What is monogamy?

[Netzach]

Hats off to anyone with the balls and self-awareness to withstand mainstream social pressure and live in accordance with his or her own core identity. In that sense, I do consider poly to be enlightened.

On the other hand, blanket assertions about the fundamental superiority of one's sexual identity over other identity types seem reflective of a certain insecurity that, ideally, one would eventually be able to overcome.

Absolutely, but there *is* a phase that sexual minorities go through that I affectionately label the "three bean salad" phase, where you have a lot of potluck meetings, and poke your head out and realize that you're more than one person, and try to come to grips with the upside of your identity. Imagine having no upside to your identity presented to you until your early 20's or much later in a lot of cases.

All that exuberance can be pretty freaking obnoxious, whether you're outside the "wow aren't we SO cool" demographic or more comfortably ensconced in it, for sure. But I'm simply trying to remind people that the place it comes from is pretty dark and isolated.

And also, that having alternate relationship structures (I myself kind of find "polyamorous" to be a weird label I'm unsure I like) means you are, at least at this point in time, going to have to give up on some pretty important legitimacy in the eyes of others. Simple things like your plus one tickets and your hospital room become problematic, every SINGLE day you are out you are treated to sage wisdom that your loves will only end in tears from whomever you're being honest with, it starts to become onerous to the point where you need to flip the platitudes around to stay sane.

 

[satindesire]

I'm monogamous by choice. I could be poly, however, at this point in my life I can't realistically see that happening in any way that would be FAIR to another person that might join my marriage.

I think as long as the people in question are truthful with themselves and have compassion for other people's feelings that they're involved with, whatever number of people it happens to be, more power to 'em!

 

[EmpressFi]

I was monogamous for years.. then poly for a few years. Then something happened to me when I got pregnant. While I wouldnt tell my husband he couldnt, it started bothering me... the thought of him being with someone else and I found that while I still loved my other, I wasnt interested in being with anyone else. The baby is nearly a year old and I still feel that way. I havent been attracted to anyone else

 

[JMohegan]

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

Damn it, woman, this makes me want to hug you. Which is really quite frustrating, considering that you're a virtual stranger - not to mention roughly 3,000 miles distant.

Absolutely, but there *is* a phase that sexual minorities go through that I affectionately label the "three bean salad" phase, where you have a lot of potluck meetings, and poke your head out and realize that you're more than one person, and try to come to grips with the upside of your identity. Imagine having no upside to your identity presented to you until your early 20's or much later in a lot of cases.

All that exuberance can be pretty freaking obnoxious, whether you're outside the "wow aren't we SO cool" demographic or more comfortably ensconced in it, for sure. But I'm simply trying to remind people that the place it comes from is pretty dark and isolated.

And also, that having alternate relationship structures (I myself kind of find "polyamorous" to be a weird label I'm unsure I like) means you are, at least at this point in time, going to have to give up on some pretty important legitimacy in the eyes of others. Simple things like your plus one tickets and your hospital room become problematic, every SINGLE day you are out you are treated to sage wisdom that your loves will only end in tears from whomever you're being honest with, it starts to become onerous to the point where you need to flip the platitudes around to stay sane.

I'm a sadist and control freak, who came of age pre-Internet. I don't have to imagine.

I understand what you're saying; I was just adding that it is possible to reach a point of sufficient confidence and comfort in one's own skin to stop lashing out.

 

[graceanne]

Damn it, woman, this makes me want to hug you. Which is really quite frustrating, considering that you're a virtual stranger - not to mention roughly 3,000 miles distant.

Aw. Thanks. *hugs*

 

[PertPerth]

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

I feel the same way

I was monogamous for years.. then poly for a few years. Then something happened to me when I got pregnant. While I wouldnt tell my husband he couldnt, it started bothering me... the thought of him being with someone else and I found that while I still loved my other, I wasnt interested in being with anyone else. The baby is nearly a year old and I still feel that way. I havent been attracted to anyone else

While I haven't had the pleasure of motherhood yet, I have a feeling I'm going to feel the same way.

 

[culloden]

I listen to this awesome podcast called Sex is Fun. Everyone should check it out.

Recently, they had a discussion about monogamy. So for the gang, what does monogamy mean to you? Do you think people should be monogamous? Polyamory and swinging are pretty common in the BDSM world, so why did some of you opt out of monogamy? Has the decision to be non-monogamous brought you closer as a couple (or not)? Check out the show!

http://sexisfunradioshow.blogspot.com/

A lot of people in this thread are down on monogamy. I've been married for twenty some years. Both of us have always been faithful. I expect only death to end my marriage. Why does it work for us? Because each of us makes the other the priority in their life. Because we were friends before we were lovers, and because we've stayed friends. Because we don't play games. It isn't always easy, but the rewards outweigh the costs by a long shot.

I can't say if others should be monogamous. I think they should be honest with their partners, though. Cheating is what bears disapproval.

 

[intothewoods]

I was monogamous for years.. then poly for a few years. Then something happened to me when I got pregnant. While I wouldnt tell my husband he couldnt, it started bothering me... the thought of him being with someone else and I found that while I still loved my other, I wasnt interested in being with anyone else. The baby is nearly a year old and I still feel that way. I havent been attracted to anyone else

I will be interested to hear if this ever shifts again for you. I went through a shift in my sexuality (not poly v. mono) when I got pregnant, and then again about three years after giving birth. I've heard of other people having similar experiences, but of course it's not universal. It's just such an interesting unpredictable thing.

 

[intothewoods]

What's interesting to me is that people will often say, I'm mono because of x, y and z, or I'm poly because of x, y and z, and then a person on the other side of the divide will say, hey, we do/have that too!

I personally identify as monogamous because I'm romantically in love with one person. Beyond that, the label is less than meaningful, since people define monogamy so differently. The monogamous couples in the scene whom I know personally play with other people all the time, but they don't fuck other people. Most vanilla friends of mine would not define that as monogamous.

 

[ownedsubgal]

I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

((((((Grace)))))))

what you say here makes more sense than i'd like to admit, and i do apologize for my earlier comment about not "understanding" monogamy. phrased that way, i do understand it, very clearly.

it's strange because i don't place myself in either "camp" to so speak. i'm not wired to have sex with only one person (or to connect sex with love), and i'm not wired to love more than one person either. the feelings of insecurity and questioning of self-worth you expressed are exactly what i feel when confronted with the very idea of my Master loving someone else, or even deeply caring for someone else. He is my whole heart, it only makes sense to me that i should be his.

unfortunately i had a rude awakening when i realized that he is not wired quite the same way i am. He is able to care for more than one woman at a time, and this revelation completely shattered my world. all the confidence, the sense of value, of specialness, the shaky self-esteem...all these things he had built up in me sense being his slave, and just like that they all just disappeared. it was a nightmare, to put it very mildly.

but of course as a slave, i had to learn to accept it like i accept everything else. it still hurts, and many things will never be the same, but i no longer view his ability to care for others as a sign that i am just not good enough.

now if he simply wanted to scrump a hundred other girls a year, randomly and casually? that would mean absolutely nothing to me. sex is devoid of emotion for me, always has been. but sadly, he is not "wired" that way either.

 

[JMohegan]

What's interesting to me is that people will often say, I'm mono because of x, y and z, or I'm poly because of x, y and z, and then a person on the other side of the divide will say, hey, we do/have that too!

I personally identify as monogamous because I'm romantically in love with one person. Beyond that, the label is less than meaningful, since people define monogamy so differently. The monogamous couples in the scene whom I know personally play with other people all the time, but they don't fuck other people. Most vanilla friends of mine would not define that as monogamous.

I think the nature/nurture "because of" combo for human sexuality is so complex that it's nearly impossible to identify the causal effect. But I agree, it's interesting what people point to.

I tend to look at the definitions in terms of established relationships, with some sort of commitment or general expectation between the people involved. Lots of monogamous couples fuck around or play around (with mutual understanding and consent.) That doesn't make them non-monogamous. Similarly, casually dating & fucking multiple females doesn't make someone like me poly; I'd consider that to be a phase in which a monogamous person is flying solo.

 

[subish2009]

((((((Grace)))))))

what you say here makes more sense than i'd like to admit, and i do apologize for my earlier comment about not "understanding" monogamy. phrased that way, i do understand it, very clearly.

it's strange because i don't place myself in either "camp" to so speak. i'm not wired to have sex with only one person (or to connect sex with love), and i'm not wired to love more than one person either. the feelings of insecurity and questioning of self-worth you expressed are exactly what i feel when confronted with the very idea of my Master loving someone else, or even deeply caring for someone else. He is my whole heart, it only makes sense to me that i should be his.

unfortunately i had a rude awakening when i realized that he is not wired quite the same way i am. He is able to care for more than one woman at a time, and this revelation completely shattered my world. all the confidence, the sense of value, of specialness, the shaky self-esteem...all these things he had built up in me sense being his slave, and just like that they all just disappeared. it was a nightmare, to put it very mildly.

but of course as a slave, i had to learn to accept it like i accept everything else. it still hurts, and many things will never be the same, but i no longer view his ability to care for others as a sign that i am just not good enough.

now if he simply wanted to scrump a hundred other girls a year, randomly and casually? that would mean absolutely nothing to me. sex is devoid of emotion for me, always has been. but sadly, he is not "wired" that way either.

Ugh...this just hurts me so much, for you, for my husband, who is wired like you, and for me, to the extent that I'm wired like he is.

We have, in the last six months, after six years of marriage and 13 years together, realized that I am wired to romantically love more than one person at once, I do connect sex and love, at least in a D/s sexual relationship. I can't submit to someone for whom I don't feel deep affection and trust, and with whom I don't feel that going both ways.

My husband is my number one priority, he IS more important to me than my online Dom, but he is NOT wired this way, and he IS devastated that my feelings are what they are. It is a true testament to his love and devotion to me that he has not ordered me away from my online Dom. If I had to choose, I would choose my husband, there's no question. The only thing keeping him from making me do so is his recognition of how devastating and scarring the pain of ripping me away from my online Dom would be.

I don't know what to do. Neither of us can change how we're built. Divorcing is not an option. But it breaks my heart to think of him indefinitely going through this much pain. I wish so much for a "don't tell unless asked" dynamic like ataxia has described, but, so far at least, my husband just can't deal with that. He needs full disclosure even though every time he asks me anything about my online Dom it leads to a fight, it leads to hurt feelings on both sides, and I hate seeing the pain in him when I feel like if he could just pretend it wasn't there, everything would be fine.

I realize how self-centered that is, though...I mean, he's a D-type, for crying out loud! He's a control-freak and he can't just let it go. Plus, I have the positive of the online relationship to balance out the negatives...he doesn't have that.

That being said...I just can't bring myself to persecute myself for having and wanting more love in my life. My heart is big enough, I can handle it without neglecting anyone in any way. I just can't convince myself that loving someone and being loved is ever going to be wrong.

Sucks.

 

[JMohegan]

That being said...I just can't bring myself to persecute myself for having and wanting more love in my life. My heart is big enough, I can handle it without neglecting anyone in any way. I just can't convince myself that loving someone and being loved is ever going to be wrong.

The mono/poly distinction is not between people with itty bitty hearts vs. people with great big ones. It is between people who thrive on one-on-one focus, vs. people who thrive when the focus is split.

I assume that your husband has the option of establishing a relationship with another woman, but chooses not to. Is that right?

 

[subish2009]

The mono/poly distinction is not between people with itty bitty hearts vs. people with great big ones. It is between people who thrive on one-on-one focus, vs. people who thrive when the focus is split.

Yes, and I totally get that, and did not AT ALL mean to imply that I thought it was some great, evolved ability that I have and he doesn't. I completely agree with you. I go back and forth between feeling all this guilt for being this "freak" who's inflicting all this pain upon him, and alternately feeling this rebellious attitude that I should have the right to love whomever I want to love if it doesn't take away from the love I have for him. I know neither of those feelings represent reality. I'm super-emotional today.

I assume that your husband has the option of establishing a relationship with another woman, but chooses not to. Is that right?

