the marks of a slave

[JMohegan]

When it comes to blowjobs, I find it best not to focus on outcome at all. Focus on his pleasure and there will eventually be an orgasm. Kind of like Field of Dreams...if you build it...

I think cocks have a sixth sense about being rushed.

Haha - yes, they have a sixth sense about a lot of things!

And this is great advice.

 

[00Syd]

Language is more flexible than the minds that use it sometimes.

I started writing, in part, because the codified language I was reading didn't fully capture the experience I was having. Though it may challenge aspects of the BDSM subculture, I doubt it will change BDSM at the roots to explore new ways of talking about it, and I encourage you to keep putting your experience into words. There are a lot of people who will recognize what you're talking about.

And ultimately language is meant to serve the people who use it. Too often we get stuck trying to fit the rawness of our experience into pre-defined concepts, and inadvertently limit ourselves in the process.

This is so true, and very true for me. But I'm getting better.

This past weekend, Seb and I tried to better define the terms of our relationship (just because it kept getting confused, the way these sorts of things do) and we somehow managed to do it with almost no BDSM specific words or terms. I was very proud of us

Maybe when I'm out of school and have some extra energy that I can use for some creative output, I'll start a sex blog (the trendy way to write about sexy experiences, dontcha know).

 

[eastern sun]

It might help if you also focus on the act as an expression of your feelings for the man himself.

Whether reasonable or not, "love me, love my cock" = a very basic male expectation. And at no point is there a better opportunity to express that sentiment than when you've got his dick in your mouth.

By the same token, though, unless the guy is actively trying to frustrate you, "this blowjob's taking too damn long" is an attitude that's gonna be a big turnoff.

See the first post of the Oral Servitude thread. I don't know if this is a wiring thing, an individual personality or preference thing, a chemistry of pairing thing, or whatever. So it may not be possible for you to cultivate that particular flavor of focus. But I recommend it highly if you can.

Ever sucked a cock that smelled like sweaty piss?

Without meaning to be facetious, there are days in any relationship when it's hard to express loving devotion on command.

Sometimes you just feel like a "slave."

 

[eastern sun]

Just for the record, I consider myself a "house slave" through and through.

 

[JMohegan]

Ever sucked a cock that smelled like sweaty piss?

Without meaning to be facetious, there are days in any relationship when it's hard to express loving devotion on command.

Sometimes you just feel like a "slave."

No.

And she wasn't doing this "on command." She volunteered.

 

[eastern sun]

This is so true, and very true for me. But I'm getting better.

This past weekend, Seb and I tried to better define the terms of our relationship (just because it kept getting confused, the way these sorts of things do) and we somehow managed to do it with almost no BDSM specific words or terms. I was very proud of us

Maybe when I'm out of school and have some extra energy that I can use for some creative output, I'll start a sex blog (the trendy way to write about sexy experiences, dontcha know).

I would love to read anything you write.

 

[00Syd]

Ever sucked a cock that smelled like sweaty piss?

Without meaning to be facetious, there are days in any relationship when it's hard to express loving devotion on command.

OMG sweaty piss dick. Also, sweaty lint-covered dick. Blagch!

No.

And she wasn't doing this "on command." She volunteered.

well, in that particular instance, yeah, but that's rare. I seem to be the one in a million submissive female who doesn't like to suck dick, so about 99.9% of the time, he has to use physical force to make me do it. Because I just don't wanna. And it usually ends in tears, one way or another.

I would love to read anything you write.

Aw, that's sweet Unfortunately, I haven't written anything more exciting than an academic paper in a long time.

 

[eastern sun]

No.

And she wasn't doing this "on command." She volunteered.

True. I was making a more general statement. Oral servitude is a great concept, and a wonderful experience, but hard to practice with perfect consistency. I fear it could become one of those unrealistic expectations we sub/slaves punish ourselves for failing to live up to.

 

[JMohegan]

well, in that particular instance, yeah, but that's rare. I seem to be the one in a million submissive female who doesn't like to suck dick, so about 99.9% of the time, he has to use physical force to make me do it. Because I just don't wanna. And it usually ends in tears, one way or another.

Ah, okay. My apologies. I don't have any long-term experience with someone who dislikes dick sucking, so I don't have relevant suggestions on what could be done.

