"What is it that a Dom does?"

[EllAyyBee]

I find myself in conversations about this all the time. I'm submissive. It comes naturally for me and always has. Just as I assume it comes naturally for a Dom. But there are variations on the d/s dynamic, we all know this. So when this question comes my way, I don't really even know how or where to begin. Obviously I know. I know his role and my role. I know what I like. I know how to behave and to please my Sir. But how do you explain it to someone who's clueless?

So here I am, in this BDSM Talk forum, asking you beautiful people...

What is it that a Dom does?

I'd love to hear your different views and opinions.

 

[Jay321]

I will use masculine prounouns for the dom and feminine for the sub, not being sexist, just that is now I live the lifestyle.

First and foremost, he protects his sub, bottom, little one, name your title here. He supports her when she needs it, punishes her when she deserves it.

He expects proper behavior, and teaches, whether by paddle or by "positive reinforcement" He makes her feel safe and loved. He maintains an air of strength. For these simple things, the undying love of the sub is the most wonderful payment.

This is how I see it. There will be many different opinions that differ greatly from mine, and we are all right. There is no one set definition.

 

[SpunThings]

My husband is in charge of sex and intimacy. That's the best way to describe it simply. What we do is based upon both our preferences, and whatever strikes his fancy in that moment. He does not punish me because I do what he says. And if I have a problem doing what he says, we talk about it and adjust accordingly.

 

[CutieMouse]

We compliment each other. He gets to have as much control as he likes; I do what I can to make his life easier.

 

[cascadiabound]

We compliment each other. He gets to have as much control as he likes; I do what I can to make his life easier.

Yes - this sums it up for us too.

 

[LadyVer]

I mean no offense, but surely there has to be more to this than he has all the control and she submits accordingly. If I wanted that, I would get married again to another jackass. Again, no offense meant.

 

[EllAyyBee]

It's such a naturally beautiful and complementary symbiotic relationship that happens organically. I love it. I miss it dearly.

 

[EllAyyBee]

I mean no offense, but surely there has to be more to this than he has all the control and she submits accordingly. If I wanted that, I would get married again to another jackass. Again, no offense meant.

None taken. That's why I started this. For understanding. I'm headed to bed or I'd say much more. Alas, I can't brain anymore today.

 

[CutieMouse]

I mean no offense, but surely there has to be more to this than he has all the control and she submits accordingly. If I wanted that, I would get married again to another jackass. Again, no offense meant.

My marriage wasn't D/s; at the time, I'd never even heard of BDSM. However, he had all the control.

The difference between that marriage and my current D/s relationship is relationship health and compatibility. My marriage wasn't an emotionally healthy dynamic, and lacked the open communication and consent my D/s relationships have. I've also learned what I want and expect from a relationship - I have a better "picker" than I used to.

So yes, there is a lot more to it than he gets to have the control he wants/I try to make his life easier. We're good friends, enjoy similar hobbies and interests, laugh a lot, enjoy each others company, etc. The sexual compatibility and D/s stuff is pure bonus.

And just because he CAN take as much control as he likes, doesn't mean he DOES. One of the things he likes about me is my ability to take care of things - micromanagement = more work, and he'd rather enjoy me than turn me into one more thing to do.

Likewise, I've had to learn that making his life easier means letting him do things he enjoys (like clean the kitchen while I'm in the shower, so we have more time to enjoy each other), or not push when I think I'm suggesting something helpful (when he'd rather not be helped right now thank you).

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[novicev]

My two cents

Though we try to group everything into d/s dynamic the devil is in the detail and personal dynamic, if it clicks and compliments it is wonderful.

As a dominant, I enjoy when I see the excitement the sub gets pleasing me, it is my pleasure and her pleasure( I use the genders as I am talking about me) I take responsibility for it. The work part is developing the trust and connection n. I like rituals to build the connection and trust and lot of talking, compartmantalised playtime and non playtime, things get tricky online.

I am not an expert, these are the things that work for me...for me the key is connection and should give pleasure for both.

My two cents

 

[SpunThings]

I mean no offense, but surely there has to be more to this than he has all the control and she submits accordingly. If I wanted that, I would get married again to another jackass. Again, no offense meant.

What if someone had all the control, and the majority of their goals matched yours. They used their control to help you meet your goals, and give you what you need in the relationship. They used their control to direct you in how to meet their needs in the relationship, in a way that feels good and fulfilling to you.

