.

This really struck a chord with me because it was a lesson I learned in my teenage years. Ever see that movie The Duff? Yeah that was me, minus the hot guy next door. My two best friends are gorgeous. Like drop dead, heads turn when the walk by, gorgeous. Guys used me all the time to get close to them. All. The. Time. Case in point, the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me 2 weeks later and made a move on one of them. (sidenote...as beautiful as my friends are, they are fiercely loyal. Any guy that made me cry was persona non grata to them.) But the more I hung around them the more I became privy to their insecurities. Things no one else saw but was like glaring neon signs to them. Everyone else saw beautiful, confident young women. I however saw the constant worries and tricks they used to "hide" those parts of them that made them insecure. It was a lesson that stuck with me. Confidence is often a projection. It's what we put out, oftentimes, as a facade. Because everyone has that one thing. That one piece of them that they aren't happy with. Maybe that's why I don't really get jealous of people. I just assume that they have something that bothers them.

I will say this also triggered my "call it a day" feeling. Any guy that showed even a passing interest in my friends instantly made me feel "meh" towards him.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Your last paragraph is particularly hard online.

True. Although I have had some people make comments like "you know if any of your friends are interested in....".

But what I hope gets taken away most is that people are always insecure about something. And often appearances, especially online, can be deceiving. Here we have the ability to craft how we present ourselves. I do it all the time on my AmPic thread. Which is another thing I found interesting. I started it to feel better about myself but what I found instead is how people pose, find their angles, and use lighting to present the "best parts of them". I came to realize that those people online that we compare ourselves to, they really aren't all that we think them to be. Or at least not how we perceive them.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Angles and lighting is one thing, but blurred filter faces make me laugh.

And have you seen the filter technology that is out there today? Absolutely crazy!!!

 

[SassySheDevil]

This really struck a chord with me because it was a lesson I learned in my teenage years. Ever see that movie The Duff? Yeah that was me, minus the hot guy next door. My two best friends are gorgeous. Like drop dead, heads turn when the walk by, gorgeous. Guys used me all the time to get close to them. All. The. Time. Case in point, the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me 2 weeks later and made a move on one of them. (sidenote...as beautiful as my friends are, they are fiercely loyal. Any guy that made me cry was persona non grata to them.) But the more I hung around them the more I became privy to their insecurities. Things no one else saw but was like glaring neon signs to them. Everyone else saw beautiful, confident young women. I however saw the constant worries and tricks they used to "hide" those parts of them that made them insecure. It was a lesson that stuck with me. Confidence is often a projection. It's what we put out, oftentimes, as a facade. Because everyone has that one thing. That one piece of them that they aren't happy with. Maybe that's why I don't really get jealous of people. I just assume that they have something that bothers them.

I will say this also triggered my "call it a day" feeling. Any guy that showed even a passing interest in my friends instantly made me feel "meh" towards him.

Same way growing up. My best friend was opposite of me in every way (except eye color) Blonde... We were both skinny then, and I had the boobs, she was flat as a board and they used to give her shit about it. Call her Mosquito bites etc. But EVERY guy wanted her and would be friendly with me to get to her.
Same here honestly. Used to have several guys do the same.. "So how are you today? Uh.. How's your friend.... So and so." used to piss me off. I guess another bonus to not really having female friends anymore.

My best friend here in life. I haven't been jealous with her since High School (when my first boyfriend ran off with her and fucked her to get back at me for breaking up with him) Then I was mad and jealous. We mended fences years later and said no idiot guy was worth losing our friendship. Full circle of insecurity. She admitted she was jealous of what I had (until she knew the details)

 

[KinkyLaughs]

Last Call...

 

[blulilacgrl]

Same way growing up. My best friend was opposite of me in every way (except eye color) Blonde... We were both skinny then, and I had the boobs, she was flat as a board and they used to give her shit about it. Call her Mosquito bites etc. But EVERY guy wanted her and would be friendly with me to get to her.
Same here honestly. Used to have several guys do the same.. "So how are you today? Uh.. How's your friend.... So and so." used to piss me off. I guess another bonus to not really having female friends anymore.

