The emotional side of sharing

[CharlieBoker]

My wife and I openly discuss bringing a third party into the bedroom and both bisexual mmf and her playing with another guy alone play a big part in our fantasy play together.

Currently though, we’re still in fantasy land and are aware that crossing the line into reality may well bring with it some negative emotional complications.

We are mid fifties and been together 35+ years. We are pretty solid as a couple, although there has been infidelity and associated hurt in our distant past.

I’m aware that cheating is totally different to playing with permission, so the associated feelings are bound to be different. That said though, we’re still massively emotionally connected and it can’t not have an impact on the dynamic.

With this in mind I’d really like to hear from couples who play, how you’ve handled the emotional side of sharing your partner sexually.

 

[MaxwellSmart86]

My wife and I just went through this for the very first time. Specifically, she has been out of town and met up with a man and his wife and they had a play session in my wife's hotel. I openly admit that on the day this play session occurred, I was an emotional wreck. I already had a bad day at work and then tacking on my wife's activities without me being there took a toll on my mental and emotional health. Since the night of her meet up, we have talked several times (she flies home today) and we will continue to talk when she gets home, and talking it out has helped me immensely.

My wife and I have been together 24 years and have been each others firsts for almost everything so this new dynamic brought forth some challenges that, until we got to the "point of no return", we were not fully aware of or how to handle them. My suggest is to communicate. Talk about all aspects of what you want to do, what is allowed and what is not allowed, but most importantly both of you need to feel that you have a voice and that it's being heard. That's where I messed up. I didn't voice my feelings on the matter clearly enough before hand.

 

[Islander55]

You need to have some serious conversations before you start and decide what you each want out of the lifestyle. Are you simply going to swap or allow each of you to have other partners. It is not for everyone but for those that can separate love and sex, it can enhance the sex for everyone. I would not make too many rules if any. The idea is too let your partner explore their sexuality and find the things that work best for them. You need to have complete trust in your partner that they will do the right things and not try to hedge things with too many rules.

 

[curiouschattycouple]

We haven't crossed that line yet, but we are moving towards it. We are communicating, and this recently revealed we actually want somewhat different things. I want an MFM where I am present to join, participate and support, but she has said she actually doesn't want me present for any encounters she has, as she feels it would be awkward, and she also doesn't want the pressure of having to satisfy two men and wants to be able to focus on the other man entirely. I am coming to grips with this, but I was very conflicted and even hurt. We (I) need to work through this, but the emotional roller coaster over a week or two really messed with my head and even my sleep. Obviously, it's not all about me, and this was hard for her to admit to me, but also will feel guilty now if she decides to not go ahead because she is concerned about my feelings. I can't win haha

 

[magicalmoments]

The key is discussing it fully, especially your individual reservations. Islander55 is right, you don't need too many rules, but you do need to know what could hurt your mate and avoid that from happening. Islander55's other key point is both of you being able to separate love from sex. If you can't do this then I would say don't proceed, it will lead to misery.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

You need to have some serious conversations before you start and decide what you each want out of the lifestyle. Are you simply going to swap or allow each of you to have other partners. It is not for everyone but for those that can separate love and sex, it can enhance the sex for everyone. I would not make too many rules if any. The idea is too let your partner explore their sexuality and find the things that work best for them. You need to have complete trust in your partner that they will do the right things and not try to hedge things with too many rules.

You've nailed this before. Both have to be able to agree that love and sex are two different things. You're a very wise woman.

 

[scposteel]

My wife and I opened up seven years ago, and now comfortably live the poly lifestyle. The best advice I can give is to make sure you have an open line of communication about this, discussing thoughts, feelings, reservations and so forth. It's understandable to be nervous, but if both parties are comfortable with this than enjoy

 

[Coolbreeze1102xxx]

My wife and I just went through this for the very first time. Specifically, she has been out of town and met up with a man and his wife and they had a play session in my wife's hotel. I openly admit that on the day this play session occurred, I was an emotional wreck. I already had a bad day at work and then tacking on my wife's activities without me being there took a toll on my mental and emotional health. Since the night of her meet up, we have talked several times (she flies home today) and we will continue to talk when she gets home, and talking it out has helped me immensely.

