What are the chances?

[JaymesBlond007]

I've been seeing this girl, on and off, for a little over a year and a half. This is very out of character for myself. I guess you could call it selfishness, but I do not like relationships.

I cringe everytime one of my friends calls me up telling about "this new chick" that he met at the bar. Next thing you know, he falls off the face of the Earth for the following three months, never calling anyone, like he's got better things to do now. Yet when he's in shit-house and his new girlfriend's not "givin' it up", he's back at the bar, singing drunken songs about all of "his badass friends" and how "nothing is ever gonna come between us". FUUUCK!
Sorry...I'll get off my soapbox and get back to the actual situation.

This girl that I had previously mentioned, now wants to throw our relationship into fucking hyperdrive, talking about marriage and childeren and everything else that I am absolutely not ready for. We can't go out for one evening and not get in to some big discussion about how, I don't care about her and how I'm being extremely self-centered about the whole situation, when that actually couldn't be further than the truth.

I adore this girl very much. I've never met anyone else who was able to laugh at herself the way she does. She takes jokes like a champ as well as dishes them out. She's a little paranoid about who I hang out with, girl wise, but I think that's just her way of showing me that she wants me for herself. I would love nothing more than to be more involved with her, but that carries major emotional risks.

I'm not about to ruin this poor little girl because I jumped into something that I wasn't ready for, nor do I want to continue seeing her if it involves arguing every time we go out. She's fantastic. Plain and simple. Fantastic. And I don't want to ruin that quality or make her apprehensive toward relationships if this doesn't work out. If you want to hear me say it...I love her.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? Has it ever worked out? I sure could use a little direction on this one.

 

[Rubyfruit]

First question

How old are you?

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Twenty-five

 

[april-wine]

Well Jaymes I'm ganna lay it right out for you......A year come on man, make a decision stay or go!!!! You say you love her than it's time, I don't think you have to marry her, but make an honest commitment........I think you know, deep down it's time as well.....If you wait much longer, you are gonna lose her.......

 

[Rubyfruit]

I was ready to head in the other direction, April.

I don't feel that Jaymes is ready and that's not a good sign.

He's still very young (especially for a man - but that's between you and I) and she's pressuring him. Not a good combination if you ask me.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

I understand why she is pressuring me, and I can't say that I blame her. But I used to be real bad with realationships. I mean I've royaly fucked a few of them up. I promised myself that I wouldn't run into another one without knowing that I could emotionally support her as well as myself.

 

[april-wine]

True Ruby....but as I said stay or go.......A year and a half........hmmmmmmmmmm ........It's time to make a decision of some sort........

Sounds like he wants to have a girlfriend when he's not got something better to do with his buddies...........

Please don't take that badly Jaymes, as Ruby said you are young and hey you are allowed to have fun......But if you are not ready a commitment it's time you came clean, to yourself and your girlfriend..............

 

[phrodeau]

Hate to be painfully honest, but

Disinterest in relationships isn't just selfish, it's immature. Nothing wrong with that, everybody gets to be immature for a while.
Sounds like both of you are too selfish to become married. Has she been showing you how much she cares about you? More than that, has she shown a willingness to suppress individuality and share with you the decisions and attitudes you choose as a couple?
You love her, great. She loves you, great start. But marriage is a social bond, not an emotional one.

 

[seXieleXie]

so... how old is this girl?

the thing is, when you get involved in a relationship you are taking a gamble. guy or girl, you're putting your heart, as well as your time, money, energy, etc, on the line and if the other person doesn't come through it's going to hurt like hell.

your girlfriend should know this. if she does and is still pushing you for more then she knows she is taking a chance on you. she thinks you're worth it. don't try to deflect your fears onto her. "i'm not willing to ruin her." is she incapable of deciding who is worthy of her affections? are you planning to pimp her out and get her hooked on crack? you're going to ruin her? have some perspective.

 

[april-wine]

so... how old is this girl?

the thing is, when you get involved in a relationship you are taking a gamble. guy or girl, you're putting your heart, as well as your time, money, energy, etc, on the line and if the other person doesn't come through it's going to hurt like hell.

your girlfriend should know this. if she does and is still pushing you for more then she knows she is taking a chance on you. she thinks you're worth it. don't try to deflect your fears onto her. "i'm not willing to ruin her." is she incapable of deciding who is worthy of her affections? are you planning to pimp her out and get her hooked on crack? you're going to ruin her? have some perspective.

Lexie could you ruin me??????

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Previously posted by april-wine
Sounds like he wants to have a girlfriend when he's not got something better to do with his buddies...........

That is absolutely wrong and I actually do take some offense to that comment. I'm taking extra precautions, not to hurt somebody's feelings, trying to do the most unselfish thing I know, and I get reamed for it?

I don't tell her when to come or when to go. If she feels like she wants to be a part of my life, she is absolutely welcome. My friends know and accept her or they just aren't my friends. And trust me, I choose my friends very carefully. I've been burned by a few of those too.

I'm trying to break a pattern here with as little emotional damege as possible. Not get off and be able to "hang with the guys" as well

 

[seXieleXie]

Lexie could you ruin me??????

sure baby. you jus' come on ovah here and i'll get you all situated wif mah hos. 'course i always gotta break in da new girls befo i puts dem on da street.

 

[april-wine]

Point taken Jaymes........I was just refering to your opening paragraph............

