Stuck on a couple sentenses...need some help.

[Babbs]

Hi everybody. I'm working on my first story and its driving my nuts! I get confused a lot with "as" & "and". The commas throw me off too. I'm having fun though The only thing that bothers me is that everytime I think I'm done, I proofread it and start changing things around. Its like an obsession or something. Anyhow, listed below are some sentenses I'm stuck on. If you kind people could give me a hand with them, I'd appreciate it bunches.

First sentense:

1. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, my mind flooding with nasty thoughts.

2. The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, flooding my mind with nasty thoughts.

Second sentense:

1. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock. It was 5am.

2. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

3. I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain with a smile on my face and turned to look at the alarm clock seeing it was 5am.

Third sentense:

1. The warm water felt good against my skin and I leaned back, closing my eyes, dreaming of you again.

2. The warm water felt good against my skin as I leaned back closing my eyes, dreaming of your again.

Well, those are the sentenses that are driving me nuts. I have a few more but don't want to press my luck.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Mickie]

It's all in the editing. *winks* I find that any difficult or hard to understand sentence usually should be separated into two or more sentences.
First sentence --
The anticipation had kept me tossing and turning throughout the night, my mind flooding with nasty thoughts.

Try -- The anticipation kept me tossing and turning throughout the night. My mind was flooded with nasty thoughts.

Sentence 2 -- I awoke early to the sound of pouring rain, and with a smile on my face, turned to look at the alarm clock. It was 5am.

Try -- The sound of pouring rain woke me early. Turning to look at the clock, I smiled. It was five am.

Sentence 3 -- The warm water felt good against my skin and I leaned back, closing my eyes, dreaming of you again.

Try -- The warm water felt good against my skin. Leaning back, I closed my eyes to dream of you again.

Hope this helps...

Mickie

 

[Weird Harold]

My mind was flooded with nasty thoughts.

This sentence is in Passive Voice.

"Nasty thoughts flooded my mind." is the (prefered) active voice way of expressing the thought.

 

[Babbs]

Thanks Mickie and Harold. I knew something didn't sound right. I liked your ideas and can't wait to make some changes to my story! Is it normal get this excited?

Hugs,
Babbs

 

[Ulyssa]

First time jitters are normal.

Is it normal get this excited?

If the activity of tightening your prose gets you excited, then God has put his curse upon you. You sound and act just like a writer now. You will wonder about these trivial things as a young person and as you get older and more experienced you will start to write little postings to people who are less experienced than you.

Yes, it's normal and I'm sorry. God has singled you out for the life of a writer--whether vocationally or just because you occasionally have to write to "get it out."

Welcome. Good luck. And don't be too hard on yourself--you'll have a whole planet full of people who will be happy to jump all over you and tell you what you're doing wrong.