LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

Joke:

due to poor german translation Hitler's view about the jews was mistranslated. The correct translation gotta be:

"Six million jews killed Hitler" and not: "Hitler killed 6 million jews".
 
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex...

Husband: "Sukitaki...!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini...!"
Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo..."!
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji..."!
Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji...!"

----------------------------------------------------------------

Incredible...!
And there you sit, reading this crap as if you understand Japanese...!
I knew you guys would read anything if it was about sex.
 
Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10. If it's broccoli, it's yours.
 
oggbashan said:
1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10. If it's broccoli, it's yours.
Click to expand...

I think you might have meant Republican laws.
 
It's cold outside

I just got off the phone with friend living in Minnesota, near the
Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way
below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife
has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He
says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
 
23 Random thoughts and eternal truths

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times & still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


4. There is great need for a sarcasm typing font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary, right along there with algebra?


7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday orSaturday night more kisses begin with Coors, than Kay!


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
Redneck medical terms ie: artery the study of paintings



Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology
Medical Term Redneck Definition
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out
 
BusyAfternoon said:
23 Random thoughts and eternal truths
Click to expand...

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

This happened to me tonight. Luckily, we compromised by fucking noisily.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm typing font.

Comic Sans.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Badly.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary, right along there with algebra?

Yes to both. Algebra is the basis of logical thinking. And cursive makes you seem like hot shit. My father mastered Palmer cursive, and his elegant hand-written notes gained him promotions and power. Probably sex, too. Try it sometime.

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

Depend on how long you've been there. Have you memorized all your escape routes yet?

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

I don't usually eat liver or pass out when bored.

. I eat when I'm hungry, I drink when I'm dry
. If a tree don't fall on me, I'll live till I die

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Soccer players pulling hat tricks still haven't figured out that one.
 
This should make you feel better!



Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?


Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.


Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.


Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's the damn door!


I knew it couldn't be my fault.
 
Do You Know The Front From The Back Of A Tree?


A Redneck From Georgia Decides To Travel Across The
South To Virginia To See God's Country.



When He Gets To Franklin , He Likes The Place So Much
That He Decides To Stay. But First He Must Find A Job!



He Walks Into The International Paper Company Office
And Fills Out An Application As An Experienced Log
Inspector. It's His Lucky Day!!! They Just Happen To Be
Looking For Someone, But First, The Log Foreman Takes
Him For A Ride Into The Forest In The Company Pickup
Truck To See How Much He Knows.



The Foreman Stops The Truck On The Side Of The Road
And Points At A Tree 'see That Tree Over There? I Want
You To Tell Me What Species It Is And How Many Board
Feet Of Lumber It Contains.'



The Redneck Promptly Answers, 'that Thar's A White Pine,
383 Board Feet Of Lumber In 'er.'



The Foreman Is Impressed! He Puts The Truck In Motion
And Stops About A Mile Down The Road. He Points At
Another Tree Through The Passenger Window And Asks
The Same Question. This Time, It's A Bigger Tree Of A
Different Class.



'that's A Lob Lolly Pine And She's Got About 456 Clear
Board Feet.'



The Foreman Is Really Impressed With The Good Ol' Boy,
He Has Been Quick And Got The Answers Right Without
Using A Calculator!



One More Test. They Drive A Little Further Down The
Road, And The Foreman Stops Again. This Time, He Points Across The Road Through His Driver Side Window And
Says, 'and What About That One?'



Before The Foreman Finishes Pointing, The Redneck Says, 'white Oak, 242 Board Feet At Best.'



The Foreman Spins The Truck Around And Heads Back To
The Office A Little Ticked Off Because He Thinks The Red
Neck Is Smarter Than He Is.
As They Near The Office, The Foreman Stops The Truck
And Asks Bubba To Step Outside.



He Hands Him A Piece Of Chalk And Tells Him, 'see That Tree Over There?' 'i Want You To Mark An X On The Front Of That Tree!'



The Foreman Thinks To Himself, 'idiot, How The Hell Would
He Know Which Is The Front Of The Tree?'



When Bubba Reaches The Tree, He Goes Around It In A Circle While Looking At The Ground. He Then Reaches Up And Places
A White X On The Trunk.



He Walks Back To The Foreman And Hands Him The Chalk. 'that Thar's The Front,' The Redneck Says.



The Foreman Laughs To Himself And Asks Sarcastically, 'how
In The Hell Do You Know That's The Front Of The Tree?'



The Good Ol' Boy Looks Down At His Feet, While Rubbing The
Toe Of His Left Boot Cleaning It In The Gravel And Replies,
'cuz Somebody Took A Shit Behind It.
 
Sensitivity Course for Men ~ (Final Examination)

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You always time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!
 
Definitions.........



CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either


CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present





COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece


TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!
 
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