The Stigma of Being Divorced.

[Ian1]

Well my marrige did not work out, we are getting a divorce. Now I find myself worried about not being able to meet anyone. Allow me elaborate.

When I was married women came up to me quite often to hit on me without provacation. I was to understand this was because I was married. Sinlge women see a married man and think "well he must be something cause somebody thought enough of this yokel to marry him".

Now my problem is that since I am soon to be divorce, that when women finds out they will be less inclined to stick around cause someone threw me away, I am broken, so to speak.

So how about it, anybody tell me if I am jumping at shadows or is this something I should be concerned with.

 

[Expertise]

Take a lesson from Seinfeld and tell them that she died.

50% of marriages end in failure your not alone out there. Stay away from the leisure suits, the Mr T "starter kit" type jewelry and you should be fine.

 

[Patryn]

First of all let me offer my condolences on your divorce. Sorry to hear things didn't go well.

Secondly, I wouldn't really worry too much about meeting someone else until after you're officially divorced. Go read my "out of my caste" thread...there's some good advice there about the judgements people make. I, for one, have never ruled out a divorced guy as trash. Just because his relationship didn't work out with one specific person doesn't mean he's an asshole. Often there's problems on both the part of the husband and wife that breaks up a marriage, unless one partner is abusive, a drug user, or something else disagreeable and mainly outside their spouse's control.

I'm guessing none of that is true in your case, so I'm sure that you'll have no problems meeting women.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You are not broken, you were not thrown away, there is nothing wrong with you that a little duct tape won't fix. It's not that big a deal that you got a divorce.

When I look at a man, the only reason his marital status does a thing for me is that I don't do married men cause they belong to someone else. I should say did... His being married didn't mean that he was any less a schmuck than his single brothers. Just cause your ex took off for parts unkown doesn't mean that other women will immediately say, oh gawd, something is wrong with him, his wife beat feet. All that means is, cool, lets stop off at Triple X Video and pick up some astroglide, a case of condoms and some smut videos.

All a divorce means is that particular woman wasn't right for you and now you're free to find one that is. Its not gonna be easy darlin, but you'll do okay. Just don't sit at home in your boxers watching reruns of Friends and feeling sorry for yourself because of your insecurities. Everyone has insecurities. We all (with the possible exception of myself) think there is something wrong with us and are astounded when people who are attracted to us don't notice that glaring neon sign pointing straight to our faults.

 

[April]

I'm sorry to hear that Ian. I hope things go better for you.

 

[Dixon Carter Lee]

I thought we covered Stigmata?

A lot of women also prefer divorced men because they've shown the ability to make a commitment. I wouldn't worry about it, Ian, particularly yet, I mean, get yourself through the divorce first. Your head will be a lot clearer after that, I'm sure. Good luck.

 

[Ian1]

Just don't sit at home in your boxers watching reruns of Friends and feeling sorry for yourself...

Ahh, shit. Now I gotta find a new past time.

Thank you all for the advice a particularly the female veiw point. You have helped quiet my little fears to some degree. You are all right, of course, about waiting a bit, I guess I am just a little anxiuos. Fuck, let's not candy coat it, I'm rebounding. My unit is back from Kosovo now though so I have my friends, that will help.

 

[CreamyLady]

I look at the whole man. I'm divorced myself; I know I was a good 50% to blame for it. Why would I reject a man for a divorce by assuming it was entirely his fault?

I'm more concerned when I meet a man with no dings or scratches . . . that worries me.

 

[Siren]

Ian.......

 

[Skitten]

It is very hard to go through a divorce and I am sorry that things on that end did not work out for you, but it happens and you are not to blame. Things happen try to move on and not dwell on it too much.

Women do not just look for men who are married they look for men who a secure within themselves, and willing to be themselves and admit they have faults. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You will do fine go out there and be yourself it may take time getting to know the real you again. You will be able to have fun again and meet women who don't just think about the divorce but the real you as a person.

 

[FlamingoBlue]

Ian...

You didn't fail! Your marriage failed.
Next time, if there is a next time, build the relationship on a stronger foundation. And, welcome to "The Club".

Trust me, there is no longer any stigma attached to divorce except by small minded, inflexible people who would rather die than mind their own business. Strong words, I know, but that's how I feel.

blue

 

[Cheyenne]

Have to agree with the crowd. I know too many perfectly nice people who also happen to be divorced. It isn't a big deal to me unless you start going for the record- two or three divorces under your belt will make me do a double take look. One divorce wouldn't even make me blink.

Hope it goes well for you. My sister is about to start a divorce and I hate not being able to "fix things" for her. She's my little sister, and I can't do anything to take away the pain she feels. (By the way, if you're currently my brother-in-law, don't tell me. )

 

[Whispersecret]

You didn't fail! Your marriage failed.

Oooh, I have to disagree. I don't know Ian or the details of his marriage, so what I have to say may not apply.

But, when getting a divorce, I'm of the opinion that you should beware of shifting the blame to the marriage itself. Whenever two people get divorced, it's likely that both are to blame in one way or another. If you don't look carefully at what mistakes you made, you may just end up making the same mistakes in the next relationship.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Ian. You shouldn't look at yourself as a failure, but neither should you look at yourself as a blameless victim. The reality probably is somewhere in between.

As far as whether I would look down on a divorced man, I wouldn't. Actually, I might think he would be more desirable. Not because he's obviously able to make a committment, but because hopefully he learned something about himself and how to be in a loving relationship in hindsight.

Best of luck.

[Edited by whispersecret on 09-06-2000 at 10:02 PM]