the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

You might want to give that a shot. And I'm not being snide when I say that. That sort of earnest consternation and regret means something to me when it is shown. It may well mean something to him too.

Yes. Thank you. It was clear to me too as soon as I wrote it.

I'm finding my way home again. Baby steps. Taking care to do each little thing right. Shifting priorities. It's a small but significant thing, the order in which things happen.

 

[Homburg]

I'm finding my way home again.

All that matters

 

[eastern sun]

Do you mean that you hide the intimate, D/s relationship? Or that the interactions are separate?

At this point, we hide the intimate, D/s relationship from our kids. Since it's an undercurrent in our relationship, they must catch glimpses that go unexplained. Ways I respond to a look. Our body language. Attitudes. But generally speaking we act more like mom and dad around them, than slave and master.

I spend more time alone with the kids, than we do all together as a family. During that time, they witness me as an individual. Dad is still there, an external authority figure we must all respect, but we are interacting primarily as mother and children.

It's tricky sometimes in the transition from being alone with them, when I need to be authoritative and in control, to being together as a group. We all know that we'll follow Dad's lead, but Dad often has to take into account circumstances beyond his control (school projects due tomorrow! lessons, birthday parties, football practice, etc. etc.) I imagine he rarely feels like he's able to chart the course of his time at home exactly as he would wish.

I've been working for years to make these transitions from mom to slave relatively seamless, but there have been some pretty clumsy times. At one stage, after we'd spent many years living and working together, he'd taken a new job, and I was very anxious while he was gone. I spent the time he was at work preparing for his next arrival. Which meant enlisting the kids in whatever I thought was his highest priority of the day - i.e. housecleaning, exercise, socializing.

During that time, if the kids asked for something at the store, like candy, I would stop and look at them, completely confused, trying to figure out if he would like them to have it, and mumbling, "I'll have to ask dad." until one day when my little daughter said, "why can't you decide, mom?"

In that moment, I didn't feel like I was a very good role model for my daughter. And when I spoke to him about it later, I learned that he expected me to take care of the kids, that he thought I understood what they needed better than him, and that it was never his desire to micro-manage the family.

I was astonished. First, because it was so clear that I had completely missed the boat, even when I thought I was being so attentive to his needs and desires. And, second, because in being given this responsibility so concretely, I had just been given a tremendous freedom that caught me by surprise.

It is initially how I learned the fundamental difference between trying to serve someone, and actually doing it.

Oh, and then I've gone too far in the other direction, like when the kids figured out they could get something out of me they couldn't get out of dad (i.e. candy, or soda on vacation). He's found that very frustrating, as you can imagine.

The long and short of it is . . . our D/s relationship exists as an undercurrent, shaping our interactions, and giving rise to a million shared jokes and reprimands that go right over the kids' heads (we think).

But it also leads to exactly the type of experiences that I've described in this thread - moments like the one in the restaurant when he eats off my plate. To any casual observer, including our kids, it would probably go unnoticed, but to us this tiny gesture makes me his "slave."

 

[eastern sun]

Today I was driving with Mister Man, and we had this conversation, smiling though. Half kidding, half not.

He said, are you going to Event X?
Me: Maybe one night. In this year of fiscal responsibility. One night.
Him: Okay, we need to discuss what you can't do. Which is just about everything.
Me: What happened to impact play is ok?
Him: Well, the closer we get to marriage etcetera, I am no longer comfortable with all that.
Me: Okayyy. So you are changing your mind? Or you always felt that way?
Him: My feelings are changing. And YOU ARE MY PROPERTY.
Me: Property? Well, if I'm your property, then I think it's fair that you take a more active role in your property - more discipline, more D/s.
Him: My property should stop going out when I have free time for that.
Me: What? I so rarely go out!
Him: I think my property should be quiet and do as she is told!
Me: Hmph.

Heh heh. I liked it. And I think I am being extremely reasonable. But you see? I'm always negotiating. This is so not slave-like. But I liked being called his property all the same.

