the marks of a slave

[VelvetDarkness]

I've been turning this one over and over in my head for the last couple of weeks, and I'm venting here. I apologize in advance.

Sometimes I'm irrational.

I know he's human and prone to normal human emotions. I know he has a lot more on his plate to worry about than a whiny slave. I know he has responsibilities that are more important than me. I know all these things.

But I also know that I have SO much more to give him. Sometimes, he acts like he wants it, needs it, in fact. Sometimes--like now--, he acts like he doesn't give a shit.

I know, I know. He has other responsibilities. He has other priorities. But it still hurts. I need more than this. Sometimes I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm one of your responsibilities, too, dammit!" I feel like in my need to feel some tangible sign of his control, I'm pushing him farther away. It's not conducive to fixing things at all.

Trying to sit back, shut up and take it is leading to me attention-whoring all the time. I know it's getting on his nerves. It's getting on MY nerves. I'm trying my best not to, but it's making me crazy. But he's the Master. He can control me as much or as little as he wants, I suppose. It's just that when it wanes like this, I feel like he doesn't care enough to try to fix it. And probably the more I push the issue, the less motivated he feels to do anything about it.

I'll be spending some time with him soon. I hope we can iron out our problems then. I just feel myself falling deeper and deeper in servitude, and I need some assurance of the security of my position, I suppose.

All right, I'm done complaining. Back to work.

I can relate to how you're feeling here. Master uses attention and a lack there of as means of control and of dominance. He might demand my attention and service when I'm busy and stressed or doing something I enjoy and it's really just to reinforce the fact that my needs and wants will always come a long way second to his. He will also ignore me at times, not blank me but deny me attention that I'm clearly craving, to prove that I do not get to decide what my needs are. He often has friends round to play music and/or computer games and unless refreshments are required, I keep out of their way. It's his guy time. I may go to see my own friends or I might just retire up to the bedroom with my laptop or a book (oh the wonders of wifi). Even when he's playing computer games or the guitar alone, I don't usually interfere or make any demands on his attention.

I know this probably isn't exactly what you meant. Master and I cohabit so it's rarely possible for us not to see enough of each other and occasionally, we both need a bit of space. I can relate to wanting attention and being denied though, often specifically to make me feel unimportant and presumptuous.

It's a hard thing for me to become accepting of, even now when I know how much he loves me and wants me to spend my life as his. Conventional notions of love are very much bound up in things like attention and affection. Our dynamic throws that yardstick for love out of the window. I give attention whenever it is demanded of me and he responds according to his mood, when he wants to give attention but rarely is what he thinks I want/need his first concern. It's just another facet of our lives together where the concept of fairness and quid pro quo is null and void. It's actually impacting on me now in that I feel I want/need attention less often and am more than content with the time he chooses to be loving and affectionate. I too have more serenity and I do actually believe I am more secure as a slave as a result.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

What makes you think he cares whether you're manipulative or not? Slaves have been tricksters forever.

Do you think that's just because the slaves are so smart? Don't be so naive-- or vain.

Just give him what he wants. Get what you want

Oh. And one more question I'd like you to please answer:

"Why on earth would you think your Dom is so trifling he would care about whether he is manipulated or not?"

It's funny ES, but this Master of yours sounds like a real prick.

It would never occur to me to put my woman on orgasm denial.

Orgasm restriction, sure. "You may only come the way I allow because we both know it's gonna be so fucking good."

But orgasm denial. Who gains from that?

The things that would 'never occur to you' are quite probably limitless.

You clearly don't get any of this at all.

Fair enough but snarky little posts like this drop bad feeling into what is actually a very positive thread and make you look like a prize asshole. If you don't get this thread, fuck off and post elsewhere.

Nobody cares whether you get it or not, certainly not with your attitude. I've tried to persuade myself that in a clumsy, arrogant fashion you are actually seeking knowledge but you have officially lost the benefit of the doubt. What you are doing is trolling this thread and it's a sad, pathetic, juvenile way to spend your time.

*click*

Ahh... blissful IGNORE-ance. I can see why the trolls and HNGs all cling to it.

 

[eastern sun]

The things that would 'never occur to you' are quite probably limitless.

You clearly don't get any of this at all.

Fair enough but snarky little posts like this drop bad feeling into what is actually a very positive thread and make you look like a prize asshole. If you don't get this thread, fuck off and post elsewhere.