My wife and I have been together 24 years and have been each others firsts for almost everything so this new dynamic brought forth some challenges that, until we got to the "point of no return", we were not fully aware of or how to handle them. My suggest is to communicate. Talk about all aspects of what you want to do, what is allowed and what is not allowed, but most importantly both of you need to feel that you have a voice and that it's being heard. That's where I messed up. I didn't voice my feelings on the matter clearly enough before hand.

Interesting perspective. I experienced similar feelings when my wife and I explored with a good friend when we first married

 

[Coolbreeze1102xxx]

So wise

Interesting and agree.

 

[Islander55]

You've nailed this before. Both have to be able to agree that love and sex are two different things. You're a very wise woman.

This is not rocket science. It is about people realizing who they are and making that work with a partner. Most of us are brought up to believe that monogamy is the only way. Personally I do not believe that it is natural for us to be monogamous. If you accept that and then can work things out with a partner, a lot of doors are opened for fun and satisfaction.

 

[Islander55]

I’m not gonna try to tell you what will work for you. But I will tell you what works for us. Maybe you can use some of it.

1) We have agreed that we will be together to the end, no matter what. Neither of us wants to start over with someone new, and we are old enough to do this without losing our minds or running off with somebody.

2) Our places in each other’s lives are unique, and permanent. Lovers will come and go, but we will remain.

3) There are no rules or restrictions on her. She does as she pleases, with whoever she wants, as much as she wants. She needs no permission or approval.

3) On my end, she’s the one. She does however loan me to her friends occasionally.

4) Go ahead and assume that every man she fucks has a huge cock and uses it like a sex god. That will save you from asking the questions and her from having to answer them. You will appear, and in time become, more confident because you don’t need to make comparisons or receive constant reassurance. Besides, are you going to go into this hoping she only gets mediocre sex? I hope not!

5) When we’re with other people, we’re really with them. We see them alone. We’re not putting on a show for each other to watch. It’s about sex with the other person, not using someone else as a prop to entertain each other.

6) If she fucks someone repeatedly, feelings will develop. It’s inevitable. I believe that is a natural part of it, and something she should enjoy without feeling guilty or having to hide it.

7) Early on as theory becomes reality, you will have a meltdown or two. Expect it and talk your way past it. With experience, they will be less severe and less common.

8) Understand this is a high risk maneuver for a relationship. Be as sure as you can be, before you begin, that you can deal with it. Once it starts she probably won’t want to stop. My own wife says she will never stop.

Very good points and some good advice. I bet you both have had a very fulfilling sex life while doing this.

 

[CharlieBoker]

Thank you everyone for your input so far.

 

[Islander55]

We both feel like it’s the best possible marriage design, but at the same time we know it’s not for everyone. For us, it’s the best life we’ve ever had.

Both have to be into it or at least tolerate it but the rewards can be fantastic.

 

[usse]

Be prepared to accept that it doesn’t work for the two of you and things go back to whatever is normal for you.

 

[Erodicus]

The key is discussing it fully, especially your individual reservations. Islander55 is right, you don't need too many rules, but you do need to know what could hurt your mate and avoid that from happening. Islander55's other key point is both of you being able to separate love from sex. If you can't do this then I would say don't proceed, it will lead to misery.

I agree whole-heartedly. In my experience, women find it a lot more difficult than guys to separate the two. Then they end up feeling confused and rejected when the guy moves on.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

This is not rocket science. It is about people realizing who they are and making that work with a partner. Most of us are brought up to believe that monogamy is the only way. Personally I do not believe that it is natural for us to be monogamous. If you accept that and then can work things out with a partner, a lot of doors are opened for fun and satisfaction.

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't think the way you do.

 

[gtnlynn]

Our situation was a bit different. We started dating at 15 and married at 22. We went to different colleges and I only saw her once or twice a month. She was free to date, and for 2 1/2 years she had regular sex with others. Since she showed that sex could be just a physical act with no romantic or emotional attachment, we decided that she could be free to have sex with others after we had been married 10 years. She had to tell me about all of her "dates" and condoms were required. She only had a few dates before deciding not to do it any more. It worked for us, but we wouldn't have tried it if she hadn't shown that it was just a fun act in college.

 

[Stoicbutfun]

I have shared with both my ex and current wife, and one of those was a bisexual play for both of us which was great, I think you need a safe word or some communication method if things don't feel right either when you meet someone or during play, and personally some basic ground rules, like, is kissing ok or not, etc etc.
I have been lucky enough to have been with a few couples as the guy, and I think it works beautifully when the couple clearly adore each other and are totally solid and want each other to enjoy it completely, (as is the case with you both) but make sure you sort out whether the bi thing is completely ok or not before you get there, sounds obvious but you know instantly when it’s not there between a couple.

