This one’s for the girls

[niteshade]

Have you ever felt like the caterpillar that crawled into a web of goop, hoping to emerge as a beautiful butterfly, only to find that you have been trapped in your chrysalis? I seem to be breaking out. Breaking out in ever direction imaginable.

I dyed my hair purple last night. Last month, I was intimate with a man I barely knew; let him take me places I had never been. Tonight I went out to a dance hall to meet some friends… wore a shirt cut down to the top of my demi bra (didn’t know they made those in a 42F, did ya?) And when they had to leave because of a family emergency, I stayed. I, who does NOT go to or stay in bars by herself… I stayed.

I stayed, and I danced. I drank more than I should have (something else I NEVER do outside my own home or that of a trusted friend). I didn’t care that my shirt was too tight, and showed the belly I need to lose (yet another thing I never do that I did.)I didn’t care that I didn’t know the man holding me close while he led me in the dance. I didn’t care that I was the ONLY person in the whole, huge club with hair that was an unnatural color.

I DIDN’T CARE. And I still don’t.

I don’t care that one of my two best friends has said she refuses to be seen in public with me until the dye washes out (“See ya in February,” she said, and meant it)... I don’t care that rational 25 year old women don’t act as irresponsibly as I have been acting. Meeting men from the local BDSM club with no safe call… planning on attending a munch, when I am too shy to go anywhere by myself.

I am tired of being a “good girl,” even when I am the one who set my own limits and defined the term. I am tired of pretending; pretending that I don’t crave the pain of having my hair wrapped in a man’s fist and my neck arched to the point of breaking as he takes me. I am tired of pretending that I am ALWAYS strong. No… I am tired of having to always BE strong.

I am sick to death of always winning the fight. Why is it so hard to find a man who can match me? Who can control me when appropriate, but know when to let me stand on my own? And the ones I do find, who seem to be just right… they are all either too far away, or blowing smoke out their asses.

Why does it seem that I have to be one or the other? Either a submissive at all times, or a ball busting bitch? Why isn’t it ok that I am both, depending on the mood, the time, the scene?
Isn’t there a single damn man on the face of the earth who can handle me? And isn’t it sad that I don’t think I am the only one?

Well, maybe I am. But I doubt it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, you are not the only one and I can so relate to what you are saying and feeling....brought back memories I hadn't had time or energy to pull out. Welcome to being you and not who someone else wants you to be or thinks you should be.

Catalina

 

[niteshade]

Thanks Cat. BTW... I hope ST. Francisco is home safe soon.

 

[Vixandra]

You know, Niteshade, there are guys who can handle the ball busting bitch who doesn't want to "wear the pants" anymore.

I also know, that hearing that doesn't help because they're rare and hard to find. But its worth the wait.

In the mean time- please be more careful! Meeting people without a safe call is dangerous.

Its okay to be tired of being the good girl and wanting to just let go. But because your an adult you can't just throw all caution to the wind like that. Its not safe.

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[Bandit58]

I'm 46 years old, and for the last 3 years or so have been letting out the "real me". I got 2 tattoos (and hope to get more someday), I pierced my ears 3 more times and last month I got my belly done. I'm wearing short skirts, tight stretchy tops and colouring my hair (admittedly not purple but getting redder every time I do it - Master would like me to go really red!!) I've even stopped wearing a bra for the most part, where I used to wear one every day whether I was going out or not.

I used to be a respectable farmer's wife in a small tight knit rural area, trying to fit in like a square peg in a round hole, and hating it, wondering why I was so unhappy. Little bits of me would sneak out, like my love for rock and heavy metal music. I'd read gothic and horror novels. I'd fantasise about having sex with women, and being tied up and teased until I'd scream in frustration.

It's a lot of fun trying new things.....

 

[Bandit58]

CutieMouse could you explain what a Monroe piercing is please??

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[pandoravampire]

Hello nightshade.

welcome to the wonderful world of growing old bloody disgracefully.

I too 'woke up' one day in a tweed skirt at the school gate. Never looked back since. Im living my life the way i want to, and if that is not what people liked, well tuff.

I dyed my hair purple, i took me and my children and moved from the uk to australia, dumped the excess baggage of a partner and now i live! boy do i live!

Im a alpha female, im very dominant in a relationship, then moan coz the male cant handle me.

So i thought sod it, ill go for a Dom play partner. Catalina Fransico advised that i should set my sights high, and not compromise while i waited for mr right to come along, or miss right. So i did.