My best friend here in life. I haven't been jealous with her since High School (when my first boyfriend ran off with her and fucked her to get back at me for breaking up with him) Then I was mad and jealous. We mended fences years later and said no idiot guy was worth losing our friendship. Full circle of insecurity. She admitted she was jealous of what I had (until she knew the details)

I count myself very lucky for my BFFs. We decided long ago that no guy was worth our friendship. Which was funny because every guy that steamrolled me to get to them, it never worked. Lol. In fact, one time my friend looked at a guy and actually told him to his face "I could never be with someone who treated my best friend the way you did."

 

[jolson68]

Memories of Good Times

When you know it’s never gonna be

Sometimes relationships end for reasons that are out of our control. It happens. Hopefully at the end of a relationship there are memories of good times. There will be disappointments and a certain sadness....there may be ill will and blame, but it is best to let those go and keep the good memories. All relationships have good memories.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Sometimes relationships end for reasons that are out of our control. It happens. Hopefully at the end of a relationship there are memories of good times. There will be disappointments and a certain sadness....there may be ill will and blame, but it is best to let those go and keep the good memories. All relationships have good memories.

No doubt that it happens but I'm wondering about the ones that are in our control. Beyond deal breakers and such. When do you know a relationship has run its course. And when you make that decision, how do you think nd it?

 

[TheOriginalSA]

This really struck a chord with me because it was a lesson I learned in my teenage years. Ever see that movie The Duff? Yeah that was me, minus the hot guy next door. My two best friends are gorgeous. Like drop dead, heads turn when the walk by, gorgeous. Guys used me all the time to get close to them. All. The. Time. Case in point, the guy I lost my virginity to dumped me 2 weeks later and made a move on one of them. (sidenote...as beautiful as my friends are, they are fiercely loyal. Any guy that made me cry was persona non grata to them.) But the more I hung around them the more I became privy to their insecurities. Things no one else saw but was like glaring neon signs to them. Everyone else saw beautiful, confident young women. I however saw the constant worries and tricks they used to "hide" those parts of them that made them insecure. It was a lesson that stuck with me. Confidence is often a projection. It's what we put out, oftentimes, as a facade. Because everyone has that one thing. That one piece of them that they aren't happy with. Maybe that's why I don't really get jealous of people. I just assume that they have something that bothers them.

I will say this also triggered my "call it a day" feeling. Any guy that showed even a passing interest in my friends instantly made me feel "meh" towards him.

I just read this now and have a lot to say about this issue.

I think everyone has insecurities, even confident people. It took time to develop my confidence, I am on the verge of being cocky, but insecurities and possessive thoughts kick in Sometimes a man has a better body or can provide more financially than I can, insecurities creep up for a second, but I remind myself of everything I have to offer and I don't think anyone is better than the overall package I present.

The situation with your physically beautiful female friends, reminds me of a experience I had many times. One of our friends was a attractive guy, we could be buying all the drinks and the ladies are still flocking to him. We told him " you pretty mfer, we're buying all the drink and the look the ladies aren't paying attention to us " lol. We didn't get upset, we made fun of it and understood women found him more physically attractive, but there was a very small amount of envy there.

It's okay to appreciate beauty and want someone you're attracted to, but if you're only looking for physical beauty, than you're only about fluff and not what truly matters. It says more about their priorities, than anything else. Us men need to make better decisions about who we choose, because the most important things about relationships aren't about beauty. Eventually we stop being in Awe of beauty and start paying attention to the full package she presents and realize we just wasted all this time on fluff and there's nothing worse than wasted time.

 

[jolson68]

No doubt that it happens but I'm wondering about the ones that are in our control. Beyond deal breakers and such. When do you know a relationship has run its course. And when you make that decision, how do you think nd it?