 

[Islander55]

Unfortunately, my wife doesn't think the way you do.

It is tough if you marry someone with a very different view. There is no good answer especially in a long term relationship. Really all you can do is weigh the entire relationship and decide if it is worth it. Particularly as we get older making a major change may not work out well at all. There is a lot more to life than sex and having a supportive partner to help deal with things like health issues is a big deal.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

I'll send you a PM if you don't mind.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Be prepared to accept that it doesn’t work for the two of you and things go back to whatever is normal for you.

I would disagree. There is no going back to "normal."

Once they've crossed the line and done it, they might decide it's not for them. But they'll never go back to what they had before. The images and memories of it will be there for a long time. And if it bothers one of them, that can cause future issues during any argument.

 

[CharlieBoker]

I would disagree. There is no going back to "normal."

Once they've crossed the line and done it, they might decide it's not for them. But they'll never go back to what they had before. The images and memories of it will be there for a long time. And if it bothers one of them, that can cause future issues during any argument.

This is kind of the whole point of my original post really. We're both very aware that once we cross the line, our dynamic will have changed. Currently we are still in the discussion stage of whether it's worth it and should we just stay safe in fantasy land.....No right or wrong, just an awareness.

 

[Lifestyle66]

This is kind of the whole point of my original post really. We're both very aware that once we cross the line, our dynamic will have changed. Currently we are still in the discussion stage of whether it's worth it and should we just stay safe in fantasy land.....No right or wrong, just an awareness.

I might recommend doing a web search for swinger websites. Set up a profile on one of those and see what's out there. You might try looking into terms such as "soft swap" or "parallel play" which would be easier to get over as a couple if one of you can't handle it.

Soft swap means no penetration. Watching your spouse kissing or fingering another to arrousal might be enough to say "stop!"

And parallel play is when you're playing with your own spouse alongside another couple.

Maybe find a nearby house party with other swinger couples, where you can watch and decide then how far you want to go. Or walk away if one of you isn't comfortable.

 

[CharlieBoker]

I might recommend doing a web search for swinger websites. Set up a profile on one of those and see what's out there. You might try looking into terms such as "soft swap" or "parallel play" which would be easier to get over as a couple if one of you can't handle it.

Soft swap means no penetration. Watching your spouse kissing or fingering another to arrousal might be enough to say "stop!"

And parallel play is when you're playing with your own spouse alongside another couple.

Maybe find a nearby house party with other swinger couples, where you can watch and decide then how far you want to go. Or walk away if one of you isn't comfortable.

That’s sound advice thanks.

We’d already talked about a “progressive” test the water type entry into my wife meeting someone, starting off with flirting, dating with non sexual contact, then maybe leading to kissing and so on so that was kind of already on our radar.

I guess using the swinging scene to meet third parties would (hopefully) increase the chances of them being more respectful to our needs as they’re there for the same reasons and will possibly have been where we are themselves. In theory at least….There are idiots everywhere and I’m sure the swinging scene is no different.

It’s relevant as we’d already discussed, the pretty slim chance of meeting someone who’d be happy to play with us both from the regular men who hit on my wife. She’s always been very attractive and even at 56 she still gets plenty of attention. It’s these encounters that have driven the fantasies and discussions about what if she’s attracted to one of these guys and wishes to reciprocate and pursue something.

Knowing my wife so well I think she’s far more open to an organic way of meeting someone, rather than a “sex by numbers” arrangement at a club, but your suggestion does still make total sense as a gentle, progressive, much safer approach, as far as the sex goes.

More food for thought! Thanks.

 

[usse]

I would disagree. There is no going back to "normal."

Once they've crossed the line and done it, they might decide it's not for them. But they'll never go back to what they had before. The images and memories of it will be there for a long time. And if it bothers one of them, that can cause future issues during any argument.

I guess I should have provided some post nut clarity.

I have little doubt it will work for you, at least I believe there is a greater chance it won’t work for her and she doesn’t have any interest in it. Not all women want to be a porn star.

If this happens, the normal will be you quietly fantasizing about her fucking other guys and her being content just fucking you.