It's all about finding a compatible partner. It's all about finding someone who is a good leader, and who you find yourself wanting to follow. I want to do whatever my husband says in the bedroom (because d/s doesn't spill out of the bedroom for us) because I get much more pleasure than when I get to have a say in what goes on. Part of it is enjoying the letting go, but part of it is that I get in the way of my own pleasure if I don't submit.

So yeah it's as simple as he says, I do. But there's one requirement that makes it all work, and that is compatibility. I wouldn't submit to just anyone, as it would likely be awful for me.

 

[EllAyyBee]

Hi Linds.

Not all that many people post on both the BDSM boards and GB,

Yeah, I don't think I'll make this board my home. But I was in a chat last night who was genuinely curious about the topic and I know I'm not the person to answer his questions. I simply said, "I've started a thread for you to help you out" and left it at that. He seemed happy about it. I do hope he's been following along here. The replies have been so nice.

Ultimately, it's easy for people to mistake d/s for harsh control and slave treatment. It deserves a better image than that. To me, the d/s relationship is one of the most honest, trusting, compassionate, and truly loving relationships that exists. I want him, and anyone else who is dubious, to be enlightened to this.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[HisArpy]

Being naturally dominant, for me it's about peace.

I don't want to have an argument over who does what. Sometimes I will do things, if I feel like it, but I don't want to have to tell her to do something she should already be doing. This doesn't mean I'm a slob, but it's her job to take care of US better than I can take care of me alone. If I have to remind her about something, she screwed up and she knows it. It's not just about me, it's about our relationship together.

For her, I try to be there when I'm needed regardless of what's going on otherwise with work or life. I want to hear her speak to me. I listen when she says things because she's important to me. She knows not to bother me with silly stuff about which of her girlfriends is doing what or that she missed watching her favorite TV show. THOSE THINGS are not important to me.

Speaking of friends, interestingly enough she has more freedom in the relationship than I do. She can hang out with her friends if she wants. Just don't neglect our relationship while she does it is all I ask.

In return I give her what she needs; safety, protection, security, trust. I don't look. I don't play. I don't hang out with the guys when I could be with her. For that she yields to me the things I need physically, mentally and emotionally.

You want a good visual of what I want as a Dom? The Movie 'Phenomenon' with John Travolta where Kyra Sedgwick shaves him and then checks to see if she did a good job by running her cheek over his. It's not the shave, he could have done that himself. It's that she cared enough to be sure he got the best she could give him. Herself.

I expect that behavior every day. Maybe not to that level, but I never want to be left wondering if she's happy and content. It's her job to prove to me she is. Every day.

 

[EllAyyBee]

Being naturally dominant, for me it's about peace.

I don't want to have an argument over who does what. Sometimes I will do things, if I feel like it, but I don't want to have to tell her to do something she should already be doing. This doesn't mean I'm a slob, but it's her job to take care of US better than I can take care of me alone. If I have to remind her about something, she screwed up and she knows it. It's not just about me, it's about our relationship together.

For her, I try to be there when I'm needed regardless of what's going on otherwise with work or life. I want to hear her speak to me. I listen when she says things because she's important to me. She knows not to bother me with silly stuff about which of her girlfriends is doing what or that she missed watching her favorite TV show. THOSE THINGS are not important to me.

Speaking of friends, interestingly enough she has more freedom in the relationship than I do. She can hang out with her friends if she wants. Just don't neglect our relationship while she does it is all I ask.

In return I give her what she needs; safety, protection, security, trust. I don't look. I don't play. I don't hang out with the guys when I could be with her. For that she yields to me the things I need physically, mentally and emotionally.

You want a good visual of what I want as a Dom? The Movie 'Phenomenon' with John Travolta where Kyra Sedgwick shaves him and then checks to see if she did a good job by running her cheek over his. It's not the shave, he could have done that himself. It's that she cared enough to be sure he got the best she could give him. Herself.

I expect that behavior every day. Maybe not to that level, but I never want to be left wondering if she's happy and content. It's her job to prove to me she is. Every day.

This is very beautifully written. I love the movie reference. I have always, always adored that scene. She takes him into her control to care for him. The look of love and admiration they share is amazing. And her hand on his face, in that moment she gave herself to him completely. It was natural and unspoken. That's how I think it should happen when a dom and sub realize their connection; natural and unspoken.

Thank you for this.

