Tell a Joke

[fraankhardy]

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.

He raced home and told his wife, "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer.

Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."

Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... the head."

"Good. Eight seconds."

"Um... the heart."

"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Danny discovers his wife is cheating with another guy, so he goes to the guy's wife and tells her about it.

"I know what we will do," she says. "Let's take revenge on them."

So they go to a motel and take revenge.

After 10 mins, she says, "Let's take more revenge," and they take revenge again.

So like this, they kept taking more & more revenge...

After 5 times, Danny was lying spent, and she said, "Lets take revenge again." Danny said,"I cant... I have no more hard feelings left !!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Calorie Burning Tips

Calorie Burning tips for those trying to lose weight:

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent.......................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands...................................8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection......................3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary.......................................1 2 Calories
69 lying down..................................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow.................................216 Calories
Doggy Style...................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier........................ 2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real............................................11 2 Calories
Fake.........................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging........................................... ......18 Calories
Getting up immediately....................................... ......36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years........................................36 Calories
30-39 years........................................80 Calories
40-49 years......................................124 Calories
50-59 years....................................1972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending.

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................................................32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. ................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

 

[fraankhardy]

I've Fallen

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."

 

[fraankhardy]

Cheating Lawyer!

A lawyer came home after having sex in his car. Girl forgot her bra and panty in car.

The wife found them, tore them up and shouted, "You dirty bastard you have been screwing your secretary."

Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back, "Bitch! You have just destroyed the only evidence of a high profile rape case I have been working on. You can now forget about diamond necklace you were asking for."

Wife fell on her knees, crying and trying to repair the torn pieces and lawyer walked away with a smile.

 

[fraankhardy]

Cleanse me from my Sins Lord...

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your Face."

 

[fraankhardy]

Duck's Bad Day!

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.

The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey," said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

 

[fraankhardy]

Kamasutra Pose

On their 50th wedding anniversary an old couple decide to spice up their sex life with a KamaSutra handbook they picked up at a local News Agency. They looked astonishingly at the various positions contained therein.

One in particular showed a couple seated opposite one another, naked and with their legs spread apart. The man was to try to roll marbles between the woman's legs and she was to try to throw plastic hoop-la-hoops around his private.

The old woman and man smiled at one another, "This is it!" they giggled.

The old man said. "Ok... I'll go get the bowling ball."

The old woman said, "Ok... I'll take off my wedding ring."

 

[fraankhardy]

Making a Good Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration, "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

[fraankhardy]

Anybody Home???

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It`s been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house and nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That`s bad my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That`s not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle`s house to look for her. Nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

 

[fraankhardy]

Castration!!!

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men"s clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

[fraankhardy]

Sex in the Dark

There was a couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic, "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... You explain the kids!"

 

[fraankhardy]

CTC Vs In Hand

An HR manager got married. On the first night of their honey moon, on seeing his wife nude for the first time, he was furious: You have cheated me!

The astounded but smart bride asks: how?

The HR man shouts: Your Boobs are so small.... I definitely remember noticing their size when I met you at the engagement... they appeared to be much bigger...

The hitech bride replies, "Honey, what you saw and agreed upon was the CTC Package... but this is what you get in hand...

 

[BusyAfternoon]

This might be the best hand job ever...!

http://i.imgur.com/y8gwHlx.gif

 

[BusyAfternoon]

'yes We Cannabis':

Leno Jokes President Needs Young People To Get Stoned To Sign Up For Obamacare.

 

[fraankhardy]

Little Johnny getting Married!

Little Johnny (age 9) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Little Johnny him, "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies, "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do ok."

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Little Johnny answers, "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

 

[parodyluvr75]

Wife Control

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

http://www.bitoffun.com/jokes_men.htm

 

[fraankhardy]

Well Dressed Rooster!!!

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He asks, "What on earth is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm."

"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"

The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

 

[fraankhardy]

The Big Pants!

Mike was going to be married to so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly... I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike.

He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to his newlywed wife Karen, "Here, try these on..."newlywed wife She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."

Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her panties, handed them to Mike and said, "Here, you try on mine."

Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties.

Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Someone is Coming!!!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now completely nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone cuming, that was me...

 

[fraankhardy]

In Love With Horse!

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course! " the man replied. "What do you think I am... GAY???"

 

[parodyluvr75]

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."


http://www.jokes.com/funny-men-women/m22igq/abstinence

 

[fraankhardy]

Right Condom Size

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a small one... Wait! Make it medium...Wait! Make it large... Damn! Give me a tissue !!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Interview

Young girl came for Secretary's interview:

Interviewer: wht are ur abilities?

Girl: Dynamic, Sincere, Honest, Hardworking, Qualified, Experienced, Deserving, Know Typing, Proper Filing, Computer expert, know some accounts also.

Boss: anything more?

Girl: yeh, I'm Disease free and healthy, i'm on pills, know 7 positions, expert in 69 and blowjob, and most important thing live alone in my flat...!

Boss: Good gosh, now please stop or i'll have to recommend for promotion with appointment letter!!!

 

[fraankhardy]

Parents' Occupation!

The teacher in Little Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

"Mary, what does your parents do?"

Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.

"That's very nice," said the teacher. "Robert, what do your parents do?" Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!"

"That's very nice," said the teacher, "Johnny, what do your parents do?"

He stood up and pronounced, "My dad's dead and my mom's a hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" asked the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, "Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number."