I love this.

P.S. You'll know you're a slave when you shut up before you're told to.

 

[Netzach]

I'm following this because it's endlessly fascinating, but it cements for me the notion that it's SO GOOD that my submissive instinct is not played out with a primary partner.

Making a career of art is impossible enough for me without having to check in with someone else for further insanity, heh.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Chuckle

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Him: I'm just going to have tinned soup, I'll warm it up.

So my Master (who is dieting) warms his soup and I make myself tomato & basil pasta. He eats the soup and then half my pasta when my back's turned.

Me: I thought you just wanted soup.
Him: I never just want soup, I was trying to be good. Anyway should have learned by now that what's yours is mine.
Me: I don't believe you, whenever I offer you my leftovers, you get all virtuous and turn me down but as soon as I leave a plate unattended you want what's on it.
Him: I would have thought that was obvious. Where would we be if I did what you wanted?

Masters!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I stole an orgasm. I didn't get his laundry done. I cooked dinners he didn't like, and served them either too early or too late. We haven't had a conversation about anything, profound or mundane, in days. I haven't read the script he wanted me to read, and took great effort to procure while I was gone. I've fallen asleep hours before him, and we avoid touching each other when he finally does come to bed. I left him with the kids (for three days) while I went off on my own to participate in an artists' workshop. after just getting home from a vacation he didn't have. He bought tickets for me to take my son to a Broadway show, and I didn't go. The house looks like a hurricane passed through it. I told him to get off my computer. (Can you believe it? I think that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. He became downright angry after that. . . .) I lost his last painkiller.

And now he has to work 8 or 9 consecutive days without a break.

I don't know why he's upset.



P.S. I did get the right soy sauce last Wednesday. And he made a special point to thank me.

(It was after that high point of the week that I stole the orgasm off my fist after reading a forced marriage sex scene in "A Thousand Splendid Suns." I was left screaming into my pillow, but it didn't do a thing for him.)

P.P.S. And I did make one good dinner - red snapper, delicious. But that was way back on Monday a week ago - a distant memory of times gone by.

P.P.P.S. I think the moral of the story is "don't let your slave take vacations"



Look at that, I'm still not taking responsibility! "He shouldn't have let me go!" she whines, "If he hadn't let me go, then I wouldn't have become such a brat!" Maybe I really am mad at him for not letting me cum when I got back from the trip. . . . I was so glad to see him. And so frustrated. . . . See, there I go again, pointing yet another finger . . . .

I have just been given the opportunities of a lifetime. I have visited remote corners of the earth where very few people have even set foot. I have worked with artists I have respected for twenty years, and never thought I'd have the chance to learn from.

I should be on my knees, thanking him for the chance to pursue these dreams of mine, which he readily supported.

I should be on my knees.

Oh dear. I have to say I am also not very good at orgasm denial. He has been known to order me to wear love eggs all day and still not come, which is a total impossibility for me unless I walk everywhere very slowly. Orgasm denial is not something I bear for very long with good grace.

I went away to Lille for a few days last year, just by myself. It was a great experience but I did find it hard to step back into my slave shoes after so much freedom and autonomy. That was a very bad week service-wise and I paid for it when he decided to micro-manage me the following week (something I hate and find really hard not to fight and rebel against) to teach me a lesson.

 

[eastern sun]

Oh dear. I have to say I am also not very good at orgasm denial. He has been known to order me to wear love eggs all day and still not come, which is a total impossibility for me unless I walk everywhere very slowly. Orgasm denial is not something I bear for very long with good grace.

I went away to Lille for a few days last year, just by myself. It was a great experience but I did find it hard to step back into my slave shoes after so much freedom and autonomy. That was a very bad week service-wise and I paid for it when he decided to micro-manage me the following week (something I hate and find really hard not to fight and rebel against) to teach me a lesson.

