Tell a Joke

[BusyAfternoon]

My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

 

[BusyAfternoon]

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Amazon;
you need Sure Fuck Cologne!
Unless your the worlds most Fuckable Man, you need Sure Fuck Cologne!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ARNTNL2//ref =cm_sw_su_dp?tag=duiwath-20

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A practical example of how the human mind works...
http://yougottobekidding.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/image0014.jpg?w=497


For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice derriere but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a big ass - on her way to work.

- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse

- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's curves will cause by the time she reaches 50.

- But only children, the extremely intelligent, and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Definition of Handsome
Teacher in Detroit asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A GIRL NAMED Latisha says,"Sometimes when I be suckin Jamal’s soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of the American educational system sometimes
brings a tear to my eye!

 

[BusyAfternoon]

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two seats in the middle of the theater.

They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last two seats to several different young couples.

What would you do? Watch this...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=g6OaSzoSpHE

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

 

[Rolando2]

"A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though!

 

[sticky_keyboard]

The Turbo Encabulator (Safe link to YouTube)

A short film of engineering double talk delivered in a seminar setting.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works
every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone youknow INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't wantto be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the
ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or
the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end
of the performance. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the
newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But
don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

[SCMOM44]

I think something got lost in translation on that one, lol.

What's a "drawing pin" mean in the UK? And what is a "smartie"?

drawing pin = thumb tack and smartie is like a M&M

 

[oggbashan]

A good solid safety rope is essential

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dB448KYXwtI

 

[SeaDaddy1]

This trucker's eating chicken noodle soup in a restaurant.

Trucker: "Waitress! There's a hair in my soup."

The waitress gets him another bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Trucker: "Waitress! There's a hair in this soup too! And I ain't paying for it!"

The trucker walks across the street to a whorehouse. The waitress follows him. When she gets there, the trucker is in the back eating pussy.

Waitress: "You crazy fuck! You complained about one hair in your soup and now you have a mouthful of it!?"

Trucker stops what he's doing: "Yep! And if I find one noodle in this pussy, I ain't paying for it either."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Why British newspapers are more fun to read!

http://www.johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/newspaper_01.jpg
http://www.johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/newspaper_02.jpg
http://www.johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/newspaper_03.jpg
http://www.johns-jokes.com/afiles/images/newspaper_04.jpg

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A woman goes into a local police station to report one of her children missing. The detective asks her a series of routine missing child questions then proceeds to ask the child's name.

"Leroy" she responds. "Do you have any other children Miss?" "Yes, ten other boys" she responds. "And what are their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy" "All your sons are named Leroy? Why on earth would you name them all Leroy?"

"She says, "Well that way, when I want them to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come to dinner I just yell LEROY!" "Well" asks the detective, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I call him by his last name," she answers.

 

[shoulderblade]

A woman is showing off her new dress to her husband:

"Does my bum look good in this?"

The man replies:

"It's as big as a washing machine."

Later that evening the man makes overtures of a sexual nature to his wife, she responds by saying:

"I'm not starting the washing machine for such a small load - You'll just have to hand wash it..."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store
wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well.
Only two left."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Slim, not the brightest light in the harbor, walked into the local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall. Word for word he slowly read it out loud: "MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN CALIFORNIA." "Gosh," he said, "if that there job was only here in TEXAS, I'd apply fer it."

 

[shoulderblade]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him...
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.

I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid....
"Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter."

 

[BusyAfternoon]

A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.

The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.

Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

 

[shoulderblade]

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

 

[BusyAfternoon]

Another selfish athlete!..........

This is the kind of crap that just pisses you off, really!


http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/simona-halep-14.jpg?w=500&h=735

Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her breasts.

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the Junior French Open last year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is holding her back.

"This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said.

"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."

"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly"she added.

http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/7081/slide_7081_93614_large.jpg

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!

THIS SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH "WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!

WHAT ABOUT US - THE HARD-WORKING EVERY DAY FAN .....?
http://i327.photobucket.com/albums/k449/DougieTheJock/bth_SimonaHalep.jpg

34DD?
PEOPLE PAY TOP MONEY FOR
JUGS LIKE THAT!
AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS
TO HAVE THEM REDUCED?

JUST PISSES ME OFF ... JUST ANOTHER SELFISH ATHLETE!