the marks of a slave

[SubKekiLee]

It hit me last night as I was lying in bed. I am a slave. I have no idea where it came from. He's been telling me this all along, but I always hated it about myself. But he's right. I'm a slave. It's my responsibility to give him everything I have to give. It's not his responsibility to come take it from me because I'm too chicken to admit to myself what I am.

I've had an inner serenity today that I've never felt before. I feel like I've transcended in some ways, like I've finally been able to see past the veil of maya, of illusion. I know what's real and what isn't now. And this is real like nothing else in the world.

Next time I serve, it won't be with conflicting inner emotions. Some time last night, I made peace with myself. I will serve with all of myself, with every bit of my slave's heart. There's nothing to fear now. I will take the next step and not be afraid.

I can't seem to stop smiling now. I am a slave. I am HIS slave.

I was afraid of myself. It bled over into being afraid of him because he acts like a mirror to me. He makes me see myself for what I am, whether I like it or not. But now that I'm not afraid of what I am anymore, I don't have to be afraid of him revealing it to me, either.



I'm glad.

BB
Congrats. I know how you feel yesterday I felt the same I came to a point where I realized I need not be scared of my emotions and not fight myself... I am glad you wrote this , YOu always amaze me..

and Eastern Sun=

Thank you for starting this thread. it is the one I read everytime I log on..

 

[eastern sun]

Yes! Totally. When we met and through most of our relationship to date, our time was separate from time with my kid. I did not introduce him until recently. So for all of that time, I suppose it was quite clear and easy when the dynamic was on. I thought it might be weird when I integrated mom-me and lover/gf-me, but I was wrong. It wasn't weird at all. Again, there is a certain built-in separateness there, since I am the parent. So we will see what happens in the next phase.

I need to revisit this, for my own sense of clarity.

The on/off switch I was trying to describe doesn't refer to the dynamic itself. Given the nature of our relationship, the dynamic is always "on."

Within that dynamic though, there are moments when my own internal control switch is either "on" or "off." Like the difference between (a) following someone’s direction but acting with a plan, a shopping list, an agenda, and (b) just "going with the flow," staying open to any possibility, and responding to the needs of the moment. I have spent much of my life experimenting with that internal switch, in work situations, in family relationships, in friendships, in the throes of sexual passion, in spiritual practices.

Obviously, there are times when even a "slave" has to have a plan. And I'm really good at making them and carrying them out. He counts on my success, and expects no less.

But those are the moments when I can really feel like I'm "in control" of this car called life. When the road unfolds in front of me just as I expect it will. And those are the moments, too, when I can speed up, and veer off into agenda-driven action, literally running over the reality of other people like a hit-and-run driver, not even realizing that I bruised someone's feelings or blocked them on their path.

Having worked myself into some confusion this past month, I'm fascinated right now with the mechanism of this internal switch. For the past few days I have watched it turn on and off from one moment to the next.

I can stand at the same coffee counter and order a cup of coffee with the switch "on" one day, and the switch "off" the next. I can watch the face of the person serving me, and see the effect of the change in my attitude. The difference is literally like night and day, dark and light, in the expressions on our faces, the tightness of our cheeks, our willingness to make eye contact.

I so prefer the experience of my life with that control switch "off" I wonder why it keeps flipping.

But if I look really closely, I can see that I flip that switch "on" when I'm afraid and allow my vigilance to lapse.

 

[eastern sun]

Oh, I know how you feel. Because I can't just be in Happy Slave Mode without being switched "on", and she doesn't always bother, I feel neglected. It hurts me to know that I have offered everything I have, the very core of myself, and she chooses not to take anything.

Ouch.

I know exactly how you feel. It is really hard to be a "slave" without a Master standing next to you with a whip.

The pure power of the "other" is intoxicating.

Like you, I get very frustrated when I'm left alone for a long period of time. And I get lonely.

But maybe we don't have to be "Happy Slaves." Maybe there's a "Lonely Slave Mode." Or a "Frustrated Slave Mode."

Even though I prefer feeling good, and he prefers it too, I don't think there's anything wrong with being lonely. Or unhappy. Or frightened.

Our feelings will come and go. We just don't stop being "slaves." And that means we cannot escape the reality of our masters.

