virgins?

[gamer9643]

i know you guys are right but what do i do. i know what you have said but how do i truely start. how do i convince myself to try. convince myself to once again to take the risk.

 

[zeb1094]

i know you guys are right but what do i do. i know what you have said but how do i truely start. how do i convince myself to try. convince myself to once again to take the risk.

Do you work? Do you have friends? Get you ass out of the chair and got to the mall, join a church group, volunteer at the local hospital. Anything to meet people.

 

[Norajane]

i know you guys are right but what do i do. i know what you have said but how do i truely start. how do i convince myself to try. convince myself to once again to take the risk.

Do you have a job? That's usually a good place to start to gain confidence in your abilities.

You can get involved in a sport - find a hiking/biking/running/softball/golf/whatever group in your neighborhood, or at the nearest college

Leave your house - you will meet no one there. Go out, go for walks, go to the library, go to coffee shops, bookstores, museums - become a more well-rounded person and you will attract others.

 

[Norajane]

Zeb brings up a really good point about volunteering. You can offer your computer program skills to help all kinds of organizations. Volunteers generally tend to be caring people, too, so you'll meet other nice people as you volunteer.

 

[zeb1094]

Oh, yeah. Sitting around typing word into the computer so they come out here isn't gonna meet you anyone either. So you have to get up and walk out of the room and out the front door and go somewhere else.

Geezzz, I probably sound like your dad! How creepy is that? Wait I am a dad.

 

[gamer9643]

i dont have a jod i dont even have a drivers licence

 

[zeb1094]

i dont have a jod i dont even have a drivers licence

If you live in the city, take the bus. Go get a job. The only way to gain the social skills is to go forth into the world and socialize.

 

[gamer9643]

i couldnt be any more of a country hick unless i worked on a farm and was bonning my sister and so you know i dont have a sister

 

[Norajane]

i dont have a jod i dont even have a drivers licence

Why not?

 

[gamer9643]

well as for the licence it may seem lame but i never really need to go anywhere and when i do my mother drives me. as for the job again mother and grandmother. i'm lazy whatever just dont judge me until you've walked one day in my shoes.

 

[Norajane]

well as for the licence it may seem lame but i never really need to go anywhere and when i do my mother drives me. as for the job again mother and grandmother. i'm lazy whatever just dont judge me until you've walked one day in my shoes.

So, it sounds like you broke your neck at 4, and since then, your family has pretty much molly-coddled you to the point where you are not capable of taking care of yourself, and as a 22 year old man, you are as helpless and reliant upon them as you were at 4.

It's time for you to stand on your own two feet. Get a drivers license. Get a job. And start going to a therapist, if you aren't already.

 

[gamer9643]

i thought i asked you not to judge.

 

[BlackShanglan]

i thought i asked you not to judge.

Judgement is the beginning of all thought. If you want help, you've got to be willing to accept that (1) Some of the things you're doing now are not ideal and (2) You can and must change them.

I'd work on that driving license first. Absent that, get yourself a bicycle. That will get you out of the house cheaply and without gas bills.

If you're stuck at the house, work with that. What can you do in it or around it that will allow you say, at day's end, "Hey! Look what I did!"

Paint a room.
Cook a meal.
Wash the windows.
Sweep the walk.
Rake the leaves.
Clean the gutters.
Vacuum the floors.

The more you start acting like an adult, the more you can be expected to be treated as one. At the moment, however, it sounds like you're in a very long-drawn-out childhood. Start asking something of yourself, even if no one else is asking much of you.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

At the moment, however, it sounds like you're in a very long-drawn-out childhood.

this is what happens in the absence of rites of passage and initiation in our culture... women have it a little better... at least our bodies give us signs and signals that we are maturing... that mark our "passages" in some way (menarche/menopause)... but still, without ritual, and most importantly, elders, they are nearly meaningless...

and so we have a lost young man looking for guidance... on an Internet porn board...

the good news, gamer, is that the universe is throwing an elder in your path right now ... are you going to listen to the wisdom or not?

