To Ghost or To Be Ghosted, that is the question?

[AnnieLit]

One more sad story is a woman I've met in a munch who draw her profile off after being ghosted FOUR times - 4 different men planning a real life date, but never showing up.

Apparently for those men the sexy chat was enough, they never intended to meet her despite saying so.

Sadly, this is a VERY common story, in both directions, people get stood up no matter what their gender is.

Sexy chat is not really enough for them, but they are most likely married and don't consider chatting to be a form of cheating. They can allow themselves to *dream* about taking it to the real life, and often even believe in these dreams to some degree, but when called on it, they pull back. Eventually they might step out of the comfort of the screen and meet somebody in person. Or not. There is no way to predict this.

Stating right off the bat that you are not interested in online only and asking for a coffee date after just a few chats helps a bit if you are a woman. She is not really invested yet, neither is he, so he is more likely to tell her that it is not going to happen. For men, unfortunately, it's not going to work because it will sound too pushy and will scare away even those women that actually were inclined to meet.

 

[RuneBlade]

I have been accused of ghosting people.
Sorry y'all, but I don't think I was totally in the wrong.
One man I feel worst about was because I didn't have the time to devote enough attention to him. I told him that flat out.
I liked him, but with my other higher priorities, I could not have a thing with him. I would chat if we were both on at the same time. But he wanted a little more from me.

I think you're in the clear on this one. If you communicated about why you didn't want to continue the interaction, that's not ghosting. That's just being candid, which is a good thing, not a bad thing.

they explained a little. I told them I figured they had reasons and no need to hash out the past. I wouldn't go search someone's house if they didn't show up to a meet up I'm the same irl. Obviously something happened they felt the need to not be there. Can it be a sucky feeling? Yes. Can I control the world? No.
I mean I'd do the same if I felt it was necessary. How could I hold it against them.
I think we were back in contact 2 years before I got most of the story.
In a way I guess it's a relief to think if someone doesn't want to be in contact, they won't be. And when they are I know they do?

This is guru-level emotional intelligence and a great perspective. Thanks for putting it out there.

 

[Fibella]

This is guru-level emotional intelligence and a great perspective. Thanks for putting it out there.

Praise instead of pitchforks. This site still surprises me. Thanks ️

 

[Fibella]

Sadly, this is a VERY common story, in both directions, people get stood up no matter what their gender is.

Sexy chat is not really enough for them, but they are most likely married and don't consider chatting to be a form of cheating. They can allow themselves to *dream* about taking it to the real life, and often even believe in these dreams to some degree, but when called on it, they pull back. Eventually they might step out of the comfort of the screen and meet somebody in person. Or not. There is no way to predict this.

Stating right off the bat that you are not interested in online only and asking for a coffee date after just a few chats helps a bit if you are a woman. She is not really invested yet, neither is he, so he is more likely to tell her that it is not going to happen. For men, unfortunately, it's not going to work because it will sound too pushy and will scare away even those women that actually were inclined to meet.

Even unattached I tell people quite early on that meeting would be a fantasy and not something I have the guts to do.
Because you do end up eventually talking about what you'd do if you met. Even if it's just "omg this restaurant was so good I wish I could take you there". It isn't even always a sexual fantasy.
But then you might have seen above I follow the path of brutally honest and open. I'm not a chatter who will set up a meeting (don't pm me there will never be a meeting) and realise I'm nothing like I've presented myself and have a panic.

 

[AnnieLit]

not something I have the guts to do.

Why not?? Not in an abandoned warehouse, but why not meet them for coffee, or in a popular park, or take them to that restaurant you liked? You don't have to go to bed with them, but why not meet? And even you do end up in a bed (hotel, your place, his place, whatever), what's so bad about it? I mean, not on the first day, but after talking for a bit and figuring out that the two of you want more or less the same thing, why not go for it? If there is no chemistry, then there is no chemistry, no way around that, but for everything else... Even if everything he tells you about himself (age, marital status, income level, etc.) is not true, so what? You still get to have some fun.