True. I was making a more general statement. Oral servitude is a great concept, and a wonderful experience, but hard to practice with perfect consistency. I fear it could become one of those unrealistic expectations we sub/slaves punish ourselves for failing to live up to.

Even the most servitude-prone person will occasionally be tired, distracted, or somehow not in the mood. That's true. They usually don't pick those times to volunteer the service, though.

As for s-types punishing themselves for failing to live up to something, I'll refer back to what ITW already said. If the D didn't consider the s to be good enough, he wouldn't be with her in the first place.

 

[00Syd]

Ah, okay. My apologies. I don't have any long-term experience with someone who dislikes dick sucking, so I don't have relevant suggestions on what could be done.

Yeah, I'm kind of a weirdo in this respect (at least amongst kinky folks).

I honestly used to think that every woman who said that she liked to suck dick was lying.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Ever sucked a cock that smelled like sweaty piss?

Without meaning to be facetious, there are days in any relationship when it's hard to express loving devotion on command.

Sometimes you just feel like a "slave."

sometimes feeling like a slave is precisely what one needs to sharpen focus and remind one of priorities...specifically, him. his pleasure. his needs. my place. my purpose. with that in mind, every task, no matter how mundane or how tedious or how difficult, becomes life-giving. that is how i see it and what works in my world, anyhow.


as an aside, i totally cannot relate to the concept of giving a man a blowjob and being focused on his orgasm. that honestly never comes to mind, at least not until moments/seconds before it actually occurs. while giving a blowjob my focus is on pleasing him, trying to provide what it is he needs at that moment, listening to and reading his body, etc. but that is my mindset with most things (housekeeping, homework, etc)...i dwell on the minutia of the task itself, get myself lost in it, and never any particular end result.

 

[eastern sun]

sometimes feeling like a slave is precisely what one needs to sharpen focus and remind one of priorities...specifically, him. his pleasure. his needs. my place. my purpose. with that in mind, every task, no matter how mundane or how tedious or how difficult, becomes life-giving. that is how i see it and what works in my world, anyhow.

as an aside, i totally cannot relate to the concept of giving a man a blowjob and being focused on his orgasm. that honestly never comes to mind, at least not until moments/seconds before it actually occurs. while giving a blowjob my focus is on pleasing him, trying to provide what it is he needs at that moment, listening to and reading his body, etc. but that is my mindset with most things (housekeeping, homework, etc)...i dwell on the minutia of the task itself, get myself lost in it, and never any particular end result.

Yes. But you are exceptional. It is a very difficult state to sustain.

A question - how do you work with yourself in those moments when you feel you've failed to live up to his expectations and/or demands?

 

[eastern sun]

As for s-types punishing themselves for failing to live up to something, I'll refer back to what ITW already said. If the D didn't consider the s to be good enough, he wouldn't be with her in the first place.

This is what my husband says too. But it's hard sometimes to interpret these petty rejections.

I've been pushed away because I failed to do what he wanted or frustrated him. Often because I was focussed on the wrong thing, just as Syd describes. It's hard not to interpret his frustration as failure on my part, especially because there appeared to be something I could have done to prevent it.

One nice thing about the slap-in-the-face is that it offers a warning bell. Get your head together or I'm out of here.

But isn't that also a message that you're at risk of failing?

 

[Homburg]

as an aside, i totally cannot relate to the concept of giving a man a blowjob and being focused on his orgasm. that honestly never comes to mind, at least not until moments/seconds before it actually occurs. while giving a blowjob my focus is on pleasing him, trying to provide what it is he needs at that moment, listening to and reading his body, etc. but that is my mindset with most things (housekeeping, homework, etc)...i dwell on the minutia of the task itself, get myself lost in it, and never any particular end result.

Zen and the Art of Sucking Cock.



Seriously.

 

[rida]

This is the key.

When I get distracted, like in meditation, I focus on my breath (or his breath), reconnect my mind with my body, and it's easier to "listen." Otherwise, I fall back on a series of techniques or ideas of what I think he will like. Sometimes those moves work if he's close enough to orgasm, but if he feels my disconnect, he either loses interest or takes advantage of it.

