Tell a Joke

CHECK THIS HORROR STORY (UNFORTUNATELY IT'S REAL)

For the SHOCK of your life, take 1 minute to comprehend what you read below. During our lifetimes, all Presidents have issued Executive Orders. For various reasons, some have issued more than others. These things will directly affect us all, in years to come. Question is: Do YOU care enough to send this, 'shocking info,' to people you love and others?

NUMBER OF EXECUTIVE ORDERS ISSUED by U.S. Presidents in the last 100 years:

Teddy Roosevelt - 3
All Others until FDR - 0
FDR - 11 in 16 years
Truman - 5 in 7 years
Ike - 2 in 8 years
Kennedy - 4 in 3 years
LBJ - 4 in 5 years
Nixon - 1 in 6 years
Ford - 3 in 2 years
Carter - 3 in 4 years
Reagan - 5 in 8 years
Bush - 3 in 4 years
Clinton - 15 in 8 years
George W. Bush - 62 in 8 years
Obama - 923 in 3 1/2 years! More than 1000+ and counting Executive Orders in 6 years...
Read some of them below – unbelievable!
Next step -dictatorship. (Looks like we are there already!)


If you don't get the implications, you're not paying attention. How come all the other presidents in the past 100 years have not felt it necessary to INCREASE GOVERNMENT’S POWER OVER THE PEOPLE with more than 1,000 Executive Orders? This is really very scary. And most Americans have absolutely no idea what is happening.

YES, THERE IS A REASON THAT THIS PRESIDENT IS DETERMINED TO TAKE CONTROL AWAY FROM THE HOUSE AND THE SENATE.
Even some Democrats in the House have turned on him, plus a very small number of Democrat Senators have questioned him. Rightfully so. -
WHAT IS OBAMA REALLY TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH????
Remember what he told Russia's Putin: "I'll be more flexible after I'm re-elected".


Now look at these:
EXECUTIVE ORDER 10990 -- allows the government to take over all modes of transportation and control of highways and seaports.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 10995 -- allows the government to seize and control the communication media.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 10997 -- allows the government to take over all electrical power, gas, petroleum, fuels and minerals.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 10998 -- allows the government to take over all food resources and farms.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11000 -- allows the government to mobilize civilians into work brigades under government supervision.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11001 -- allows the government to take over all health, education and welfare functions.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11002 -- designates the registration of all persons. Postmaster General to operate a national registration.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11003 -- allows the government to take over all airports and aircraft, including commercial aircraft.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11004 -- allows the Housing and Finance Authority to relocate communities, build new housing with public funds, designate areas to be abandoned, and establish new locations for populations.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11005 -- allows the government to take over railroads, inland waterways and public storage facilities.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11049 -- assigns emergency preparedness function to federal departments and agencies, consolidating 21 operative Executive Orders issued over a fifteen year period.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11051 -- specifies the responsibility of the Office of Emergency Planning and gives authorization to put all Executive Orders into effect in times of increased international tensions and economic or financial crisis.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11310 -- grants authority to the Department of Justice to enforce the plans set out in Executive Orders, to institute industrial support, to establish judicial and legislative liaison, to control all aliens, to operate penal and correctional institutions, and to advise and assist the President.
EXECUTIVE ORDER 11921 -- allows the Federal Emergency Preparedness Agency to develop plans to establish control over the mechanisms of production and distribution, of energy sources, wages, salaries, credit and the flow of money in U.S. Financial institution in any undefined national emergency. It also provides that when a state of emergency is declared by the President, Congress cannot review the action for six months.
Feel free to verify the "executive orders" at will.....and these are just the major ones. I'm sure you've all heard the tale of the "Frog in the Pot"... Watch Obama's actions, not his words! By his actions he will show you where America is headed.


Obama has issued executive orders that seek to "harmonize" U.S. Economic regulations with the rest of the world. These executive orders are yet another incremental step that is pushing us closer to a North American Union and a one world economic system.
Obama used the stage at the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s I have a dream speech to announce two new executive orders infringing on your second amendment rights.. The first bans the importation of antique military firearms for sale to sportsman and collectors.. He intentionally mislabels them military grade weapons to deceive the sheeple, but make no mistake . . . the order was written specifically to ban the importation of surplus M1 carbines, M1 Garands, 1903 Springfields and other antiques coveted by collectors and sport shooters. This order is the death knell for the civilian marksmanship program. Congress had previously passed the sportsman protection act in 1986 which among other things guaranteed that the importation of the historic relics for collectors and the CMP would not be impeded by unreasonable regulations..But Emperor Obama does not bend to the will of the people or the rule of law.. He will impose on his subjects what he wishes, when he wishes. Kind of like Papa Joe Stalin or the short Austrian with the funky mustache!


Unfortunately, most Americans have absolutely no idea what is happening.


The American people need to understand that Barack Obama is constantly looking for ways to integrate the United States more deeply with the rest of the world.
The globalization of the world economy has accelerated under Obama, and this latest executive order represents a fundamental change in U.S. economic policy. Now federal regulators will be required to "harmonize" their work with the international community.


If THIS IS DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE, THEN PROVE TO YOURSELF IT'S WRONG - Google it!
http://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/executive-orders
 
An Emergency Call Center worker in New York has been sacked, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line. I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."

"Remain calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.
 
A man in the hospital looks up to a young nurse entering his room, asking, "Are my testicles black?"

She's surprised. "Excuse me...?"

He repeats through the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse wonders about his concern. She thought he was here for a problem with his heart, not a problem ... down there. "Do you want me to check?

The man nods.

She pulls back his bedding, lifts his gown, grasps his penis, moves it about for a better look -- causing him to instant harden and moan with delight -- then says, "Everything looks very good down here."

The man's eyes are rolling about in pleasure as he reaches up to remove the oxygen mask. "That's nice, and I enjoyed that, but ... can you tell me ... are my test results back?"
 
Hillbilly Mirror

After living in Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city ..

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."


He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't
like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
look at it.


His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with ."
 
Question: How many blondes does it take to go ice fishing?



Answer: Five.

One to cut the hole in the ice and four to push the boat through it.
 
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
A: Tug-of-whore.

Q: What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Ponder with Cheese.

Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock!
 
Creating a password is easy or should be ...

cabbage

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

1 boiled cabbage

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

50fuckingboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.


50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.


NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYou
DontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use!
 
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're bullshitting me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office”
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
 
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie , and with great anticipation, then crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ' It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, ' Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! 'Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
 
Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Q: What do preists and Mcdonalds have in common?
A: They both stick there meat in 10 year old buns

Q: What do you call a white guy surrounded by 9 black guys?
A: Steve Nash.

Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
 
Wife romantically : "Make love to me in such a way that my cries are heard far far away"

So the big gun sprinkled some chilly powder on the condom ...
 
Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were just cleaned
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Wife's reply:

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come with energy
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
 
A married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman, "Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts to it & see how horny it gets just as men do."

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

"See," says the woman, "Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't."

Says Mark, "Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens."

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark, "This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!"

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells, "Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!"

Mark replies, "Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same."
 
A Boy was screwing a girl on a Railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants.

The driver shouts out to the boy, "Do you realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been ur last fuck?!!!"

The Boy replied, "Listen dude, you were coming... She was cuming.... and I was cuming.... then I realised... only You had Brakes!
 
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