 

[RuneBlade]

Why not?? Not in an abandoned warehouse, but why not meet them for coffee, or in a popular park, or take them to that restaurant you liked? You don't have to go to bed with them, but why not meet? And even you do end up in a bed (hotel, your place, his place, whatever), what's so bad about it? I mean, not on the first day, but after talking for a bit and figuring out that the two of you want more or less the same thing, why not go for it? If there is no chemistry, then there is no chemistry, no way around that, but for everything else... Even if everything he tells you about himself (age, marital status, income level, etc.) is not true, so what? You still get to have some fun.

I feel the same way. I'd meet just about anyone in person that I got on well enough with online. I'm not even an extrovert. But I'm also a 40'ish white male that has little to worry about anything, and recognize not everyone has that privilege.

But as long as you meet in a public place, and don't leave a drink unattended, I feel like there's little to worry about.

 

[AnnieLit]

I feel the same way. I'd meet just about anyone in person that I got on well enough with online. I'm not even an extrovert. But I'm also a 40'ish white male that has little to worry about anything, and recognize not everyone has that privilege.

But as long as you meet in a public place, and don't leave a drink unattended, I feel like there's little to worry about.

I would say don't meet in places where drinking is even possible. With everybody I met as result of the online connections, the first "date" was for a coffee, a lunch, a 10 am meeting in a park. One of these coffee dates ended up with us going across the street to his place, but neither one of us expected that to happen.

 

[Fibella]

Why not?? Not in an abandoned warehouse, but why not meet them for coffee, or in a popular park, or take them to that restaurant you liked? You don't have to go to bed with them, but why not meet? And even you do end up in a bed (hotel, your place, his place, whatever), what's so bad about it? I mean, not on the first day, but after talking for a bit and figuring out that the two of you want more or less the same thing, why not go for it? If there is no chemistry, then there is no chemistry, no way around that, but for everything else... Even if everything he tells you about himself (age, marital status, income level, etc.) is not true, so what? You still get to have some fun.

Maybe I should have said not something I have the inclination or urge to do.

 

[TomTeacher19]

I've been ghosted. It hurts, but eventually you realize ghosting someone is all about their lack of character or maturity and ultimately it's probably for the best. I've never ghosted someone but sometimes life gets busy and Lit takes a backstage. The whole topic is really just about being decent and polite and kind to others.

 

[lanceGibs]

Personally I live by the rule that when I communicate with someone online I treat them as if it was face to face. It's to easy to let anonymity show disrespect and bad behavior. The person on the other end is just that a human being with feelings and emotions.

Bad people exist and ghosting does have it's time. However I think in those situations received or giving both people are probably aware why it happened or at least it wasn't working leading up to that point.

I am a man and can only speak to my gender. Men online often treat women as objects forgetting women are driven by emotions. It's easy for a man to forget that he should be paying attention and listening to what she is actually saying. Although it is at times difficult I am yet to meet a woman who won't let me know what she needs. Don't let anonymity cause you to be a creep, indifferent, or rude guys. Next time you talk to a woman online listen to her and act like you are physically in front of her. Maybe you two click maybe you don't but anything less than being yourself is a lie, online or real world.

P.S. I force myself to ready each reply I receive from a woman twice. Before ever responding to her I make sure I have really listened. Communication is understanding the message and the meaning.

That is very well said
Reflects upbringing.
Wish more people thought that way
Thank You .

 

[Strixaluco]

Stating right off the bat that you are not interested in online only and asking for a coffee date after just a few chats helps a bit

This is what we recommended her, too. No sexy chat before a date.

 

[Strixaluco]

Even unattached I tell people quite early on that meeting would be a fantasy and not something I have the guts to do.

That is very fair.

Unfortunately far too many attached people don't want to admit it to either to the other party, or even to themselves. So many people are not very self-aware but do too much wishful thinking.

 

[Toffer_Guy]

Ghosting can be a really tricky topic. It’s an incredibly rude tactic. It’s happened to me a lot with people. I care a lot about being patient and courteous. When someone goes quiet I tend to think, maybe they’re busy or something happened. I’m not the center of someone’s world and it’s rude to act as such. So, it’s very hard for me to know when it’s appropriate to ask.

