Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[IslandStyle_44]

I too like thAt point of islands style's.

But, I tiptoe in and say that the same could be said of a meaningless one night stand, ( I am poignantly thinking of a situation in my close acquaintance here..so this time IAms I am making a perhaps for my thought only- direct comparison. I am unable to put details here as it involves another and would be a breech of trust).

Lust is an emotion and one can definitely connect (literally/figuratively) with another person who shares it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I make s rather good chocolate tart. I don't know about this pie stuff you all want.

I also make quite s nice pasdionfruit tart with a tiny bit of chocolate in it. Sounds weird, but it's rather wonderful I think.

That sounds delicious too! Sadly, I'm not good at making tarts though chocolate cake is my favorite...any kind of chocolate cake!

 

[cascadiabound]

That sounds delicious too! Sadly, I'm not good at making tarts though chocolate cake is my favorite...any kind of chocolate cake!

Did someone say Chocolate Cake??? This is the best chocolate cake I have ever had.
Provided are both US and metric measures.

Prep time: 20 mins
Cook time: 1 hour
Total time: 1 hour 20 mins
Serves: 12

Ingredients
Dark Chocolate Cake
• 1 cup Guinness beer
• 2 sticks salted butter (250g)
• ⅔ cup cocoa powder (100g)
• 1¾ cups super fine or caster sugar (400g)
• 5 oz sour cream (140 ml)
• 2 eggs
• 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
• 2 cups plain flour (250g)
• 2½ tsp bicarbonate of soda

Icing
• 4-5 cups sifted icing sugar (500-600g)
• 7 Tbsp butter at room temperature (100g)
• 1 pkg cream cheese at room temperature(250g)
• 4-6 Tbsp Irish Cream (to taste)

Instructions
Dark Chocolate Cake
1. Preheat oven 350 F (180°C) and butter and line a 23cm springform tin.
2. Melt the butter into the Guinness in a saucepan over low heat.
3. Whisk in the cocoa and sugar and take the saucepan off the heat.
4. Beat the sour cream with the eggs and vanilla in a separate bowl until combined, than add to the beer mixture.
5. Whisk in the flour and bicarb until combined.
6. Pour the cake batter into the tin and bake for an hour. The middle of the cake may still be slightly wet when you take the cake out, but it will firm up as it cools down.
7. Leave to cool completely in the tin as it is quite a damp cake and could collapse.

Icing
1. Cream the butter and icing sugar together until well mixed.
2. Add the cream cheese in cubes slowly until incorporated.
3. Add in Irish Cream. Continue mixing for 5 minutes until the icing is light and fluffy.
4. Dollop lashings of the icing onto the top of the cake to recreate the froth on a glass of Guinness. If you are feeling particularly dexterous, slice the cake length-wise and fill the cake with the icing too (there will be definitely be enough icing).

 

[Primalex]

Never mind.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

It's just under the weight given by Cassie.
Usually recipes given in both say stick to one unit or other for whole recipe rather than swapping between units for that reason.

This was an Aussie recipe originally. I had to do the conversions to US so I could make it work for me.
But I have made it a number of times with these measures and it works.

Cassie

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

First of all, I want to apologize to Iams and others for derailing the thread. I have been thinking about the original OP questions and (sigh) now want to take a stab at responding to them seriously.

I would like to open up a serious discussion on this topic...

People often advise new subs to join support groups or chat with other subs. In RL my submission came so naturally I didn't feel the need for "support" other than reading and research I did on my own. But this online thing is very unfamiliar water for me, .... [sic]

I am mainly interested in the emotional impact on subs, [...] And also, the following:

I bolded the bits above, because they feel particularly true for me as well.

1) How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?

When I first came to Lit, I was naive to on-line interactions, let alone BDSM interactions. I was new to understanding myself as a sub and even though I had a RL BDSM relationship, it was not giving me everything I wanted and I was searching for something though what that was I had no idea.

As, I think most women who come to Lit find, I was instantly inundated with attention from men and especially men who self identified as Doms offering to "help me" "train me" etc. I came to believe that as a relatively new sub, I maybe should want this. So, of the various men who seemed serious and were able to string more than 12 sentences together coherently, I undertook what I thought of at the time as bit of an "interview process." It was flawed. I did not get through it unscathed, but it did get me to one and only one man who did not burn me in any way as I dithered and tried to figure out who I might want to interact with in this way. He did not push me. He did not make demands. He was patient and we advanced things slowly step by step. Or so it seemed at the time. He listened to me. He wanted to know my history so he would not damage me. When he made missteps, we talked it though to figure out what he had missed. What bit of information he didn't have that caused the upset. I learned that I could trust him. That he cared about me and that he felt deeply protective of me.