Nobody cares whether you get it or not, certainly not with your attitude. I've tried to persuade myself that in a clumsy, arrogant fashion you are actually seeking knowledge but you have officially lost the benefit of the doubt. What you are doing is trolling this thread and it's a sad, pathetic, juvenile way to spend your time.

*click*

Ahh... blissful IGNORE-ance. I can see why the trolls and HNGs all cling to it.

I don't know, Velvet. I like his comments. They drop like bombs, and shake up the landscape. I'm not always sure how to respond. But he stops me in my tracks, and makes me think of things from a different perspective.

 

[oldsub]

Right now my serenity comes from my belief in true submission. That I do not do things for Mistress to earn rewards but rather for her pleasure, to make her day easier, out of my love for her. It is what I hold onto as she does not embrace the fetish side of D/s, but that she does not, doesn't make me any less a submissive. For now my rewards are mostly vanilla in nature but there is more peace within the household too.

 

[eastern sun]

Right now my serenity comes from my belief in true submission. That I do not do things for Mistress to earn rewards but rather for her pleasure, to make her day easier, out of my love for her. It is what I hold onto as she does not embrace the fetish side of D/s, but that she does not, doesn't make me any less a submissive. For now my rewards are mostly vanilla in nature but there is more peace within the household too.

Me too.

Especially with kids in the house, and jobs, and PTA meetings, and school projects, and birthdays, we have a hard time finding time alone for the kinky stuff. (I can't tell you the number of times we have woken my daughter up in the middle of the night. A real mood-breaker is watching him run out of the bedroom to catch her before she opens the door and sees the position I'm in.) We go days, even weeks, with just the undercurrent in place.

But the opportunities for service, for giving pleasure, are limitless.

In the beginning, I wanted to be rewarded for each act on my part. But it wasn't until my efforts went largely unnoticed and unappreciated for a long period of time, that I realized it isn't about getting a reward.

Have you ever tried putting quarters in parking meters to save a stranger from a ticket? It's a great practice if you want to be generous but your ego is still engaged. No one will ever know, or appreciate, that you helped them.

I did that years before I was willing to let my actions go unnoticed in my own home.

 

[eastern sun]

It hit me last night as I was lying in bed. I am a slave. I have no idea where it came from. He's been telling me this all along, but I always hated it about myself. But he's right. I'm a slave. It's my responsibility to give him everything I have to give. It's not his responsibility to come take it from me because I'm too chicken to admit to myself what I am.

I've had an inner serenity today that I've never felt before. I feel like I've transcended in some ways, like I've finally been able to see past the veil of maya, of illusion. I know what's real and what isn't now. And this is real like nothing else in the world.

Next time I serve, it won't be with conflicting inner emotions. Some time last night, I made peace with myself. I will serve with all of myself, with every bit of my slave's heart. There's nothing to fear now. I will take the next step and not be afraid.

I can't seem to stop smiling now. I am a slave. I am HIS slave.

What he wants to experience is this open heart, I think. It's very playful, spontaneous, generous and loving.

It's this open heart that is empty and able to be filled.

It's this open heart that allows him to exist fully, in his glory, in your presence.

It's this open heart that is able to love without expectations. Unconditionally. Freely given.

It's this open heart that will bring you happiness.

It will also come and go. Open and close. Ebb and flow. Like breath. Like life.

But don't be discouraged.

Once you glimpse truth, it remains true even if you've lost sight of it.

 

[redslady]

I finally understand my parent’s relationship. I remember one visit when my mother and I were looking through some old photos when my father called from the kitchen for her to pour his tea, I got angry that she stopped what she was doing and did what he wanted. When I said that it wasn’t right for her to wait on him she just gave me the most beautiful smile and said “it’s who we are my love” Now I get it... too late to tell her but thanks to you and your thread I do get it.

 

[eastern sun]

I finally understand my parent’s relationship. I remember one visit when my mother and I were looking through some old photos when my father called from the kitchen for her to pour his tea, I got angry that she stopped what she was doing and did what he wanted. When I said that it wasn’t right for her to wait on him she just gave me the most beautiful smile and said “it’s who we are my love” Now I get it... too late to tell her but thanks to you and your thread I do get it.