 

[SpunThings]

This is very beautifully written. I love the movie reference. I have always, always adored that scene. She takes him into her control to care for him. The look of love and admiration they share is amazing. And her hand on his face, in that moment she gave herself to him completely. It was natural and unspoken. That's how I think it should happen when a dom and sub realize their connection; natural and unspoken.

Thank you for this.

Of that's what one wants that's how it should be. Frankly it sounds awful to me. There is no one way these relationships should play out.

 

[EllAyyBee]

Being naturally dominant, for me it's about peace.

I don't want to have an argument over who does what. Sometimes I will do things, if I feel like it, but I don't want to have to tell her to do something she should already be doing. This doesn't mean I'm a slob, but it's her job to take care of US better than I can take care of me alone. If I have to remind her about something, she screwed up and she knows it. It's not just about me, it's about our relationship together.

For her, I try to be there when I'm needed regardless of what's going on otherwise with work or life. I want to hear her speak to me. I listen when she says things because she's important to me. She knows not to bother me with silly stuff about which of her girlfriends is doing what or that she missed watching her favorite TV show. THOSE THINGS are not important to me.

Speaking of friends, interestingly enough she has more freedom in the relationship than I do. She can hang out with her friends if she wants. Just don't neglect our relationship while she does it is all I ask.

In return I give her what she needs; safety, protection, security, trust. I don't look. I don't play. I don't hang out with the guys when I could be with her. For that she yields to me the things I need physically, mentally and emotionally.

You want a good visual of what I want as a Dom? The Movie 'Phenomenon' with John Travolta where Kyra Sedgwick shaves him and then checks to see if she did a good job by running her cheek over his. It's not the shave, he could have done that himself. It's that she cared enough to be sure he got the best she could give him. Herself.

I expect that behavior every day. Maybe not to that level, but I never want to be left wondering if she's happy and content. It's her job to prove to me she is. Every day.

Of that's what one wants that's how it should be. Frankly it sounds awful to me. There is no one way these relationships should play out.

The d/s relationship should begin with a foundation of shared interests and mutual trust. Beyond that, the dynamic of the relationship will vary from couple to couple. You're right, there is no one way these relationships should play out.

My favorite analogy is to think about how many times in non d/s relationships where you've found yourself thinking or saying, "how the hell was I supposed to know you wanted that? I'm not a mind reader!" In a d/s relationship, that isn't an issue. Your wants, desires, and expectations are clearly defined up front. The repercussions, or punishments if that's what the d&s agree on, are also defined. The "rules" are merely the standards they agree on for their adventure. That's what I think of it anyway. You never have that annoying moment of "I'm not a mind reader" Because you know what's expected. It's up to the d&s together to paint the picture.

I think it's important that people know that there is no one set standard practice for a dom/sub relationship. It's easy for it to be mistaken as just control and punishment. Both wonderful things when done right, but the foundation is the most important thing.

I talk too much. I might have gotten derailed a bit. My point was I agree with you.

 

[CutieMouse]

The d/s relationship should begin with a foundation of shared interests and mutual trust. Beyond that, the dynamic of the relationship will vary from couple to couple. You're right, there is no one way these relationships should play out.

My favorite analogy is to think about how many times in non d/s relationships where you've found yourself thinking or saying, "how the hell was I supposed to know you wanted that? I'm not a mind reader!" In a d/s relationship, that isn't an issue. Your wants, desires, and expectations are clearly defined up front. The repercussions, or punishments if that's what the d&s agree on, are also defined. The "rules" are merely the standards they agree on for their adventure. That's what I think of it anyway. You never have that annoying moment of "I'm not a mind reader" Because you know what's expected. It's up to the d&s together to paint the picture.

I think it's important that people know that there is no one set standard practice for a dom/sub relationship. It's easy for it to be mistaken as just control and punishment. Both wonderful things when done right, but the foundation is the most important thing.

I talk too much. I might have gotten derailed a bit. My point was I agree with you.

Ideally, yes. But over the years I've been participating at Lit (and then Fet), the number of submissives who believe the dominant should "just know" is huge. There's this mythology surrounding BDSM, influenced by erotic literature, supported by society's discomfort with talking about sex, that creates the image of all knowing dominants and boundaries-free submissives.

 

[SpunThings]

The d/s relationship should begin with a foundation of shared interests and mutual trust. Beyond that, the dynamic of the relationship will vary from couple to couple. You're right, there is no one way these relationships should play out.