Yes, that's exactly right. And I have acknowledged to him that I would likely experience some jealousy were he to act on that freedom, but that I feel confident I could manage it. I would very much want a situation where it was just kept out of my face as much as possible.

The other piece to this is that while he and I have been together for 13 years, we spent the first two years of that in an open relationship. After we'd both fallen in love with one another. So, part of me feels like it shouldn't be surprising to either of us that i'm wired this way, but I'm surprised that he's suddenly not...except that even as I'm writing that I realize that the key difference is that he doesn't care (within reason) with whom I have sex...it's the love thing. *sigh* Being a grown-up is hard, yo.

 

[MrMentor7]

... So for the gang, what does monogamy mean to you?

Monogamy means to me what it probably means to the average person - exclusivity among two people.

...Do you think people should be monogamous?

Yes, as long as both people want it. Familial stability is a good thing. But everyone is different, so people should always have a choice to do what they want.

 

[JMohegan]

Yes, and I totally get that, and did not AT ALL mean to imply that I thought it was some great, evolved ability that I have and he doesn't. I completely agree with you. I go back and forth between feeling all this guilt for being this "freak" who's inflicting all this pain upon him, and alternately feeling this rebellious attitude that I should have the right to love whomever I want to love if it doesn't take away from the love I have for him. I know neither of those feelings represent reality. I'm super-emotional today.

You aren't a freak, but you *are* the one whose needs are being met in the relationship (while his are not.) Guilt isn't a particularly productive emotion, but it seems understandable under the circumstances.

Of course you have the right to love in accordance with your core identity. So does he. The problem is that you're in an either/or situation which, as you say, sucks. A lifetime of pain for either one of you doesn't seem realistic to me; eventually, something is sure to give.

The other piece to this is that while he and I have been together for 13 years, we spent the first two years of that in an open relationship. After we'd both fallen in love with one another. So, part of me feels like it shouldn't be surprising to either of us that i'm wired this way, but I'm surprised that he's suddenly not...except that even as I'm writing that I realize that the key difference is that he doesn't care (within reason) with whom I have sex...it's the love thing. *sigh* Being a grown-up is hard, yo.

The difference between fucking around and letting some other guy control you is gigantic. Right?

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband is monogamous but I am not. He has absolutely no desire to be involved with another woman sexually and definitely not emotionally. Even while we were still dating and in an open relationship he rarely dated others while I dated many.

My husband is my soulmate and I could never love someone the way I love him. I didn't think I could be in love with another person at the same time ...and then I met my PYL. I had had other short term FWBs since I've been married but they really were just good friends who I had sex with occasionally. My PYL is different. When I realized I was falling in love with him I hesitated at first telling my husband. When I told him he asked me a few questions, demanded total honesty at all times and he was then fine with it. He is secure in my love for him and my devotion to our children and us as a family. He knows that he is the one I want to grow old with. It also helps that my PYL is also in a very happy secure marriage. He has no intention of leaving his wife either.

In my case everyone is happy and getting what they want. We are all respectful of each other and his others families.

I know I am very fortunate.

 

[subish2009]

My husband is monogamous but I am not. He has absolutely no desire to be involved with another woman sexually and definitely not emotionally. Even while we were still dating and in an open relationship he rarely dated others while I dated many.

My husband is my soulmate and I could never love someone the way I love him. I didn't think I could be in love with another person at the same time ...and then I met my PYL. I had had other short term FWBs since I've been married but they really were just good friends who I had sex with occasionally. My PYL is different. When I realized I was falling in love with him I hesitated at first telling my husband. When I told him he asked me a few questions, demanded total honesty at all times and he was then fine with it. He is secure in my love for him and my devotion to our children and us as a family. He knows that he is the one I want to grow old with. It also helps that my PYL is also in a very happy secure marriage. He has no intention of leaving his wife either.

In my case everyone is happy and getting what they want. We are all respectful of each other and his others families.

I know I am very fortunate.

See...that's exactly what I hope that we can work towards. I feel exactly like you: I DIDN'T think it was possible for me to love someone else romantically at the same time as my husband...but I was wrong, and so I didn't see it coming until it was too late.

