the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

Your past few post have been so full of peace and joy. I truly hope that is how you are feeling right now.

You know that you are one of my heroes Such honesty and openness is very rare.

I am feeling peaceful. But not too heroic.

(Don't give me too much credit. It isn't me that is the hero, redslady, but the part of you that I am somehow able to touch. Hang in there.)

 

[thesassysub]

And "what does this have to do with slavery?" new readers may ask. . .

The most significant effect of living as a slave is not - in fact - the opportunity to live one's fantasies. Somehow, as soon as it becomes reality, it loses its fantas-tic nature.

The most significant effect is the steady conversion of the slave's will to the master's. Which doesn't mean I can't be as strong-willed as the next one.

It just means that all my exertion is wasted energy, cramped and gutted, until it is aligned with his will.

But I think it's a fair system, for his will must be large enough to encompass my own if he has any hope of channeling all this energy effectively. My will has elements he will never fully control. And until he is able to see me for everything that I actually am, I will inevitably chafe at his lead and drain his energy with my erratic and undisciplined actions.

He is also bound by the truth of my being. And can feel equally dictated to by its inert reality.

It's a fair system at the root.

Thank you for the note about my blog.

I totally relate to the part in bold.

 

[ecstaticsub]

eastern sun --

I've been following this thread since you began it. I have mostly lurked because I am not a slave, I am an owned submissive. But lately as the dynamics in my relationship shift more and more toward M/s I am finding even more comfort in what you write.

I am comforted by the fact that you are very strong willed, yet still very much a slave. It is possible for the two to co-exist

I am also learning that when I am being strong willed, and even if my dominant admits that I may be right..it doesn't matter. He still wants what he wants, and gets what he wants.

My insides are so confused because on one hand it's frustrating as hell...but on the other hand the calm way he expects me to just obey anyway is comforting.

It also scares me because this feeling doesn't make me horny, doesn't excite me sexually it just reaffirms that I am where I want to be.

 

[rida]

*snip*
It also scares me because this feeling doesn't make me horny, doesn't excite me sexually it just reaffirms that I am where I want to be.

 

[eastern sun]

on one hand it's frustrating as hell...but on the other hand the calm way he expects me to just obey anyway is comforting.

It also scares me because this feeling doesn't make me horny, doesn't excite me sexually it just reaffirms that I am where I want to be.

Yes. This is what I feel too. But it doesn't scare me any more.

Not being scared finally gives me the opportunity to find out how to actually accept the frustrating and difficult aspects of the relationship.

And it's taken me years to get here. Be very patient and don't expect too much of yourself.

(It's awfully easy to convince yourself that you'll willing obey every demand, and that it will be great!, when you're not actually doing it.)

 

[BiBunny]

I am also learning that when I am being strong willed, and even if my dominant admits that I may be right..it doesn't matter. He still wants what he wants, and gets what he wants.

I'm in awe of people who can do this. I don't have it in me anymore.

 

[HottieMama]

I'm in awe of people who can do this. I don't have it in me anymore.

Bunny...I think you and I should start a new thread to discuss this issue specifically. I fell like you do. I am in awe of those that can do it, but every fiber of my being rejects the mere thought of it...

 

[BiBunny]

Bunny...I think you and I should start a new thread to discuss this issue specifically. I fell like you do. I am in awe of those that can do it, but every fiber of my being rejects the mere thought of it...

Go right ahead.

 

[eastern sun]

A potent cocktail of insomnia, lit, and pre-job interview jitters had me on the verge of flashbacks last night, and after my internet connection failed (as it's prone to do lately) I found it helped to write about it. I can't keep the hard copy here where family might find it, so with your leave, I think my early morning rambling might find a better home here than the '-blurt' or '-craving' threads.

It's worth noting however that it paints my ex-mistresses in perhaps much poorer light than they deserve. My personal demons are not often kind in picking over memories with which to haunt me.

I've been so busy lately, I thought I'd missed your post before you deleted it.

Please keep writing. I love your imagery. I love the quality of your submission.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thanks

Yes. This is what I feel too. But it doesn't scare me any more.

Not being scared finally gives me the opportunity to find out how to actually accept the frustrating and difficult aspects of the relationship.

And it's taken me years to get here. Be very patient and don't expect too much of yourself.

(It's awfully easy to convince yourself that you'll willing obey every demand, and that it will be great!, when you're not actually doing it.)

Thanks for the encouragement. It would be so much easier if I didn't have to worry about real life issues and responsibilities, too.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm in awe of people who can do this. I don't have it in me anymore.

Bunny...I think you and I should start a new thread to discuss this issue specifically. I fell like you do. I am in awe of those that can do it, but every fiber of my being rejects the mere thought of it...

Go right ahead.

Great idea for a thread...I would appreciate the chance to discuss this.

 

[eastern sun]

I'm in awe of people who can do this. I don't have it in me anymore.

Bunny...I think you and I should start a new thread to discuss this issue specifically. I feel like you do. I am in awe of those that can do it, but every fiber of my being rejects the mere thought of it...

