The Darkness

[MasterPhoenix]

Inside of me I carry a darkness from a previous life. Not a past life in the metaphysical Shirley MacLane New Age sense, but from a past section of this existence. Back from the time before I became the Phoenix, and my life was one big tangle of depression.

Lately, that darkness is haunting me again, and I am not sure why. It is if whatever lurks in that darkness is trying to pull me back in and take away everything I have become. Sometimes it tries to convince me I am not the Dom I think I am. It plays with my heart, and tries to invade and overrun my thoughts.

I thought I had long since slain this demon, but it lurks and hunts inside me. The protective layer has worn thin, but I will not succumb. I refuse to go back to the life I once knew.

I have been red-lined with stress, and it has been playing hell on me lately.

No way in hell am I going back on meds, I could not write whilst I was on them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Perhaps it is the underlying anxiety about the move bringing up the depression again. I know any stress, minor or major, can trigger mine in a moment. It is something I have never been free of and now accept I likely never will be so I ride out the dark moments in hope the lighter ones will be just around the corner.

Catalina

 

[MasterPhoenix]

More like a fear, that at times borders on paranoia borne of past experiences prior to my rose that the rug will be pulled out form under me, yet again.

(yes, I know that was the mother of all run-on sentences but I am too dammed tired to try to punctuate correctly.)

 

[RJMasters]

Inside of me I carry a darkness from a previous life. Not a past life in the metaphysical Shirley MacLane New Age sense, but from a past section of this existence. Back from the time before I became the Phoenix, and my life was one big tangle of depression.

Lately, that darkness is haunting me again, and I am not sure why. It is if whatever lurks in that darkness is trying to pull me back in and take away everything I have become. Sometimes it tries to convince me I am not the Dom I think I am. It plays with my heart, and tries to invade and overrun my thoughts.

I thought I had long since slain this demon, but it lurks and hunts inside me. The protective layer has worn thin, but I will not succumb. I refuse to go back to the life I once knew.

I have been red-lined with stress, and it has been playing hell on me lately.

No way in hell am I going back on meds, I could not write whilst I was on them.

MP,

It is a myth that one can slay one's own demons. You can't, the best you can do is make some manner of peace with them. How you eventually do that is up to you, but I can tell you it requires a lot of honesty and once obtained, it will be both humbling and empowering.

Its never a good idea to try to kill off a part of you. It exists because it has a part or a purpose in who you are at the core of your being. When we try to kill off parts of us or lock them away, for a time we may feel like everything is ok, but its usually its only a matter of time till this part of us will begin to be resentful and will seek to take back control or power that was taken from it.

When you say "whatever lurks in that darkness is trying to pull me back in and take away everything I have become"

You use the analogy of crawling out some dark pit and have become something, and you point back to the pit and say I am no longer that man in the pit.

You are wrong. You are the man in the pit and you are the man who has crawled your way out of it. You are both. And you need to come to grips with that.

My "guess" is that this is a self-confidence problem. These typical are a result of a self deception of some kind that has happened along the path somewhere. Being confident is being 'sure" that what you know to be true is in fact true. When fear and doubt begin to creep in, it is because you are no longer "sure" about something that you preiously have held to be "true".

The question is, what is that you are afraid is no longer true? And, are you willing to be honest enough with yourself to accept what you find?

Who you are now is in part a result of who you have been, whether that is good or bad or both. By validating that, you also are empowering who it is you have become.

You are not MP super Dom extridinaire, none of us are. We are just men, with strengths and weaknesses and who expereince both failures and vicotries in this lifetime. And the greatest achievement one can possibly hope to acheive in this lifetime is to find someone who will love us and accept us for who we truly are. But before that can happen we must first learn to love and accept who it is we are ourselves first.

As a last comment, let go. you cannot control everything. Often we think we are responsible and therefore must be in control of everything. The truth is you are only in control of you. Battling things that are not within your control is a tiresome and unwinable battle. Focus on just being responsible for you. It the difference between the circumstances controlling you, or you controlling you.