My online Dom also has a family of his own and no intention of leaving them. I could not possibly want to leave my husband less. But he feels that the threat is there...part of me understands that, but part of me really doesn't: isn't that like the old adage that you could get killed crossing the street? We could end up divorced for so many reasons that have nothing to do with my having an online Dom...look at the stats. I almost feel like we'd be less likely to while I have the freedom to have my online Dom in my life, too. Ugh. It's so complicated.

Do any of you poly people have two PYLs? I'm wondering if that's the real root of my problem here. Asking a PYL to share his pyl with another PYL is asking a lot, I know.

ES, i'm so glad you have such a lovely system worked out and that you're all so happy. Sounds wonderful.

 

[JMohegan]

See...that's exactly what I hope that we can work towards. I feel exactly like you: I DIDN'T think it was possible for me to love someone else romantically at the same time as my husband...but I was wrong, and so I didn't see it coming until it was too late.

My online Dom also has a family of his own and no intention of leaving them. I could not possibly want to leave my husband less. But he feels that the threat is there...part of me understands that, but part of me really doesn't: isn't that like the old adage that you could get killed crossing the street? We could end up divorced for so many reasons that have nothing to do with my having an online Dom...look at the stats. I almost feel like we'd be less likely to while I have the freedom to have my online Dom in my life, too. Ugh. It's so complicated.

Do any of you poly people have two PYLs? I'm wondering if that's the real root of my problem here. Asking a PYL to share his pyl with another PYL is asking a lot, I know.

ES, i'm so glad you have such a lovely system worked out and that you're all so happy. Sounds wonderful.

I'm not sure the threat of you leaving is the main issue here. That is, it may be for your husband, but in general I think something else is at work.

My observation is that people in general have a need to feel special or unique somehow in their personal relationships. The closer you get to exact duplication of your own role or type, the less willing people seem to be to accept alternative relationships.

In addition, when dealing with D-types, there's the control thing. There are many male D-types who proudly proclaim themselves to be poly, but very few who are willing to tolerate an s who also defers to another guy.

 

[ecstaticsub]

See...that's exactly what I hope that we can work towards. I feel exactly like you: I DIDN'T think it was possible for me to love someone else romantically at the same time as my husband...but I was wrong, and so I didn't see it coming until it was too late.

My online Dom also has a family of his own and no intention of leaving them. I could not possibly want to leave my husband less. But he feels that the threat is there...part of me understands that, but part of me really doesn't: isn't that like the old adage that you could get killed crossing the street? We could end up divorced for so many reasons that have nothing to do with my having an online Dom...look at the stats. I almost feel like we'd be less likely to while I have the freedom to have my online Dom in my life, too. Ugh. It's so complicated.

Do any of you poly people have two PYLs? I'm wondering if that's the real root of my problem here. Asking a PYL to share his pyl with another PYL is asking a lot, I know.

ES, i'm so glad you have such a lovely system worked out and that you're all so happy. Sounds wonderful.

My husband is not Domly. Not submissive either but he is not a control freak (at least toward trying to control me) He also knows I have a stronger, kinkier sex drive than does and just wants me to be happy.

So I think you are right in that part of you issue is more of a PYL (your husband) not wanting to share. My PYL is very possessive and no way will share me unless he gets something out of it. PYLs tend to be like that

 

[ecstaticsub]

My observation is that people in general have a need to feel special or unique somehow in their personal relationships. The closer you get to exact duplication of your own role or type, the less willing people seem to be to accept alternative relationships.

I agree completely with this. My PYL and my husband are very different people with different roles in my life. This concept is also why I am not jealous of my PYLs wife. We are different people who serve his different needs. Now...if my PYL would decide he wanted another submissive who could offer him no more than what I offer him...I fully admit the green eyed monster would come out in me. I would find a way to accept it (maybe) but I would have to figure out something unique and special about the two of us vs the two of them.

 

[MrMentor7]

...My observation is that people in general have a need to feel special or unique somehow in their personal relationships...

I can definitely relate to this. Even if the woman I am sleeping with is sleeping with someone else, if I feel I am her favorite or that I hold a special place in her mind, then I am usually happy with that.