Great idea for a thread...I would appreciate the chance to discuss this.

I'd love to participate in this discussion, so I'm just going to grab the reins and jump.

I haven't met anyone who doesn't feel that knee-jerk self-protective response to certain aspects of submission. It changes from person to person . . . and it changes from day to day. . . but I've never to spoken to anyone who didn't experience moments of complete shut-down when faced with some given demand or circumstance.

And I also feel awe when I perceive someone able to tolerate demands and circumstances that go beyond the limits of what I myself am able to endure.

So what causes us to shut down? Is it important to follow those instinctual self-preserving impulses? Are they giving us important information?

Or is it more important to move through the fear? the pain? the ego? in order to find out what's on the other side?

Because that's also when I feel awe. When I think someone has seen the other side of fear and pain and ego. When situations that I would find intolerable have been endured with courage - and even some kind of grace - and now the other walks with the kind of wisdom that only comes with experience.

What do you think? Our gut instincts tell us when we're in danger. When do we need to stop listening to them?

 

[ecstaticsub]

I'm in awe of people who can do this. I don't have it in me anymore.

I'm still trying to find my way with this concept myself.

I'd love to participate in this discussion, so I'm just going to grab the reins and jump.

I haven't met anyone who doesn't feel that knee-jerk self-protective response to certain aspects of submission. It changes from person to person . . . and it changes from day to day. . . but I've never to spoken to anyone who didn't experience moments of complete shut-down when faced with some given demand or circumstance.

And I also feel awe when I perceive someone able to tolerate demands and circumstances that go beyond the limits of what I myself am able to endure.

So what causes us to shut down? Is it important to follow those instinctual self-preserving impulses? Are they giving us important information?

Or is it more important to move through the fear? the pain? the ego? in order to find out what's on the other side?

Because that's also when I feel awe. When I think someone has seen the other side of fear and pain and ego. When situations that I would find intolerable have been endured with courage - and even some kind of grace - and now the other walks with the kind of wisdom that only comes with experience.

What do you think? Our gut instincts tell us when we're in danger. When do we need to stop listening to them?

I haven't experienced what I think you are referring to as shut down. It is more of me asking myself "WTF are you doing, why are you putting up with this shit. Have some dignity girl"

I have always trusted my instincts. I know they have saved me on more then one occasions. My instincts haven't told me to run away from this relationship, not yet at least.

It is a battle within myself, the putting pride and dignity aside and trying to see beyond the immediate pain/turmoil/humiliation.

It is also not a matter of being in love, or being in awe of him, or thinking he is some Oh So Perfect Man who of course I will follow to the ends of the universe.

For me I think it is my obsession with the fact I made a commitment. I don't go back on my promises.

Also I am curious as hell. After asking myself questions like Will obeying kill me? Harm my family? Hurt others? The answers to those questions are always no. So I want to see what will happen when I do obey, when I do push myself into that uncomfortable position.

I am still really struggling.

 

[eastern sun]

I haven't experienced what I think you are referring to as shut down.

You haven't ever just hit a wall when you're told to do something? Just stood there paralyzed? Or tongue-tied? Or found it impossible to complete an assigned task?

It's a moment of total resistance. No struggle. Just "no."

Sometimes it doesn't even last very long, but it's force is undeniable.

 

[ecstaticsub]

You haven't ever just hit a wall when you're told to do something? Just stood there paralyzed? Or tongue-tied? Or found it impossible to complete an assigned task?

It's a moment of total resistance. No struggle. Just "no."

Sometimes it doesn't even last very long, but it's force is undeniable.

I can honestly say I've never told him no, I don't think I've ever even thought it. It's always been a struggle instead. I've always been a problem solver. Anytime I have to do anything--home, work, life, demands from Daddy--my first thought even if it seems impossible or goes against every fiber of my being is not no..it is how can I make this work?

Sometimes he doesn't get what he originally wanted because I become so frustrated, overwhelmed, crazy that he decides it is not worth pushing the issue at that time. Even then the issue will resurface at another time. Eventually he does get what he wants.

I will put my disclaimer in here--I am not a slave. Daddy and I do not share children or finances. We do not live together. I am sure without any doubt that if we did share children or finances he would be hearing the word No.

 

[BiBunny]

I finally started a thread. I was going to let someone else do it, but then I decided I didn't want everyone to think I'd abandoned the topic.

 

[HottieMama]

I finally started a thread. I was going to let someone else do it, but then I decided I didn't want everyone to think I'd abandoned the topic.

I haven't been able to compose my thoughts enough to start one in a coherent fashion. thanks Bunny!

 

[eastern sun]

I pour myself like liquid into each one I meet. Like oil easing rusty joints, like water nurturing dormant seeds. And the pleasure I feel in the giving is good.

But then the day comes when my own joints are abused, my own garden is parched, and I don't know how to draw water from the communal well. I sink my loneliness into the heart of the slave, and know - fundamentally - that it is up to me to learn how to care for myself.