We are stuck wherever we find ourselves. Until we discover the internal movements that can liberate us.

And though masters can help, simply by being there and being themselves, no master can really free us from ourselves.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I know exactly how you feel. It is really hard to be a "slave" without a Master standing next to you with a whip.

The pure power of the "other" is intoxicating.

Like you, I get very frustrated when I'm left alone for a long period of time. And I get lonely.

But maybe we don't have to be "Happy Slaves." Maybe there's a "Lonely Slave Mode." Or a "Frustrated Slave Mode."

Even though I prefer feeling good, and he prefers it too, I don't think there's anything wrong with being lonely. Or unhappy. Or frightened.

Our feelings will come and go. We just don't stop being "slaves." And that means we cannot escape the reality of our masters.

We are stuck wherever we find ourselves. Until we discover the internal movements that can liberate us.

And though masters can help, simply by being there and being themselves, no master can really free us from ourselves.

I couldn't have said it any better.. Thank you .. I totally relate to this. When I am left alone without contact I get lonely and I miss him and become easily frustrated... and I am then sad cause I feel I let him down... but I totally relate to this posting..

 

[oldsub]

There is an emptiness in a sub/slave with no master. i was a psuedo slave serving only in the fantasies of my mind before my wife found out. Then i found solice in true submission. Doing things truely for her pleasure and comfort alone, without promise of reward or punishment. But as her own "exploration" has waned i find myself with a hole that will never be filled as there will never be anyone other then her.

 

[eastern sun]

He wants me to write about the relationship between improvisation and slavery.

The key to both is saying "yes."

 

[eastern sun]

My new stepmother approached me this morning as I was fixing my daughter's breakfast. "Your dad would like to scrape the ice from your car."

"Oh, thanks. That would be great." I'm going to be taking them to the airport as soon as I drop my daughter off at school. And I'm a little rushed getting ready. I give her the keys to the car, and tell her where to find the scraper.

My father wasn't around when I was growing up. After all these years, I am always surprised and grateful for his help in the little things of life. And I return to the kitchen to prepare my daughter's lunch.

A few minutes later, I glance out the window and see my stepmother scraping the windshield.

I am humbled by the simple grace of her gestures.

 

[eastern sun]

I feel like an aggressive slave today.

I think too much.

I talk too much.

I'm sick of the sound of my own voice.

I'm desperate for a return to the little things.

But I've lost the tiny top to the tobasco sauce.

 

[Homburg]

I think too much.

I don't think that it is possible to think too much. I do think that it is possible to overthink things to often.

Either way, I profit intellectually from the textual results of your thinking/overthinking, so be a doll and don't change

 

[eastern sun]

I don't think that it is possible to think too much. I do think that it is possible to overthink things to often.

Either way, I profit intellectually from the textual results of your thinking/overthinking, so be a doll and don't change

Thank you, Homburg.

And thanks for digging up those links. Re-reading Polly Peachum's essays is always good for me. Better her voice in my head, than my own these days.

 

[Homburg]

Thank you, Homburg.

And thanks for digging up those links. Re-reading Polly Peachum's essays is always good for me. Better her voice in my head, than my own these days.

Quite welcome. There's some great stuff on there. Two articles in particular by Yaldah Tovah MD (kind of amusing as yaldah tovah is what I call MIS sometimes) were just striking. I'm thinking about putting them here on lit.

Even found a picture of Polly.

ETA: Hmm, some interesting things being said about old Polly and her master, Jon. Very interesting. Doesn't necessarily lessen the value of the writing, but interesting nonetheless.

 

[BiBunny]

Sometimes, the desire to serve, when it's an impossibility at the moment, is overwhelming and paralyzing. The need for servitude, when thwarted, is frustrating, maddening, and possibly the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Sometimes, I think even he doesn't understand how deep the need goes. I can't sleep, and when I do, it's fitful, complete with nightmares. I am being denied the one thing in my life that I truly must have to be happy, and I think I'm about to go crazy.

My submissive soul, as he would say, is weary. Very weary.

 

[Bandit58]

I was woken early this morning by a sharp slap on the rump and the demand to "get your head down here".

It was hot, sticky and I was upset from being woken from a relatively sound sleep. It took me a while to get into it. Sir kept giving me little slaps with the crop, I was having trouble breathing through my nose (had to stop and clear it - He allowed it), I was getting overheated and really not enjoying it much.