 

[subish2009]

You aren't a freak, but you *are* the one whose needs are being met in the relationship (while his are not.) Guilt isn't a particularly productive emotion, but it seems understandable under the circumstances.

Of course you have the right to love in accordance with your core identity. So does he. The problem is that you're in an either/or situation which, as you say, sucks. A lifetime of pain for either one of you doesn't seem realistic to me; eventually, something is sure to give.


The difference between fucking around and letting some other guy control you is gigantic. Right?

Sorry, I missed this response from you earlier.

Yes, about me being the only one getting my needs met. You're right, and it's completely unfair, but, you're right, something is sure to give. We won't let it be our marriage. I am fiercely sure of that. I keep hoping someone will tell me it isn't hopeless, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. My strategy so far has been to just enjoy the time that I have with my online Dom for as long as we have each other. These things never end well.

Yes, you're right again about the difference between 'fucking around' and letting someone control me. But...here's the thing, my other Dom is online-only. We may very well never get to meet in real life. We can't even talk on the phone. We have PMs and only PMs. And he doesn't control me in real-life, meaning he doesn't set tasks for me or order me to do or not to do things...I only take orders from him during on-line sex, and that restriction is at my husband's behest. So the letting-him-control-me is on a pretty tight leash as it is. It's the love thing that gets my husband. He just doesn't want my online Dom to be as emotionally important to me as he is.

I'm not sure the threat of you leaving is the main issue here. That is, it may be for your husband, but in general I think something else is at work.

My observation is that people in general have a need to feel special or unique somehow in their personal relationships. The closer you get to exact duplication of your own role or type, the less willing people seem to be to accept alternative relationships.

In addition, when dealing with D-types, there's the control thing. There are many male D-types who proudly proclaim themselves to be poly, but very few who are willing to tolerate an s who also defers to another guy.

So, in other words, you're saying they might be so much alike in terms of their relationships to me that it's threatening for my husband? Like a fear of being replaced? Or being outdone? If so...hmmm...I could see that. I relate to them each very similarly on a sexual level. I mean, my kinks are what they are and I'm very compatible with each of them, though the sexual relationships are not exactly the same.

Romantically, they each fulfill separate needs. I am happy in my marriage and have zero desire to end it, but my husband and I are VERY different people emotionally and this difference causes frequent challenges to our communication. I've been aware of this since the beginning and it's a challenge I'm willing to live with until I die, despite how maddening it can be sometimes. We have many strengths, but this is by far our biggest weakness as a couple. My online Dom "gets" me on such a deep, intimate level and it's so nice to feel so well and easily understood...it's a major root of our bond to one another. My marriage with my husband, in all areas except this one, has actually been better since I met my online Dom because the online guy fulfills that need to be understood in ways that my husband is unable to understand me, leaving me with more patience and understanding and a better ability to communicate with my husband.

That's the tragic part for me. If there was some way to magically erase awareness of my online Dom from my husband's awareness, we would probably be happier as a couple right now than we've ever been EVER.

But, as you say, there's that D-type control thing that can be such a bitch. I have such love/hate feelings about that particular D-characteristic.

And so I've talked myself back in a circle to what I said above: I'd better just enjoy it while it lasts because it seems unlikely that I'll get to love them both forever, however heart-breaking that my be for me.

Sometimes I wish he'd get on Lit and talk with y'all about it. I feel like he could really benefit from some outside support on this, regardless of whether it helps him tolerate my external relationship more or less. Just for his own mental health, I'd love for him to have a third-party to talk to, but so far I can't convince him to give you all a chance.

 

[subish2009]

p.s. JM? Thank you for listening; it helps.

Everyone else, sorry for monopolizing the thread!

 

[yourmissl]

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

Grace, it shatters me that someone who radiates kindness and intelligence the way you do could ever feel themselves 'not enough,' and I'm so very glad your husband recognizes the treasure he has in your love and devotion.

I do agree with the sentiment for myself, as well... but wasn't as fortunate (or as kind and intelligent ) in my life-choice. Perhaps oddly, I have a similar view of being shared - if he doesn't want me exclusively, he doesn't want me enough, I guess.