Your choice. It always is.

 

[BlackShanglan]

this is what happens in the absence of rites of passage and initiation in our culture... women have it a little better... at least our bodies give us signs and signals that we are maturing... that mark our "passages" in some way (menarche/menopause)... but still, without ritual, and most importantly, elders, they are nearly meaningless...

Hmmm. I'm not so sure that our culture lacks rites of passage. Certainly mine had both educational ones (graduating middle and high school) and social ones (18th birthday, religious ceremonies of first Eucharist and confirmation). Then there's getting one's driver's license as well. There were a number of points when I felt that I had quite distinctly stepped on to the next level of maturity. Elders were present at all of those as well, whether teachers, church leaders, my parents, or some combination of them.

What other rights and initiations did you have in mind? Or do you feel that the ones that exist aren't being applied or enacted properly?

 

[Svenskaflicka]

well as for the licence it may seem lame but i never really need to go anywhere and when i do my mother drives me. as for the job again mother and grandmother. i'm lazy whatever just dont judge me until you've walked one day in my shoes.

Oh, don't listen to them! You're unemployed, you have no driver's license, and from what you tell us yourself you're lazy and live off your mother and grandmother.

I'm sure there are lots of girls who'd be glad to go out with you and have sex with you. Just Google up "fetish".

 

[Selena_Kitt]

What other rights and initiations did you have in mind? Or do you feel that the ones that exist aren't being applied or enacted properly?

They have no "bite" to them, as severusmax said in another thread...

as for what other rites and initiations, we would have to restructure our whole damned culture to do it... unfortunately... at least, to do it on a mass level...

but they are still happening... some rites of passage have returned (blessingways for expectant mothers are becoming popular, and "croning" ceremonies at menopause and first moon rituals for girls at menarche are coming back) but for the masculine, there needs to be a much deeper challenge and severity to the act... I doubt our culture would allow the elders to drag the boys away from their mothers... and we are such a motherbound culture... *sigh*

but you know, uninitiated youth are attempting to initiation themselves.... tattoos, gangs, it's all a part of that longing in the adolescent... they want it, they just aren't sure exactly what it is they want... or how to get it...

 

[Norajane]

i thought i asked you not to judge.

You did, however, I will never be able to walk a day in your shoes because I spent my childhood taking care of my parents, not the other way around.

You have to be willing to take a good, hard look at yourself and where you are today, and where you want to be in the future - even if that look is unpalatable. If you don't want to take any responsibility for the situation you find yourself in, then you aren't likely to take any responsibility in changing your circumstances.

Bottom line: your mother and your grandmother won't be there to take care of you forever. Now is the time to start the process of taking care of yourself. You will feel MUCH better about yourself when you do!

Bottom line: you're never going to get laid if you wait for your mother and grandmother to set that up for you.

 

[entitled]

Scuse me while i quote myself a couple of times here:

Step one: Get off your tuches and do something!
Step two: Meet people as a result of doing step one.
Step three: Find new interests (also result of step one).
Step four: Refuse to let everything be done for you. Very important step!
Step five: Revel in the knowledge that you did something for yourself.
Step six: Lather, rinse, repeat. Without the lather and rinse parts.

Nobody said it had to be out of the house. Hell, i grew up literally 20 miles from anywhere - from the school, from the nearest grocery store, from the nearest gas station... The nearest neighbor was 6 miles down the road. It does no good to try to feed me some line of bullshit about being a hick stopping you from doing anything.

Suggestion: Get away from the parents.

Go anywhere. Start applying to places like McDonald's if nothing else, find a cheap apartment somewhere in the nearest town if you're too afraid to let go of the apron strings and actually get further away than that. Then you'll have a job, and a place to meet people. Make yourself grow up. They don't need to be changing your dirty diapers anymore, though they'll continue to do as much as long as you're too lazy to show them you don't need it anymore, and that you're tired of them waiting on you hand and foot. Or are you, really?