BUT it's not about me is it....*smile* And just when I thought I could not take it any longer, He came in my mouth, and I smiled....

 

[eastern sun]

Quite welcome. There's some great stuff on there. Two articles in particular by Yaldah Tovah MD (kind of amusing as yaldah tovah is what I call MIS sometimes) were just striking. I'm thinking about putting them here on lit.

Even found a picture of Polly.

ETA: Hmm, some interesting things being said about old Polly and her master, Jon. Very interesting. Doesn't necessarily lessen the value of the writing, but interesting nonetheless.

I've always loved that picture.

What are they saying? I never hear anything these days. . . .

 

[Homburg]

I've always loved that picture.

What are they saying? I never hear anything these days. . . .

That he wrote most of the articles under pen names, that many of the interviews in "Different Loving" are either his pseudonyms or Polly under a pseudonym, that he was working various scams using websites that purported to be personal ads for submissives, but anyone that wanted to contact was advised to talk to him first. Pretty nasty allegations.

ETA: He apparently died a few years back, so it's not like he can rebut. No idea what happened to Polly.

 

[sinnocence]

I know exactly how you feel. It is really hard to be a "slave" without a Master standing next to you with a whip...

Thank you for saying that Eastern Sun. It really describes how I feel a lot of the time. I am in a LDR with my Master and it is often hard to stay in that mindset, for me, because we don't have the physical part of the relationship. Our first meeting will be this summer, so I haven't had any real life experience with Him to draw from. He is my first Master and my first relationship with M/s. He has taught me what I know. He has been the one that has drawn out my submission. I have no previous experiences prior to Him to help me. There are days when I just don't feel like a slave at all and I get this feeling that if He were to suddenly walk in the room, all that would change. He wouldn't even have to stand next to me with a whip. I guess the physical aspect of a relationship is very important to me and without it, I can't fully embrace the slave mindset. But I'm always trying. Thank you for that post and for starting this thread. I've been a lurker from the start.

 

[Adakgirl]

Sometimes, the desire to serve, when it's an impossibility at the moment, is overwhelming and paralyzing. The need for servitude, when thwarted, is frustrating, maddening, and possibly the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

Bi Bunny, Plz allow me to make a suggestion that may help you during times like these. With your Master's permission of course, a good way to feel you are serving him even when he is not with you, when it seems an impossibility to serve him at the time. Is to record private videos of yourself, for him to view at his leisure. The vids you make should have themes of the things he enjoys watching you do.

You can serve him in many ways by doing this. Use your imagination. Then edit as needed. You can save them for him on your PC to watch or e-mail them to him, or even download them onto xtube as private vids... with titles like "a gift for Master" private vids require a secret code you enter and give to him so only he can view them. You both have to join the site but it's free.

If you try this you may find relief from some of the pain you are experiencing.

 

[BiBunny]

Bi Bunny, Plz allow me to make a suggestion that may help you during times like these. With your Master's permission of course, a good way to feel you are serving him even when he is not with you, when it seems an impossibility to serve him at the time. Is to record private videos of yourself, for him to view at his leisure. The vids you make should have themes of the things he enjoys watching you do.

You can serve him in many ways by doing this. Use your imagination. Then edit as needed. You can save them for him on your PC to watch or e-mail them to him, or even download them onto xtube as private vids... with titles like "a gift for Master" private vids require a secret code you enter and give to him so only he can view them. You both have to join the site but it's free.

If you try this you may find relief from some of the pain you are experiencing.

Thank you. I'll talk to him and look into this.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Sometimes, the desire to serve, when it's an impossibility at the moment, is overwhelming and paralyzing. The need for servitude, when thwarted, is frustrating, maddening, and possibly the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

I'm experiencing this kind of frustration and I haven't even submitted to anyone yet.

Now that I have reached a place where I'm mature, self aware, single and emotionally stable enough to seek a dominant playmate/partner, it's like I've suddenly become an impatient child who simply cannot wait any longer. I'm trying to keep myself from pressing and rushing and I know the journey is an end in and of itself. I'm tormenting myself with my fantasies and desires these days. It's like some twisted emotional auto-masochism.