If I'm really "listening" to his body, any technique is just a springboard for my creativity and I feel like a sexual artist. In time, it becomes it's own reward.

Nod. Nod. So true.

*snip*

Maybe when I'm out of school and have some extra energy that I can use for some creative output, I'll start a sex blog (the trendy way to write about sexy experiences, dontcha know).

I would love to read anything you write.

Seconded!

Yeah, I'm kind of a weirdo in this respect (at least amongst kinky folks).

I honestly used to think that every woman who said that she liked to suck dick was lying.

I used to be that way in my early 20s. I'd do it to start things up but I really did not like it per se until I had a sort of epiphany after meeting my current Hubby and it went from a necessary evil to just a plain hard task.

Adding the kink in life made me like it more, but at the same time it got even harder.

Going back to the "listen" concept as EasternSun expressed it, often time a BJ becomes in my mind a way to show off while it should be about his pleasure and my use. One of the little sneaky ways in which ego comes in the way ...

This is what my husband says too. But it's hard sometimes to interpret these petty rejections.

I've been pushed away because I failed to do what he wanted or frustrated him. Often because I was focussed on the wrong thing, just as Syd describes. It's hard not to interpret his frustration as failure on my part, especially because there appeared to be something I could have done to prevent it.

One nice thing about the slap-in-the-face is that it offers a warning bell. Get your head together or I'm out of here.

But isn't that also a message that you're at risk of failing?

A warning is good. But it does send home the message that I'm failing already and with the wrong head space is just the perfect recipe to push me to complete failure.

I don't judge outcome; I judge effort.

But sometime effort is not good enough.

 

[rida]

as an aside, i totally cannot relate to the concept of giving a man a blowjob and being focused on his orgasm. that honestly never comes to mind, at least not until moments/seconds before it actually occurs. while giving a blowjob my focus is on pleasing him, trying to provide what it is he needs at that moment, listening to and reading his body, etc. but that is my mindset with most things (housekeeping, homework, etc)...i dwell on the minutia of the task itself, get myself lost in it, and never any particular end result.

Zen and the Art of Sucking Cock.



Seriously.

Yes.

 

[BiBunny]

I dunno, I think if it's something that's frequently occurring, then just saying, "Focus!" over and over isn't going to help it.

 

[midwestyankee]

Zen and the Art of Sucking Cock.



Seriously.

Which could lead to a fascinating discussion of the Quality of sucking cock.

 

[Keroin]

Interesting. When I’m blowjobbing, that’s one of the few moments in my life that I can focus, when I’m completely absorbed in the here and now. Blowjobs and long runs are auto-Zen activities, for me.

Mind you, I fall into that annoying percentile that LOVES it, (running and blowjobbing). Sorry Syd. (Oh, and I’m definitely not coming from the slave POV, either).

Of course that means I miss out on the slapping. Envious. Very envious.

 

[intothewoods]

Don't worry, you can be slapped for other things. I should know!

 

[Keroin]

Don't worry, you can be slapped for other things. I should know!

Unfortunately not.

Yet.

Work in progress.

 

[Netzach]

I dunno, I think if it's something that's frequently occurring, then just saying, "Focus!" over and over isn't going to help it.

dingdingding

 

[Netzach]

I am middle of the road as an oral giver. It can be fun, I can be enthusiastic as the next cockwhore. I always figured if he's not cumming it's him, not me. LOL.

 

[rida]

Interesting. When I’m blowjobbing, that’s one of the few moments in my life that I can focus, when I’m completely absorbed in the here and now. Blowjobs and long runs are auto-Zen activities, for me.

Mind you, I fall into that annoying percentile that LOVES it, (running and blowjobbing). Sorry Syd. (Oh, and I’m definitely not coming from the slave POV, either).

Of course that means I miss out on the slapping. Envious. Very envious.

I wonder if there is a correlation between finding Zen in running and in bj ...

Running is also something where my mind wanders all over until it settles on how painful and tiring and how horrible I am at it.

 

[rida]

I am middle of the road as an oral giver. It can be fun, I can be enthusiastic as the next cockwhore. I always figured if he's not cumming it's him, not me. LOL.

If he does not cum with a bj I have a hard time not thinking it's me.
Does it mean I have too big of an a ego?