That super-fine line when you're asked for advice.

[warrior queen]

I'm having a bit of trouble sticking to that line. Mainly because it's my daughter asking.... and my firat instinct is to take her side and 'make it all better'.
I'm doing it though - deep breath and wait 10 minutes before I reply

Who was the putz that said you can let go when your kids get all growed-up?
He lied.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

TRUE.

It only gets worse.

My son came for a visit this weekend and complained that I shoulda done something to stop his first marriage. Why waste my breath, he's 43 and doesn't accept counsel yet.

 

[warrior queen]

TRUE.

It only gets worse.

My son came for a visit this weekend and complained that I shoulda done something to stop his first marriage. Why waste my breath, he's 43 and doesn't accept counsel yet.

OMG! I have something in common!

I want my kids to sort their stuff out, in the mature, responsible way I have shown them to....
Not happening

 

[warrior queen]

Part of me wants to yell "Deal with it!"
The other, mummy bit, wants to hold her close and make it all go away

 

[parodyluvr75]

Love is deaf and dumb. Youth never listens.

 

[pointless]

what's a firat?

 

[warrior queen]

what's a firat?

Fuck it - I'm on my phone and the teeny-tiny letters are too close for my farmer-woman fingers.
DWI.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

OMG! I have something in common!

I want my kids to sort their stuff out, in the mature, responsible way I have shown them to....
Not happening

They never do. They must experience failure.

30 years ago I bought my oldest daughter a VW, and had it reconditioned to be safe and dependable for school. I made sure she understood to park the car if the engine warning light ever came ON.

So she got a snotty nose boyfriend, and when the engine light came ON he talked her into driving on. She ruined the engine and came to me bawling. I said TOUGH SHIT KIDDO YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO AND BLEW IT OFF.

People get in the shit, not because they don't know, but because they think theyre so smart.

 

[warrior queen]

They never do. They must experience failure.

30 years ago I bought my oldest daughter a VW, and had it reconditioned to be safe and dependable for school. I made sure she understood to park the car if the engine warning light ever came ON.

So she got a snotty nose boyfriend, and when the engine light came ON he talked her into driving on. She ruined the engine and came to me bawling. I said TOUGH SHIT KIDDO YOU KNEW WHAT TO DO AND BLEW IT OFF.

People get in the shit, not because they don't know, but because they think theyre so smart.

I hear you.
I don't want to, but I do.

 

[Aphro]

Sometimes though, when people ask for advice...not just your kids, but anyone...they don't REALLY want your advice, they just want someone to listen while they talk it through, so that they can get things sorted in their own mind and figure it out themselves. If you start telling them what you think they should do, they get all pissy and put out.

I can't comment on dealing with this with adult children, as my eldest just entered the teen years, and that is starting out reeeaaaaal well...

 

[warrior queen]

Sometimes though, when people ask for advice...not just your kids, but anyone...they don't REALLY want your advice, they just want someone to listen while they talk it through, so that they can get things sorted in their own mind and figure it out themselves. If you start telling them what you think they should do, they get all pissy and put out.

I can't comment on dealing with this with adult children, as my eldest just entered the teen years, and that is starting out reeeaaaaal well...

Yeah, I get that. Most times I don't offer any advice unless I'm specifically asked.

The teen years are fun - embrace them!
If you're lucky you get teens that can actually think and hold a decent conversation.

 

[indy0311]

Sometimes though, when people ask for advice...not just your kids, but anyone...they don't REALLY want your advice, they just want someone to listen while they talk it through, so that they can get things sorted in their own mind and figure it out themselves. If you start telling them what you think they should do, they get all pissy and put out.

I can't comment on dealing with this with adult children, as my eldest just entered the teen years, and that is starting out reeeaaaaal well...

This is the toughest lesson a man must learn... that sometimes people just want to be heard as they walk themselves to an answer. A man's first instinct is "Solve the problem and move on". Too often, in doing so, the lesson that should be learned from the situation is lost -- and the only one learned is that "Dad" will handle it...

 

[Tryharder62]

My sister is a good one for blaming anything that goes wrong in her life on the person who cared enough to listen or try to help. Nothing could ever be her fault. It was the hardest thing ever to stop helping.

 

[Lancecastor]

I'm having a bit of trouble sticking to that line. Mainly because it's my daughter asking.... and my firat instinct is to take her side and 'make it all better'.
I'm doing it though - deep breath and wait 10 minutes before I reply

Who was the putz that said you can let go when your kids get all growed-up?
He lied.

Maybe you give shitty advice.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Sometimes though, when people ask for advice...not just your kids, but anyone...they don't REALLY want your advice, they just want someone to listen while they talk it through, so that they can get things sorted in their own mind and figure it out themselves. If you start telling them what you think they should do, they get all pissy and put out.

I can't comment on dealing with this with adult children, as my eldest just entered the teen years, and that is starting out reeeaaaaal well...

Youre right. Ofttimes the 'problem' is a metaphoric appeal for concern and caring.

I usta tell patients that sex is half of a good marriage, and sensitivity to what your spouse really wants is the other half.

I also wonder if we aren't fishing for a shot in the dark miracle to save the day when we seek advice.