I love this image. I can imagine her smile. And the tone of her voice.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

 

[eastern sun]

Serenity - the state of being calm, peaceful, untroubled

Equanimity - mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation

Contentment - a state of happiness and satisfaction

Slave - a person who is the legal property of another and forced to obey them. a person who works very hard without proper remuneration or appreciation. a person who is excessively dependent upon or controlled by something.

 

[Homburg]

I've had an inner serenity today that I've never felt before. I feel like I've transcended in some ways, like I've finally been able to see past the veil of maya, of illusion. I know what's real and what isn't now. And this is real like nothing else in the world.

Perfect choice of phrasing here. There is nothing quite like that moment when you see past illusion to what is truly real.

Happy for you, BB

(Also very happy to see you talk about maya, the world illusion. I spent a long time studying hindu philosophy and theology. I still have these concepts, phrases, bits of sanskrit, and thought patterns cruising my mind. Of all the things that I learned while taking a degree in philosophy, the Hindu and Ch'an Buddhist thought were what has stuck with me the most. Incredible stuff.)

 

[Bandit58]

The things that would 'never occur to you' are quite probably limitless.

You clearly don't get any of this at all.

Fair enough but snarky little posts like this drop bad feeling into what is actually a very positive thread and make you look like a prize asshole. If you don't get this thread, fuck off and post elsewhere.

Nobody cares whether you get it or not, certainly not with your attitude. I've tried to persuade myself that in a clumsy, arrogant fashion you are actually seeking knowledge but you have officially lost the benefit of the doubt. What you are doing is trolling this thread and it's a sad, pathetic, juvenile way to spend your time.

*click*

Ahh... blissful IGNORE-ance. I can see why the trolls and HNGs all cling to it.

Velvet, I don't "get" a lot of this either but this thread has helped me gain some perspective of being in a 24/7 TPE M/s relationship.

Although Sir and I are 24/7, we are not M/s but D/s - He doesn't micromanage, or do things "just because He can", or to "keep me in my place". Homburg said it best a few pages back, when he said:

Some folks see M/s as sort of "taking it to the next level" in BDSM, and it just isn't. It's like riding a horse instead of taking a car. Similar concepts, and they will more or less get you to the same places, but the experience along the way is vastly different. And, wow, that experience would suck for someone unless that life called to them with a need they could not ignore.

I don't think my submission is somehow "lesser", because it's expressed differently to how eastern sun or Velvet express theirs. And Bunny's last post, where she talks about finally accepting herself as a slave, made me smile I have struggled with my submission as well, I wondered for years if I was wrong or weird to feel the way I did. These last 5 years with Sir, despite all the health worries, have been the happiest of my entire life. I can be ME.

I'm going to continue to read, and ask questions

 

[myinnerslut]

I'm going to continue to read, and ask questions

please do. i enjoy reading what you write. you are a very intelligent person with a lot to offer in a discussion, and personal experiences to draw from that make your posts all the more interesting.

 

[BiBunny]

Perfect choice of phrasing here. There is nothing quite like that moment when you see past illusion to what is truly real.

Happy for you, BB

(Also very happy to see you talk about maya, the world illusion. I spent a long time studying hindu philosophy and theology. I still have these concepts, phrases, bits of sanskrit, and thought patterns cruising my mind. Of all the things that I learned while taking a degree in philosophy, the Hindu and Ch'an Buddhist thought were what has stuck with me the most. Incredible stuff.)

I think I have this weird Bunny spirituality that mixes Unitarian Christianity and a whole lot of Hinduism. Which is funny because I grew up Southern Baptist. Seriously, that's the only way I could describe it. I was lying there staring up at the ceiling, and the veil just fell away. I saw that there's this purpose for me in life, and HE is it. No matter how hard it is, this is the road I'm meant to take, and fighting against it will only make it worse.

I don't want to fight anymore.

He's already noticed the change. "I'm glad you're finally not afraid of me anymore," he said. I think it's the change he's been waiting for.

What he wants to experience is this open heart, I think. It's very playful, spontaneous, generous and loving.

It's this open heart that is empty and able to be filled.

It's this open heart that allows him to exist fully, in his glory, in your presence.

It's this open heart that is able to love without expectations. Unconditionally. Freely given.

It's this open heart that will bring you happiness.

It will also come and go. Open and close. Ebb and flow. Like breath. Like life.