Its not something you really need to work at, its more like something you need to accept and affirm within yourself.

I wish you well MP

~RJ

 

[catalina_francisco]

More like a fear, that at times borders on paranoia borne of past experiences prior to my rose that the rug will be pulled out form under me, yet again.

(yes, I know that was the mother of all run-on sentences but I am too dammed tired to try to punctuate correctly.)

There are no magical cures unfortunately. I can relate to your description of it as The Darkness. I used a similar term to describe it to F long ago. For me I equate it to feeling like being in the middle of a deep, dark forest in the middle of one of the worst storms imaginable...there is no sense of hope, no direction, no light visible, only darkness and oppression and deep misery. When it lifts it is like blazing sunshine coming through crystal clear windows and difficult to believe the blackness of that other place exists, but it does. I feel it coming as if I am driving a car into it, I know it will happen and yet not always why, I have no control over it once a certain point is reached, and it is a hell that those who have not visited it find difficult if not impossible to begin to imagine. The beauty of it is it does pass with a lot of self talk, belief in your ability to survive it, but it takes time and not always a time which can be predicted or controlled. One of the worst things I have found is fighting it. Sounds strange, but if I accept the reality and try to go with it with the knowledge it will pass at some time for some period of time, it usually passes quicker than if I fight with all my might....seems that just delays the inevitable at best.

Catalina

 

[liberatedslave]

I think RJ Masters made some good points. I know that my own Sir has slef-confidence issues that go back years and occasionally he has pannicky moments that seem to run like this: -

"Who the fuck am I to think that I can be your strong, purposeful dominant when I've fucked up in my life and been hurt by people? What security and protection can I really offer you? What if I'm deluding myself to think that I can do this full time?" ... and so on.

He forgets I know that ultimately he's as fallible and vulnerable as the next man. I don't expect magnificent, heroic feats from him on a daily basis. I love him for the wonderful man he is and the Dom that he wants to be for us. Dominants are intensely protective of their subs IME and this can feel like a huge responsibility sometimes. If you are new along the road to kink there are bound to be moments of self doubt and we're always still learning, however long we're in the lifestyle.

Make peace with your past because you can't change it. You've obviously learned from it and having a strong desire not to repeat bad patterns and get into a bad place again is often half the battle. Every day you can create yourself anew, you are capable of becoming whoever you aspire to be if you can look forwards and work towards what you really want.

I sincerely wish you all the best

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry RJ and liberated slave, but I do not agree that major depression is a result of lack of self confidence. This type of judgement/analogy is what I am referring to when I say people who have not been there usually have no clue what it is like or what it is about, and often the judgements and statements they make in ignorance only increase the difficulty for the person involved. It not only attempts to minimise the issue, but also in part puts blame on the sufferer for the very real medically based (as in through no choice or action of their own) condition with lifelong consequences. I tend to put it in the realm of those who think they know what they are talking about when they tell a depressed person they just need to get a grip, or stop feeling sorry for themselves, or pull their socks up and just get on with it....they just haven't got a clue what depression is. Sheesh if it were as easy as increasing self confidence, wouldn't that be lovely?!!

Catalina

 

[RJMasters]

Sorry RJ and liberated slave, but I do not agree that major depression is a result of lack of self confidence. This type of judgement/analogy is what I am referring to when I say people who have not been there usually have no clue what it is like or what it is about, and often the judgements and statements they make in ignorance only increase the difficulty for the person involved. It not only attempts to minimise the issue, but also in part puts blame on the sufferer for the very real medically based (as in through no choice or action of their own) condition with lifelong consequences. I tend to put it in the realm of those who think they know what they are talking about when they tell a depressed person they just need to get a grip, or stop feeling sorry for themselves, or pull their socks up and just get on with it....they just haven't got a clue what depression is. Sheesh if it were as easy as increasing self confidence, wouldn't that be lovely?!!

