Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Anybody? Please?
The Challenge Club
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Dingus Guy
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Sorry Black Tulip, I have a friend coming in from NY been busy. I will try to read it after work tomorrow night about this time tomorrow.
Al
Al
Black Tulip
I've taken a look at your story, here are some thoughts.
1. The opening section is slightly cumbersome, as if you have tried too hard.
"The gently rolling hills are dreaming under the wisps of mist, the early morning light adding a pearly quality to the landscape. The air is crisp and a little earthy; invigorating the woman who walks along the path that follows the ridge. Her wrap is the color of ripe brambles, blending in with the colors of autumn, making her a colorful part of the low bushes and the occasional tree."
Particularly the highlighted section, not sure about the semi-colon, doesn't seem necessary. Similarly unsure about a 'little earthy', though I know what you mean.
Later in the opening you describe her wrap as 'purple' and talk above about her both blending into the colors of autumn and being a 'colorful part' of the scene. In some ways this is contradictory, though again, I know what you mean.
Stumbling in reading this first para's detracts from the continuing story.
2. The reason for their initial assembly is slightly vague. I would build more on the sexual tension Tara/Coyle/Una. The assembly is ultimately Tara's way to snare Coyle sexually. Una might be more suspicious of Tara's motives. More outraged by Tara shedding her robe and more determined to win Coyle for herself. There is something about the progression from the Pentagon to the sex that is lacking for me, and though you hint at it, they are really just there for sex, the assembly simply a device. Tara should be more outraged at Coyle ignoring her - almost forcing her to use the incantation as a last roll of the dice.
3. I'm unclear as to why Una has returned to the hollow.
You talk about her wanting to stop any more killing without indicating that killing (other than Coyle) has taken place.
Is Radu tied to this place? Or is he roaming around killing other people?
4. For me there is insufficient reason for Una to return to the hollow. Is she is trying to find release from the loss of Coyle? If so, she bears her loss lightly.
Why does she place herself at risk? She seems to be sacrificing herself to no purpose. Has she researched and found a way to banish Radu?
5. Tara's incarceration requires direction. Is she the instrument through which Radu kills? Is she simply mad with voices? Whose voices? The final phrases could be read to indicate that only now has Radu become free of the hollow and taken residence in Tara. Is this what you intended?
I hope these comments are of some use.
Neon
I've taken a look at your story, here are some thoughts.
1. The opening section is slightly cumbersome, as if you have tried too hard.
"The gently rolling hills are dreaming under the wisps of mist, the early morning light adding a pearly quality to the landscape. The air is crisp and a little earthy; invigorating the woman who walks along the path that follows the ridge. Her wrap is the color of ripe brambles, blending in with the colors of autumn, making her a colorful part of the low bushes and the occasional tree."
Particularly the highlighted section, not sure about the semi-colon, doesn't seem necessary. Similarly unsure about a 'little earthy', though I know what you mean.
Later in the opening you describe her wrap as 'purple' and talk above about her both blending into the colors of autumn and being a 'colorful part' of the scene. In some ways this is contradictory, though again, I know what you mean.
Stumbling in reading this first para's detracts from the continuing story.
2. The reason for their initial assembly is slightly vague. I would build more on the sexual tension Tara/Coyle/Una. The assembly is ultimately Tara's way to snare Coyle sexually. Una might be more suspicious of Tara's motives. More outraged by Tara shedding her robe and more determined to win Coyle for herself. There is something about the progression from the Pentagon to the sex that is lacking for me, and though you hint at it, they are really just there for sex, the assembly simply a device. Tara should be more outraged at Coyle ignoring her - almost forcing her to use the incantation as a last roll of the dice.
3. I'm unclear as to why Una has returned to the hollow.
You talk about her wanting to stop any more killing without indicating that killing (other than Coyle) has taken place.
Is Radu tied to this place? Or is he roaming around killing other people?
4. For me there is insufficient reason for Una to return to the hollow. Is she is trying to find release from the loss of Coyle? If so, she bears her loss lightly.
Why does she place herself at risk? She seems to be sacrificing herself to no purpose. Has she researched and found a way to banish Radu?
5. Tara's incarceration requires direction. Is she the instrument through which Radu kills? Is she simply mad with voices? Whose voices? The final phrases could be read to indicate that only now has Radu become free of the hollow and taken residence in Tara. Is this what you intended?
I hope these comments are of some use.
Neon
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Neon,
Thanks for taking the trouble. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I won't have the time to fix it over the weekend. No early submitting for me there.
No grammar or spelling issues?
Will you still be posting your Literotica Olympics story? Would be nice.
Thanks for taking the trouble. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately I won't have the time to fix it over the weekend. No early submitting for me there.
No grammar or spelling issues?
Will you still be posting your Literotica Olympics story? Would be nice.
