Submission and Assertiveness

[YourCaptor]

You said when you don't take charge, shit gets done <.<

You mean the shit part? Shit as in nothing.

 

[ImOnIt]

You mean the shit part? Shit as in nothing.

Ohh, I see. In New Zealand and Australia as I have heard it used... Get shit done means to make things happen. Curse that word for ambiguity! And sorry, too.

EDIT: shit all. I would expect people to say shit all. They did shit all = nothing. btw which country are you from?

 

[Cattypuss]

that could very well be the case for some, and the OP has come back and stated that indeed her self-confidence has increased. however my point still remains, in that confidence and assertiveness are not related: (from merriam webster)

confidence:

a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> <met the risk with brash confidence> b : faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>

assertive:

disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior <an assertive leader>

and as for myself, yes i do suffer from low self-esteem, and it does effect my confidence significantly. i would greatly desire to be somewhat more confident in life. however i have no desire to be more assertive. that is not a quality related to self-esteem, it is a quality related to personality.

You'll see that the word "confident" is actually in the definition of "assertive". "Confident statements" tend to come naturally out of confident mouths.

Fine, we get it - you have no desire to be assertive, even in an imaginary world in which you had some self-confidence/self-esteem (and, by the way, in that world your personality would be different from the one you have now, as self-confidence and self-esteem levels are part of someone's personality, not an add-on).

But the fact remains for the vast majority of people that if they find themselves being more assertive naturally after some personal development/success/happiness, it most likely means that their self-confidence has improved and the increased confidence is feeding the assertiveness.

 

[Cattypuss]

Ohh, I see. In New Zealand and Australia as I have heard it used... Get shit done means to make things happen. Curse that word for ambiguity! And sorry, too.

EDIT: shit all. I would expect people to say shit all. They did shit all = nothing. btw which country are you from?

Same in the UK. "Shit gets done" means "stuff gets done". As in "shit happens", which I believe is also said in the USA.

 

[Adakgirl]

I guess it kind of is a growing self-confidence. I think maybe as well, when i trust him completely, when i'm pretty much at his mercy, part of me begins to feel that i should expect more the rest of the time...

And yeah awesome sex helps too

Consider this carefully.
When you give up control to a Dominant and I mean really start to give it up, you may seek to re-gain some of that control in other parts of your life. Being more assertive in your day to day dealings with other people, speaking up in order to make sure you are going to get what you want, when you want it and how you want it, can be a manifestation of that need.

You may think that it's just you, expecting more, when it really could be that you are compensating for your loss of control by asserting control over others. This can be tricky territory. I suggest you bring it up for discussion with your Dominant.

 

[eastern sun]

Consider this carefully.
When you give up control to a Dominant and I mean really start to give it up, you may seek to re-gain some of that control in other parts of your life. Being more assertive in your day to day dealings with other people, speaking up in order to make sure you are going to get what you want, when you want it and how you want it, can be a manifestation of that need.

You may think that it's just you, expecting more, when it really could be that you are compensating for your loss of control by asserting control over others. This can be tricky territory. I suggest you bring it up for discussion with your Dominant.

Like.

 

[ImOnIt]

Same in the UK. "Shit gets done" means "stuff gets done". As in "shit happens", which I believe is also said in the USA.

Shit happens is more like 'Oh well. Bad fortune.' Unfortunate that your car broke down, but shit happens.

 

[Cattypuss]

Shit happens is more like 'Oh well. Bad fortune.' Unfortunate that your car broke down, but shit happens.

Yeah - I was just using it as another example of "shit" meaning something rather than nothing.

 

[conquered_sun]

You'll see that the word "confident" is actually in the definition of "assertive". "Confident statements" tend to come naturally out of confident mouths.

Fine, we get it - you have no desire to be assertive, even in an imaginary world in which you had some self-confidence/self-esteem (and, by the way, in that world your personality would be different from the one you have now, as self-confidence and self-esteem levels are part of someone's personality, not an add-on).

But the fact remains for the vast majority of people that if they find themselves being more assertive naturally after some personal development/success/happiness, it most likely means that their self-confidence has improved and the increased confidence is feeding the assertiveness.

I think that assertiveness and confidence are to a great extent linked, and I think it is easy to feel cautious about assertiveness. We all know "assertive" people, who are just a nightmare. I feel true assertiveness comes from a confidence to say what you believe and hold to it without needing to force anyone else's hand. That in itself takes a certain amount of confidence.

Whether one requires assertiveness in order to be confident I don't know,but I do feel that one needs confidence in order to be assertive. For me at least, that is the issue.

 

[ImOnIt]

This thread has taught me how to use the word shit in different cultures. Thanks everyone!