My favorite analogy is to think about how many times in non d/s relationships where you've found yourself thinking or saying, "how the hell was I supposed to know you wanted that? I'm not a mind reader!" In a d/s relationship, that isn't an issue. Your wants, desires, and expectations are clearly defined up front. The repercussions, or punishments if that's what the d&s agree on, are also defined. The "rules" are merely the standards they agree on for their adventure. That's what I think of it anyway. You never have that annoying moment of "I'm not a mind reader" Because you know what's expected. It's up to the d&s together to paint the picture.

I think it's important that people know that there is no one set standard practice for a dom/sub relationship. It's easy for it to be mistaken as just control and punishment. Both wonderful things when done right, but the foundation is the most important thing.

I talk too much. I might have gotten derailed a bit. My point was I agree with you.

There are people who do d/s with very little negotiation, and plenty of expecting their partner to be a mind reader. D/s relationships are relationships, and can be as messy and ineffectual as vanilla relationships. Just as vanilla relationships can include as much trust, deep connection, and communication of wants and needs as a d/s one.

Also, punishment, from my perspective, is another awful thing that I won't abide. If there's a problem we talk it out.

I think people get too swept up in romantic language. The foundation of d/s is one who chooses to submit, and one who chooses to accept that submission. The other stuff is equally ideal in a vanilla relationship as it is in a d/s relationship.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[EllAyyBee]

I sometimes wonder how different, if any our relationship might appear to people since we started including bdsm in our language of communication. I still talk more, but we both communicate well, and he does not shy away from raising issues. I think I am more conscious of how and why I do not push some issues and why I feel someways I do. I think HE feels more empowered linguistically.

I think in many ways the practicalities of our relationship are not so different at all. That's not to say we were always practising bdsm, because we weren't. We always had some views about practicality and roles that suited our specific circumstance, that we needed from each other, and that worked for us both practically and emotionally. 'Submission' was not included In them.

Spun things ( oops, at first I thought it was cutie mouse's post! : well, you both are pragmatic and comprehensive) , as usual your post says is well.

There are people who do d/s with very little negotiation, and plenty of expecting their partner to be a mind reader. D/s relationships are relationships, and can be as messy and ineffectual as vanilla relationships. Just as vanilla relationships can include as much trust, deep connection, and communication of wants and needs as a d/s one.

Also, punishment, from my perspective, is another awful thing that I won't abide. If there's a problem we talk it out.

I think people get too swept up in romantic language. The foundation of d/s is one who chooses to submit, and one who chooses to accept that submission. The other stuff is equally ideal in a vanilla relationship as it is in a d/s relationship.

Oh heck yeah, I think it's very common for a dom to jump into a relationship without knowing much about his role. I learned a lot from Fetlife about subs training their doms. It seems like an oxymoron at first, but not really.

It's all about that communication. While my husband and I don't share a d/s relationship together, we have learned to communicate so well by being involved in the BDSM lifestyle.

 

[cookiecat]

I was in a poly relationship with a guy who convinced me honesty was the way this could work. All of us in the relationship would meet monthly to discuss goals, what was working, yada yada. We had a shared calendar so we knew who was doing what with the other when.

I was to jump through agreed upon hoops to prove I could be fluid bonded with the group. It felt like everything a D/s relationship should be: clear communication, understood roles, shared goals.

He cheated on me with a friend. That made me realize for all the ooey gooey good stuff D/s "should" be - and I love all that stuff - it's still just two (or three or four) people trying to make things work.

 

[EllAyyBee]

I was in a poly relationship with a guy who convinced me honesty was the way this could work. All of us in the relationship would meet monthly to discuss goals, what was working, yada yada. We had a shared calendar so we knew who was doing what with the other when.

I was to jump through agreed upon hoops to prove I could be fluid bonded with the group. It felt like everything a D/s relationship should be: clear communication, understood roles, shared goals.

He cheated on me with a friend. That made me realize for all the ooey gooey good stuff D/s "should" be - and I love all that stuff - it's still just two (or three or four) people trying to make things work.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard to build up that trust in the first place, it must have done a number on you.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's so hard to build up that trust in the first place, it must have done a number on you.

Thanks. It made me more cynical and it broke up a friendship. I was more heartbroken over that than I was him.

In hindsight, the poly relationship was the lure; I was interested in exploring it and I genuinely liked the two other women in the "family."

Mostly, it opened my eyes to the fact the letters D and s don't elevate us to a more connected plane. And, it cemented the reality being the s doesn't absolve me from responsibility.