2) How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?

Intermittent contact was a problem for us. He was often unavailable and our schedules did not line up very well. He was essentially never available when I just wanted to reach out to him. He made a commitment to check his email daily which was, he told me, a real stretch for him. More than he would ordinarily do and he was specially modifying his behavior to accommodate my need to be in touch with him. Sometimes when I set aside time when I could be available to him, he did not check his email in time to be able to take advantage of such opportunities. It made me wonder if I was really a priority. But the connection was so intense when we were in communication, my questions about this melted away in those moments and then returned in between.

I think, because I have a RL partner, not having a physical connection may feel a bit less necessary to me. Because I am getting some of my touch needs met. In addition, it is my contention, that while on-line sex is not the same as skin to skin sex, it is very much "REAL" It has a powerful impact on me, profoundly effects how I feel and permanently modifies my memory engrams so that when I think back on these encounters, they feel as "real" in my memory as recalling encounters with former sex partners at other times in my life.

3) Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?

There are things about on-line that can be as satisfying and satiating as a face to face encounter. In some ways, things I was able to share and learn about myself in the context on line has challenged me and my understanding about myself. It forced me to face my history and articulate my needs and desires in ways that a long time partner has little time or patience for. So, no. Not lonely. That is not the correct adjective.

4) Did you get bored? Or fall in love?

I never got bored. There were times when I thought I was in love. Or something like love. I do not think, in retrospect that I was. At the time, because I was so new and so eager to make up for lost time... I was definitely experiencing sub frenzy. I wish reading about sub frenzy was required reading for all subs making a new account on Lit.

5) How long did it last? Why did it end?

It lasted about 5 months. We were in touch for much longer than that actually, and we did try to reconnect after a break. But he was unable to commit to being available to me and communicating to me when he would be available and when I could count on him. That is essentially why it ended.

6) What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

Things that worked: communicating via instant messaging. His go-slow gentle, rules and boundary setting approach. Ongoing communication as we went along. Things that didn't work: intermittent, his unwillingness to trust me enough to share of himself with me. It began to feel more and more inequitable over time.

I feared that I would not be able to reach him. That he would not be available to me when I needed him. That images I gave him or confidential information I shared with him of a personal nature would not be safe. I would stipulate that while it turned out that I was, in fact, not able to reach him reliably, (he was frequently off line), I have no reason to believe that he was at all untrustworthy. In fact... I believe that he still cares about me and would not let anything bad happen to me. From any quarter, if he could help it.

Note: All of these event occurred prior to my current nic. For reasons unrelated to the person I am referencing above, I abandoned my original account.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

First of all, I want to apologize to Iams and others for derailing the thread. I have been thinking about the original OP questions and (sigh) now want to take a stab at responding to them seriously.

So, of the various men who seemed serious and were able to string more than 12 sentences together coherently, I undertook what I thought of at the time as bit of an "interview process." It was flawed. It was flawed, I did not get through it unscathed, but it did get me to one and only one man who did not burn me in any way as I dithered and tried to figure out who I might want to interact with in this way. He did not push me. He did not make demands. He was patient and we advanced things slowly step by step. Or so it seemed at the time. He listened to me. He wanted to know my history so he would not damage me. When he made missteps, we talked it though to figure out what he had missed. What bit of information he didn't have that caused the upset. I learned that I could trust him. That he cared about me and that he felt deeply protective of me.

Intermittent contact was a problem for us. But the connection was so intense when we were in communication, but questions about this melted away in those moments and then returned in between.

I think, because I have a RL partner, not having a physical connection may feel a bit less necessary to me. Because I am getting some of my touch needs met. In addition, it is my contention, that while on-line sex is not the same as skin to skin sex, it is very much "REAL" It has a powerful impact on me, profoundly effects how I feel and permanently modifies my memory engrams so that when I think back on these encounters, they feel as "real" in my memory as recalling encounters with former sex partners at other times in my life.

At the time, because I was so new and so eager to make up for lost time... I was definitely experiencing sub frenzy. I wish reading about sub frenzy was required reading for all subs making a new account on Lit.

Things that worked: communicating via instant messaging. His go-slow gentle, rules and boundary setting approach. Ongoing communication as we went along. Things that didn't work: intermittent, his unwillingness to trust me enough to share of himself with me. It began to feel more and more inequitable over time.

I feared that I would not be able to reach him. That he would not be available to me when I needed him. That images I gave him or confidential information I shared with him of a personal nature would not be safe. I would stipulate that while it turned out that I was in fact not able to reach him reliably, (he was frequently off line) however, I have no reason to believe that he was at all untrustworthy. In fact... I would stipulate that he still cares about me and would not let anything bad happen to me. From any quarter, if he could help it.

No need to apologize...I love chocolate cake and you provided me with an awesome sounding recipe I'm definitely going to try!

Thanks for answering the questions...I tried not to quote your entire comment, but there was so much good stuff I ended up leaving a lot of it

Your interview process sounds like something I would have done too, although it probably would be flawed as you said. I got lucky in that my first (and only so far) was wonderful. I hate to imagine all the 'could have beens' that might have turned out differently. A lot of times I notice some Doms that post regularly on the boards and I like the things they have to say...their opinions on different D/s stuff, likes and dislikes on certain practices, and even their feelings or how they view and treat their sub. Then there are others that make me glad they're not my D. So, I think finding the right match is a really big deal.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, and had a lot of the same fears. Thanks again for sharing your story and chocolate cake recipe!

 

[cascadiabound]

No need to apologize...I love chocolate cake and you provided me with an awesome sounding recipe I'm definitely going to try!

[....]

I can relate to a lot of what you said, and had a lot of the same fears. Thanks again for sharing your story and chocolate cake recipe!

you are welcome, Iams

btw ~ the icing is unbelievable. make sure you really beat it until it is light. But then.... omg... I think it is the best icing I have ever had.

cb

 

[IslandStyle_44]

First of all, I want to apologize to Iams and others for derailing the thread.

Actually, I had a role in that before you. Doesn't change the fact that I want the pie recipe. Still, apologies for the semi-hijack, IamS.

CB, it's a shame that contact was limited/sparse especially for your first D. There needs to be a mutual commitment in time for each other. Once there's imbalance, it leads to doubt. I made friends recently with a young lady that was into Dd/lg. Not really my scene, but I liked her as a person. Her feelings were mutual so we experimented a bit. We found a groove and feelings developed. Like you, I have a RL partner so the need for physical contact was nil but frequent comms was needed (and mutually agreed upon prior). I was concerned with her age and maturity initially but I assumed a degree and career might overcome my concern. What forced me to end it was the lack of understanding and respect for ones time. It was a difficult ending for her (to an extent for me too), but it needed to happen. Not because I'm some great catch, but because our priorities were different (see: millennial).

Time is precious and one needs to both respect it and sacrifice some of it for the sake of the partnership. Anyhow, sorry that happened to you. Daily email is a fairly low-level expectation. I want daily interaction via IM and a call or two a week. That's just me.

Oh, thanks for the share, btw.

 

[MeekMe]

Millennial - useless generalization oversimplifying characteristics of a group of individuals born around a similar time that changes depending on what article you're reading.

 

[IslandStyle_44]

Millennial - useless generalization oversimplifying characteristics of a group of individuals born around a similar time that changes depending on what article you're reading.

MeekMe, a totally fair call out on ageism. Sometimes I talk shit (British version) after the witching hour when I should battle insomnia in other ways or at least stick to one-line responses that require less consciousness on my part. Thanks for resetting my bearings.

 

[cascadiabound]

Not to defend a pegorative characterization of a generation, older or younger, I would comment, that one of the things I have found when trying to establish connections on-line, that large age differences are a challenge. I have found that when more formative "generational" memories are shared, it is sometimes easier to "speak the same language" and have shared expectations.

There are lots of advantages too when interacting with people of varying ages, backgrounds, or from different parts of the world...your assumptions get challenged more often perhaps. And the opportunity to learn from those differences is obvious. But it requires additional effort. One that I find I am happy to make with platonic friends, less willing to endure if I am also trying to establish an intimate connection.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[TheOlderGuy]

As Cassie said, "There are lots of advantages too when interacting with people of varying ages, backgrounds, or from different parts of the world...your assumptions get challenged more often perhaps. And the opportunity to learn from those differences is obvious. . . . "

I love the interaction with all generations. I think it's one of the things that modern culture MOST lacks. We grew up evolutionarily in small groups (up to 150), people whom we knew everything about, whom we trusted implicitly, whom we shared food, safety, childcare, and sexual partners. So, other than legal age (and I seriously question where we have drawn THAT line) there is no age gap too great to make the best of.

 

[RedSilk69]

Did someone say Chocolate Cake??? This is the best chocolate cake I have ever had. I make it for St Patricks Day every year. But it would be good any time.
Provided are both US and metric measures.

