Tell a Joke

[fraankhardy]

Drunken Dad

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts, "Your mom`s the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he`s back harassing the young man.
For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man`s ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you`re drunk!"

 

[fraankhardy]

A tasty revenge

A girl and her boyfriend got to the local pub. When it`s the girls turn to buy a round, she tells him that she has heard of a wonderful new drink he simply must try.
She returns with the usual half of lager for herself. For him, she has two glasses. One contains a measure of baileys, the other lime juice.
She hands him the glasses and says, "Ok, what you have to do is, you gotta swig the baileys, hold it in your mouth for a few seconds, and then drink the lime juice."
He looks a bit dubious, but shes very enthusiastic so he decides to give it a go. First the baileys; lovely smooth, creamy, warm feeling in the mouth.
Then he takes the lime juice.
1 second: The cream in the baileys curdles
3 seconds: Boyfriends face turns the color of the lime juice
5 seconds: Boyfriend calms his stomach & swallows the gunge
He turns to his girlfriend and asks what the drink is called to which she whispers in his ear, "Blowjob Revenge!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Dirty words

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn`t wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I`ll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife.
"I`m going to the bar, pretty face. I`m going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn`t know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass...". He didn`t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d`oeuvres that are really delicious...I won`t be long. I`ll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d`oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d`oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..."
The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN` BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN` MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN` SNACKS - YOU AREN`T GOING TO THE FUCKIN` BAR !!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

 

[fraankhardy]

It hurts

One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for a place to sleep for the night. He was so tired that he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club.
That night two drunk patrons are walking to their car and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him up the ass. When they are done they slip $10 in his pocket and walk away.
The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. He rushes over to the nearest liquor store and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!" The clerk obliges.
That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot. At the end of the evening the same two patrons walk out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him in the ass, but this time they leave $20 for him.
The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to the same liquor store and says, "Give me $20 of your best liquor."
The clerk looks at him and says, "You could get more if you get the cheap stuff."
The wino replies, "I know, but that cheap shit makes my ass hurt."

 

[fraankhardy]

Heartburn !

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini. By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

 

[fraankhardy]

Finish ??

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular Scandinavian-looking young blonde.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they made love.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached out for her and the love making resumed.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The love making ends, and again, the young man smiles, and asks, "OK, now you finish?"
And once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly purrs, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they climax simultaneously -- screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.
The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiling proudly, and says, "Now you finish!"
"No!" she shouts back, "I Swedish!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Prank Call...

Lady: Hi, Good Afternoon.
Radio Station: Good Afternoon, what can we do for you?
Lady: Please, I'll like to get two tickets for the Pitbull LIVE show this weekend.
Radio Station: Well, you'll get the tickets for free only if you play a prank on someone on air & make them believe it.
Lady: That's ok.
Radio Station: Are you married? Do you have kids?
Lady: Yes, I have a son.
Radio Station: Good, you will call your husband & tell him he is not the father of your son.
Lady: Wow, that's a big one.
Radio Station: Well it depends on how bad you want the tickets and anyway we will be live on air listening and step in to tell him it's all prank.
Lady: Ok, let's do this 'cause I really want the tickets.
RADIO: Ok, where is he right now?
Lady: He's at the office. His number is......

(Radio station calls the husband)

Lady: Hello Love!
Husband: Hi Baby!
Lady: How is work?
Husband: Good, can't wait to get back home & make sweet love to you.
Lady: Me too! But em... there's something I need to tell you.
Husband: Ok, I'm all ears dear!
Lady: You know I love you?
Husband: Yes I do!
Lady: And we promised to always be sincere to each other?
Husband: Yes we did, you're starting to scare me dear, please, what's this all about?
Lady: Something happened in my office Nine years ago.
Husband: What happened?
Lady: The annual x-mas party we had in the office 9yrs ago I got drunk & had sex with a co-worker, you are not the father of our son.
Husband: What!
Lady: I just felt you should know.
Husband: Are you crazy?
Lady: I'm sorry love, I just needed to get it off my chest.
Husband: I can't believe this.
Lady: Am sorry love, please forgive me.
Husband: You want forgiveness? OK you have to forgive this, I have been sleeping with your sister for the past 5 yrs.
Radio Station: Oh God!
Lady: What did you just say?
Husband: You heard me, we just confessed our sins to each other. Is there someone there with you?
Radio Station: Sir, this is a prank & you are on air. We asked your wife to play a prank on you so you guys can get tickets to go watch the Pitbull live show this weekend.
Husband: Oh shit!

 

[fraankhardy]

Real Company Names

All of these are legitimate companies, who didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear! They are hysterical! These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.
Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views.
Their website address is: www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island'.
It can be found at: www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com

6. 'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ipanywhere.com

7. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com

 

[fraankhardy]

Radio Competition.