But don't be discouraged.

Once you glimpse truth, it remains true even if you've lost sight of it.

It is what he wanted. It just took me forever to see it. He's waited a long time for me to finally get my head in the right place. It's about time I did. This man deserves nothing less.

I know it'll wax and wane from time to time, but the place of love and devotion that it comes from isn't going anywhere.

The realization comes in large part from some of the things I've read in this thread. I read the whole thing all over again, top to bottom, that night. So thank you to all who have contributed.

 

[Bandit58]

He's already noticed the change. "I'm glad you're finally not afraid of me anymore," he said. I think it's the change he's been waiting for.

Bunny, were you afraid of him, or were you afraid of yourself and what you were feeling?

I had that fear but I wasn't afraid of Sir and what He might do, it was more "wow I must be really strange and weird to feel what I'm feeling right now." It took a lot of reading and soul searching for me to realise that I wasn't weird and disgusting for enjoying the things we did, or for feeling happy to be serving Him in and out of the bedroom, or for feeling like letting the side down in regards to feminism and what women have fought for over the years.

It didn't help that I have led a very sheltered life up until I left my ex husband in 2002. My eyes have been well and truly opened over the last few years!

 

[Kajira Callista]

It hit me last night as I was lying in bed. I am a slave. I have no idea where it came from. He's been telling me this all along, but I always hated it about myself. But he's right. I'm a slave. It's my responsibility to give him everything I have to give. It's not his responsibility to come take it from me because I'm too chicken to admit to myself what I am.

I've had an inner serenity today that I've never felt before. I feel like I've transcended in some ways, like I've finally been able to see past the veil of maya, of illusion. I know what's real and what isn't now. And this is real like nothing else in the world.

Next time I serve, it won't be with conflicting inner emotions. Some time last night, I made peace with myself. I will serve with all of myself, with every bit of my slave's heart. There's nothing to fear now. I will take the next step and not be afraid.

I can't seem to stop smiling now. I am a slave. I am HIS slave.

Not much makes me smile these days. This did

 

[BiBunny]

Bunny, were you afraid of him, or were you afraid of yourself and what you were feeling?

I had that fear but I wasn't afraid of Sir and what He might do, it was more "wow I must be really strange and weird to feel what I'm feeling right now." It took a lot of reading and soul searching for me to realise that I wasn't weird and disgusting for enjoying the things we did, or for feeling happy to be serving Him in and out of the bedroom, or for feeling like letting the side down in regards to feminism and what women have fought for over the years.

It didn't help that I have led a very sheltered life up until I left my ex husband in 2002. My eyes have been well and truly opened over the last few years!

I was afraid of myself. It bled over into being afraid of him because he acts like a mirror to me. He makes me see myself for what I am, whether I like it or not. But now that I'm not afraid of what I am anymore, I don't have to be afraid of him revealing it to me, either.

Not much makes me smile these days. This did

I'm glad.

 

[eastern sun]

Narcissus' pool

Some days, I am fascinated, and I want to just sit and stare. For hours. I see myself reflected in you. I see you see yourself reflected in me. I lean into this communal pool, hoping to catch a glimpse of the depths, and end up drowning myself when I fall.

Some days, I turn away, restless and bored by how mundane it all seems when it's caught in this web of words.

Today, it's snowing outside.

My orgasms are still locked in his fist.

 

[Adakgirl]

Slave - a person who is the legal property of another and forced to obey them. a person who works very hard without proper remuneration or appreciation.

This strikes me as funny that you would quote or say this eastern sun. I see it more like this.

Slave- A person who is the legal property of another and WANTS to obey them. A person who works very hard without the NEED for proper remuneration or OUTWARD SIGNS AND TOKENS of appreciation.

 

[Adakgirl]

I lean into this communal pool, hoping to catch a glimpse of the depths, and end up drowning myself when I fall.

aHHH you should well know that this pool is a bottomless one, dear woman. We certainly well know that you will always choose to swim to the surface, rather than sink in it and drown.

You crack me up sometimes! Smile wize lady, breath it in, you are living the kind of life that some of us can only dream of living! Fer gosh sakes!

 

[eastern sun]

This strikes me as funny that you would quote or say this eastern sun. I see it more like this.

Slave- A person who is the legal property of another and WANTS to obey them. A person who works very hard without the NEED for proper remuneration or OUTWARD SIGNS AND TOKENS of appreciation.