Catalina

Goodmorning Cat Oh...and fuck you.

 

[spankableBelle]

I wish I had words to offer here, but I don't at all feel qualified offer advice or tell anyone what I think they should do or express my ideas as to what's wrong with them...I can't offer anything but more but to say that I know what it feels like to be haunted, to think you've moved past something only to have it come back and rear it's ugly head. We can fight it, we can bury it, we can do our best to ignore it, but yes it is always going to come back and the only thing to do is wave and say 'oh, it's you again' and keep going, keep moving forward, keep plugging along at life...finding that which is best for us in all ways.

I don't know you, but I wish you all the best MP...

belle

 

[intothewoods]

I agree with catalina that it's not a buck up and get on with it kind of thing. It's okay to need help, and in fact, it means you're doing what you need to do to get healthy.

 

[spankableBelle]

I've never suffered from depression, but I do go through bouts of serious anxiety from time to time. I hear you about the meds - but what about therapy? And maybe trying out some different pharmaceuticals? My sister suffers from depression, and she has done really well with a combination of meds and therapy. And she's an artistic type, and certainly hasn't lost her creativity or her edge because of her treatment.

I agree with catalina that it's not a buck up and get on with it kind of thing. It's okay to need help, and in fact, it means you're doing what you need to do to get healthy.

Sometimes, in my own darkness, when I give it room to invade all that's bright and good...I do some of my very best writing and creating.

Okay, done adding my two cents worth...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Goodmorning Cat Oh...and fuck you.

Geez RJ, seems you have just blown your gentlemanly persona you worked so careful to create. Sorry I am not about to sink to your foul mouthed level to respond, but you know, it just is not me.

Catalina

 

[nowgirl]

depression isn't something you can generally talk yourself out of. i wish i could... are you sure you can't find a different "mix" of meds that don't hinder your creativity??

i understand that medicating isn't always the answer. being on the sub side of things, i can't put myself in your Domly shoes and understand what part of this darkness is tied in to being a Dom.... i think RJ asked several pertinant questions related to that.

however, if this is a demon from the past still haunting you - seems more than just a black mood? how did you slay this demon before?

sounds like situational depression... obviously brought on by the stress. for me, saying things out loud is the first step... so hopefully posting it here has helped you Master Phoenix. but don't discount seeking professional help if things get any darker....

 

[A Desert Rose]

Sometimes, in my own darkness, when I give it room to invade all that's bright and good...I do some of my very best writing and creating.

Okay, done adding my two cents worth...

Yes, me too. I can't say I do my best writing but, I'm at my most prolific when I've got a broken heart. ;-)

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, me too. I can't say I do my best writing but, I'm at my most prolific when I've got a broken heart. ;-)

Seems it works for many in that way. I know it does for me and I think it was Lionel Ritchie I saw interviewed many years ago where he was saying he is hopeless at writing music when he is in a happy place, wonderful when in the pits of despair. Hey, there has to be some positive to misery, though at the time it might not seem so.

Catalina

 

[A Desert Rose]

Seems it works for many in that way. I know it does for me and I think it was Lionel Ritchie I saw interviewed many years ago where he was saying he is hopeless at writing music when he is in a happy place, wonderful when in the pits of despair. Hey, there has to be some positive to misery, though at the time it might not seem so.

Catalina

Seems to be true of many artists and writers. Van Gogh comes to mind... I think Jackson Pollock, too. (Another Wyomingite, like me. )

You're right; make the best of the bad place you find yourself in.

 

[RJMasters]

Geez RJ, seems you have just blown your gentlemanly persona you worked so careful to create. Sorry I am not about to sink to your foul mouthed level to respond, but you know, it just is not me.

Catalina

Darlin', just cuz you think you can make it seem like honey dripping off your tounge doesn't mean your mouth is any less foul, dirty, or offensive.

