Chain Story - Bathtubs and Broomsticks

[AlinaX]

Some interesting choices, and well written keeping a sense of gothic mystery.

(I suspect Canary Wharf would be out of their price range, unless Lucy’s doing really well in her new career.)

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Okay people! I copied my first draft in the file, it's about 7200 words. I have some ideas on how to flesh it out more, I put my comments about it at the very end. Please take a look, especially @AlinaX but everyone else too - I'm sorry I wasn't involved in earlier chapters.

I've lost where to find our drafts. Help! Where are they?

 

[Omenainen]

I've lost where to find our drafts. Help! Where are they?

The document that Alina shared on Google docs! Where mysterious Lizzette invaded your draft, remember?

 

[Omenainen]

Some interesting choices, and well written keeping a sense of gothic mystery.

So this doesn’t sound like “I hated it and if you end my story like this I will hunt you down and end you?" Excellent.

(I suspect Canary Wharf would be out of their price range, unless Lucy’s doing really well in her new career.)

Is there some other neighborhood that would be more suitable? It’s an exaggeration on Mina’s part, they already are on an island which should bring her peace of mind, but paranoias are hard to placate.

Anything you wanted to add?

 

[Erozetta]

.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

The document that Alina shared on Google docs! Where mysterious Lizzette invaded your draft, remember?

Yes. That's where I can't find it. My laptop reset itself a couple of weeks ago; that might be the problem. I only find much older files. I'll keep looking.

 

[Omenainen]

Yes. That's where I can't find it. My laptop reset itself a couple of weeks ago; that might be the problem. I only find much older files. I'll keep looking.

Do you see “shared with me”? It should be listed there. Or maybe you still have the email notification from when Alina shared it.

The document is called Bathtubs and Broomsticks

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Do you see “shared with me”? It should be listed there. Or maybe you still have the email notification from when Alina shared it.

The document is called Bathtubs and Broomsticks

Yes, I know the name. I'm going to try a restore point to see if I can get back to it.

 

[Erozetta]

Yes, I know the name. I'm going to try a restore point to see if I can get back to it.

Hang on I'll see if I can get you a new link. It's not saved locally in your computer, so a restore point won't do anything.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Hang on I'll see if I can get you a new link. It's not saved locally in your computer, so a restore point won't do anything.

It's okay. I've found it now. For some reason the link to docs only brought me to files from two years ago. I reset the whole computer, and the docs is up to date now. Thanks for your help.

 

[AlinaX]

So this doesn’t sound like “I hated it and if you end my story like this I will hunt you down and end you?" Excellent.

Anything you wanted to add?

We deliberately left the supernatural element of the story as ambiguous, which has at times been a little frustrating for all of us but I do think it has worked. Given that this is fundamentally a vampire/Bathory story, I would not like to pull a bait-and-switch and say, "Supernatural, but actually demon not vampires," but I think there's enough of a common thread to suggest that whatever else might be going on, Mircalla is quite possibly a vampire at the end.

I think I would like Mircalla to be a little more playful at the end. You could create the impression that actually Mircalla wants Lucy to be there with her, but she's too distrustful of what that would mean. If that is what you were going for, I didn't get that impression. Mircalla seems cold at the end, when I would have preferred Lucy to catch a glimpse of fear and vulnerability.

As for Anna... In my mythology, she's a witch cursed with immortality, someone with the ability to make wishes come true. Not "I wish..." wishes so much as ambitions. Adamir craves recognition of his genius, Mircalla craves success as an actor, Lucy craves success as a movie critic, Mina wishes for Lucy to be gay, Vladan wishes to fuck Mircalla, and Anna herself misses her sister who died all those years ago at Cachtice and whose spirit still lingers there restlessly.

The idea that Anna has only been around for a couple of films... I don't know. Erozetta had Lucy figure out that all the disappearances started after Vuk/Wolf joined the crew. Surely she would have questioned Adamir's stated history with Anna. So perhaps instead of a shape- and gender-changing Anna, you could have an Anna who never appears to age, is rarely glimpsed over the years, has very unclear origins, and in the photos you do have her tattoos do seem to change.