Thanks, Velvet. This is the first time I've taken my kids somewhere other than my family's without him. (and somehow it's not that hard to keep my slave shoes on with my family )

Given the circumstances on this last trip though (foreign countries, challenging physical environments with real dangers, a delicate social environment where my kids were not immediately welcomed and/or appreciated) I became super-controlling with my kids. Fluid. Flexible. But in control of every moment.

In hindsight, there are aspects of the trip I would have enjoyed more if I'd been relaxed. On the other hand, my kids were given a much-deserved thumbs-up at the end of the journey. And I felt like we'd successfully negotiated a minefield.

I quite consciously began the shift on the plane, and then jumped whole hog into my "slave shoes" in the first days back. He responded with a strength he doesn't always bother to exercise. And my heart sang to be back with him.

But I don't think I'd actually turned the controls "off."

Does anybody else perceive the controls as an on/off switch? In other words, it's not a continuum of being more or less in control. You're either "on" or "off."

My experience is that whereas turning it "on" is fairly clear and dramatic, switching to the "off" position is this gentle little internal movement, a kind of subtle surrender, that then radiates outward smoothly and without restriction.

Because it's subtle, I can think I'm doing it by performing certain physical activities, while all the while, I'm still keeping that "on" switch on. I'm trying to achieve a certain outcome. I'm trying to be a certain kind of "slave." My will is engaged and (once engaged) potentially in conflict with his at any moment.

So, I'm trying my damnedest to do what he's asking of me and failing supremely because I'm not in fact accomplishing the baseline itself, and therefore whatever I actually succeeded in doing was almost never what he wanted.

I never tried to fight him. I wasn't trying to fail. I wasn't even trying to rub my frustration in his face. I was actually trying to be a good "slave." I just hadn't turned the controls "off."

It wasn't until I wrote that list that I stood outside myself and got perspective on what I was doing. I had been in a kind of internal conflict that was completely obstructing both my vision and my actions. I literally couldn't see clearly enough to make things happen.

Yesterday, as I was writing that post with all the postscripts, I could feel the very small internal change occur and I knew I was back on track. . . .

 

[eastern sun]

I'm following this because it's endlessly fascinating, but it cements for me the notion that it's SO GOOD that my submissive instinct is not played out with a primary partner.

Making a career of art is impossible enough for me without having to check in with someone else for further insanity, heh.

The funny thing, Netzach, is that this grounds me.

Our lives are much less chaotic now than they used to be. I think because we've made conscious something that was largely unconscious and therefore prone to eruptions.

On the other hand, I have to be careful. As an artist, I can use our relationship to sabotage my own creative productivity if I want to. And I do. And that isn't what he wants me to do.

 

[intothewoods]

<snip>

Does anybody else perceive the controls as an on/off switch? In other words, it's not a continuum of being more or less in control. You're either "on" or "off."

Yes! Totally. When we met and through most of our relationship to date, our time was separate from time with my kid. I did not introduce him until recently. So for all of that time, I suppose it was quite clear and easy when the dynamic was on. I thought it might be weird when I integrated mom-me and lover/gf-me, but I was wrong. It wasn't weird at all. Again, there is a certain built-in separateness there, since I am the parent. So we will see what happens in the next phase.

I love this.

P.S. You'll know you're a slave when you shut up before you're told to.

Yes, then I will have arrived. If I could only learn this with all persons in my life, I think, though I'm better now than I was ten years ago.

 

[myinnerslut]

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Him: I'm just going to have tinned soup, I'll warm it up.

So my Master (who is dieting) warms his soup and I make myself tomato & basil pasta. He eats the soup and then half my pasta when my back's turned.

Me: I thought you just wanted soup.
Him: I never just want soup, I was trying to be good. Anyway should have learned by now that what's yours is mine.
Me: I don't believe you, whenever I offer you my leftovers, you get all virtuous and turn me down but as soon as I leave a plate unattended you want what's on it.
Him: I would have thought that was obvious. Where would we be if I did what you wanted?