Heck when you get right down to it, you combine sweet smart-ass sarcasm so well and so often you ought to own the patent on it by now.

As for my gentlemanly persona, most folks know I'd go out of my way to lend a hand or offer encouragement. I doubt them seeing me tell a smart mouth miss know-it-all to fuck off is going to change that.

Besides you and me both know that it doesn't matter a lick whether I act gentlemanly towards you or not, as its not respected nor appreciated. So I guess I figure I'd just stop mincing words.

You go on and sit there and tell yourself that you are not going to sink to my level because you won't use any cuss words...lmao...as if that somehow justifies some of the crap you spit out at others on a regular basis.

Two things I will do though, I'll honor you by not wasting any more of your or my time and wish you a nice day.

 

[RJMasters]

MP,

I think you know me well enough to know that what I wrote in my first response was heartfelt. To clarify, all I meant by what I said is ....do not let the past cast doubts and fears upon the solid foundations that you have laid out with rose. Acknowledge what happen in the past, and then acknowledge that you have done what it takes to get to where you are now. Believe in yourself and believe in rose.

 

[FurryFury]

Inside of me I carry a darkness from a previous life. Not a past life in the metaphysical Shirley MacLane New Age sense, but from a past section of this existence. Back from the time before I became the Phoenix, and my life was one big tangle of depression.

Lately, that darkness is haunting me again, and I am not sure why. It is if whatever lurks in that darkness is trying to pull me back in and take away everything I have become. Sometimes it tries to convince me I am not the Dom I think I am. It plays with my heart, and tries to invade and overrun my thoughts.

I thought I had long since slain this demon, but it lurks and hunts inside me. The protective layer has worn thin, but I will not succumb. I refuse to go back to the life I once knew.

I have been red-lined with stress, and it has been playing hell on me lately.

No way in hell am I going back on meds, I could not write whilst I was on them.

I'm sorry you've had a rough time in the past and that it seems to be trying to drag at you now.

*HUGS*

I am not terribly creative while depressed. I don't like meds either but I'd never say never.

I had a thread about this once. It grew quite long. I tried many things that others suggested in it before breaking an usually (for me) long and strong period of depression.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=353188

By treating myself well and with kindness I began to feel better. I hope you feel better soon as well.

Fury

 

[BiBunny]

MP, this is only my opinion, so take it as such. I've never suffered from depression as my "only" problem; it's always just been a sort of spin-off from my social anxiety. I've always been one to fight it as hard as I can when I feel it coming on, and cat's right--it does seem to make it worse. As bad as I have it, though, my Master has it far worse. His fits of depression will come out of nowhere and descend for days or weeks or however long until they finally recede. It's funny that you describe the way you feel as The Darkness because that's always how I've labeled both our demons. We both struggle hard with them, and it's probably just making matters worse.

There is, however, one huge difference between us. (I was actually thinking this to myself last night.) I admit that there's a darkness inside of me, that there's a place in my soul that I don't like to think about because it scares me. He, on the other hand, tries his best to act "like everyone else" (although "everyone else" probably has a similar kind of problem) and refuses to admit that his dark place exists. Sometimes I wonder if him not letting himself get too close to me has something to do with this.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a coincidence that he suffers more than I do since he refuses to admit that the dark place is there. Seems to me then that you admitting that you do have that inside you is half the battle.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Darlin', just cuz you think you can make it seem like honey dripping off your tounge doesn't mean your mouth is any less foul, dirty, or offensive.

Heck when you get right down to it, you combine sweet smart-ass sarcasm so well and so often you ought to own the patent on it by now.

As for my gentlemanly persona, most folks know I'd go out of my way to lend a hand or offer encouragement. I doubt them seeing me tell a smart mouth miss know-it-all to fuck off is going to change that.

Besides you and me both know that it doesn't matter a lick whether I act gentlemanly towards you or not, as its not respected nor appreciated. So I guess I figure I'd just stop mincing words.