Black Tulip
Didn't specifically look for G & S
Other than the semi-colon in the first passage, it kind of stood out for me.
I can do, but not this side of the week-end I'm afraid.
I'll dust of the LO now I'm back, I'm afraid I've rather lost track of things.
In the meantime, if you have a few minutes my most recent story failed to get 'plugged' due to unforeseen events, its at the bottom of my sig line.
Neon.
Didn't specifically look for G & S
Other than the semi-colon in the first passage, it kind of stood out for me.
I can do, but not this side of the week-end I'm afraid.
I'll dust of the LO now I'm back, I'm afraid I've rather lost track of things.
In the meantime, if you have a few minutes my most recent story failed to get 'plugged' due to unforeseen events, its at the bottom of my sig line.
Neon.
Black Tulip
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No need to go over it again. I guess you would have noticed if it was really awful.
I'll most certainly look at your latest.
I'll most certainly look at your latest.
Dingus Guy
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BT
I purposely did not read Neolyte's critique until I was done reading the story, so I can draw my own conclusions. So here we go:
A) I too agree with the opening. It is a little too much for me. I got thrown off course trying to figure out what you meant by the phrase, "Her wrap is the color of ripe brambles, blending in with the colors of autumn..." I always thought brambles were like thorny branches, so I looked up the definition and here is what I found:
1- A prickly shrub of the genus Rubus, including the blackberry and the raspberry.
2- A prickly shrub or bush.
So what color is a ripe bramble anyway? I am guessing brownish? Or are you including the berries too? Well if you are blemding in with Autumn, they must be vibrant yellows, oranges, and browns. In otherwords, get rid of that line or restructure it. Keep the word brambles, just don't use it to describe a wrap.
B) I didn't know what brimstone was or even smelt like. That might just be me. I looked that up too. Sulfur smell. Now the line you have it in carries 2 messages. Here is the line:
"The air carries a faint trace of brimstone, and Tara steps back."
It just seems out of place to pull these 2 messages together. Does the smell drive her back? Or is that apparition appearing in front of her?
C) The last sex scene carries the line "...spreading her juices..."
I think you meant lips.
D) I did not like the ending too much. Tara almost comes away as victorious. I think you could have went another route to complete the circle, and have Radu pull Tara away from her life to join him because of what Una did. Una casts the spell to send the demon back, but because of the previous incantation, Tara must join him.
I want this soul to love and keep,
till the everlasting sleep.
Just a thought. Now the story as a whole wasn't as erotic as it could have been. Build up the 3 way a little, let the pentagram carry a sexual force to have the 3 of the them engage playfully with each other before you tug them apart. Let the girls come together before Coyle ultimately chooses. Have Tara seduce Una, and Una can't resist her advances while in the pentagram. You can have Tara repeating words while she seduces both of them. In Una's head she fills herself losing control and the struggle she has within herself. Have Tara make a mistake which causes Coyle to choose Una over her. Don't just have Coyle say I want Una and not you! Doesn't fit. No background behind that decision.
BT, the story can be better, but it isn't bad at all. Just need more sex in your sex scenes. Expand the love making a little in the end too. I also agree with Neo to build more story in the reason the characters have come to this place and why they are doing what they are doing. I know it is explained, but you need to give that a little more detail and bulk. I hope this was helpful.
Al
I purposely did not read Neolyte's critique until I was done reading the story, so I can draw my own conclusions. So here we go:
A) I too agree with the opening. It is a little too much for me. I got thrown off course trying to figure out what you meant by the phrase, "Her wrap is the color of ripe brambles, blending in with the colors of autumn..." I always thought brambles were like thorny branches, so I looked up the definition and here is what I found:
1- A prickly shrub of the genus Rubus, including the blackberry and the raspberry.
2- A prickly shrub or bush.
So what color is a ripe bramble anyway? I am guessing brownish? Or are you including the berries too? Well if you are blemding in with Autumn, they must be vibrant yellows, oranges, and browns. In otherwords, get rid of that line or restructure it. Keep the word brambles, just don't use it to describe a wrap.
B) I didn't know what brimstone was or even smelt like. That might just be me. I looked that up too. Sulfur smell. Now the line you have it in carries 2 messages. Here is the line:
"The air carries a faint trace of brimstone, and Tara steps back."
It just seems out of place to pull these 2 messages together. Does the smell drive her back? Or is that apparition appearing in front of her?
C) The last sex scene carries the line "...spreading her juices..."
I think you meant lips.
D) I did not like the ending too much. Tara almost comes away as victorious. I think you could have went another route to complete the circle, and have Radu pull Tara away from her life to join him because of what Una did. Una casts the spell to send the demon back, but because of the previous incantation, Tara must join him.
I want this soul to love and keep,
till the everlasting sleep.