On the other hand. I have seen enough posts from women that shows a LOT of guys do not handle rejection well. Some can get really scary. Can’t say I blame women too much for wanting to avoid that sort of emotional abuse. Even at the risk of hurting someone who didn’t mean to.

It can just hurt and be hard when I genuinely try to respect a person’s limits and privacy. When someone goes dark. I can only wonder what went wrong, if anything.

On the whole ghosting is rude, but you don’t have the right to demand answers. No one owes you anything. If ghosting has ever hurt you, only thing you can do is not repeat it yourself.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

I've been ghosted on numerous occasions. I am not concerned with conversations that run out of steam. That happens. The ones I get pissed off about are the women that either:

1. Start getting serious with someone and simply stop writing - instead of just showing the moral courage to admit they found someone. It's an easy game. Show some character!
2. Ghost me, then post repeatedly about how shitty it is to ghost people. Again, don't be a hypocrite - show some character.

 

[AnnieLit]

The ones I get pissed off about are the women that either:
2. Ghost me, then post repeatedly about how shitty it is to ghost people. Again, don't be a hypocrite - show some character.

There is a good chance that they did not see it this way. As you said, sometimes the conversation just dries out. Well, maybe in their mind that's what happened.

Another possibility is that they said their goodbyes, you read it differently, still tried to contact them, they didn't feel obligated to continue, but didn't see it as true ghosting either because they said their piece. The fact that you didn't hear it is not really on them.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

There is a good chance that they did not see it this way. As you said, sometimes the conversation just dries out. Well, maybe in their mind that's what happened.

Another possibility is that they said their goodbyes, you read it differently, still tried to contact them, they didn't feel obligated to continue, but didn't see it as true ghosting either because they said their piece. The fact that you didn't hear it is not really on them.

Nope. While I respect your opinion on this, neither of your possibilities happened in the cases I am mentioning. There was no "goodbye" said. They just stopped writing. I didn't read it differently. And, yes, it really IS on them.

I am not saying that your scenarios have never happened to me. They have, like most people. But I can name 4 or 5 times where what I am describing has happened to me.

And, when you say "there is a good chance they did not see it that way" doesn't pass muster either - for the reasons I said. They just stopped.

 

[adamISOeve]

I've been ghosted on numerous occasions. I am not concerned with conversations that run out of steam. That happens. The ones I get pissed off about are the women that either:

1. Start getting serious with someone and simply stop writing - instead of just showing the moral courage to admit they found someone. It's an easy game. Show some character!
2. Ghost me, then post repeatedly about how shitty it is to ghost people. Again, don't be a hypocrite - show some character.

to Jeff and others in a similar situation. I wonder whether you find the following consideration helpful:

When a conversation with a woman is (apparently) developing fine, and you hope that more of that is to follow, and she then stops all of a sudden – because a serious weakness of hers is coming into play. Are you not better off then, in reality? Compared to the alternative: you carry on for another month or two, and you develop deeper feelings for her, and only then does her "weakness" show up.

It happened to me lately, that a woman accused me of gross insensitivity, all of a sudden. Simply because I had wanted to help her by correcting some misunderstandings of her. While before this, she had acted like the sweetest woman on the planet. I figure: better I learn about her inability to handle new-for-her information sooner than later. So she actually did me a favor by copping out so early.

Now in my case, no ghosting happened, only an insulting accusation. But I rather preferred this to happen soon. And not several months later.

 

[jeff_is_smiling]

to Jeff and others in a similar situation. I wonder whether you find the following consideration helpful:

When a conversation with a woman is (apparently) developing fine, and you hope that more of that is to follow, and she then stops all of a sudden – because a serious weakness of hers is coming into play. Are you not better off then, in reality? Compared to the alternative: you carry on for another month or two, and you develop deeper feelings for her, and only then does her "weakness" show up.

It happened to me lately, that a woman accused me of gross insensitivity, all of a sudden. Simply because I had wanted to help her by correcting some misunderstandings of her. While before this, she had acted like the sweetest woman on the planet. I figure: better I learn about her inability to handle new-for-her information sooner than later. So she actually did me a favor by copping out so early.