Now to quote you, o great and wise gamer:

well as for the licence it may seem lame but i never really need to go anywhere and when i do my mother drives me. as for the job again mother and grandmother. i'm lazy whatever just dont judge me until you've walked one day in my shoes.

Yes, that's lame. Yes, you DO need to go somewhere. Anywhere. Do something with your life instead of whine about how bad you've got it because somebody takes care of you.

Oh, and fyi, i don't WANT to walk a day in your shoes. i don't want to be somebody's useless, whining child. i didn't want that when i was a child myself, so made myself useful.

Now why don't you walk in somebody else's shoes? Why don't you put yourself in the place of one of these wonderful people who have been trying to help, sharing their personal experiences and telling you how they got there? Each and every one of these people (and equine) has led a full life. They've pulled themselves up from less than what you've got at least once, and have come out on top. Now they're offering you advice and help, only to have it refused because you would rather sit there instead of taking charge and doing something.

Equine and Feline have been talking about rites of passage - consider that one to be yours. It's a personal challenge. Get out there and get it done.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Equine and Feline

Ha! *smile*
good one

 

[entitled]

Ha! *smile*
good one

i call em as i see em.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Honey,
People are giving you tremendous advice. I know it's hard to change, but I guarantee you that if you don't, you'll be complaining on some message board at age 44. The good news is that they make movies about 44 year old virgins.

I have great sympathy for you -- not just because of the accident, but because of the shyness. But the last thing you need is for someone else in your life to mollycoddle you. Your mother and grandmother must have been terrified when you were hurt, vowing to spoil you rotten if you lived, but at some point they needed to stop for your own emotional welfare.

You ask that we walk a mile in your shoes without judging, but what adulthood teaches you is that most people have tragedy and pain in their past. You don't know what the people who've given you advice have suffered, and perhaps, if you did know, you wouldn't want to change places with them. Just because people don't walk around with signs proclaiming their deepest wounds does not mean they don't exist.

I'll confess something to you. I rarely drive. I have a phobia. Life is a lot easier when you do drive, but the lack of a license is no reason to say you can't have a life or job. There were years where I waited at a busstop in all sorts of weather to get to work. There was a several month period where I walked 3 miles to work each way in the Detroit area -- after dark. For a while this winter, my husband and I did not have a vehicle, and we live in Northern MN, so hello, freezing temps and lots of snow. But I needed and need my various jobs and did what I had to in order to keep them.

It's tough to do the hard thing, and it's tough to get out of the rut, but 10 years from now -- when you're in the same place -- you'll wish that you'd done the tough stuff.

Self-pity, while we all indulge in it, gets you nowhere. If being in the same place is the source of your pain, why indulge in behavior and thoughts which keep you in that same place?

 

[Pure]

there's all kinds of good advice for mr. gamer--the current thread topic--such as, get out, get a job, do things. yet i would hesitate to say this is what he *should* do.

it all depends on what he wants for himself in life. if he *wants* to play video games and reflect on life's misery, that's his choice. his parents, it seems, will provide the food and shelter he needs. that arrangement, in some way, suits all parties. it's not up to an outsider to say, 'your life would be a better one if you played softball and wrote erotica.'

 

[Norajane]

there's all kinds of good advice for mr. gamer--the current thread topic--such as, get out, get a job, do things. yet i would hesitate to say this is what he *should* do.

it all depends on what he wants for himself in life. if he *wants* to play video games and reflect on life's misery, that's his choice. his parents, it seems, will provide the food and shelter he needs. that arrangement, in some way, suits all parties. it's not up to an outsider to say, 'your life would be a better one if you played softball and wrote erotica.'

yes, but he wants to get laid....that can't happen if he never leaves the house

 

[entitled]

yes, but he wants to get laid....that can't happen if he never leaves the house

Sure it will. He can just wait until he's dead, then get laid in the coffin.

*snickers, ducks n runs*