Just between us, I don't think I should change the original quote.

You'd be surprised how often I don't want to obey him.

And I still think I need signs and tokens.


It's just irrelevant.

 

[eastern sun]

He had the day off on Wednesday.

I had obligations at our children's school. So he planned to spend the day relaxing in the city, and didn't expect me to join him.

I offered him a ride, but having just worked nine consecutive days, he didn't want to rush anywhere. He suggested that if I was leaving when he was ready, he'd come with me.

A difficult moment presented itself. Do I have time to wait? It will delay me an hour or more. And I really don't know. Maybe I do.

I always hate those moments. When I don't know for certain. And he's fine with whatever choice I make.

So he steps into the shower. And I feel anxious.

Uncomfortable, I decide to leave, and fill my head with my own agenda to ward off the feelings of conflict. I counter the anxiety with the pleasurable anticipation of checking things off my to do list.

We say good-bye, (he's happy and relaxed, and really doesn't care what I do), and I drive off, stopping briefly at my studio around the corner to pick up additional supplies. I discover they've changed the locks to the basement, and I can't access my storage area. Which means I can't get the supplies until I get a key.

I return to the car, frustrated, but think, hey, maybe he's ready. I'll call and see if he wants a ride. I call three different phones. No answer.

Ok, I figure I'll get a cup of coffee on the corner, and try to call again. As I pull up to the corner, I realize my wallet is missing.

I return home. He's out of the shower, but still needs to make a few phone calls.

I look for my wallet. I retrace my steps. I talk to people on the block. I search in the garbage cans. There is only one possible explanation. While my van was parked outside the studio, while I rummaged around in crates and bins, my wallet was stolen from where it sat on the front seat of an unlocked car.

He's finished his calls, and as he packs his backpack, I call the bank, the credit card company, records are checked, accounts are closed.

As I hang up the phone, he's ready to go.

I drive him to his destination, and realize that if I had just waited, I'd still have my wallet.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

This is just an incredible thread. I've really enjoyed reading through it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Once you glimpse truth, it remains true even if you've lost sight of it.

This stopped me in my tracks. Thank you for saying it.

Homburg said it best a few pages back, when he said:

Thank you for pointing out that quote....it made a lot of things clear to me.

I was afraid of myself. It bled over into being afraid of him because he acts like a mirror to me. He makes me see myself for what I am, whether I like it or not. But now that I'm not afraid of what I am anymore, I don't have to be afraid of him revealing it to me, either.

It's difficult to give up that fear but it is a great thing once it happens. I'm so silly though....I will let it go and then run after it to grasp it again. Fear of the unknown can make me do some silly things.


This thread has really made me think today. It's pretty much stopped me in my tracks.

 

[eastern sun]

I used to think truth was relative.

That your truth was different than mine. That my truth changed from moment to moment, depending on the circumstances. It led me to believe in nothing, because I couldn't find anything that wasn't subject to changing conditions and shifting perspectives.

My life was transformed when I began to contemplate the notion that nonetheless, there are truths that are true. That are true for both you and me. That remain true for me through time. I began searching for them.

And my early discoveries were very concrete.

In the beginning, the only thing I could state with absolute certainty were the facts of my experience. I wasn't sure about my opinions, my education, your opinions, my interpretations of your opinions, my interpretations of my experience. The only thing I could rely on were the simple facts. i.e. I am sitting in a chair, typing words on a keyboard. It was a beginning. And it was revolutionary.

It gave me a direct experience of the present moment. Of my life. Just as it is. Not as I wish it to be. Not as I fear it will be. Not as it compares to yours. Not as it compares to mine. Just as it is.

And settling into that "truth," the undeniable truth of my immediate experience, was the beginning of a journey that has led me here.

Your truth may still be different from mine, because your experience is different than mine. But the truth of your experience is as true as the truth of mine, in exactly the same way.

In the midst of changing circumstances and shifting perspectives, we all know truth when we see it. We feel its weight. Its undeniable reality.

And it is liberating. Expansive. And completely free.

Thus spoke the slave.

 

[eastern sun]

He doesn't agree. He read my last post and said, "Epiphanies may represent momentary self-revelation. They almost never reflect real change.

"Do what you're supposed to do. Then go to sleep."