The Black Cloud

[sirhugs]

I've been fortunate enough to get a lot of red H's on my recent stories. The validation frankly helps me going.
So after much urging on both the story Ideas and Author's hangout forums and in DMs from respected writers, I wrote The Black Cloud , a story very personal to me. More reality at than fantasy, though the sex part is pure fantasy. I thought it was well written, with enough hot sex. It is in EC, for lack of a better category.

I know I probably should not complain about a story hovering round 4.3, but I can't for the life of me figure out why this is less deserving than my recent "HOT" entries.

Thoughts?
Be kind... I'm still struggling with the black cloud.

 

[NaughteeDragon]

I started reading Black Cloud and I’ll tell you my opinion on why I think it’s not doing as well.
Therapist-patient is a very emotionally intimate relationship. It also has very strict boundaries. Those boundaries are why the relationship can flourish. There is no pressure worrying about the relationship crossing those boundaries. When that relationship crosses that boundary it feels wrong.
I stopped reading when she let him touch her tits. It bothered me, a lot.
It could very well be a great story with powerful emotional depth. I will never find out because I cannot get past that first scene. That is a violation that makes me very uncomfortable.

 

[sirhugs]

I started reading Black Cloud and I’ll tell you my opinion on why I think it’s not doing as well.
Therapist-patient is a very emotionally intimate relationship. It also has very strict boundaries. Those boundaries are why the relationship can flourish. There is no pressure worrying about the relationship crossing those boundaries. When that relationship crosses that boundary it feels wrong.
I stopped reading when she let him touch her tits. It bothered me, a lot.
It could very well be a great story with powerful emotional depth. I will never find out because I cannot get past that first scene. That is a violation that makes me very uncomfortable.

sorry that you feel that way, but I doubt it explains the scores. Thanks for the reply anyway.

 

[sirhugs]

bumpity bump
still hoping for some useful feedback on the scoring of this story as compared to recent stories I wrote that got ranked hot.
Am i just blinded by my immersion in this particular tale?

 

[ElectricBlue]

sorry that you feel that way, but I doubt it explains the scores. Thanks for the reply anyway.

I read it after your first post and to be honest, @NaughteeDragon might be on the money, that the story pushes too hard against credibility. Further, even though it's short, he's a depressing character - the words suicidal turns up twice in the first hundred or so words, which is hardly the promise of a fun story, going on. You then write about her great tits and kept on about it, which is school boyish and turns into cliché. It's not a convincing story.

bumpity bump
still hoping for some useful feedback on the scoring of this story as compared to recent stories I wrote that got ranked hot.
Am i just blinded by my immersion in this particular tale?

I think you might be, yes. It's hard to be kind - it's a quickie, but not very deep.

 

[sirhugs]

I read it after your first post and to be honest, @NaughteeDragon might be on the money, that the story pushes too hard against credibility. Further, even though it's short, he's a depressing character - the words suicidal turns up twice in the first hundred or so words, which is hardly the promise of a fun story, going on. You then write about her great tits and kept on about it, which is school boyish and turns into cliché. It's not a convincing story.

I think you might be, yes. It's hard to be kind - it's a quickie, but not very deep.

I might buy this theory if the score was awful, but it isn't, it's just mediocre- that's what puzzles me. I can accept it when I post a piece that I know is eccentric - see Mom's New Cock- but that isn't what's happening here.
I also disagree about depth. I think the story has good depth for a short story. Not every story can be a novel.

 

[LoneMilf]

I gave it a look too. Have to agree with the previous posters, the story just doesn't feel realistic. More like a written version of a standard porn scenario.

Nothing wrong with that, but hardly something that generates highscores.

 

[sirhugs]

I gave it a look too. Have to agree with the previous posters, the story just doesn't feel realistic. More like a written version of a standard porn scenario.

Nothing wrong with that, but hardly something that generates highscores.

That's not what I read the other posters as saying, but thank you for your contribution. I'm still confused about its mediocre score- could more easily accept a very low score. Wrote it for catharsis (and demand by some online friends), so should not be this worked up about it, but I are.

 

[LoneMilf]

That's not what I read the other posters as saying, but thank you for your contribution. I'm still confused about its mediocre score- could more easily accept a very low score. Wrote it for catharsis (and demand by some online friends), so should not be this worked up about it, but I are.

So I gave a few of your stories that have earned the H mark a look. I thought there might be something that would make them stand out or be significantly better than The Black Cloud. No such luck. The ones I skimmed all seemed similar in style and (lack of) depth. You might just want to let it be for a while and see if things change when more people read it.

 

[PennyThompson]

I gave it a read, and here's how I received it... Keeping in mind that I don't think I'm the intended audience for it

It feels like there's real pain beneath the porn plot, you're baring some of your genuine struggles here. Depression and mortality are so raw and real, and you're in it, not looking back with hindsight. That could be powerful, and could even be a comfort to some people!

...and then your therapist rips her shirt off and tells you to grab her tits. It feels like she loses any agency (if she ever had any to begin with) in order to fulfill a pretty straightforward fantasy. Which isn't a bad thing, this is the place for fantasies!

But that emotional whiplash makes it difficult to enjoy. This could have been a silly stroker, or it could have been a serious reflection on depression and death and the desire for comfort and connection. By trying to be both, it doesn't work very well as either, at least for me.

 

[sirhugs]

I gave it a read, and here's how I received it... Keeping in mind that I don't think I'm the intended audience for it

It feels like there's real pain beneath the porn plot, you're baring some of your genuine struggles here. Depression and mortality are so raw and real, and you're in it, not looking back with hindsight. That could be powerful, and could even be a comfort to some people!

...and then your therapist rips her shirt off and tells you to grab her tits. It feels like she loses any agency (if she ever had any to begin with) in order to fulfill a pretty straightforward fantasy. Which isn't a bad thing, this is the place for fantasies!

But that emotional whiplash makes it difficult to enjoy. This could have been a silly stroker, or it could have been a serious reflection on depression and death and the desire for comfort and connection. By trying to be both, it doesn't work very well as either, at least for me.

thanks for the feedback