Ugh. Relationship troubles.

[Adorah]

I've been dating a man for a while now. However, I haven't really been feeling the love lately.
Occasionally he has "nervous breakdowns", as he calls them, during which he freaks out and feels insecure about everything. Well, He recently had a "nervous breakdown" and he said some vicious things to me, which include him basically telling me I'm "middle class" (just average looking) and he's settling for me and he may be getting bored and he doesn't think he cares for me as much as he should and he thinks it would be best if we took a break because he doesn't want to hurt me blahblahblah. I cried. He cried.
This was all triggered by an incident that happened a day or two before: I missed the majority of a concert I really wanted to see because he was feeling sick so I, being a good girlfriend, sat outside with him (and even picked him flowers!) Of course, a blond with hardly any clothing on walks by and the boyfriend of mine just felt like he had to express to me exactly how hot she was. I was distant with him afterwards, and that triggered his nervous breakdown.
Anyway, I tried to end it with him afterwards, and he cried and said he loves me so much and he was stoned that night and he didn't know what he was saying...
We are still together to this day. But the thing is, I feel like I'm "settling" for him. I'm not very attracted to him, I wouldn't look twice at him on the street, and he has a knack for saying things that imply he doesn't care about me.
For example, during a recent phone convo, he said very lovingly.."I wish you were here..........I really need to get a load off." and he frequently asks "so when am I gonna get some?" And he also doesn't see anything wrong with him talking about other girls (to me)and how sexy they are. He really hurts me when he does these things. But then, on another day, he will say the sweetest things and he seems like such a good boyfriend.

I'm wondering, should I just end it with him, and find someone better?

 

[naamplao]

I'm wondering, should I just end it with him, and find someone better?

Wondering?? I think you can do a lot better than him...what is he giving you besides "loving words"....when he wants "some".

 

[M's girl]

The answer is yes....

 

[DivineAngel]

you will never be happy with him.
Is it nice to have someone there, sure is, but is it grounds to keep up the relationship ? I would say no. I personally think the only reason you are with him is because it is the easy solution, normally those wont end up giving you what you need.

Do not settle for a guy who doesn't think you are queen of his univers, and him the king of yours. Sure that can be hard to find, but at the very least find someone who makes you smile when you think about him and makes you feel loved.

I had a guy along the lines of what you just described and he is most likely putting you down to feel better about himself. The thruth is that he wants to be the center of attention and if that means making you upset or hurt he will do that. He will then excuse it with his nervous breakdowns.

But comeon girl, he is NOT your responcibility, you are your responcibility and if you are not as happy as you could be then you are in the wrong place.

The days with the sweet talks, is just a tool to keep you thru the nasty days.
IMO do not settle for a guy who doesn't care enough for you to treat you with respect and love.

anyways just my 2 cent. Hope you find the one

 

[rgraham666]

Tell him goodbye.

The man's an ass. And it sounds like he's in serious need of therapy.

 

[jerseyman1963]

Short answer: yes. He sounds very, very young, with a lot of growing up to do. Read your post back to yourself and pretend it's a friend talking to you, and if you can forget your own emotional involvement for a moment and get a little objectivity, I think you'll see clearly that you desire a relationship slightly more mature than he is capable of at this time. Doesn't make either one of you good or bad people. Just people with different wants, needs and states of readiness at this time, and therefore not a great couple. Don't stay stuck in this rut. Have the courage to move on. You'll both be better for it in the long run, or at least you will.

 

[EJFan]

it seems pretty simple to me... you're not attracted to him, he's not attracted to you... it sounds like it's over as far as "love" is concerned. it sounds like you both might care about one another so maybe what you should be is friends.

 

[buxxxom]

You've gotten some sound advice. The concensus is that you should consider it over. I agree.

 

[Adorah]

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate your advice.

...I'm just afraid of regret, I suppose.
If he truly does care for me, I don't want to hurt him.
He only treats me badly during his nervous breakdowns.
On his good days, He's always telling me how much he loves me, How beautiful I am, How lucky he is...
And he is always, always protective of me. Which I love.
But then his actions do not always convey that message.
I don't know. Ladies, does the man in your life ever act like him?
This is my first long relationship, and I'm not entirely sure what is normal and what is not.

 

[EJFan]

i don't know the guy so i can't psychoanalyze him and i don't suspect anyone here can.

one thing i can tell you is that sentences like "he only treats me badly when..." are uttered by every physically & emotionally abused woman on earth. if he doesn't treat you with respect ALL the time then he's not someone you want to have a relationship with. if you're protective of one another and care about each other's feelings (at least some of the time) then it sounds like maybe you can salvage a friendship... it sure as hell doesn't sound like either of you need or want the other in a serious relationship.

pardon me if this sounds rude but are you looking for validation or some kind of reason to stick with this guy? it happens a lot here so that's why i ask... i don't mean to be inconsiderate of your feelings. you got a lot of great answers and advice and no one is indicating any reason to stick with him... but you're still looking for a reason to. save yourself a bigger heartache and ditch him (romantically at least).