 

[conquered_sun]

Consider this carefully.
When you give up control to a Dominant and I mean really start to give it up, you may seek to re-gain some of that control in other parts of your life. Being more assertive in your day to day dealings with other people, speaking up in order to make sure you are going to get what you want, when you want it and how you want it, can be a manifestation of that need.

You may think that it's just you, expecting more, when it really could be that you are compensating for your loss of control by asserting control over others. This can be tricky territory. I suggest you bring it up for discussion with your Dominant.

Thanks for the advice. I had already talked it over with my Dom, his reaction was more or less, "good, it's about time you quit being a doormat." He's told me off a lot for not standing up for myself, so he's pleased.

 

[YourCaptor]

Ohh, I see. In New Zealand and Australia as I have heard it used... Get shit done means to make things happen. Curse that word for ambiguity! And sorry, too.

EDIT: shit all. I would expect people to say shit all. They did shit all = nothing. btw which country are you from?

Could also be something of a bad quality. I think maybe its in the way you say it.

Like, "they did jack shit", "they did shit work"

I'm German, permanent resident in California, and soon to join you down under on visa.

 

[Chiara_searches]

Consider this carefully.
When you give up control to a Dominant and I mean really start to give it up, you may seek to re-gain some of that control in other parts of your life. Being more assertive in your day to day dealings with other people, speaking up in order to make sure you are going to get what you want, when you want it and how you want it, can be a manifestation of that need.

You may think that it's just you, expecting more, when it really could be that you are compensating for your loss of control by asserting control over others. This can be tricky territory. I suggest you bring it up for discussion with your Dominant.

This is very sound advice. I think a vital key to any good relationship, whether it be dominant/submissive or otherwise is good communication.

Thanks for the advice. I had already talked it over with my Dom, his reaction was more or less, "good, it's about time you quit being a doormat." He's told me off a lot for not standing up for myself, so he's pleased.

I'm glad you are talking with him. But keep in mind, as things evolve, you may need to re-evaluate to make sure you aren't shifting things.

To answer the original question, I think I'm coming at it a bit backwards from most. I have a profession where I have to be confident. Was I always the most confident person in the room? Hell no. But I know that I do well at my job and have a certain level of integrity, giving me a stronger voice with which to speak. Yet, something always felt a bit off.

When I accepted my sexually submissive nature, it felt like a cog in the wheel was fixed. Before the wheel turned okay, but there was always a part of it that made a wobble. I suppose it's a question of balance. Since accepting myself, in all aspects, I feel more balanced. That has translated to even more confidence and appropriate assertiveness professionally (but then again, I've only done consulting projects since this adjustment, so it's still a tad theoretical that it will impact things when I'm back to working full time). It has also translated to a different way of interacting with family and friends: I'm more tolerant, patient and honest about my own needs.

I guess, as I write this, I realize when I became more honest with myself, I became more honest with others. If that's viewed as confidently speaking my mind, so be it.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

This thread has taught me how to use the word shit in different cultures. Thanks everyone!

Shit and fuck are both very versatile words.

 

[Cattypuss]

Could also be something of a bad quality. I think maybe its in the way you say it.

Like, "they did jack shit", "they did shit work"

I'm German, permanent resident in California, and soon to join you down under on visa.

In general, as in your two examples -

"shit" as a noun = "stuff/something/bad stuff"

"shit" as an adjective = "bad/poor quality"

("shit" can even, sometimes, mean "poopies").

 

[Kojote]

("shit" can even, sometimes, mean "poopies").

You are kidding, aren't you?!

 

[satindesire]

I think that assertiveness and confidence are to a great extent linked, and I think it is easy to feel cautious about assertiveness. We all know "assertive" people, who are just a nightmare. I feel true assertiveness comes from a confidence to say what you believe and hold to it without needing to force anyone else's hand. That in itself takes a certain amount of confidence.

Whether one requires assertiveness in order to be confident I don't know,but I do feel that one needs confidence in order to be assertive. For me at least, that is the issue.

I don't know...I personally believe that assertive people are too humble to be "a nightmare".

Aggressive does not equal assertive. Dominant does not equal domineering.

They're often confused, but they're not the same.

 

[Kojote]

I don't know...I personally believe that assertive people are too humble to be "a nightmare".

Aggressive does not equal assertive. Dominant does not equal domineering.

They're often confused, but they're not the same.

I'd say that depends on the environment.
I met assertive people (as I interpret it) in groups of 'strong' and 'weak' people. And the latter ones aren't always humble and quite often a nightmare.

Additionally there is one translation (to my language) for the term ('regulatory' may be another word for it), which doesn't go well with humility in my mind.