But - the truth is - I really want someone to care for me when I don't know how to care for myself. I really want someone to hold me with tenderness when I am not tender myself. I really want to be loved when I cannot love myself.

I am surrounded by people who love me (I think). So why can't I feel it? What walls have I created to keep them away?

Walls of action.

You can't hit a moving target.

 

[eastern sun]

So I stopped moving. And felt the full weight of his displeasure.

I don't know why I waste my time trying to run.

 

[minx1]

I pour myself like liquid into each one I meet. Like oil easing rusty joints, like water nurturing dormant seeds. And the pleasure I feel in the giving is good.

But then the day comes when my own joints are abused, my own garden is parched, and I don't know how to draw water from the communal well. I sink my loneliness into the heart of the slave.

I wish I could say something of merit; something soothing but I have no words. I've felt a disconnect of late...but in a good way.

But I love you and i love this. Beautiful.

 

[rida]

I pour myself like liquid into each one I meet. Like oil easing rusty joints, like water nurturing dormant seeds. And the pleasure I feel in the giving is good.

But then the day comes when my own joints are abused, my own garden is parched, and I don't know how to draw water from the communal well. I sink my loneliness into the heart of the slave, and know - fundamentally - that it is up to me to learn how to care for myself.

But - the truth is - I really want someone to care for me when I don't know how to care for myself. I really want someone to hold me with tenderness when I am not tender myself. I really want to be loved when I cannot love myself.

I am surrounded by people who love me (I think). So why can't I feel it? What walls have I created to keep them away?

Walls of action.

You can't hit a moving target.

I've been feeling a similar kind of restlessness, a similar kind of longing.
A tiredness at being the one always caring, always doing, always accommodating, always giving.

Fate made me meet someone that, for some unexplained reason, is just waiting for me to summon him, and he'll worship the ground I walk on.

And all I can do is shy away and long for the Sadist and the Mentor to be my Prince Charming that will awake me with a kiss and whisk me away on their white horse.

So I stopped moving. And felt the full weight of his displeasure.

I don't know why I waste my time trying to run.

Sometime I feel that, as a slave, there is no way to get it right.
And being told that "Your best is not necessarily good enough" should have clued me in long ago ...

Hugs

 

[gypsy*seer]

I am surrounded by people who love me (I think). So why can't I feel it? What walls have I created to keep them away?

Walls of action.

You can't hit a moving target.

I can so identify with this paragraph, that I'll have to ponder before I can come up with a response.

Hugs & well wishes as always, es.

 

[eastern sun]

I wish I could say something of merit; something soothing but I have no words. I've felt a disconnect of late...but in a good way.

But I love you and i love this. Beautiful.

Thank you, minx. I suppose the first thing I can do is bring myself to the well.

I'm more comfortable with strangers than I am with the ones I love.
I'm more comfortable with myself than I am with the ones I love.
So why am I so uncomfortable with the ones I love?

Because I am afraid that - in their presence - I will disappear.

And I will.

That is the heart of the slave. Able to be present and absent at the same time.

 

[eastern sun]

I've been feeling a similar kind of restlessness, a similar kind of longing.
A tiredness at being the one always caring, always doing, always accommodating, always giving.

Fate made me meet someone that, for some unexplained reason, is just waiting for me to summon him, and he'll worship the ground I walk on.

And all I can do is shy away and long for the Sadist and the Mentor to be my Prince Charming that will awake me with a kiss and whisk me away on their white horse.

Sometime I feel that, as a slave, there is no way to get it right.
And being told that "Your best is not necessarily good enough" should have clued me in long ago ...

Hugs

Thanks, rida. I have had similar experiences.

It is true that, as a slave, it feels sometimes like you can never get it right. Usually because, though we're trained to think that "right" can be learned - outside of school, "right" is not a fixed pattern that you can memorize and repeat.

The only way I've ever gotten it "right" was in the moment, when I was fully present and aware and honest (because sometimes disappointing someone is "right") and open and unafraid. And I've experienced enough of those moments to know that it is possible to "get it right."

So why do I get it wrong so often? (And I most definitely do.)

I was going to say "fear," and there is some truth to that. But even fear has it's "right" place.

No, I get it wrong when I start blinding myself with my own ideas. And stop being able to see what's actually happening in the place where I am in that moment.

And that is far too easy to do.

 

[eastern sun]

I can so identify with this paragraph, that I'll have to ponder before I can come up with a response.

Hugs & well wishes as always, es.

Thanks, gypsy.

All this action is taking me further from the stillness that I need in order to see clearly. All this action is bringing forth everything I need to see.

I've been exploring the ends of the continuums for so long, I know that a "middle way" exists because I've passed through it on my pendulum swings to the opposite sides. I even have a taste of what "balance" might bring. So, why don't I want it?

Why do I keep running from one extreme to another? Habit?

What if I just said "it's my nature to do so"? Is that a copout?

Is balance the goal? Is there a goal?

What is the goal?

Where is the goal?

Where did it go?