 

[Omenainen]

We deliberately left the supernatural element of the story as ambiguous, which has at times been a little frustrating for all of us but I do think it has worked. Given that this is fundamentally a vampire/Bathory story, I would not like to pull a bait-and-switch and say, "Supernatural, but actually demon not vampires," but I think there's enough of a common thread to suggest that whatever else might be going on, Mircalla is quite possibly a vampire at the end.

I don’t see it as bait and switch, more like yes, and.

If they were just vampires all along, why didn’t they do a vampire film before this one? Or only vampire movies? What’s with all the disappearances? To me it feels like this Bathory incident is just a part of a bigger story.

I think I would like Mircalla to be a little more playful at the end. You could create the impression that actually Mircalla wants Lucy to be there with her, but she's too distrustful of what that would mean. If that is what you were going for, I didn't get that impression. Mircalla seems cold at the end, when I would have preferred Lucy to catch a glimpse of fear and vulnerability.

No, I was going for cold. Lucy had a crush on her but I didn’t see it being reciprocal. If we add a scene at the film festival where the film is viewed/discussed, that could be from Mircalla’s PoV and give more insight to where she is at now, if we want to explore that.

As for Anna... In my mythology, she's a witch cursed with immortality, someone with the ability to make wishes come true. Not "I wish..." wishes so much as ambitions. Adamir craves recognition of his genius, Mircalla craves success as an actor, Lucy craves success as a movie critic, Mina wishes for Lucy to be gay, Vladan wishes to fuck Mircalla, and Anna herself misses her sister who died all those years ago at Cachtice and whose spirit still lingers there restlessly.

This is a good way of phrasing it. Immortal witch who can change shape, shapeshifting demon, what’s the difference for a casual observer?

The idea that Anna has only been around for a couple of films... I don't know. Erozetta had Lucy figure out that all the disappearances started after Vuk/Wolf joined the crew. Surely she would have questioned Adamir's stated history with Anna. So perhaps instead of a shape- and gender-changing Anna, you could have an Anna who never appears to age, is rarely glimpsed over the years, has very unclear origins, and in the photos you do have her tattoos do seem to change.

My idea is that Anna had been around, but not under the same name, and not always credited or included on the screen. (This probably needs expanding in what I’ve written now.) Being immortal and able to shape change probably makes one good at assuming different identities. My idea was that Lucy has stopped believing what data official sources (mostly the film studio backing Adamir) give, and is trying to discover what is true, but she has no resources and no access to many official databases or anything and then there’s the language barrier, so all she has to go on is shady internet theories and her own imagination.

I think this approach still leaves it wide open to all kinds of “editor’s cut” spin offs or whatever shenigans Adamir might be up to next, if anyone wants to expand this further.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Finished reading it. The piece is well written, only a few stylistic/usage suggestions that I won't make. I do, however, find the whole 'possible serial killer' section distracting from the story, with no apparent necessity for it to be there, and more so since it seems to resolve itself so trivially. I'm also a tad uncomfortable with the section that follows it: this seems far more a narrator's extended reflection on things than thoughts of our protagonist.

 

[Omenainen]

Finished reading it. The piece is well written, only a few stylistic/usage suggestions that I won't make. I do, however, find the whole 'possible serial killer' section distracting from the story, with no apparent necessity for it to be there, and more so since it seems to resolve itself so trivially. I'm also a tad uncomfortable with the section that follows it: this seems far more a narrator's extended reflection on things than thoughts of our protagonist.

If you’re referring my notes after “the end”, they won’t be in the story, they’re just there for discussion with you guys

 

[AlinaX]

I don’t see it as bait and switch, more like yes, and.

If they were just vampires all along, why didn’t they do a vampire film before this one? Or only vampire movies? What’s with all the disappearances? To me it feels like this Bathory incident is just a part of a bigger story.

I'm fine with all that.

No, I was going for cold. Lucy had a crush on her but I didn’t see it being reciprocal. If we add a scene at the film festival where the film is viewed/discussed, that could be from Mircalla’s PoV and give more insight to where she is at now, if we want to explore that.

Okay.

This is a good way of phrasing it. Immortal witch who can change shape, shapeshifting demon, what’s the difference for a casual observer?