Just a thought. Now the story as a whole wasn't as erotic as it could have been. Build up the 3 way a little, let the pentagram carry a sexual force to have the 3 of the them engage playfully with each other before you tug them apart. Let the girls come together before Coyle ultimately chooses. Have Tara seduce Una, and Una can't resist her advances while in the pentagram. You can have Tara repeating words while she seduces both of them. In Una's head she fills herself losing control and the struggle she has within herself. Have Tara make a mistake which causes Coyle to choose Una over her. Don't just have Coyle say I want Una and not you! Doesn't fit. No background behind that decision.
BT, the story can be better, but it isn't bad at all. Just need more sex in your sex scenes. Expand the love making a little in the end too. I also agree with Neo to build more story in the reason the characters have come to this place and why they are doing what they are doing. I know it is explained, but you need to give that a little more detail and bulk. I hope this was helpful.
Al
Black Tulip
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Dingus,
Thank you. Between you and Neon I think I know enough to work a bit more on it.
It will mean no submitting right away, but I hope I can fix it this week.
Thank you. Between you and Neon I think I know enough to work a bit more on it.
It will mean no submitting right away, but I hope I can fix it this week.
CrimsonMaiden
Pretty in Pink
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BT, I've read through it and it seems DG and Neon have pretty much summed up what I thought.
To be honest, the ending was very confusing to me. From the way the spirit left her, it seemed she was satisified, but I had no clue she was dead. The part with Tara really doesn't make sense to me either. I don't know, maybe I missed something somewhere. Over all, I think the story has very good potential. With the suggestions DG and Neon have made, it should shape up to be one hell of a story.
I haven't even started on mine. I haven't written much of anything lately with the exception of srps (man, those are addicting!); I've really had no ideas. Feel like I have lost my muse. I did finally start on a new story (but not the challenge story). At this rate, I don't even know if I am going to have a valid idea for Nano.
To be honest, the ending was very confusing to me. From the way the spirit left her, it seemed she was satisified, but I had no clue she was dead. The part with Tara really doesn't make sense to me either. I don't know, maybe I missed something somewhere. Over all, I think the story has very good potential. With the suggestions DG and Neon have made, it should shape up to be one hell of a story.
I haven't even started on mine. I haven't written much of anything lately with the exception of srps (man, those are addicting!); I've really had no ideas. Feel like I have lost my muse. I did finally start on a new story (but not the challenge story). At this rate, I don't even know if I am going to have a valid idea for Nano.
Dingus Guy
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Hiya CM, don't lose hope
Dingus Guy said:
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Thanks Crim,
Maybe a little step back can give you a fresh perspective. Take a tiny break, do something else till the start of NaNo perhaps?
Edited to add: I changed the end. So there'll be something new to lure you all into reading again. And voting of course. LOL
Maybe a little step back can give you a fresh perspective. Take a tiny break, do something else till the start of NaNo perhaps?
Edited to add: I changed the end. So there'll be something new to lure you all into reading again. And voting of course. LOL
Last edited:
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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Mine is up too. That was really verrrrry fast. And my weekend was a bit shorter than expected. LOL
I thought it was non-human but Laurel made it a horror story.
Edited:
I should have known better, bombed already.
Three 1's in a row???
I thought it was non-human but Laurel made it a horror story.
Edited:
I should have known better, bombed already.
Three 1's in a row???
Last edited:
Dingus Guy
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Halloween Story
I finished it 2am yesterday, and now having my editor do a quick look through to find spelling mistakes. That is to say she has the time before I submit it on Friday. I had a tough time finishing it up with the baseball playoffs being as great as they have been. I worked in between innings
. I also got carried away with the story and went a little shy of 15,000 words. The story actually isn't finished because I ended it with a lame "TO BE CONTINUED.."
I had to change a large part of the story because morally I didn't feel comfortable with it. I don't think the story is all that great, but at least I met the deadline and challenge criteria.
As soon as it is accepted I will post that info here.
The story is called, "A Spell of Salacity"
Bump..Bump
I finished it 2am yesterday, and now having my editor do a quick look through to find spelling mistakes. That is to say she has the time before I submit it on Friday. I had a tough time finishing it up with the baseball playoffs being as great as they have been. I worked in between innings
. I also got carried away with the story and went a little shy of 15,000 words. The story actually isn't finished because I ended it with a lame "TO BE CONTINUED.."I had to change a large part of the story because morally I didn't feel comfortable with it. I don't think the story is all that great, but at least I met the deadline and challenge criteria.
As soon as it is accepted I will post that info here.
The story is called, "A Spell of Salacity"
Bump..Bump
Dingus Guy
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Well my story got rejected for the following reasons:
1- Spelling- I ran my story through a $30 spell check program I had purchased online. It's actual more than a spell check program, but nevertheless used it twice at the finish of my story.