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Shane: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Shane: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o`clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Shane ?
Shane: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Shane: Ohhhh , I can`t say that.
Presenter: There`s a holiday to Bali at stake here Shane !
Shane: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Shane, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Shane: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Kylie, how are you ?
Kylie: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We`ve got Shane on the other line, say hello.
Kylie: Hi Shane.
Shane: Hi Kylie.
Presenter: Now Kylie, we`re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Shane and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Shane: Just tell the truth Honey.
Kylie: O.K.
Presenter: Kylie, when was the last time you had sex ?
Kylie: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can`t say that on radio.
Shane: Kylie, it doesn`t matter. I`ve already told them.
Kylie: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Shane went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Kylie ?
Kylie: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That`s close enough ... Shane was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Kylie, final question. Where did you do it ?
Kylie: Oh no I can`t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There`s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Shane: Kylie, I`ve already told them so it doesn`t matter anyway.. just tell em.
Kylie: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !

 

[fraankhardy]

Diagnostic computer!

One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, " Don`t do that. There`s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren`t yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don`t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

[fraankhardy]

Cell Phone...

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!"
"I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who`s phone is this?"

 

[fraankhardy]

Size Doesn't Matter...

At the International Gynecology Association's conference, a French doctor was discussing unusual cases with an American doctor.

"Only last week," said the Frenchman, "a woman came to me with a clitoris like a melon!"

"Don't be absurd!" said the American. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, if it were, she wouldn't have been able to walk."

"Ah, you Americans - always thinking about size," replied the French doctor. "I was talking about the flavor!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Friendly Advice!

From the doctor's mouth...
It's Winter, the Flu season is here, a friendly advice for all my mates: 'Alcohol Kills Germs!' So...

Let's walk to the pub (Exercise)

Put lime in the Vodka (Vitamin C)

Use Celery in the Bloody Mary (Veggies)

Drink outdoors on the patico (Fresh air)

Tell rude jokes & laugh (Eliminate stress)

Then finally Pass out (Rest)

The way I see it: A shot in the GLASS is better than one in the ASS...

 

[fraankhardy]

Mixup at Hospital ...

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

 

[fraankhardy]

Unique Remedy

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked.

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

[fraankhardy]

Loose & Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size as they were too loose & floppy. She insisted that the surgery be kept a secret.

Awakening after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality & that the first rose was from him.

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery"

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

[fraankhardy]

Size Matters

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved man asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

 

[fraankhardy]

Breast Enlargement

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'"

She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Yes I am.. How did you know?"

He winked and replied, "Hickory dickory dock...."

 

[fraankhardy]

Prostate Exam!

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and is then sent to a Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the doctor is a very attractive young female Urologist.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, and while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!"

The doctor says, "Great! Now turn over onto your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99"

Again, the guy says "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then... I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now... take a deep breath and say, 99."

The guy begins, "One ... Two .... Three .........."

 

[fraankhardy]

Got Milk?

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded, "Do something about this baby."

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was malnourished.

"He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said sternly. "Is he being breast fed?"

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at some length. Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a problem.

"You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid."

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

 

[fraankhardy]

The Mating Tie!

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbor's dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays. The only problem was that the spinster's own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbor's dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.

She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating, the dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage. Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone. The spinster explained the problem.

The vet said, "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch."

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied "IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Posing Nude!

David went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed nude for a picture."

The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably, just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?"

David said, "Her driver's license."

 

[fraankhardy]

This Won't Hurt a Bit...

A sweet young thang was having her annual check-up at the dentist's. He gave her the usual 'Now this won't hurt a bit,' as he leaned over her to begin.

Seconds later, he drew back in shock and exclaimed, "Miss ! You have hold of my testicles."

"Yes, I know doctor." she replied. "And we aren't going to hurt each other at all, are we?"

 

[fraankhardy]

Spem Test

A 70 year old man went for a Sperm test. Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperms.

Next day, the man came with empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand.

Then his wife tried with her left hand & right hand.

Then his daughter in law tried with both hands & mouth.

Then the neighbor's wife and daughter tried the same way... but could not open the damn Bottle!!!

 

[fraankhardy]

A Cure for AIDS

The very gay young guy was feeling ill and went to visit his doctor. After a blood test, his worst fears were realized, he had AIDS.

"What can I do, doc?" he said.

The doctor replied, "I want you to drive down to Mexico, stop in the first border town you come to and eat a dozen chili burritos and two dozen hot peppers. Then wash them down with a gallon of the local water."

The guy asked, "Will that cure my AIDS?"

"No," replied the doc. "It will teach you what your asshole is really for."