 

[christabelll]

I know from my posts elsewhere you would think this is not for me...
BUt my ex husband was like this, almost exactly like this....right down to kicking onthe good girlfriend /maternal instinct feeling at the drop of tear or stomach cramp.
In the beginning it was awesome as sweet and hot and wow this guy is a dream... there were signs of future behavior... blind bat me... but as soon as he got me "legally" it shifted to you don't do enough for me. I want to sleep with other women cuz you just can't satisfy me... to wow I know you just had two kids back to back but jeese honey how come you are so fat?" Gradually it became physical as well backing me into corners, pinning in my chair, forcing me to have sex when I couldn't stop him etc.

It took me 6 years to gather the courage to take my kids and run.

Now I am not saying this could be your eventual course.

BUt this on and gain off again..... I love you but.... isn't worth it.

Unless you like this I mean...

I know its hard to leave what is familiar and known. But you deserve better.

 

[Disrupted]

... On his good days, He's always telling me how much he loves me, How beautiful I am, How lucky he is...
And he is always, always protective of me. Which I love.
But then his actions do not always convey that message. ...

I am inclined to think this summarizes your case, in that his behavior towards you is conditional and depends on how he is feeling.

I might be mistaken, but he appears to be trying to avoid taking responsibility when upsetting you by pretending to be a "victim" of sorts during moments where the relationship is heading downhill and may be in danger of being ended.

I need not express my outrage from reading the part about him referring to you as "middle class" and the like, supposedly settling for you. If that message did not scream of false superiority, it at least reeks of false pity, placing you below him and/or keeping his ego secure.

As a likely irrelevant question--has he even acknowledged some of the things that you have done for him, such as sacrificing most of a concert to be with him?

Be it a lengthy relationship or not, know that you always have the right to express yourself. Furthermore, you certainly have the right to halt the situation should you feel it is best to do so.

Take care, and may everything work out for you.

 

[KokopelliRises]

one thing i can tell you is that sentences like "he only treats me badly when..." are uttered by every physically & emotionally abused woman on earth.

This is the first thing I thought of when I read the original post. You are at a point in the relationship (if I'm reading this right) that you could reasonably break it off with him and you should. This kind of behavior will become abusive, probably physically as well as emotionally (which I'm sensing it already is). Get out while you still can.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm wondering, should I just end it with him, and find someone better?

I think that if you're asking this, you already know the answer.

Re-read your post as if you're looking to give yourself (or a good friend) advice. Does that sound like a good relationship or boyfriend to you? Would you tell a friend to settle for someone they didn't really like, was emotionally unstable, said and did those things he's done?

Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate your advice.

...I'm just afraid of regret, I suppose.
If he truly does care for me, I don't want to hurt him.
He only treats me badly during his nervous breakdowns.
On his good days, He's always telling me how much he loves me, How beautiful I am, How lucky he is...
And he is always, always protective of me. Which I love.
But then his actions do not always convey that message.
I don't know. Ladies, does the man in your life ever act like him?
This is my first long relationship, and I'm not entirely sure what is normal and what is not.

IF he truly does care for you??? I can tell you that that's not something you should be questioning when you're in a good relationship, and since you are questioning it, it's likely not the type of relationship you want to be in.

And, no, no man I've ever been in a relationship has acted like this guy. In all honesty, in 8+ years, my husband has said some hurtful things in the heat of big fights, but I can count the number of times on one hand with fingers to spare. And, at the end of the day, I KNOW he loves, respects me and doesn't truly believe what he said after the moment has passed.

The bottom line is that you can do better. A LOT better.

 

[Adorah]

Gah, I love you guys.

Thank you so much. I believe I know what to do now.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

Gah, I love you guys.

Thank you so much. I believe I know what to do now.

You just made ME smile!

Good luck with your NEW future and your future loves! If I had a nickel for every girl I've liked who only had eyes for assholes and stayed with them, I'd be...be...uhh...

$1.35 richer....

 

[jerseyman1963]

Gah, I love you guys.

Thank you so much. I believe I know what to do now.

And what that in mind, this being your first long term relationship, you're just going to have to trust us when we say that in time, you will see that this relationship was good for a while, and then it wasn't, and when it wasn't, you got out and moved on to look for something better, before it became really destructive to you. Bravo. We learn life's most important lessons from experience, and not all those life experiences are easy or great to go through. But this one was important. It will save you a lot of trouble and angst in the future, and help you steer clear of the knuckleheads who aren't ready for or capable of being with a real woman, and ultimately help you find one who is. I'm sure this isn't easy for you, but bravo. You're on the right track.

 

[Adorah]

Just an update-

I did end it with him.
And furthermore, I have a few other men interested at the moment,
So it all works out.

Thanks again everyone for letting me see that not-so-wonderful situation clearly.

 

[Monazwx]

I'm glad that it worked out for you. Despite the fact you have guys that are interested, don't rush into anything. Take your time.

And he is always, always protective of me. Which I love.

This is really the warning sign. You want a man that will treat you well, but the controlling trait(s) is when the relationship takes a turn for the worse. Take note of it in future relationships.