2- Underage Sexual Relationship- The only sexual element in the whole story came from a masturbation scene by two 18-year old girls. I used the story's framework in the past to setup the present day of the story. I started with 2 8-year old girls, and because of that I got my story rejected unfairly. Not once did I put either of the children in any sexual situation.
I am totally bummed about it. It was the longest story I ever submitted here and took a lot of time and effort to accomplish. I resubmitted it with a similar explaination, but I doubt they will even pay it any time.
1- Spelling- I ran my story through a $30 spell check program I had purchased online. It's actual more than a spell check program, but nevertheless used it twice at the finish of my story.
2- Underage Sexual Relationship- The only sexual element in the whole story came from a masturbation scene by two 18-year old girls. I used the story's framework in the past to setup the present day of the story. I started with 2 8-year old girls, and because of that I got my story rejected unfairly. Not once did I put either of the children in any sexual situation.
I am totally bummed about it. It was the longest story I ever submitted here and took a lot of time and effort to accomplish. I resubmitted it with a similar explaination, but I doubt they will even pay it any time.
Black Tulip
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Awww, Dingus.
I am really sorry for you.
Don't give up hope yet.
You never know.
And if it's a good story, try placing it on another website.
I am really sorry for you.
Don't give up hope yet.
You never know.
And if it's a good story, try placing it on another website.
Dingus Guy
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Black Tulip said:Awww, Dingus.
I am really sorry for you.
Don't give up hope yet.
You never know.
And if it's a good story, try placing it on another website.
Thanks BT. Not sure what website I should put it. I never said it was a good story though.
Dingus Guy
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Well, after submitting the same exact story with an explanation to what it was about, it got accepted the 2nd time around. It was posted today, but alas it was too late for the Halloween Contest which ended today. Not that I wrote anything good, but it would have been nice to qualify. It is the only time you actually get a lot of people to read your story.
Starting after midnight Monday at 12:01am, the Nanowrimo event kicks off. Is anyone interested in trying it? The object is to write 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Approximately 1770 words per day. It is a feat, but more and more people succeed each year. I got double ear infection which gave me Vertigo right in the middle of my story, so I never finished. Not sure I ever would have, but I want to give it another shot.
I did it with Crimson Maiden last year and I certainly hope she is interested in doing it again. As I remember she would have completed it last year had she not started over after the first week. You out there CM?
National Novel Writer's Month: NANOWRIMO
Not that I wrote anything good, but it would have been nice to qualify. It is the only time you actually get a lot of people to read your story.Starting after midnight Monday at 12:01am, the Nanowrimo event kicks off. Is anyone interested in trying it? The object is to write 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Approximately 1770 words per day. It is a feat, but more and more people succeed each year. I got double ear infection which gave me Vertigo right in the middle of my story, so I never finished. Not sure I ever would have, but I want to give it another shot.
I did it with Crimson Maiden last year and I certainly hope she is interested in doing it again. As I remember she would have completed it last year had she not started over after the first week. You out there CM?
National Novel Writer's Month: NANOWRIMO
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
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A cheerful bump.
One of the stories that developed as a challenge in this thread has been published!!!
I got two numbers of the Fall/Winter issue of Smut Magazine in the post yesterday. I feel so proud looking at my piece in print.
http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/xmas/xmas6.gif
One of the stories that developed as a challenge in this thread has been published!!!
I got two numbers of the Fall/Winter issue of Smut Magazine in the post yesterday. I feel so proud looking at my piece in print.
http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/xmas/xmas6.gif
CrimsonMaiden
Pretty in Pink
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I missed that when it was posted. Congrats BT!
Okay, anyone interested in reviving the club?
Okay, anyone interested in reviving the club?
CrimsonMaiden said:
Me Too!
Congrats BT. Which story?
I found Challenge Club a great help when I first joined the forum (as Wills). It helped me iron out certain directions I wanted my writing to take.
Now, I'm not sure how much I could contribute, there are other demands upon my time, writing and non-writing.
Good to see you around a bit more CM.
Black Tulip
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Hi guys,
It was the horror story about the gargoyle.
As for reviving this thread, I'm not sure. I haven't been writing since NaNo. Too much shit at work, too much time needed for my study and a love life that is starting to get back into working order. LOL
I do intend to spend a bit more time on writing and the SDC though. I find that participating there is very useful and it gives me the feeling of giving something back.
Maybe I just need a kick in the butt?
It was the horror story about the gargoyle.
As for reviving this thread, I'm not sure. I haven't been writing since NaNo. Too much shit at work, too much time needed for my study and a love life that is starting to get back into working order. LOL
I do intend to spend a bit more time on writing and the SDC though. I find that participating there is very useful and it gives me the feeling of giving something back.
Maybe I just need a kick in the butt?
CrimsonMaiden
Pretty in Pink
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I found the CC was helpful in jumpstarting my imagination for a story. Having serious problems these days coming up with ideas.
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