God help the first man I kneel before. Seriously.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you for saying that Eastern Sun. It really describes how I feel a lot of the time. I am in a LDR with my Master and it is often hard to stay in that mindset, for me, because we don't have the physical part of the relationship. Our first meeting will be this summer, so I haven't had any real life experience with Him to draw from. He is my first Master and my first relationship with M/s. He has taught me what I know. He has been the one that has drawn out my submission. I have no previous experiences prior to Him to help me. There are days when I just don't feel like a slave at all and I get this feeling that if He were to suddenly walk in the room, all that would change. He wouldn't even have to stand next to me with a whip. I guess the physical aspect of a relationship is very important to me and without it, I can't fully embrace the slave mindset. But I'm always trying. Thank you for that post and for starting this thread. I've been a lurker from the start.

I know absolutely nothing about your relationship. I have no idea if my own experience is relevant or not. However, I do feel compelled to respond.

I have experienced forms of online devotion, some of which lasted for long periods of time. I have enjoyed ongoing D/s relationships with play partners I meet regularly every few months or so.

Neither of those experiences bears any resemblance to a real life M/s relationship.

In my online relationships, though I was interacting with another person, the "real" relationship was taking place in my mind. I was projecting my fantasies into the interactions. Though many people have successfully transformed online relationships into real life partnerships, I would strongly caution you against committing yourself as a slave to anyone you have not met. You are most likely committing yourself to a fantasy.

Being a slave sucks sometimes. It means putting up with shit you wouldn't ever dream you'd put up with, over and over and over again. It means sacrificing huge chunks of yourself if he requires it. It sometimes means reshaping your dreams of your life, or abandoning them altogether. It can mean putting your life in his hands.

And it can really, really, really hurt. Both physically and emotionally.

You have to know and trust the master you're giving that power to. And though I have been swept off my feet by people I got to know online, they are never who I thought they were. Mostly because (without the face-to-face interaction) I had created them in the first place, using the sound of their voice, their pictures, their words, their ideas, their desires, the way they made me feel. I had created them to reflect what I most wanted to find.

I've always loved the people I got to know online, and continued to love them when we finally met. But the differences between the fantasy stage and the reality stage were striking and undeniable. I would not want to make binding commitments in the throes of the fantasy.

Like I said, I know nothing of your relationship, sinnocence. If I have misinterpreted your situation, please feel free to think I'm full of shit. My cautions are meant for those who are binding themselves to people they meet online, before they have met face-to-face. Don't get blind-sided by your fantasies. Please consider the option that you will wait to see if you want to be his real-life slave until you meet him face-to-face.

 

[intothewoods]

I know absolutely nothing about your relationship. I have no idea if my own experience is relevant or not. However, I do feel compelled to respond.

I have experienced forms of online devotion, some of which lasted for long periods of time. I have enjoyed ongoing D/s relationships with play partners I meet regularly every few months or so.

Neither of those experiences bears any resemblance to a real life M/s relationship.

In my online relationships, though I was interacting with another person, the "real" relationship was taking place in my mind. I was projecting my fantasies into the interactions. Though many people have successfully transformed online relationships into real life partnerships, I would strongly caution you against committing yourself as a slave to anyone you have not met. You are most likely committing yourself to a fantasy.

Being a slave sucks sometimes. It means putting up with shit you wouldn't ever dream you'd put up with, over and over and over again. It means sacrificing huge chunks of yourself if he requires it. It sometimes means reshaping your dreams of your life, or abandoning them altogether. It can mean putting your life in his hands.

And it can really, really, really hurt. Both physically and emotionally.

You have to know and trust the master you're giving that power to. And though I have been swept off my feet by people I got to know online, they are never who I thought they were. Mostly because (without the face-to-face interaction) I had created them in the first place, using the sound of their voice, their pictures, their words, their ideas, their desires, the way they made me feel. I had created them to reflect what I most wanted to find.

I've always loved the people I got to know online, and continued to love them when we finally met. But the differences between the fantasy stage and the reality stage were striking and undeniable. I would not want to make binding commitments in the throes of the fantasy.