Now in my case, no ghosting happened, only an insulting accusation. But I rather preferred this to happen soon. And not several months later.

There could be a zillion reasons for the motivation of why it happens. I was merely answering the thread authors question of whether it had happened to me, and how I felt about it.

But your point is well taken. Of those that have done it to me, I only have one that still stings a little. The others hurt in the moment, but no longer. I "punish" them by not interacting with them in threads. I bet that hurts them a whole bunch...lol...

 

[Nicefella]

Ghosting is about as impersonal and cowardly a thing you can do to someone who you have met online.

I did it a handful of times a long time ago and I felt awful about it and sought out and apologized to those that I had wronged.

I have been fortunate to only be ghosted a few times. It sucks because the “ghost” obviously didn’t think as much of your interaction as you did.

If it makes anyone feel any better those that ghost here probably do the same in real life and essentially live their lives in shallow waters.

I think some that ghost (the 20% scum variety) do so because they unfortunately enjoy the idea of taking/wasting someone’s time and energy and moving into the next shiny thing. Most, though. (80%), I’d like to believe have circumstances that may prevent them from reappearing and then don’t have the heart tell you otherwise. It’s still cowardly, loser behavior but not malicious.

 

[Nicefella]

I've been ghosted. They came back ten years later. We are good friends now.
I like to think everyone has a reason and I'm sad they couldn't say theirs but I won't hold a grudge over it

Would you hold a grudge if they came back on lit with the same nickname and wouldn’t communicate?

 

[LilyV2]

I agree 100%. Couldn’t have put it better myself.

I recently experience being ghosted after chatting for over 6 months and it was quite unpleasant. I would never do this to someone so it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around. Playing with someone’s emotions is cruel and reprehensible, in my opinion. Even if you aren’t emotionally involved, suddenly stopping all contact is simply rude.

I am someone who prefers closure. It helps me move on, but I also appreciate input so I can grow and learn as a person. Not everyone is like this, I know. It just seems sad that common courtesy isn’t so common anymore.

I agree 100%

 

[barefootgirl69]

I completely understand that, sometimes in getting to know someone, you realize you simply aren't compatible. It's taken some time, maybe, but now you're starting to feel that it's really no use even talking. I've felt that way.

How you handle it is important. I can think of three times that I've had to tell someone, "This isn't working for me. We simply aren't compatible." One was recent, too! Eventually, when feelings aren't so raw, we have been able to be around each other online and be friendly. It was hard for me to tell them that, as much as it was to hear. But, that's what adults do.

More recently, I've been ghosted. I feel like he wasted three months of my summer where I could have been talking to others if he wasn't interested. I almost sent him a message last night to tell him that I miss him, but I realized that I didn't. I don't miss wondering if I'll hear from him or miss thinking I'm just a blip on his radar.

. Life goes on. How will I react if he shows up on Lit? I don't know.

 

[Erodicus]

I've been in long term coversations with a number of people fom Lit. All of those that have ended have done so by mutual agreement and we did so on friendly terms. I've been ghosted by a few short term contacts, which I found disappointing, but I never attempted to re-engage. I take the view that those who ghost others and give no reason are socially incompetent. I've only ghosted one person whose PMs were highly repetetive and refused to take the hint.

 

[4degrees]

Would you hold a grudge if they came back on lit with the same nickname and wouldn’t communicate?

I wouldn’t hold a grudge it would just be painful. Luckily, if it ever happens, I love pain.

 

[Toffer_Guy]

Ghosting is rude and can suck, but ultimately no one owes you their time. More so random people on the internet. Also, things in the real world can come up. There’s the chance it could be unintentional.

The polite thing to do, if the conversation is taking a turn you‘re not happy with. Say something. Although, I have seen enough posts where guys do not handle open rejection well. Saw a terrifying video of a woman who went on two dates, and the guy turned into a psycho stalker. She had to move house, he still found her, sent her death threats, police wouldn’t do anything, and ended with him shot when trying to break into her house.

When people can act like that. Can’t say I blame women wanting to avoid the drama.