Masters!

the other day we realized it had gotten late and Master and i still hadnt eaten dinner. we went to the local grocery store and got some quik stuff for food. i got a rather large tray of macaroni and cheese (my favorite) figureing i could eat the rest for lunch the next day as well as feed the kidlets lunch.

the next day roles around. some of the mac and cheese gets portioned out to the three year old for lunch. i wasnt feeling well so i only had a small amount to see if it would bother my stomach. since i was feeling fine, i went back for more.

i walked into the kitchen to find Master leaning against the counter. the macaroni and cheese i had left out was gone. i looked in the fridge to see if it was put back yet and it wasnt there either.

Master:what are you looking for?
me: the rest of the macoaroni and cheese
Master: you finished it all
me: i did not. i only took a small amount to see if it would bother me.
Master: no you didn't. you finished it all.

at this point i glanced at the trash and saw the empty container. glance back at Master with a huge grin on his face.

me: *glare* yes, Master

 

[eastern sun]

the other day we realized it had gotten late and Master and i still hadnt eaten dinner. we went to the local grocery store and got some quik stuff for food. i got a rather large tray of macaroni and cheese (my favorite) figureing i could eat the rest for lunch the next day as well as feed the kidlets lunch.

the next day roles around. some of the mac and cheese gets portioned out to the three year old for lunch. i wasnt feeling well so i only had a small amount to see if it would bother my stomach. since i was feeling fine, i went back for more.

i walked into the kitchen to find Master leaning against the counter. the macaroni and cheese i had left out was gone. i looked in the fridge to see if it was put back yet and it wasnt there either.

Master:what are you looking for?
me: the rest of the macoaroni and cheese
Master: you finished it all
me: i did not. i only took a small amount to see if it would bother me.
Master: no you didn't. you finished it all.

at this point i glanced at the trash and saw the empty container. glance back at Master with a huge grin on his face.

me: *glare* yes, Master

And then. . . the three year old wants more, and you have to tell him you ate it all.

It's funny. My kids expect that Dad will finish off the last of the noodles, or rice, or whatever. But if I do . . . they feel deeply betrayed, and might even cry.

 

[BiBunny]

I've been turning this one over and over in my head for the last couple of weeks, and I'm venting here. I apologize in advance.

Sometimes I'm irrational.

I know he's human and prone to normal human emotions. I know he has a lot more on his plate to worry about than a whiny slave. I know he has responsibilities that are more important than me. I know all these things.

But I also know that I have SO much more to give him. Sometimes, he acts like he wants it, needs it, in fact. Sometimes--like now--, he acts like he doesn't give a shit.

I know, I know. He has other responsibilities. He has other priorities. But it still hurts. I need more than this. Sometimes I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm one of your responsibilities, too, dammit!" I feel like in my need to feel some tangible sign of his control, I'm pushing him farther away. It's not conducive to fixing things at all.

Trying to sit back, shut up and take it is leading to me attention-whoring all the time. I know it's getting on his nerves. It's getting on MY nerves. I'm trying my best not to, but it's making me crazy. But he's the Master. He can control me as much or as little as he wants, I suppose. It's just that when it wanes like this, I feel like he doesn't care enough to try to fix it. And probably the more I push the issue, the less motivated he feels to do anything about it.

I'll be spending some time with him soon. I hope we can iron out our problems then. I just feel myself falling deeper and deeper in servitude, and I need some assurance of the security of my position, I suppose.

All right, I'm done complaining. Back to work.

 

[Wolfspet]

Does anybody else perceive the controls as an on/off switch? In other words, it's not a continuum of being more or less in control. You're either "on" or "off."

Yes. Wolf and I have been friends for nearly twice as long as we've been a couple, and a couple almost twice as long as she's been my Owner. This has led to some peculiar challenges.

