The Worst Chain Story Ever

[oggbashan]

First Draft of part of Chapter One

EDITED to take out the long text now the whole thing is posted.

The Worst Chain Story Ever
Chapter One by Oggbashan Draft 001 28 May 2003

Matching His Fetish

Comments welcome. At the rate I'm going, covering all the possible fetishes will take a year.

Help!

Og

 

[Master_Vassago]

A truly remarkable piece of crap thus far. I applaud your efforts. . I may have input soon let's see what the rest of the cast and crew around here have first though.

 

[oggbashan]

The mystery of the eighth scarf

Thank you for your disapproval Master Vassago.

Should I leave what Magdalena did with the eighth scarf to the reader's imagination or make it apparent to all?

Og

 

[Master_Vassago]

Oh My you can't leave us in suspense. lol. Do tell about the eighth scarf.

 

[oggbashan]

Shan't - not yet anyway

I might if there is an overwhelming demand for the mystery to be revealed. Shall I start a poll or call for suggestions?

I know what she did with the eighth scarf but I think I'll delay answering for at least 24 hours. It might make people read my unutterable crap for clues if there are any which there probably aren't or maybe there are or maybe I'm just away with the fairies.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Og's driv... story

Dear Og,
Great start to what promises to be a story of Old Testament proportions.

The first sentence was masterful, and I can tell that DurtGurl could learn a few things from you.

Your use of "wardrobe" in the first paragraph was truly inspired. One suggestion, though: Could one of her wardrobes be changed to a garderobe? That was a wonderful medieval device that would make a 21st century comeback if only more people knew of it. Very ecologically sound, particularly in areas with limited water supply.

"Puckered like a closing butthole." That is absolute poetry. I'm in awe of a gifted writer at the peak of his powers.
MG
Ps. I've been reading the back of too many dust jackets.
Pps. Did that eighth scarf involve stuffing it into a puckered orifice and inviting someone to play 'find the hankie?'

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Hmmmm... Tedious, yes, repetitive, yes, unfocused, yes... And it has me looking at my sewing-machine with a twinkle in my eyes.

Now for the critique. And please remember that this is MY personal opinion, so it should mean the world to you... I mean, what do the rest of you think?

I figured Magdalena Shaw to be a single woman, a Clubber Girl, a Playgirl, a Free Spirit. I imagined our first chapter to be about Friday night out on the town. Easier to work on, I thought.

Poll, people!

• Svenskaflicka is absolutely right, and quite lovely, too. Re-write, og!!!
• Svenskaflicka, you're cramping our style with your despotic rambling! Let everyone write whatever he/she wants! Geesh..!
  [/list=a]
  
  What do the rest of you think?

 

[DurtGurl]

b

 

[oggbashan]

DurtGurl is the greatest

Thank you DurtGurl for your succinct vote of confidence.

With your approval how can I go wrong?

I suppose they could divorce at the end of chapter one. He's not going to be much use to her as he is, is he? Whether in or out of the wardrobe he comes home shagged out.

Og

 

[Svenskaflicka]

...or maybe they don't have to divorce, maybe she'll just be so frustrated when he doesn't get it up that she runs out to look for a guy to fuck her..?

 

[oggbashan]

It can be done ...

See, Svenskaflicka, all is not lost.

I thought this story was going to run on the basis of PwP (Plot? What Plot?) so the next chapter can solve the loose ends of the previous chapter or just keep the readers guessing by ignoring any minor inconsistencies such as the heroine being single again.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Indoor privy

Dear Og,
I still think there should be a garderobe.
MG

 

[Svenskaflicka]

That's the word we use. "Garderob". It means "cupboard that stands alone or is built into the wall, where you can storage clothes, shoes, and hat boxes".

 

[oggbashan]

Swedish Variation

We use garderobes for shitting in. In castles they are built over a chute that lets the shit fall on the heads of any attacker standing underneath. Much cheaper than boiling oil.

Garderobe was a medieval circumlocation - even in those days people were reluctant to talk about bodily functions.

Using them made a mess of the outside walls in peacetime.