My idea is that Anna had been around, but not under the same name, and not always credited or included on the screen. (This probably needs expanding in what I’ve written now.) Being immortal and able to shape change probably makes one good at assuming different identities. My idea was that Lucy has stopped believing what data official sources (mostly the film studio backing Adamir) give, and is trying to discover what is true, but she has no resources and no access to many official databases or anything and then there’s the language barrier, so all she has to go on is shady internet theories and her own imagination.

I think this approach still leaves it wide open to all kinds of “editor’s cut” spin offs or whatever shenigans Adamir might be up to next, if anyone wants to expand this further.

I think there are two key contradictions here that need to be handled carefully.
If Anna is a shapechanger who has been around for a long time, then you end up identifying a number of apparently very different people who share some unlikely characteristic, e.g., red hair and tattoos, and perhaps this Hungarian website has dozens of photos and speculation tying these people together as the same person or as some shadowy cult.

If Anna is cursed with immortality but is not a shapechanger, then it is her unchanging aspect that becomes the point of intrigue. Here is Anna, a key part of Adamir's entourage, maybe even one or two bit parts in the movies, but how old is Adamir, and how old therefore must Anna be, yet she never seems to age. The Hungarian website has even identified people who, on paper, are entirely different people, and yet, strip away the clothing and their similarity to Anna is uncanny.

Or a third way to play it is that Anna is trans and human and in the earlier films you see her sometimes pre-transition - but then it doesn't make much sense to focus on changing tattoos. The Hungarian website could, perhaps, have a page dedicated to Anna's fugitive and criminally insane twin sister...

And it's not that I'm telling you to choose one explanation over the others. Go with Anna the shape-changing demon if you like. (If Adamir sold his soul, has it really taken him thirteen years to understand the cost in terms of disappearances? He seems innocent/ignorant of them in the previous chapters, but perhaps that was an act?) I just feel that making 'Anna' a relatively recent addition to the crew is a difficult thing to reconcile with previous chapters without a lot of exposition.

Anyway, that's one; the second is the paperwork / online data. You're right that this can be untrustworthy, and maybe this just needs to be more explicit.

 

[AlinaX]

I do, however, find the whole 'possible serial killer' section distracting from the story, with no apparent necessity for it to be there, and more so since it seems to resolve itself so trivially.

It has never been resolved. It would be good to face it head-on. I had Anna deflect with Vladan still being alive, although off-camera. I'm guessing Vladan and Valeska being fakes on the Hungarian website is implying that evidence for Vladan's continuing existence is faked, but I'm uncertain who that was supposed to convince. It would have been far more entertaining to have a newspaper headline saying Betrayed Bride's Bloody Revenge with a picture of Valeska and Vladan at their wedding, and a second photo of Valeska, in handcuffs, with blood-stained lips...

ETA:

"Vladan wanted to get away from here," Anna had said. "Apparently the pair of them had a major drinking session in Bratislava. Vladan was still there - and still very drunk - when Valeska tracked him down yesterday." All of which was true, as far as Lucy had been able to determine. What Anna had neglected to mention, however, was that Valeska had done far worse than track him down. In what the newspapers described as a fit of blind rage, she had taken a knife to his throat and kissed him savagely as he died in her arms. Betrayed Bride's Bloody Revenge, read the headline, a picture of Valeska and Vladan at their wedding beneath, and a second photo of Valeska, in handcuffs, with blood-stained lips...

 

[Tio_Narratore]

I had seen the story as Lucy's - her finding herself sexually and as a critic with the opportunity to scoop Adamir and his film in progress, perhaps with the realization that he works beyond mere method acting; he, the whole crew, and the actors all live their parts. I think Mircalla should be the only truly ambiguous character as to whether she really is a vampire or is just living the part completely. I still find turning her into an investigative crime reporter takes away from the tale as does setting up more potentially supernatural beings. Adamir and Anna and all are far better as humans caught up in the art.

That said, I had also hoped to see a return to London where Lucy and Mina could start a life together, Lucy would get her recognition as a film critic, Charlie would get a treat for having given her the opportunity (I think he's been treated badly by my fellow writers, but I can live with it), and Richard would get a good comeuppance. I'm willing to write that chapter/epilogue, if others are interested.