Now im into the best relationship ive ever had. I have my Sir that i have searched in vain for. Im never allowed to be dominant, as he realises that this would be a slippery slope for me, with me taking control at worst, or at least, not being submissive.

So dye your hair, go to the munches, get your clothes ripped off along with your purple hair by the roots. and yeah, safe call, that'd be a good idea if you can stop thinking with your clit for a moment lol.

good luck to you, epiphany's are a favourite pastime to either experience or watch in others.

pandoravampire

 

[graceanne]

It sounds to me like you're learning about yourself, and the power of you sexuality. It also sounds like you're getting a bit drunk on the experience. You can be you and not put your life or health in danger. Take it from me, you might not be worried about your health now, but you will be if you end up becoming very ill and are never able to leave your house.

As for your friend, sounds like she's not much of a friend. I bet your hair is beautiful, and when it grows out I'd die it something else cool, just to spite your friend. And make sure to call her andtell her. She'll get the point.

Go to your much, meet dom's. Have fun. Why do you ahve to be the good girl? You're not that old, you're only 25, now's the time to have fun. You won't be young for the rest of your life. And good luck finding a guy who's stronger willed than you, but in the meantime have fun looking! You have time to find the perfect guy, don't settle for less!

And i'm sorry, I can't help it. It's the mom in me too, but MAKE SAFE CALLS! I guarantee it's not worth dying to feel reckless. There are horrible people out there, and they pray on subs. Just go to www.bdsmlibrary.com and read some of their snuff stories, and you'll see the horrible things that people fantasize aobut. Just dont plan on sleeping that night, it'll give you nightmares.

*great big hug*

 

[ammre]

i went from blond hair to pitch black hair (i'm getting stop-light-red tips as soon as i can afford them)
I pierced my genitals, twice.
I split my tongue.
I hung form hooks.
I learned how to spin fire/eatfire/fire play along the skin.
I did naked slip n slide at a weekend long party in another state which i went to relitivelly alone.
I got known as the naked slip n slide girl for the rest of the weekend.
I started going to a nude beach.
I learned to crochet.
I camped more often and went to more parties alone.
I joined a juggling group.

Breaking out and exploring are very good and well, but be careful. I broke out and started being all, Ohh look i can be the man and sleep around and blah blah... i definatelly got burned by that one, physically and mentally.

i agree with the need to find someone who can actually handle you... it's tough, but when you do find them, it'll be worth it.

 

[niteshade]

Thanks guys

Just to set everyone's mind at ease, it was only a lunch that I didn't have a set safe call for, though I did at least make sure that a friend of mine knew where I was going and who I was going with. The other thing was a guy that a friend set me up with, so he was, in all actuallity, pretty safe too. Just completely out of my normal mode of operation. So, I haven't completely lost all respect for my safety... just stopped being a complete mouse.

 

[Netzach]

I put purple extensions in my black hair.

I quit my day job.

And I bake cookies and make beaded jewelry.

My slave, who can cope with all the facets of me just fine, STILL can't envision me baking cookies LOL.

 

[silver_inari]

You go girl.

I'm also a fairly forward personality, and it was hell until I realized I HAD to start going for stronger men as I was not enjoying being able to walk all over them. (Me - "what do you want to do tonight?" Them - "Anything you want is fine with me" For the love of god have an opinion!!!)

As to BDSM activities by all means you should search for what you enjoy, get in contact with the local folks. I have yet to do that. (Yeah, sure, in my copious spare time)

Your friend dumping you cuz of purple hair, I have no words. Well, wait, yeah I do. Fuck her if she can't handle her friends expressing themselves. SO your hair is purple. And this is a problem how? Frankly, if I thought I could get away with it at work I'd do it myself.

Don't let others define you how they want, define yourself how YOU want. It is a breathtaking thing to find freedom in one's life. Freedoom to define your life as you like is EVERYTHING in life.

 

[Desdemona]

Do it. Do it now. Don't stop being you no matter what. Don't settle for less than you want or need. One day, not too far off, you'll look back and wonder what happened to the last 20 years. Life is short. I'm proud of you for grabbing the brass ring.

I've spent the last few years making changes and becoming more *me* than I've ever been, and I'm not done yet. It's like waking up from a long sleep.

 

[Bandit58]

It's like waking up from a long sleep.

Amen Desdemona! That's exactly how I feel, like I started living instead of existing. I'm so glad I didn't leave it too late!