Og.

PS Do I keep writing or start again? I only have DG's endorsement to Svenskaflicka's loaded question. Although an endorsement by DG on a contribution to The Worst Chain Story Ever must carry more conviction than any one else's vote.

 

[oggbashan]

Chapter 1 Draft the Second

EDITED to take out the long section of text now the story is posted

Draft 2 29 May 2003 - with the garderobe and the eighth scarf included.
The Worst Chain Story Ever
Chapter One

 

[oggbashan]

How Long, O Lord, How Long?

The second draft of Chapter One is above in this thread. At my current rate of progress I will cover about 3 fetishes a week and still be writing by Christmas.

For example - Did you know that there are several yahoo groups devoted to women with hairy armpits and that there are sub-sets of hairy armpit lovers who would not be seen dead with the wrong sort of hairy armpit?

Research into possible fetishes is filling my inbox with lurid spam from those commercial enterprises that think a mild interest in the variation of fetishes would incline me to contribute dollars, yen or any negotiable currency for pictures, videos and introductions to professional exponents of the particular fetish that they are attempting to corner the market in. Oh the pains of academic research! (So that's what he calls it.)

As before, comments welcome.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

Garderobe

Dear Og,
Thank you for working the garderobe into the story. I wish it had been functional, but just the mention adds ton to the otherwise dreadful story.
MG
Ps. In Ireland, there's an extremely impressive ancient fortress called the Rock of Cashal (or some such). Thousand year old stains can still be seen on the outer walls from the garderobe effluent. I was very impressed and have been garderobe conscious ever since.

I think all my stories in the future will have garderobes. I may become famous as "That idiot woman who writes about indoor
privies."
Pps. Does anyone know of a garderobe site on the Internet? There must be one.

 

[oggbashan]

Garderobes

The nearest garderobes to me are in the keep of Dover Castle. The chutes have bends in them so that arrows cannot be shot upwards at the shitter above.

In Fort Amherst in Chatham, Kent, they have a sealed unit garderobe for use by the large garrison. All the output from a multi-holed toilet ran into a large stone lined pit which had to be emptied by hand. If you got into the Sergeant's black books you could really end up with a shitty duty.

The effluent was used as manure and apparently was very good for root vegetables.

Og who still does not see how he can fit an operational garderobe into Chapter One but perhaps someone can oblige in a subsequent chapter if I ever finish Chapter One.

 

[DurtGurl]

Re: Garderobes

The chutes have bends in them so that arrows cannot be shot upwards at the shitter above.
Og who still does not see how he can fit an operational garderobe into Chapter One but perhaps someone can oblige in a subsequent chapter if I ever finish Chapter One.

Dear Og,
My goodness, a high tech garderobe. I'll certainly take up the garderobe gauntlet when it's my turn.

I was somewhat disappointed that you're story didn't mention sheep. I don't think a story is really complete without sheep. Yours, though, was set in an urban environment, so being ovinely challenged is understandable. You might have had a character be a ewesed car salesman, though.
DG

Ps. It would certainly take a dedicated bowman to stand at the bottom of garderobe and shoot upwards, hoping to hit someone using the appliance upstairs.

 

[oggbashan]

Links to Garderobe

I searched for "garderobe" and got 250,000 hits. Most of the first fifty are foreign language sites using garderobe in Svenskaflicka's sense as a wardrobe including this one in English:


http://www.awardrobeintime.com/antechamber/antechamber.html

Og

 

[MathGirl]

The noble garderobe

Dear Og,
Thank you for that information. Good grief!

Those Swedes obviously don't know what to do with a garderobe.

MG

Ps. Are you acquainted with the old time appliance known as the "gazzunder?"

Pps. Isn't it amazing, the things one picks up on reading Terry Pratchett. He's not only extremely talented, he has a gift for toilet humor. My kind of guy.

Ppps. It must have been a damn smelly environment a few hundred years ago. It that something you can get used to and not notice anymore? Seems imposssible. Someone who invented Lysol Aerosol Air Freshener could have ruled the world.