Dark Chocolate Guinness Cake with Irish Cream Cheese Icing
Author: Swah
Prep time: 20 mins
Cook time: 1 hour
Total time: 1 hour 20 mins
Serves: 12

Ingredients
Dark Chocolate Guinness Cake
• 1 cup Guinness beer
• 2 sticks salted butter (250g)
• ⅔ cup cocoa powder (100g)
• 1¾ cups super fine or caster sugar (400g)
• 5 oz sour cream (140 ml)
• 2 eggs
• 1 Tbsp vanilla extract
• 2 cups plain flour (250g)
• 2½ tsp bicarbonate of soda

Baileys Cream Cheese Icing
• 4-5 cups sifted icing sugar (500-600g)
• 7 Tbsp butter at room temperature (100g)
• 1 pkg cream cheese at room temperature(250g)
• 4-6 Tbsp Irish Cream (to taste)

Instructions
Dark Chocolate Guinness Cake
1. Preheat oven 350 F (180°C) and butter and line a 23cm springform tin.
2. Melt the butter into the Guinness in a saucepan over low heat.
3. Whisk in the cocoa and sugar and take the saucepan off the heat.
4. Beat the sour cream with the eggs and vanilla in a separate bowl until combined, than add to the beer mixture.
5. Whisk in the flour and bicarb until combined.
6. Pour the cake batter into the tin and bake for an hour. The middle of the cake may still be slightly wet when you take the cake out, but it will firm up as it cools down.
7. Leave to cool completely in the tin as it is quite a damp cake and could collapse.

Irish Cream Cheese Icing
1. Cream the butter and icing sugar together until well mixed.
2. Add the cream cheese in cubes slowly until incorporated.
3. Add in Irish Cream. Continue mixing for 5 minutes until the icing is light and fluffy.
4. Dollop lashings of the icing onto the top of the cake to recreate the froth on a glass of Guinness. If you are feeling particularly dexterous, slice the cake length-wise and fill the cake with the icing too (there will be definitely be enough icing).

This alone is worth the price of admission Thanks!

I always "Mexicanize" my brownies, by adding cinnamon and chipotle. Tasty!!!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

In RL I think age differences have more of a contrast the younger you are. The difference between 20 and 35 seems huge. 40 and 55, not so much. The oldest person I've dated was 12 years older than me. I was a lot younger, around 22, and even though I thought of myself as more mature than my age, there was still a lot about the world I was naive to and my partner wasnt. I sometimes felt inadequate in comparison, and although he didn't treat me like I was too young I got the feeling he did think I was silly sometimes. (To be fair, I'm still silly a lot of times even now.)

The youngest person I've dated was only 3 years younger than me. Not that I have anything against dating a younger man...it just hasn't happened. Too young for me would be anyone that made me feel like their mother...so, not really a specific age, but a specific mental maturity...independent, confident, responsible, well educated, and some worldly experience. Honestly, I do tend to seek a partner that is near my age or a little older because I think we would have more in common. Plus, I think they have a better idea of who they are and what they want.

Online, I'm not really sure age matters. It does seem easier to connect with someone if you have common experiences/interests which might be age related, but not always so. And it's definitely nice to get to know people that are much different than yourself in age, views, experience, interests, and location. Not sure how compatible that would make you in a more than platonic relationship though. Guess it all depends.

I have noticed on some of the personals where much older Doms are seeking young subs for online commitments. And I wonder why that is. Are they just looking for less experienced so they can "train" them? Are they hoping they'll be more attractive if sharing pics? Is it an ego thing...hey, I got this hot young girl? Do younger girls have more endurance to perform tasks? Or maybe they're more willing to follow any orders? Hmm...more answers I don't have.

 

[cascadiabound]

What's a large age difference in people's opinion?

As Iams said - a large difference when younger, becomes immaterial when older.
When I was first dating I dated a man 8 years older than me, and looking back on it, it was probably inappropriate for him to be dating me.

These days, my rule of thumb for interacting with male litsters (even casually - cause it has just gotten me in trouble when I did not follow this rule) is that if you were born after I met my husband (which, frankly was a LONG time ago)- you are TOO YOUNG. I do not have a too old rule.

 

[KimGordon67]

Did anyone else notice that SilverBass seems to have evaporated - like, his actual account has gone?

 

[cascadiabound]

Did anyone else notice that SilverBass seems to have evaporated - like, his actual account has gone?

He told me that he had decided to ask to have his account deleted. I didn't know you could do that.

And I really do not understand why he made that decision.

 

[KimGordon67]

He told me that he had decided to ask to have his account deleted. I didn't know you could do that.

And I really do not understand why he made that decision.

LOL - maybe he really DOES know better than us about everything then.

 

[yossi]

He told me that he had decided to ask to have his account deleted. I didn't know you could do that.

Huh, I know people have asked, but I thought it was only done in dire circumstances.