I have limited experience with ending relationships so my reply may not be helpful. Do I read into your post that you are trying to figure out a way to end a relationship? I think a honest and frank exchange is the best way to go. Lying or ghosting is a cheesy way out. A honest exit should make it comfortable to live with yourself and speak to your self-esteem and integrity. Try to make the parting amicable and hold on to the good memories. My two cents.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I just read this now and have a lot to say about this issue.

I think everyone has insecurities, even confident people. It took time to develop my confidence, I am on the verge of being cocky, but insecurities and possessive thoughts kick in Sometimes a man has a better body or can provide more financially than I can, insecurities creep up for a second, but I remind myself of everything I have to offer and I don't think anyone is better than the overall package I present.

The situation with your physically beautiful female friends, reminds me of a experience I had many times. One of our friends was a attractive guy, we could be buying all the drinks and the ladies are still flocking to him. We told him " you pretty mfer, we're buying all the drink and the look the ladies aren't paying attention to us " lol. We didn't get upset, we made fun of it and understood women found him more physically attractive, but there was a very small amount of envy there.

It's okay to appreciate beauty and want someone you're attracted to, but if you're only looking for physical beauty, than you're only about fluff and not what truly matters. It says more about their priorities, than anything else. Us men need to make better decisions about who we choose, because the most important things about relationships aren't about beauty. Eventually we stop being in Awe of beauty and start paying attention to the full package she presents and realize we just wasted all this time on fluff and there's nothing worse than wasted time.

This is what I always find funny, the whole "as you get older, one begins to see the full picture" kind of thought. I mean it's true but I laugh at it as well. I can't tell you how many people, who didn't give me a second glance, who treated me like just one of the guys or as an access point to my more attractive friends, now suddenly want to tell me how awesome I am or how they don't know why they didn't see it years ago. I know why they didn't see it. Because I'm not gorgeous. I'm strong, intelligent, a great friend, supportive...name all sorts of attributes that aren't related to beauty and that's me. But they wanted pretty. So they got pretty.

I have limited experience with ending relationships so my reply may not be helpful. Do I read into your post that you are trying to figure out a way to end a relationship? I think a honest and frank exchange is the best way to go. Lying or ghosting is a cheesy way out. A honest exit should make it comfortable to live with yourself and speak to your self-esteem and integrity. Try to make the parting amicable and hold on to the good memories. My two cents.

No this isn't a personal, help me figure a solution question. It was just a thought that came to mind and I wondered how others see it.

Me personally, I always had 2 ways of ending things and it depended on the other person. If the other person was in it and trying, I would have a sit down chat and say straight up it's not working. If the person was casual, one of those people who just came around sporadically, I would do the gradual fade out and just slip away.

 

[Esslemont]

...this Friday. Graduation.

Beat it nerds. Go bug someone else on a daily basis.

And a short but terse...Congratulations.
I’ll even incline my head in acknowledgment...slightly.

 

[TheOriginalSA]

This is what I always find funny, the whole "as you get older, one begins to see the full picture" kind of thought. I mean it's true but I laugh at it as well. I can't tell you how many people, who didn't give me a second glance, who treated me like just one of the guys or as an access point to my more attractive friends, now suddenly want to tell me how awesome I am or how they don't know why they didn't see it years ago. I know why they didn't see it. Because I'm not gorgeous. I'm strong, intelligent, a great friend, supportive...name all sorts of attributes that aren't related to beauty and that's me. But they wanted pretty. So they got pretty.

I hope you didn't give them the time of day


If it took them that long to spot quality, then they probably don't have their shit together anyway

 

[blulilacgrl]

I hope you didn't give them the time of day


If it took them that long to spot quality, then they probably don't have their shit together anyway

I usually quip something along the lines of "good thing for me, Hubby saw what was important."

 

[TheOriginalSA]

I usually quip something along the lines of "good thing for me, Hubby saw what was important."

Happy Valentine's Day


I'm sure he's a lucky man


If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question


What did you look for in a man ? What qualities are most important ? What is more important in life to you ?