 

[oggbashan]

Re: The noble garderobe

Ps. Are you acquainted with the old time appliance known as the "gazzunder?"

Pps. Isn't it amazing, the things one picks up on reading Terry Pratchett. He's not only extremely talented, he has a gift for toilet humor. My kind of guy.

Ppps. It must have been a damn smelly environment a few hundred years ago. It that something you can get used to and not notice anymore? Seems imposssible. Someone who invented Lysol Aerosol Air Freshener could have ruled the world.

Replies to

Ps: Yes. I have books on them and one is sitting on my dining room table as a flowerpot container.

Pps: Yes - and I have a section of my bookshop on toilet humour including "The Specialist".

Ppps: You don't have to go back that far. In my father's early lifetime most transport was horse-drawn. Horses shit anywhere and the roads of London were ankle deep in horse-shit which was washed away every morning by the water cart.

In my early lifetime washing, bathing, and laundry was much more difficult than it is now. Deodorants or aftershave for men was taboo. When I started work most men (and women) took a bath no more often than once a week. Men's suits were cleaned every three months if then. Shirts had detachable cuffs and collars so that the shirt could be worn for the whole week and changed after the bath. The cuffs and collars were changed each day or each other day. The smell on a crowded commuter train in high summer was interesting.

Women weren't much better. At school in the early 1950s a girl would wear one pair of heavy cotton panties for a week, changing the equally heavy panty liner (not what are sold now as pantyliners but a separate smaller pair of panties that went inside the main panties) two or three times a week or daily if she had "the curse". With external pads for menstruation which were changed daily then washed it was not difficult for a boy to know whether the girl was menstruating because he could smell that she was at twenty yards. As for the gymslip or uniform skirt - that would be worn unwashed for the whole term (semester).

Since everyone smelt people didn't notice unless the smell was very rancid. Working men who actually did physical labour would smell of stale sweat at the end of the day because they did not have facilities at work to wash or change. Post War Miners did because the dirt that miners accumulated was far more than the normal working man's dirt. Pre-war miners had to wash in a galvanised tub in front of the coal fire.

Add to the smell of people the smell of tens of thousands of open coal fires which contributed to the famous London smog and I endured a veritable stink for my childhood years. The smog killed people with respiratory difficulties and also in traffic accidents. One particularly bad day I had to walk 4 miles home from school. Most of the way I could not see my feet because the smog was too thick - in daytime.

Now we have to travel to cities in third world countries to experience what I and earlier generations took as normal.

History lesson ends.

Og

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Hi! Sorry for abandoning you all for... what, one whole day?

og, I think you're story is working out just fi... gr... awful. Excellent work on the repetitive whipped cream and Victoria plum. This is jsut what we want. No creative ideas, just the same phrases recycled!

I think your hint about the hairy-armpit-fetish would fit very well in here. Don't stop at the armpits! Make Magdalena (or her husband) interested in hairy legs, hairy arms, hairy chests, hairy knuckles... But be gentle to my hair-loving friends! Without them, I'd have to waste my social securty cheque on razors and shaving gel.

Oh, and I can't believe what you told me about the garderobs. You non-Swedes are so gross at times!

 

[oggbashan]

Hairy

I think your hint about the hairy-armpit-fetish would fit very well in here. Don't stop at the armpits! Make Magdalena (or her husband) interested in hairy legs, hairy arms, hairy chests, hairy knuckles... But be gentle to my hair-loving friends! Without them, I'd have to waste my social securty cheque on razors and shaving gel.

I thought I had written the ultimate hairy story in "His Bad Hair Day" but perhaps I should have put it in the Humor and Satire category instead of Fetish. The fetishists don't like me being satirical about their hang-ups so voting figures are dire. Perhaps i could recycle "His Bad Hair Day" as part of Chapter one since repetition seems to be appreciated.

Og

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Goody!

Hey, speaking about copying, perhaps we could use some quotations, too?

Magdalena turned to her husband:

"You do know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow."

OK, so this has absolutely nothing to do with fetishes, but it's an example. I'm sure we could find fetish-related quotes, if we would like to use this method.