LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

A guy walks into a crowded bar pointing a gun around.

"Who the fuck has been sleeping with my wife?" he shouts out.

After a minute of deadly silence, a voice from the back replies,

"I don't think you brought enough ammo!"
 
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?




M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.



What were you thinking??
 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
In a Vampire Restaurant, Everybody was ordering hot Blood of Teenage girls as drink.
.
A vampire ordered Hot Water, all others started taunting him that he is a Dracula & should be ashamed of ordering water.
.
He suddenly took out a used "ALWAYS ULTRA" from his bag & smiled saying:
.
"I USE TEA BAGS
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Some Pretty Good Science Here !!!!
Well, it is not a pretty story ... about 200 dead crows near Boston.

There was concern for Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the
remains of all the crows and confirmed the problem was definitely
NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he determined that
98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only
2% were killed by car impacts.

The Province engaged a Behavioral Ornithologist to determine the
reason(s) for the disproportionate percentages of truck versus car
kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short
order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow"
in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger. -------------------

The conclusion was that the look-out crow could say "Cah", but he
could not say "Truck."
Click to expand...

OMG! You're killing me. I think this is probably your best one yet!!!
 
 
Guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
 
The missing spoon

A man invites his mother over for dinner to introduce her to his new roommate. His mother is surprised to be introduced to a beautiful young woman and asks if they are sleeping together. After being assured that the two are just roommates dinner is served. After a lively dinner the mother insists on taking care of the cleaning up and will have no arguments.

A few days later, the young lady asks the son about a serving spoon that is missing. After searching high and low, a final conclusion is made. mom stole the spoon. Not wanting a confrontation the son sends an email to his mother:

Dear mom,

I'm not saying you stole my spoon but it was here when you came for dinner and now we can't find it.


To which the mother replied:

Dear son,

I am not saying you are sleeping with that woman but if she was sleeping in her bed you would have found the spoon by now
 
Quintuslunas said:
A man invites his mother over for dinner to introduce her to his new roommate. His mother is surprised to be introduced to a beautiful young woman and asks if they are sleeping together. After being assured that the two are just roommates dinner is served. After a lively dinner the mother insists on taking care of the cleaning up and will have no arguments.

A few days later, the young lady asks the son about a serving spoon that is missing. After searching high and low, a final conclusion is made. mom stole the spoon. Not wanting a confrontation the son sends an email to his mother:

Dear mom,

I'm not saying you stole my spoon but it was here when you came for dinner and now we can't find it.


To which the mother replied:

Dear son,

I am not saying you are sleeping with that woman but if she was sleeping in her bed you would have found the spoon by now
Click to expand...



That one made me miss my mom. She was devious like that, and entirely too funny.
 
FYI..........In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication...........the other involves a groundhog.
 
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
 
A guy in a restaurant orders soup, then complains about a hair in it.

The waitress gets him another bowl of soup.

The guy complains again about another hair and refuses to pay for it.

Then he walks across the street to a whorehouse. Being curious, the waitress follows him across the street. She walks into the back, where she finds the guy eating pussy.

The waitress screams out,"You were complaining about one damned hair in your soup! Now, dammit, look at you eating away at that pussy hair!"

The guy stops eating pussy and answers, "Yeah, and if I find one damned noodle in this pussy, I ain't paying for it either!"
 
I asked hubby for $6,00 for christmas to get a boob job, he said all I needed to do was rub between my boobs twice a day for a while, I asked how is that going to make my boobs bigger....hubby replied I have no idea, but it worked on your ass
 
Weird and Unusual Restaurants


Toilet Restaurant in Taiwan

Creative restaurant in Taipei, Taiwan with modern decor and full-on toilet theme. Marton Theme Restaurant in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, has toilet concept for their unique restaurant. They decorate the room and the chairs that created just like toilets. Tables created to look like bathtubs, and food will be served on plates and bowls that designed like toilet seats too. Customers love their delicious food combined with the toilet design make special sensation. I couldn't do this.
http://cdn.oddstuffmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/1.-Toilet-RestaurantTop-Ten-most-unique-restaurants-in-the-World.jpg

Dining in The Dark Restaurant

Dining in the Dark Restaurant is located in Beijing, China. All the restaurant rooms designed so black and so dark. Incoming visitors will be guide to the table by waiters that equipped with night view binoculars. Flashlights, mobile phones, and watches not available in this area. Visitors can only smell and taste the food by eating them in the dark. Just use your senses to enjoy the food. I've always wanted to try sex this way.
http://cdn.oddstuffmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/3.-Dark-Restaurant-Top-Ten-most-unique-restaurants-in-the-World.jpg

Dick’s Last Resort Restaurant

If you’re more of a masochist than a sadist, Dick’s Last Resort Restaurant may be just up your alley. With locations all over America including Chicago, Boston and Dallas, Dick’s will satisfy your impulses to be treated rudely, called names and ridiculed by restaurant staff. If that sounds like everyday dining to you, rest assured that Dick’s will kindly write out these insults and put them on dunce caps which you’re obligated to wear while eating. I don't know what's so different about this, just like New York.
http://cdn.oddstuffmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/dicks-last-resort-restaurant.jpg

Condom Restaurant

Cabbages and condoms is the name of this restaurant located in Thailand. There are many types of condom display on the wall, carpet and painting too. After paying the bill, visitors will be given condoms at the cashier. The profit of this restaurant used to support a foundation called Population and Community Development Association (PDA).
http://cdn.oddstuffmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/10.-Condom-Restaurant-Top-Ten-most-unique-restaurants-in-the-World.jpg
 
Last edited:
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
 
Twinkies were invented in 1930, eighty-some years ago, and it is commonly understood that thay could survive a nuclear holocaust, but could not survive 4 years of Obama.

Ironic isn't it.
 
An example of socialized medicine


Dear Sir:


The results from the lab work confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer.


It was lipstick.

We apologize for the amputation.
 
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