 

[AlinaX]

Omenainen's 18 Months Later approach does seem to invite a chapter for Lucy's homecoming and a chapter for Mircalla too.

A Mircalla chapter would probably have to commit to the vampire theme.

 

[Omenainen]

Good points, let me think

I think there are two key contradictions here that need to be handled carefully.
If Anna is a shapechanger who has been around for a long time, then you end up identifying a number of apparently very different people who share some unlikely characteristic, e.g., red hair and tattoos, and perhaps this Hungarian website has dozens of photos and speculation tying these people together as the same person or as some shadowy cult.

If Anna is cursed with immortality but is not a shapechanger, then it is her unchanging aspect that becomes the point of intrigue. Here is Anna, a key part of Adamir's entourage, maybe even one or two bit parts in the movies, but how old is Adamir, and how old therefore must Anna be, yet she never seems to age. The Hungarian website has even identified people who, on paper, are entirely different people, and yet, strip away the clothing and their similarity to Anna is uncanny.

Yes, I'll have to think through what there could be on the site and how things really are. I had originally thought that Lucy falls into rabbit hole of Adamir-related rumors, and Mina is doubtful, and that's why it made sense for there to be different-looking people who Lucy was convinced were all Anna and Mina to be like mm-kay, but how it ended up was that Mina wasn't that hard to convince that there's something weird going on, even if she doesn't buy into the theories on detail level. Then again, having Anna be on all the sets is no news, because Adamir already told Lucy that Anna had been with him since the beginning, so it has no shock value whatsoever. I'll make it make sense.

My thought process about the transformations is roughly that if Anna originally tinkered enough to change certain aspects of her physiology, surely by now she would have become more skillful. But, I might have been influenced by AMD's latest (plug). Plus I fell into my own "well it's a shape-shifter" and forgot the witch part.

But, I will go through it and make it more consistent.

Or a third way to play it is that Anna is trans and human and in the earlier films you see her sometimes pre-transition - but then it doesn't make much sense to focus on changing tattoos. The Hungarian website could, perhaps, have a page dedicated to Anna's fugitive and criminally insane twin sister...

No, no. If Anna is yet another human then who's the evil?

And it's not that I'm telling you to choose one explanation over the others. Go with Anna the shape-changing demon if you like. (If Adamir sold his soul, has it really taken him thirteen years to understand the cost in terms of disappearances? He seems innocent/ignorant of them in the previous chapters, but perhaps that was an act?) I just feel that making 'Anna' a relatively recent addition to the crew is a difficult thing to reconcile with previous chapters without a lot of exposition.

Yeah, Anna is not a recent addition, that's for certain.

Anyway, that's one; the second is the paperwork / online data. You're right that this can be untrustworthy, and maybe this just needs to be more explicit.

I'll put a little more detail into it.

If nobody wants to plug in additional scenes, I might add one or two myself, and then I'll copy draft number two into the file. I'll let you know then.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Omenainen's 18 Months Later approach does seem to invite a chapter for Lucy's homecoming and a chapter for Mircalla too.

A Mircalla chapter would probably have to commit to the vampire theme.

18 months later is too long. Adamir gives permission for Lucy's article while they're still filming, but with no location or other details until after the film's released. She returns with Mina when the filming is finished and is well received for her already-published article. Mircalla continues ambiguously, having found in herself a rise o greatness in acting and is in demand by more directors than Adamir. It's unclear whether she is a vampire, has become one through possession by the spirit of Ersebet, or is just a human who found inspiration in the role for Adamir.

 

[AlinaX]

Why don't you write Lucy's homecoming, keeping O's epilogue in mind.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Why don't you write Lucy's homecoming, keeping O's epilogue in mind.

I'll see about it after a reread.

 

[Omenainen]

I don't know if I made it any better but I'd just love to get this out of my hands. Would you guys prefer my chapter to be called Denouement or is Epilogue better? I'll still use number 7 or what?

 

[AlinaX]

Epilogue works better, I think.
I'm tempted to add in a Ch. 6.5 afterwards about Mircalla, however.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

And I'm still interested in a homecoming if it fits.