When we are mindful -- when she wishes -- I am "on". As our relationship stands, it's terribly difficult for me to remain "on" without any support from her. There has always been a low level of submission from me; that's always been a part of our dynamic. But we work in the same place, and she doesn't want any D/s to leak out into our workplace. Sometimes when we come home, she just wants to watch tv and couldn't care less what I'm doing, so she doesn't bother to switch me "on", so to speak. Currently, I am unable to do it myself.

This distresses me most of the time. Occasionally, I'm relieved to have so much free time. (Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being an attention ho. Whaaaaaaaah!) On the other hand, I wonder how long it would take me to go insane if she micro-managed me, if she suddenly demanded everything I offered her and more.

We've been doing this for almost a decade. I don't think I'm getting any better at it. And this is the first time I've spoken about it to anyone but her.

But I also know that I have SO much more to give him. Sometimes, he acts like he wants it, needs it, in fact. Sometimes--like now--, he acts like he doesn't give a shit.

I know, I know. He has other responsibilities. He has other priorities. But it still hurts. I need more than this. Sometimes I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm one of your responsibilities, too, dammit!" I feel like in my need to feel some tangible sign of his control, I'm pushing him farther away. It's not conducive to fixing things at all.

Oh, I know how you feel. Because I can't just be in Happy Slave Mode without being switched "on", and she doesn't always bother, I feel neglected. It hurts me to know that I have offered everything I have, the very core of myself, and she chooses not to take anything.

Ouch.

 

[Albee]

It's funny ES, but this Master of yours sounds like a real prick.

It would never occur to me to put my woman on orgasm denial.

Orgasm restriction, sure. "You may only come the way I allow because we both know it's gonna be so fucking good."

But orgasm denial. Who gains from that?

 

[intothewoods]

Dan Savage says all men are assholes, and all women are bitches. The nicest guy is a bit of an asshole, and the worst asshole is sometimes a nice guy.

Just sayin.

 

[Homburg]

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Him: I'm just going to have tinned soup, I'll warm it up.

So my Master (who is dieting) warms his soup and I make myself tomato & basil pasta. He eats the soup and then half my pasta when my back's turned.

Me: I thought you just wanted soup.
Him: I never just want soup, I was trying to be good. Anyway should have learned by now that what's yours is mine.
Me: I don't believe you, whenever I offer you my leftovers, you get all virtuous and turn me down but as soon as I leave a plate unattended you want what's on it.
Him: I would have thought that was obvious. Where would we be if I did what you wanted?

Masters!

What? I see nothing at all wrong with this sort of logic

 

[Adakgirl]

I would like to interject a comment here. To eastern sun and all who have contributed to her thread so far. I am on page 4 of this thread and I had to stop reading just to say, that this is the best thread I have ever read in my entire life, bar none.
eastern sun, you are a very talented writer. Feeling empty of words sometimes is perfectly normal and perfectly ok.
In my opinion it would be a shame and a detriment to us all (as well as to society and to yourself) if you should choose NOT use your talent and your unique ability to express yourself...to author a book. There are many talented writers in on this site. But you have "IT", you really do. Whatever reasons you may have in your mind that may hold you back, feeding ego, self absorption, allowing yourself personal release or pleasure....those reasons do not matter. What matters is you need to write and people need to read you. So please, whatever you do, don't stop writing.

 

[myinnerslut]

What? I see nothing at all wrong with this sort of logic

course you dont

****

a few thoughts on marking. i have a few. the first being the piercing i got the very first weekend i became his. it was something we had talked about in the past but actually jumped into very quickly. i didnt doubt myself at all while i was doing it, much to my surprise. i expected my logical self to jump in and say "what are you doing?!? you just met this guy!" that part of me, which i suppose can also be called my skeptical self, was silent and two days after meeting Master for the first time i was marked.

