"What is it that a Dom does?"

[barefootgirl69]

[CAKECUPS MILTON]

Doms, what would you say that you do around here?

Maybe what a Dom does should be bagel-related. I don't care for the ones that come from chains, but they do involve lox. And sometimes the cream cheese is whipped.

Bagels!!!!

 

[MeekMe]

Thank you. I love it.

You're welcome. It tends to keep people from squabbling over it.

I love PYL/pyl. It's liberating.

I do not feel 'sub' exactly, nor wholly any other classification, but like I think a lit of people feel.....a little of this, a little of that...and the label I pick for now is Elle, or me, but it doesn't mean much to anyone. The Bdsm board term 'pyl' clarifies that I am a lowercase without me having to wonder what more definition I need. As someone not seeking a partner this is enough for now, to relate to others. . I'm just a bitter little pyl to swallow. that's all anyone need know

I like it for its generic use. I am sub leaning so I usually use "sub," but I suppose there's more to it than that and I'm at a point where "don't know, don't care" is working for me. When I'm ready I'll unpack that.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Thank god this thread is back on track. I apologize profusely for taking a Talk thread and driving it straight to the Cafe, and now I will do it again.

I looked your posts. Y0u interested me. We will get acquainted?

W3 will respond posts?

Thank god.

btw, the salmon it the best bit. The salmon, everybody. And the LEMON JUICE.

Cream cheese has to be excellent or it's a little disappointing.

I am a salmon lover. These giant salmon, thrashing upstream in tiny creeks to spawn at their ancestral homes. It's among the most moving and mysterious things I have ever seen.

Did I miss out on the bagels? AGAIN? Damn.

Yes. Yes you did.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Blue]

I love PYL/pyl. It's liberating.

*snip*

I'm just a bitter little pyl to swallow. that's all anyone need know

This needs to go on a T-Shirt
We'll make millions selling it to gullible twentysomethings who think having an esoteric double entendre on their shirt makes them cool and hip.

We'll use this thing as a logo of our latest enterprise:
https://i.imgur.com/9cFpWE9.png

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Blue]

1. I am not cool and hip, you are saying?

( it's ok, I know I am not hip, but I thought I might be a tiny bit cool, just because I don.'t care to be, so I thought the not caring made me a little non chalent enough to to be cool anyway. Sort of flakey cool)

2. If this t shirt is for twenty somethings I cannot even wear my own tshirt?

Edit: pfft. I look terrible in t shirts anyway.

I think a lot of my meaning just got lost in translation.
I'm saying (mostly sarcastically) that the shirt should appeal to that crowd of people who go out of their way to be different for the extra attention. Not that you're not hip and cool, which I know you must be based on that green dress and woolly stockings you have. Very hip and cool.
Cooler than me in my absurdly normal clothes at least...
*cry*

Anybody can wear whatever shirt they like.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Hazardo]

I have a couple of female friends physically stronger than most men. One in particular is six foot tall, and does a job most average men couldn't do physically and also lives in the south of England. . You should meet her.

Oh hell no!!!

 

[SpunThings]

There's a difference between the meanings of 'weaker' and 'weak'. I am 'weaker' than some people I know, in different ways, but I am not 'weak'. I know it's a word that sounds derogatory, but it isn't. I have yet to meet a girl who isn't physically weaker than me, but I know plenty of girls who could knock me out if they caught me off guard.

I know my strengths. I have a lot of emotional intelligence and life experience. I never anger. I don't hate. I take life as it comes. I help people. I've suffered a lot of trauma, and I've developed a lot overcoming it. If I didn't do what I do, I'd like to do some form of counselling. I know from lots of experience that I can offer people (male or female) that I meet perspective, patience and advice that can help them grow. Most people I meet are 'weaker' than me emotionally and don't see behaviours, motivations, life challenges, and the bigger picture as clearly as I do. Yet, I am still 'weaker' in this regard to a few people I know, and enjoy being so, because I get to learn from them and grow.

That is said in my defence to help flesh out my point.

To answer your question specifically, submitting to someone is not weakness, unless it is done out of fear. Submission by placing trust when it would be easier not to submit is most definitely a strength. But why submit? What have you got to gain? In my example, and in my desired dynamic, someone chooses to submit to me because they see my strengths (and thus them being 'weaker') and want to experience those strengths and grow.

It's also worth noting that I genuinely do think the desire for control is a weakness. In that specific regard, in not needing control, a sub is stronger than a dom.

Edit: Oh and I missed your other question. No, I date all sorts. I don't look for a weakling to make me feel good, if that's what your assumption was.

There are some people who seem weaker than others on the outside because they struggle with mental illness or chronic illness, yet they handle the shit their brain/body throws at them with amazing strength. Your description of people is awfully one dimensional.

I submit because it helps me feel things I struggle to feel otherwise. My brain is just wired to respond that way. It always has been. It has nothing to do with my emotional toughness. Note I am not claiming to have emotional toughess. Historically I've sold myself short as far as how well I can cope. I think ones toughnness is irrelevant to their desire to submit.

What I will acknowledge is that some people are drawn to a PYL because of a perceived or real strength. I just want to say this is not universal.

 

[Hazardo]

There are some people who seem weaker than others on the outside because they struggle with mental illness or chronic illness, yet they handle the shit their brain/body throws at them with amazing strength. Your description of people is awfully one dimensional.

I don't really see how you interpreted my comments as a lack of acknowledgement for the strengths of mentally/chronically ill people. Care to explain your dig?

 

[SpunThings]

I don't really see how you interpreted my comments as a lack of acknowledgement for the strengths of mentally/chronically ill people. Care to explain your dig?

