Tell a Joke

[Earl]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

 

[ivantheterrible]

heh heh.................................

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

http://www.political-humor.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/colt-legislator.jpg

 

[unregistered]

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The Hitman:

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure." So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed. The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like." So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure." So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!" This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife." The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?" The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

North Dakota Weather Alert!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAq1Ml3PlGc&feature=player_detailpage

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Alan Simpson, Senator from Wyoming, calls senior citizens the Greediest Generation, as he compared "Social Security" to a Milk Cow with 310 million teats.

Here's a response in a letter from PATTY MYERS in Montana ... I think she is a little ticked off! She also tells it like it is!
*******************
"Hey Alan, let's get a few things straight!

1. As a career politician, you have been on the public dole for FIFTY YEARS.

2. I have been paying Social Security taxes for 48 YEARS (since I was 15 years old. I am now 63).

3. My Social Security payments, and those of millions of other Americans, were safely tucked away in an interest bearing account for decades until you political pukes decided to raid the account and give OUR money to a bunch of zero ambition losers in return for votes, thus bankrupting the system and turning Social Security into a Ponzi scheme that would have made Bernie Madoff proud.

4. Recently, just like Lucy & Charlie Brown, you and your ilk pulled the proverbial football away from millions of American seniors nearing retirement and moved the goalposts for full retirement from age 65 to age 67. NOW, you and your shill commission is proposing to move the goalposts YET AGAIN.

5. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying into Medicare from Day One, and now you morons propose to change the rules of the game. Why? Because you idiots mismanaged other parts of the economy to such an extent that you need to steal money from Medicare to pay the bills.

6. I, and millions of other Americans, have been paying income taxes our entire lives, and now you propose to increase our taxes yet again. Why? Because you incompetent bastards spent our money so profligately that you just kept on spending even after you ran out of money. Now, you come to the American taxpayers and say you need more to pay off YOUR debt.

To add insult to injury, you label us "greedy" for calling "bullshit" on your incompetence. Well, Captain Bullshit, I have a few questions for YOU.

1. How much money have you earned from the American taxpayers during your pathetic 50-year political career?

2. At what age did you retire from your pathetic political career, and how much are you receiving in annual retirement benefits from the American taxpayers?

3. How much do you pay for YOUR government provided health insurance?

4. What cuts in YOUR retirement and healthcare benefits are you proposing in your disgusting deficit reduction proposal, or, as usual, have you exempted yourself and your political cronies?

It is you, Captain Bullshit, and your political co-conspirators called Congress who are the "greedy" ones. It is you and your fellow nutcases who have bankrupted America and stolen the American dream from millions of loyal, patriotic taxpayers. And for what?
Votes! That's right, sir. You and yours have bankrupted America for the sole purpose of advancing your pathetic political careers. You know it, we know it, and you know that we know it.

And you can take that to the bank, you miserable son of a bitch.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Guy Walks Into A Bar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dXKwPMysDA0

 

[BushyVince]

I bought my wife a vibrator for Christmas. She's done nothing but moan ever since.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Random Thoughts:

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....

I don't remember which I chose.



2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.



4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."



5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and

'stop', unless they are used together.



6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.



7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.



8. Virginity can be cured.



9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.



10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.



11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.



12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?

Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.



14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.



15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.



16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.



17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

****** FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ******





Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens

at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.


The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl

to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it

on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.


Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.



When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two

and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Americans sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


You're going to love this......



Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:





"Defrost the chicken first."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?"

"We'll, she's no Monica."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The new tattoo women are getting in Europe to protect themselves from Muslim men.

http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/iamges/sub5/pig-breast.jpg

 

[Rolando2]

I ever tell you about the time I was out in the country and pulled the vette into a country gas station for some gas. An old farmer pulled up next to me in a Model A, jumped out and asked me if he could sit behind the wheel of my vette. I said sure hop in. He sat there for a minute looking at the gauges, the dash, fingering the shifter. After a minute he hopped out, thanked me, and I hopped in and took off.

I'm cruising down the road at about 70 when I see the Model A approaching in my rear view mirror at what appeared to be a fair clip, so I stepped on the gas a little bit and took it up to 100 and all of a sudden Whhhoooosh! the son of a bitch comes around me like a fucking freight train. I look down at the speedometer and can't believe my eyes. I look up just in time to see him speeding towards me almost head on. As he approached I could see him wild eyed and maniacal as he zoomed by going in the opposite direction. HOLY SHIT! a few second later I see him getting bigger and bigger in my rear view mirror again, he coming fast.

At this point I said fuck it and pulled over to try and signal him to slow down and stop so I could take a look at what he had under the hood. He came up on in a cloud of brake smoke and dust as he screeched to a halt. I walked up to find him shaking like a leaf and totally terrified. Before I could say anything he looked up at me almost in tears and said, God Damn son, I'm so glad you stopped...I had my fucking suspenders caught in your door!!!

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-JzC2ykc_0sc/TYDd0IfE0hI/AAAAAAAABik/hncW6X0noOE/s128/27814007.gifhttps://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-JzC2ykc_0sc/TYDd0IfE0hI/AAAAAAAABik/hncW6X0noOE/s128/27814007.gif

 

[Rolando2]

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.


But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .


She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?




M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.



What were you thinking??

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-u_gH9oFmA8M/TYDeqoE4EiI/AAAAAAAABi8/ROjYeMzLhM0/s284/Columbo.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist.... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robe d the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"Thats right," said the doctor.


He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.


Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

GREAT IRISH LOGIC



An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!


Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Two Interesting But Useless Facts:

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/interesting-useless-facts-2.jpg?w=500&h=417

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/interesting-useless-facts-1.jpg?w=500&h=388

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Farting At Tiffany's

A Lady Walks Into Tiffany's .. She Looks Around, Spots A Beautiful Diamond Bracelet And Walks Over To Inspect It...

As She Bends Over To Look More Closely, She Unexpectedly Farts...

Very Embarrassed, She Looks Around Nervously To See If Anyone Noticed Her Little Woops And Prays That A Salesperson Was Not Anywhere Near...

As She Turns Around, Her Worst Nightmare Materializes In The Form Of A Salesman Standing Right Behind Her...

Good Looking As Well .. Cool As A Cucumber, He Displays All Of The Qualities One Would Expect Of A Professional In A Store Like Tiffany's...

He Politely Greets The Lady With, 'good Day, Madam .. How May We Help You Today???

Blushing And Uncomfortable, But Still Hoping That The Salesman Somehow Missed Her Little 'incident', She Asks, 'sir, What Is The Price Of This Lovely Bracelet ??'

He Answers, "madam .. If You Farted Just Looking At It - You're Going To Shit When I Tell You The Price”.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him..
The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'You are wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

All this talking and posturing about raising taxes and the upcoming debt ceiling fiasco reminds me of an old Video that says it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nia60nmqZ4A&feature=player_embedded

 

[BusyAfternoon]

You can usually tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you!

If They are behind her ears, she likes you!



http://www.babewank.com/scj/thumbs/30/799.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A Little Late But Still A Nice Holiday Surprise.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcmfCXwAFs4&feature=player_embedded