the next marking was, honestly, accidental. it wasnt intended to scar but did and i found that i loved it. last summer we had been doing some knife play and he scratched an "R" into my left thigh. well what do you know, it stuck around. it was faint but it was clearly there if you knew where to look. for a time after recieving it i had to be very careful as my family loves going to the beach, and it was below the bathingsuit line. i used various excuses from "i cut mysef shaving" to covering it in foundation, and even buying a pair of bathingsuit shorts to wear over the bottoms. despite the problems i had hiding it from my parents (who belive me would NOT understand) i was very happy with the mark.

the third mark i recieved was a branding by way of cell popping. it mirrors the "R" on the opposite thigh. it was carefully slowly and painfully done in the shape of a puzzle piece. of all of the marks, this one is my favorite. it is the one that is most personal not only to my position as his, but also so the relationship between Master and i. his puzzle piece. his perfect fit. its begun to fade, but it still visible, and will not need to be touched up for some time.

on this past visit, i realized that the "R" had faded to the point of being almost invisible. this bothered me, but i knew he wouldnt do anythink about it unless i asked. there were too many bad feelings in the past surrounding that mark, since the little scratch wasnt intended to, and shouldnt have, scarred.

so if i wanted it, i had to ask. i had to ask him to cut me open. to draw blood. to press a knife into my skin and drag it so that the blade cut me open. i did ask, but i was scared. he had me strip down and my eyes widened i fear. i saw the blade and the paper towel to catch my blood, and i began shaking. he tied a gag into my mouth before he cleaned the area and i tried to calm myself so i would lie still. and then he began. slowly and carefully, cutting each line so that it bled, he traced over the initial mark on my skin. i screamed. i tried not to tense up. he cut again, and i started fading away.

the pain was sharp, and nowhere i went would let me hide from that, but nonetheless i started slipping off. subspace? some other place? the pain kept bringing me back to the moment but i could feel myself accepting it, wanting it, needing it. i needed the pain to accept the mark he was putting on my body. when the cutting was finished he cleaned it and took some pictures. then he lifted my legs and began to fuck me.

the jarring motions, the fact that my leg was raised, all made the pain worse. as he fucked me he told me "pain is a reminder" its a phrase he's used before, when the puzzle piece got done. pain is a reminder. a reminder of my surrender. a reminder of the sacrifices we have made to get here. a reminder of commitment. pain is a reminder. and i embraced the pain. cries turned to whimpers, then begging as i embraced the pain. pain is a reminder.

two days later the mark is looking great. its healing nicely and the lines are still very visible. it will scar well.

 

[Adakgirl]

Sometimes I'm irrational.

I know he's human and prone to normal human emotions. I know he has a lot more on his plate to worry about than a whiny slave. I know he has responsibilities that are more important than me. I know all these things.

But I also know that I have SO much more to give him. Sometimes, he acts like he wants it, needs it, in fact. Sometimes--like now--, he acts like he doesn't give a shit.

I know, I know. He has other responsibilities. He has other priorities. But it still hurts. I need more than this. Sometimes I want to jump up and down and scream, "I'm one of your responsibilities, too, dammit!" I feel like in my need to feel some tangible sign of his control, I'm pushing him farther away. It's not conducive to fixing things at all.

Trying to sit back, shut up and take it is leading to me attention-whoring all the time. I know it's getting on his nerves. It's getting on MY nerves. I'm trying my best not to, but it's making me crazy. But he's the Master. He can control me as much or as little as he wants, I suppose. It's just that when it wanes like this, I feel like he doesn't care enough to try to fix it. And probably the more I push the issue, the less motivated he feels to do anything about it.

We are all irrational sometimes, have no fear BiBunny. What you describe above is something that I think most women go through in our relationships. Regardless of what type of relationship it is. If you love him and trust him the way you have said you do, then you need to be secure in the knowledge that he does give a shit, he knows you have so much more to give him, and he knows you are one of his responsibilities too.

You said you would slit your throat for him, die for him. That is about as dedicated as it gets. However, showing him you are mature enough and trusting enough to serve him by being patient, kind and understanding of him during times you are getting little attention from him, will have a much greater longer lasting impact on you relationship. It is also a much better option than pushing him away by getting crazy.