 

[CutieMouse]

*****

 

[silver_inari]

Amen Desdemona! That's exactly how I feel, like I started living instead of existing. I'm so glad I didn't leave it too late!

I'm just waiting till I'm in a secure work environment to tweak my hair and clothes a bit.

Although I was brave at one point and got a nose piercing. Last April I got an upper earlobe cartilidge piercing. After I get in slightly better shape, I'llbe getting a belly button piercing. And my ultimate reward for getting back into shape is once I reach my target, I'm getting another tattoo.

 

[Desdemona]

Ladies......

Life is sweet! I'm going to start back to belly dance lessons in January and join my local munch group. When I finish losing weight, I may reward myself with a belly button piercing and a cool belly dance outfit... just because I like them. Since I'm currently single and don't have a dom to pamper, I'm pampering me. Next time I go to a Jimmy Buffet concert, I'm dressing as a pirate wench and plan to dance in the aisles.

I've figured out that there are some qualities in a man that I just can't live without and others that I just can't live with. I try to remind myself of those qualities every time I speak to a new man and I look for them pretty carefully. I listen to my inner voice and when the alarm bells start to tinkle in my ear, I run like my ass is on fire and my hair is catching.

You know what else? In spite of the fact that the teen age salesgirl asked me today if one of my purchases was for my grandchild (grrrrrr), I think I'm pretty fucking fabulous. Anybody that doesn't agree can go piss up a rope.

edited to add: I fucking refuse to grow old gracefully. I'd rather be a disgrace and have a kinky great time.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Well, hell yes, chica.

Suck the juice out of life. It's sweet, huh?

I refuse to bow down to the dry and dusty ideas of what people think I should be doing "at my age". Fuck em.

And besides...

I like purple *grin*.

~anelize

 

[Desdemona]

I've got a red hat to go with your purple dress babe. You go, girl!

 

[nymphonancy]

reading this is like looking in a mirror

Niteshade, reading your post was like looking in a mirror at myself. I'm right there with you, want somebody who can handle it when I'm feeling fiesty and bitchy, yet knows how to take the submissive side of me to places I secrectly want to go. Although I've yet to color my hair purple (or any color for the record) I did go out a few years ago, when I was still married and got my tongue pierced. Hell, you would have thought that I had gone and became a side show freak (luv to all muh side show freak friends).

After 15 years of marriage, I woke up one day and thought to myself that surely there are other people out there like me, I cannot be the only one. Somehow, I found Lit and sure enought there are people just like me and that it is okay to be me.

So, I just want to say, that although I don't post much, I read all the posts and am enjoying getting to know who everyone is. Sorry, if this doesn't make lots of sense as I tend to ramble.

 

[silver_inari]

Re: Ladies......

edited to add: I fucking refuse to grow old gracefully. I'd rather be a disgrace and have a kinky great time.

Yup....likewise.

I intend something kinky and fun for my husband and I on my 30th birthday, which is in less then 3 weeks now, just to prove I'm still the lovely kinky chick he met 5 years go.

 

[intelligencenazi]

Fantabulous!

I LOVE reading how many women are breaking out/have broken out of their shells! I've been doing the same for a while now, and you know what? It feels spectacular! Until recently (I got bored with it) I was dying (I had to keep renewing them) fire engine red streaks in my hair. I got my tongue pierced. I got my first tattoo. I've been more confident. I've been flirting shamelessly and loving it. I never used to have the guts. I always felt like I was too fat and too blunt and so I'd hide the insecurities by acting like I didn't give a damn and had no interest. I was always intimidated by bright, sexy, or girly clothes as well as hair styling stuff and make-up. I never felt like I could admit to being terribly curious about stuff like that - I felt like it was girly and that if I was girly it would be ridiculous. And lately I've been branching out in my wardrobe, buying low-cut shirts, bright colors, flirty skirts, a lot of sexy heels. And I've been trying to learn the whole hair-styling and make-up thing. A strange way to break out, I know. But I was always blunt and assertive. I just never felt I could be girly or admit to any girly tendencies. And lately I've just been having fun with it. It's great to do what YOU want to do without worrying about what other people think.

 

[Netzach]

my second adolescence has been driven more by socioeconomic things -- it's a shrugging off of my role as the not employee of the month drudge.

I've not had a sexual shell to get stuck in.

but I can relate to the sentiments of the thread on that level. I have non-regulation extensions of purple and red in my black hair and I'm back to my college threads which have only a punk and poor chic and paint on a lot of them and I don't care.