I cringe everytime one of my friends calls me up telling about "this new chick" that he met at the bar. Next thing you know, he falls off the face of the Earth for the following three months, never calling anyone, like he's got better things to do now. Yet when he's in shit-house and his new girlfriend's not "givin' it up", he's back at the bar, singing drunken songs about all of "his badass friends" and how "nothing is ever gonna come between us". FUUUCK!
Sorry...I'll get off my soapbox and get back to the actual situation.

I think a little of that is holding you back as well.............

 

[april-wine]

sure baby. you jus' come on ovah here and i'll get you all situated wif mah hos. 'course i always gotta break in da new girls befo i puts dem on da street.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh, Break the new girl in............

 

[JaymesBlond007]

She's 23. But knows about my track record. She belives that since love is an art, it in theory can be learned through experience and practice. While I do agree with this, there is no "lesson plan", if you will, or set of exercises to prescribe, so the best I can do is go in hoping for the best.

While I understand, that everytime you walk into a relationship it's a crap-shoot, I don't believe she's got that one down yet.
And I don't like to be that teacher.

 

[april-wine]

Unfortunately Jaymes, at this point I think she is in for hurt no matter what......She is willing to take the chance, and for whatever reasons you are not.......It's gonna sting.........

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Sounds like both of you are too selfish to become married. Has she been showing you how much she cares about you? More than that, has she shown a willingness to suppress individuality and share with you the decisions and attitudes you choose as a couple?

She is very understanding and sensitive to my needs. But I'm not sure she's ready for marriage. Living together, accepting faults, looking past differences. The word "commitment" is not what people think it is, there's a lot to deal with in that little bugger.

 

[seXieleXie]

well, i guess i have three bits of advice, though i don't know what they're worth.

the first is: let her take a chance on you. even if you don't think you are worth it, she does. let her. don't feel guilty that you aren't perfect. don't feel bad because you can't be her pillar of strength at all times. that's not what a relationship is about, that's what co-dependency is about. "i need her to need me and she just plain needs me" is not a summary of a healthy relationship.

the second is: don't set yourself up to fail. if you go into this relationship believing you aren't good enough and you can't make it work, i can pretty much guarantee that you will be right. people can change. crappy relationships aren't genetic. you are 100% capable of working on your problems together and giving this relationship a fighting chance. now, whether or not you actually want to do this is something only you can know.

the last is: don't rush into marraige, and don't let her push you into it if you are not ready. talk to her, be honest and open like you are with us. tell her that you love her, that you want your relationship to progress to the next step, but also be very clear that you are not ready for marraige. making a commitment like that because you are afraid of losing her will only do disservice to her and to yourself.

 

[Rubyfruit]

[/I]...I'm trying to break a pattern here with as little emotional damege as possible. Not get off and be able to "hang with the guys" as well [/B]

Jaymes, don't do it.

You're too young. She's too young.

Just my opinion, of course.

 

[girl]

First, Jaymes, I commend you for actually *realizing* that you don't think you're ready for a relationship. While I agree with Ruby that you're still young for marriage, I think you're definitely at an age where you should be able to carry on at least a committed relationship. Not necessarily the 'forever' kind, but definitely the 'I'm committed to you' kind.

It sounds to me, from the limited scope you've given us, that you've got a fear of failure, rather than an actual fear of commitment. You're more afraid that you're going to ruin what you have, than you are of the actual commitment itself. I could be offbase, so feel free to tell me if I am.

First, you have to come to the realization that in order to live, you've got to take risks and that includes the risk of a relationship failing. And the best way to keep the relationship from failing is honest and communication along with empathy and really good listening skills. This is something you've got to work out for yourself, in your own time. But you've *got* to work on it, if you want to eventually have a successful committed relationship.

Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want to do...but definitely look inside yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to do it. Because you might surprise yourself.

My .02,
girl, who sees on the preivew that lexie said a whole bunch of great stuff that she completely agrees with!

 

[horny_giraffe]

... don't try to deflect your fears onto her. "i'm not willing to ruin her." is she incapable of deciding who is worthy of her affections? are you planning to pimp her out and get her hooked on crack? you're going to ruin her? have some perspective.

I agree with that, seXieleXie.

JamesBlond007, my Dad used to tell me that the way to deal with women is to treat them like adults, namely: Ask for what you want--and let them worry about what they want.

Speaking for myself, any woman who expects me to "know" what she wants without telling me is acting childish.

As for getting married, JB007, I think it's a question of risk management. How likely is it that your marriage will give you some measure of happiness? Will it be better than being single and alone? Will you find someone else if you lose your current girlfriend? Is she the last girlfriend you are likely to have if you do not get married? Has she given you an ultimatum? How long can you wait?

Life always involves some risks. The key is keep your risks moderate. If you don't risk anything, you gain little. If you take big risks, you are likely to lose big.

 

[JaymesBlond007]

Well? Getting everyone's opinion at the same time has been good...I think. A lot of what everyone said about me I do know. I realize that marriage was definately not in the immidiate future. I just didn't want to get this girls hopes up, and then things just don't work out. I can handle my pain, it's just seeing other people hurt that really get to me

I guess I'm just tying to give her as many chances as possible to think about what she actually wants. I think a relationship would be a nice change for me. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you.


Thank you to everyone but you'll have to excuse me... I have to make a phone call.