I didn't say it was a dig. I'm pointing out that outward perception of weakness or strength is not necessarily reliable.

 

[Hazardo]

Well I interpreted "Your description of people is awfully one dimensional" as a dig.

Your point is fair though that outward perception of strengths/weaknesses isn't reliable. I'd like to think that in a relationship you'd have more insight into your partner than just external impressions though.

 

[SpunThings]

Well I interpreted "Your description of people is awfully one dimensional" as a dig.

Your point is fair though that outward perception of strengths/weaknesses isn't reliable. I'd like to think that in a relationship you'd have more insight into your partner than just external impressions though.

Me too. That's why I found it strange to read your words about strength and weakness.

 

[barefootgirl69]

No, I'm not talking about me....

A Dom doesn't come to someone and tell them 'you're a submissive' and take charge of the relationship.

A Dom guides and allows self-discovery; communicating extensively (as each couple needs, what fits them).

A Dom shouldn't continue a certain path without ascertaining that the sub is still on-board, especially if plans have become fluid and are still being ironed out.

A Dom should ask if there is anything that needs to be discussed, what concerns are, and reassure, be honest, and allay any fears.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

A Dom doesn't come to someone and tell them 'you're a submissive' and take charge of the relationship.

A Dom guides and allows self-discovery; communicating extensively (as each couple needs, what fits them).

A Dom shouldn't continue a certain path without ascertaining that the sub is still on-board, especially if plans have become fluid and are still being ironed out.

A Dom should ask if there is anything that needs to be discussed, what concerns are, and reassure, be honest, and allay any fears.

I wish I could go back in time and give this to myself a long time ago.

 

[Misshotndeep]

A Dom doesn't come to someone and tell them 'you're a submissive' and take charge of the relationship.

A Dom guides and allows self-discovery; communicating extensively (as each couple needs, what fits them).

A Dom shouldn't continue a certain path without ascertaining that the sub is still on-board, especially if plans have become fluid and are still being ironed out.

A Dom should ask if there is anything that needs to be discussed, what concerns are, and reassure, be honest, and allay any fears.

I am not saying this to be mean or condescending. let me get that out of the way first. I am not interested in the boot lick parade bothering me again.

But that sounds like a picturesque 1950's marriage.

 

[Farawyn]

I am not saying this to be mean or condescending. let me get that out of the way first. I am not interested in the boot lick parade bothering me again.

But that sounds like a picturesque 1950's marriage.

What does? I think what BFG is describing is basic communication, only she's using the word Dom.

Men who don't identify as Dom (and to be fair, women, too) can always take a page from this.

(Boot lick parade. You mean, subs?
I know I shouldn't, but that made me lol. )

 

[barefootgirl69]

I wish I could go back in time and give this to myself a long time ago.

We are all still growing and learning.

I am not saying this to be mean or condescending. let me get that out of the way first. I am not interested in the boot lick parade bothering me again.

But that sounds like a picturesque 1950's marriage.

It should be the kind of relationship for every decade.

What does? I think what BFG is describing is basic communication, only she's using the word Dom.

Men who don't identify as Dom (and to be fair, women, too) can always take a page from this.

(Boot lick parade. You mean, subs?
I know I shouldn't, but that made me lol. )

Exactly. Someone came to me with a question, and this was a part of my answer. You can't go up and tell someone "you're a submissive" when that person has never identified that way, and then proceed to take advantage, make plans, and make someone feel that they can't speak their mind, or they will 'lose' them. And, it doesn't matter if you're D/s or 'vanilla'... no one should treat another that way, and no one should have to be afraid to communicate their concerns... ever.

As a submissive, I love the guidance and the learning, and it allows me to grow, and adore Him all the more.

I'm working on putting something together about the difference between a dominant and a domineering man (only because this is my world and how I see it). I hope to get some constructive feed back from all of you!

 

[cascadiabound]

We are all still growing and learning.

It should be the kind of relationship for every decade.

Exactly. Someone came to me with a question, and this was a part of my answer. You can't go up and tell someone "you're a submissive" when that person has never identified that way, and then proceed to take advantage, make plans, and make someone feel that they can't speak their mind, or they will 'lose' them. And, it doesn't matter if you're D/s or 'vanilla'... no one should treat another that way, and no one should have to be afraid to communicate their concerns... ever.

As a submissive, I love the guidance and the learning, and it allows me to grow, and adore Him all the more.

I'm working on putting something together about the difference between a dominant and a domineering man (only because this is my world and how I see it). I hope to get some constructive feed back from all of you!

I'm interested in taking a look at it BFG.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Looking forward to it, barefoot!

 

[KayceeCharles]

IMHO, dominance and submission is not merely physical or mental attitude, but a controlled craving for doing the domination or submit to such.

You can be intimidated into submission, but that's not TRUE submission. The subject was not ENJOYING the submission deep down inside.

Same way, merely having a whip or whatever power you wield does not make you a dominant, merely a wielder of power. And if you merely dominate without any morals, you're probably closer to a narcissist or sadist than a true dominant.

And being a MORAL dom means being attuned to your sub's needs, and the ability to push his/her limits when they wish, but stop before you break them. As the cliche goes, with great power comes great responsibility. And with dominant's power comes responsibility to treat the sub with care and respect, but it is a deep amount of trust that is needed to submit.

Dom's duty is to deliver what the sub needed (the need to serve), and in turn get what the dom needs (being submitted to). Some of that involves pain, but much of it is about much smaller gestures. It could involve humiliation and/or taboo play but does not have to. It does not have to involve sex at all.

In a way, a sub's wish is to let go, let their lives to be simple, no more worry about bills or meals or whatever, during the scene.

And a dom's wish to to control and care for a sub, during the scene.