That is a long, long sentence I wrote there eh? o!

 

[Adakgirl]

eastern sun, I thought about what your Master may have meant when he said to you:

"Your actions don't matter. The only thing that matters is you are an empty vessel for me to fill"

This is what came to my mind, I could be way off the mark or right on the money, here....

Your actions are what define you. He may have meant that he does not want you to define yourself, you have no need to define yourself by your actions, because he will define you.

I mean, he has already hasn't he? Isn't being his slave a continual definition of who you are? Are you not being emptied and then filled up by him over and over again? Maybe each time he empties you (or leaves you empty) you are even more acutely aware of his power and of his knowledge of you? Even more accepting of him and peaceful within yourself?
Maybe he needs you to be like a sponge, ready to soak up all the bad things, the little things, the uncomfortable crap, the frustrating things that build up in him that he has no other place to put? Maybe he needs you to be an empty vessel to fill with his strong emotions of anger and intense feelings of love too?

Just thoughts.... I somehow pegged this with your story about the squeezing of your hand at 5:30AM in bed that time. He wanted to get stuff out of his head, he wanted to talk and he needed you to be his empty vessel then. needed you to focus and listen and (like u did) ask questions so he could get it all out.....I think that is a perfect example of him filling you up right there.

 

[eastern sun]

eastern sun, I thought about what your Master may have meant when he said to you:

This is what came to my mind, I could be way off the mark or right on the money, here....

Your actions are what define you. He may have meant that he does not want you to define yourself, you have no need to define yourself by your actions, because he will define you.

I mean, he has already hasn't he? Isn't being his slave a continual definition of who you are? Are you not being emptied and then filled up by him over and over again? Maybe each time he empties you (or leaves you empty) you are even more acutely aware of his power and of his knowledge of you? Even more accepting of him and peaceful within yourself?
Maybe he needs you to be like a sponge, ready to soak up all the bad things, the little things, the uncomfortable crap, the frustrating things that build up in him that he has no other place to put? Maybe he needs you to be an empty vessel to fill with his strong emotions of anger and intense feelings of love too?

Just thoughts.... I somehow pegged this with your story about the squeezing of your hand at 5:30AM in bed that time. He wanted to get stuff out of his head, he wanted to talk and he needed you to be his empty vessel then. needed you to focus and listen and (like u did) ask questions so he could get it all out.....I think that is a perfect example of him filling you up right there.

You are very thoughtful. And I don't mean just considerate, though you are that too. You think deeply about the things you encounter. And you pay attention.

I was touched by your earlier comments. Thank you for adding your thoughts to the thread.

 

[Adakgirl]

You are quite welcome eastern sun

 

[bethpage]

Thanks for this thread, ES. Through your posts, and BiBunny's and others, I've gotten a better grasp on what a 24/7 TPE relationship can be. The little moments you describe, at the store or just in your head, and sharing what he has to say as well, give great texture and a sense of realness to this glimpse you have given of your world.

Seeing this more clearly has helped me see myself more clearly, and I thank you for the opportunity.

 

[BiBunny]

It hit me last night as I was lying in bed. I am a slave. I have no idea where it came from. He's been telling me this all along, but I always hated it about myself. But he's right. I'm a slave. It's my responsibility to give him everything I have to give. It's not his responsibility to come take it from me because I'm too chicken to admit to myself what I am.

I've had an inner serenity today that I've never felt before. I feel like I've transcended in some ways, like I've finally been able to see past the veil of maya, of illusion. I know what's real and what isn't now. And this is real like nothing else in the world.

Next time I serve, it won't be with conflicting inner emotions. Some time last night, I made peace with myself. I will serve with all of myself, with every bit of my slave's heart. There's nothing to fear now. I will take the next step and not be afraid.

I can't seem to stop smiling now. I am a slave. I am HIS slave.