Like I said, I know nothing of your relationship, sinnocence. If I have misinterpreted your situation, please feel free to think I'm full of shit. My cautions are meant for those who are binding themselves to people they meet online, before they have met face-to-face. Don't get blind-sided by your fantasies. Please consider the option that you will wait to see if you want to be his real-life slave until you meet him face-to-face.

Well-put, easternsun.

For the heck of it, I'll add that even in real time relationships there is a sort of fantasy-like period I think during the first stage of falling in love with your PYL. It's not that I started refusing to do things, but submitting when everything is super hot and sexually charged is different from submitting when you don't feel like it.

 

[Homburg]

You have to know and trust the master you're giving that power to. And though I have been swept off my feet by people I got to know online, they are never who I thought they were. Mostly because (without the face-to-face interaction) I had created them in the first place, using the sound of their voice, their pictures, their words, their ideas, their desires, the way they made me feel. I had created them to reflect what I most wanted to find.

While I agree very strongly with the overall content and intent of this post (it was largely spot-on), I will say that I've met many people face-to-face that I've gotten to know on line, and very, very few of them were unlike what I expected them to be. Admittedly, I was not meeting them generally under the circumstances you were, but they were still as expected.

The closest I've come to the sort of situation you are referring to was meeting MIS the first time. Prior to meeting her face-to-face, we'd communicated by text, and I'd seen one picture. She'd seen more of me simply because there were/are pics of me here on Lit. Still, she was exactly as I'd imagined. Well, honestly, better than I'd imagined. But insofar as personality, warmth, connection, and how well we 'clicked', she was as presented online.

I do agree that people should be leery of forming binding agreements without having met real time though. I've seen more than one meeting that was greatly anticipated go south very rapidly, as some detail just didn't quite mesh. It's a shame too.

 

[zoe8]

I'm so sad I finally reached the end of this thread. So much wisdom and thought in almost every post. I've been savoring reading through the whole thing.... and I'm considering reading it again. Even though I don't live in a 24/7 relationship a lot of what is in this thread applies to any relationship.

Thank you easternsun for sharing so much about your personal life with us. You are a very patient and intelligent woman.

 

[eastern sun]

While I agree very strongly with the overall content and intent of this post (it was largely spot-on), I will say that I've met many people face-to-face that I've gotten to know on line, and very, very few of them were unlike what I expected them to be. Admittedly, I was not meeting them generally under the circumstances you were, but they were still as expected.

The closest I've come to the sort of situation you are referring to was meeting MIS the first time. Prior to meeting her face-to-face, we'd communicated by text, and I'd seen one picture. She'd seen more of me simply because there were/are pics of me here on Lit. Still, she was exactly as I'd imagined. Well, honestly, better than I'd imagined. But insofar as personality, warmth, connection, and how well we 'clicked', she was as presented online.

I do agree that people should be leery of forming binding agreements without having met real time though. I've seen more than one meeting that was greatly anticipated go south very rapidly, as some detail just didn't quite mesh. It's a shame too.

I'll admit, the "never" was a bit strident. What I was trying to get at, though, is the fact that, even if the real person exceeded my expectations, which they sometimes did, they were not the person I had been interacting with online.

Who knows whether these online selves are more honest, or less honest, than our physical selves. I have loved "eastern sun" for years, simply because "she" is not bound by physical laws.

And, not once, in all my online fantasies, has a cock smelled like sweaty piss when I had to suck it. The fact that it just might when I'm caught between someone's legs makes the reality of the experience all the more pungent and undeniable.

But it's not a fantasy.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I know absolutely nothing about your relationship. I have no idea if my own experience is relevant or not. However, I do feel compelled to respond.

I have experienced forms of online devotion, some of which lasted for long periods of time. I have enjoyed ongoing D/s relationships with play partners I meet regularly every few months or so.

Neither of those experiences bears any resemblance to a real life M/s relationship.

<snip>

Like I said, I know nothing of your relationship, sinnocence. If I have misinterpreted your situation, please feel free to think I'm full of shit. My cautions are meant for those who are binding themselves to people they meet online, before they have met face-to-face. Don't get blind-sided by your fantasies. Please consider the option that you will wait to see if you want to be his real-life slave until you meet him face-to-face.

I am sinnocence's Owner and Master. While I agree whole heartedly with the overall message of your post about taking things slow with someone you met online, I can assure you that your experiences do not apply to Us.