You go on and sit there and tell yourself that you are not going to sink to my level because you won't use any cuss words...lmao...as if that somehow justifies some of the crap you spit out at others on a regular basis.

Two things I will do though, I'll honor you by not wasting any more of your or my time and wish you a nice day.

I really have no clue where this sudden dose of animosity toward me is coming from as we have usually gotten on well on and off the board, and agreed to disagree when necessary without need to resort to verbal abuse, especially totally out of the blue and from my POV, without any provocation. Hopefully it is just you are having a bad day and get past it.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I'm a creative pro, I've suffered from anxiety and depression.

I've never found that my best work was done while in the throes of it. If it's at its worst I wasn't able to think clearly at all and never did anything of value. I find suffering creativity a myth. Virginia Woolf wasn't a genuis because she ended up on the bottom of a river, she ended up on the bottom of a river and we heard about it because she was a genius and miserable. People have been offing themselves in non-artistic anonymity since the beginning of time.

I found that meds and therapy allowed me to think clearly and rationally enough to actually interpret what was going on in my life, and what was going on in my past. The art got a lot better.

I put the self confidence chicken after the depression egg. People who are depressed are prone to a lack of self confidence (any why not?) people who are not self confident aren't necessarily clinically depressed.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Funny how those of us with clinical depression seem to give it a name. Mine is known as the Monster. Mostly he lives locked in a cupboard but every now & then he manages to get a claw around the door & give me a scratch.

I've lived with the Monster for over 30 years. It's not sadness or a reaction to past problems or hurts. It's not fear or lack of self confidence or even a personality trait. It's a living, breathing, huge all smothering black Monster & all the therapy in the world wouldn't make it go away. Sorry, but the Monster couldn't care less if you talk about it.

I have never understood the oft stated aversion to the very good medications now available to control this beast. Sure they get abused & you need to find the right one for your breed of Monster, but they don't prevent or cure all the other ups & downs of living. If you have other problems, they won't take those away either.

When I was first diagnosed, the anti depressants had really horrible side affects, but you know what? even they were better than having the Monster loose in my life. These days it's relatively easy to find one which will suit you & won't impact on the rest of your life.

I lose patience with those who go on & on about it, but refuse for whatever reason, to seek the correct treatment. In most cases like that & with the people I've met who do this, they have a specific problem, have read about Monster symptoms & try to combine the 2 for sympathy, all the while bleating about how strong they are being by fighting it without meds. What they don't get & can't be explained to them is that the Monster robs you of the will & the means to fight. They don't have depression, they have a problem or they are sad about something specific.

We've all heard the debate (CSI & Law & Order LOL) about mad v bad. This phenomenum is similar - mad v sad. I'm not saying mad in a derogatory sense either, being in that particular boat myself. It's just a very simple way of quick explanation & differentiation.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can relate to what you say about meds incubus'_sub, though from my side of the fence they have never worked and now through my son's problems I am just discovering just why that may be for both of us and no amount of trying will change it unfortunately. I have found a way of living with it, though at times it is not what I call living...he is still learning with help how to achieve that...as of last week, the medical profession has decided to take him off all medication as it does not work for him because of his other problems, and so we are back to trying to find other ways to minimise the fallout. You are right though, therapy can only do so much, and no amount of determination to make things better will change the reality we live with. So many people think it is a mind over matter issue, or just being sad...it is so not any of those things.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I'm a creative pro, I've suffered from anxiety and depression.

I've never found that my best work was done while in the throes of it. If it's at its worst I wasn't able to think clearly at all and never did anything of value. I find suffering creativity a myth. Virginia Woolf wasn't a genuis because she ended up on the bottom of a river, she ended up on the bottom of a river and we heard about it because she was a genius and miserable. People have been offing themselves in non-artistic anonymity since the beginning of time.

I found that meds and therapy allowed me to think clearly and rationally enough to actually interpret what was going on in my life, and what was going on in my past. The art got a lot better.

Me too.