Tell a Joke

[fraankhardy]

Wife Kidnapped!

A couple were recently married, when the husband arrived at his house he found that his new bride was nowhere to be found. Understandably, he got deeply worried and contacted all his friends and asked where she might be without success. However, two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen.

He asked her what she has been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.

She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for an entire week!"

The husband answered, "But it's only been two days, so how could it have been a week?"

"Oh sorry! I mean they will hav wild sex with me for a week, I just came home to get something to eat!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Cast Away!

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

 

[fraankhardy]

Drop my daughter!

Employee: Sir, you called me?

Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.

Boss: Do it again.

Employee: Done again, sir.

Boss: Do it once more.

Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.

Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.

 

[fraankhardy]

My Cycle!

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a Cycle "

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My Cycle."

 

[fraankhardy]

Witnessing Childbirth!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to an emergency call. A woman was on the verge of having a baby at her home.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, the woman's three year old daughter to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

The mother pushed and pushed and very soon, a little baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and smacked him on his bottom. The baby began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Dynamic Architecture - David Fisher (Watch Full Screen)

"Since the dawn of humanity, man has seeked to exceed the limits of previous generations. The achievement of new limits in Architecture has been written in history as a reminder to new generations. Humanity has to pursue virtue and knowledge. New limits and prospects are now opened. Buildings are now able to change their shape and be part of environment. This is the era of Dynamic Architecture"

David Fisher Architect (Florence - Italy)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=RgNoLWTmsng

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why
baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies,"
and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well, here is the low down on the whole thing:

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv 'em, Hug 'em and Pamper 'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will, you see.

 

[Leigh81]

Dear Dr Phil,
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my
bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there,
arms folded...watching me . Is she a pervert or what?


L

 

[fraankhardy]

Advantages of Banana!

Teacher Asks a Question To The Whole Class.

“Students, Give 3 Advantage Of Banana.”

Boys:
1. Rich in Calcium.
2. Reduces Cholesterol.
3. No Risk Of Cancer.

Girls:
1. No Risk Of Pregnancy.
2. No HIV.
3. No Need Of Partner.

 

[MayorMcT]

A mechanic accidentally splashes brake fluid on his tongue one day and discovers that he likes the taste. He takes to sipping from the bottle during his work day: just a little at first, then a lot, then a full pint sized bottle each day.

His co-worker is getting concerned. "I think you're addicted."

"Addicted!" the mechanic responds in anger to the accusation. "I'm not addicted. It's just brake fluid. I can stop anytime I want."

 

[MayorMcT]

A blonde walks into a bar...

...and falling to her ass, says, "Ouch! Did see that."

 

[MayorMcT]

This is a classic better told in person, but lets see if it translates here, "on paper":


Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupting--

Mooooooooooooooooooo....

 

[fraankhardy]

Thumb sucking!

A girl was at her wit`s end trying to stop a 4 year-old nephew, Todd, from sucking his thumb. Finally, she told him if he didn`t stop, his stomach would get very big and puffy.

The following Sunday in church, there happened to be a very pregnant lady sitting in the same pew. Todd kept staring at her.
When the service was over, he pulled at her arm and whispered, "Your stomach is big and puffy... I know what you`ve been doing!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Long Stem!

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage. She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, jonny?
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I`m sorry. That`s the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn`t know the stem was that long!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Needs to be punished !

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we`re going up to our room for a little while."
Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.
"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."

 

[fraankhardy]

Making babies !

Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry.
"What`s wrong, son? Why are you crying?", the father asked.
"You`re hurting my mommy," the little boy replied.
"No, no," the father reassured. "I`m not hurting her. We are making babies."
This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room, the couple went back to their business.
The next day the father came home from work and found his son, on the steps, crying.
"What`s the matter today?" asked Dad.
"It`s those babies you were making with mommy yesterday," the boy answered.
"The mailman ate them today."

 

[fraankhardy]

Complete the proverb !

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than....................Punch a kid bigger than you
Strike while the .........................Bug is close
Never underestimate the power of..........Termites
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don`t bite the hand that................. looks dirty
No news is................................impossible
A miss is as good as a....................Mr.
You can t teach an old dog new............maths
If you lie down with dogs, you ll.........stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........................me
The pen is mightier than the..............pigs
An idle mind is..........................The best way to relax
Where there s smoke there s...............pollution
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents
A penny saved is..........................not much
Two`s company, three`s....................The Musketeers
Don`t put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded
If at first you don t succeed.............get new batteries
You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way

And the favorite...
Better late than..........................be pregnant

 

[fraankhardy]

Mommy`s balloons!

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn`t forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she`ll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that`s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny`s dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy`s dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy`s dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy`s balloons and she`s screaming `Oh God, I`m coming!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Married ???

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem.
She recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let`s try again," the teacher says patiently.
She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It`s simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it`s not technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy`s angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.
"C`mon," the boy said impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one who`s sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Blessing in disguise!

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I`m gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she`d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You`re gay -- doesn`t that mean you put other men`s penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that`s right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

The rhyming boyfriends!

This guy has four daughters.
One Friday night the doorbell rings.
The guy answers it and a kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Freddy. I`m here to pick up Betty. We`re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man mildly amused, calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers.
A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Jim. I`m here to see Kim. We`re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says, "Yes," and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers.
A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Joe. I`m here to pick up Flo. We`re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed, says, "Yes." The two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers.
A kid standing there says, "Hi, I`m Chuck.."

The father shot him.

 

[fraankhardy]

Potential and reality!

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment.
He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "Let`s make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you`ve learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.
He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don`t tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I`ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we`re living with a couple of whores."

 

[fraankhardy]

The lucky break!

Four guys were telling stories in a bar.
One guy leaves to go to the restroom.
Three guys are left...
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he`s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he`s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom.
The first three explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I`m embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he`s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

 

[fraankhardy]

Getting hard!

One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn`t figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn`t understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend," My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."

 

[fraankhardy]

Johnny`s Oral test!!!

Little Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he`d done so well during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they gave him an oral exam to make up for the test he missed. The principal agreed so they called Little Johnny into the office and explained to him what they were going to do.
First the teacher asked, "Johnny, what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"
Little Johnny replied, "Legs."
Next the teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don`t have in my pants?"
Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Finally the teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"
Little Johnny replied. "Rome."
The teacher turned to the principal and asked," What do you think, should we pass him?"
The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong."