49greg
Literotica Hack
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I second the motion, very well said 3113.
On another subject - when I see the name "3113" I can't help think that it might be some character in a "Sweet Gwendoline" type story.
Spouses
- Thread starter titridingman
- Start date
I second the motion, very well said 3113.
On another subject - when I see the name "3113" I can't help think that it might be some character in a "Sweet Gwendoline" type story.
colddiesel
Literotica Guru
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You've had a long, long time to rationalise your position and convince yourself that you are right - may be you are, maybe not, maybe somewhere in between.
Bluntly, titridingman I suspect that you are a weakling who maybe needs this relationship (however flawed) more than you are prepared to admit. Your unwillingness to confront the situation with her (note, not confront her) is telling.
You may bristle at my allegation but in my observation over many years, many (perhaps the majority) of otherwise capable men are pretty useless at managing their most important relationship.
Ask yourself the following:-
Do you need her?
Do you love her?
Do you respect her?
Then put yourself in her shoes and have her ask:-
Does she need you?
Does she love you?
Does she respect you?
On the basis of what you have presented you both score a one out of three, you have a need for one another. Anything else?
Maybe you both need a kick up the backside.
Bluntly, titridingman I suspect that you are a weakling who maybe needs this relationship (however flawed) more than you are prepared to admit. Your unwillingness to confront the situation with her (note, not confront her) is telling.
You may bristle at my allegation but in my observation over many years, many (perhaps the majority) of otherwise capable men are pretty useless at managing their most important relationship.
Ask yourself the following:-
Do you need her?
Do you love her?
Do you respect her?
Then put yourself in her shoes and have her ask:-
Does she need you?
Does she love you?
Does she respect you?
On the basis of what you have presented you both score a one out of three, you have a need for one another. Anything else?
Maybe you both need a kick up the backside.
NaokoSmith
Honourable Slut
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Ah, LOL, I will just reinterpret the somewhat harsh words of colddiesel slightly.
Meaning only the best for all concerned, you may have behaved in a way which suggests you would also tattoo the word Welcome on your manly hairy chest and lie down on the floor for your partner to walk over. She may be walking all over you, even though you don't think you asked for that, but for a mutually supportive relationship in which to bring up your child.
Going to a counselor yourself will allow you to explore that and other possibilities, and she may follow you into counseling if you go.
I will add, that going to a lawyer will give you confidence. It sounds a lot better if you come to argue the toss and you can say: "And I have been to the top lawyer on separation and divorce in this area already, so I know my rights, and BTW, the top lawyer in this area is mine now so you will have to put up with second best if you contest my rights." That is what I uh ... would do and I have found it works much better than saying: "Yes dear, and here is your breakfast with my heart chopped up on top of it."
Meaning only the best for all concerned, you may have behaved in a way which suggests you would also tattoo the word Welcome on your manly hairy chest and lie down on the floor for your partner to walk over. She may be walking all over you, even though you don't think you asked for that, but for a mutually supportive relationship in which to bring up your child.
Going to a counselor yourself will allow you to explore that and other possibilities, and she may follow you into counseling if you go.
I will add, that going to a lawyer will give you confidence. It sounds a lot better if you come to argue the toss and you can say: "And I have been to the top lawyer on separation and divorce in this area already, so I know my rights, and BTW, the top lawyer in this area is mine now so you will have to put up with second best if you contest my rights." That is what I uh ... would do
and I have found it works much better than saying: "Yes dear, and here is your breakfast with my heart chopped up on top of it." 
NaokoSmith
Honourable Slut
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AMD has a point here. If you think your wife is unhappy, it may be worth saying you want to do the couples counseling so she can find some happiness, as well as you. Putting it as: I am troubled and want to figure some stuff out. You seem to be troubled too, how can I support you in figuring this out? does come across better than You are a fucking nutcase, let me drag you down to someone who will hopefully lock you up forever.
There is always, as colddiesel and AMD hint, a dynamic going on in couples. It can be helpful to both of you to have some professional insight and figure out ways in which you set each other off and you both get the worst of each other instead of managing to bring out the good qualities which brought you together in the first place.
That's whether you stay together or split. Easier to split from someone who has come to a better mutual agreement about apportioning responsibility, than someone who is spitting feathers already from years of blame game.
squirrelzo
Really Experienced
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Sounds like you are using your marriage and wife as an excuse not to write. You want to so badly! You can't stop the ideas! You WOULD write amazing things if only it weren't for....
Maybe you hang onto to lifeless marriage because it gives you something to point to and say That's why I can't do it.
You're actually afraid and reluctant to act on your needs and desires. You keep the wife close to you to blame it on her. If she wasn't around then you'd actually have to do something!
All this makes me dying to hear what you would write, if you could.
[QtoUOTE=titridingman;57602999]It isn't just here. It is everything. If I am five minutes late from work. If I get a text after 9 pm of any kind, a birthday reminder from facebook set her off once. If I'm logged into yahoo messenger. If I say something like "Salma Hayek looks good for her age." Any of those things set her off. Finding out I'm on here would make her go nuclear. As would her finding out I've written anything remotely erotic.
And before someone says it, no it isn't thing I've ever done. I've never cheated. She's never caught me RPing or anything (in fact I started RPing because I was tired of the BS involved in getting her naked). She's been schizo since ten seconds after I put a ring on her finger.
We've got a kid so I want things to work, but I gotta write. For anyone who knows, it is like bees in the brain. I really hate than when working on something non-erotic, I feel guilty after writing a very mild sex scene; I know my wife would consider it "cheating" because I wrote it in the first person. Talking to her won't work, been trying that for a decade. Just looking for advice on how to clear enough safe space in my life to get some words done.[/QUOTE]
Maybe you hang onto to lifeless marriage because it gives you something to point to and say That's why I can't do it.
You're actually afraid and reluctant to act on your needs and desires. You keep the wife close to you to blame it on her. If she wasn't around then you'd actually have to do something!
All this makes me dying to hear what you would write, if you could.
[QtoUOTE=titridingman;57602999]It isn't just here. It is everything. If I am five minutes late from work. If I get a text after 9 pm of any kind, a birthday reminder from facebook set her off once. If I'm logged into yahoo messenger. If I say something like "Salma Hayek looks good for her age." Any of those things set her off. Finding out I'm on here would make her go nuclear. As would her finding out I've written anything remotely erotic.
And before someone says it, no it isn't thing I've ever done. I've never cheated. She's never caught me RPing or anything (in fact I started RPing because I was tired of the BS involved in getting her naked). She's been schizo since ten seconds after I put a ring on her finger.
We've got a kid so I want things to work, but I gotta write. For anyone who knows, it is like bees in the brain. I really hate than when working on something non-erotic, I feel guilty after writing a very mild sex scene; I know my wife would consider it "cheating" because I wrote it in the first person. Talking to her won't work, been trying that for a decade. Just looking for advice on how to clear enough safe space in my life to get some words done.[/QUOTE]
PervOtaku
Really Really Experienced
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I don't know if anybody here reads the comics in newspapers. Janis in the comic Arlo and Janis was like this, years ago. To the point that it wasn't funny anymore. Eventually she got over it. The author, Jimmy Johnson, started a blog a couple years back where he posts old favorite strips and stuff. It came out in the blog that Janis in her perpetually jealous, paranoid years was based off Johnson's wife at the time, now his ex-wife.
Women who are like this, I don't know, they either need therapy or they will find out what a self-fulfilling prophecy is.
patientlee
I won't tell!
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There are men like this too. Just sayin'.
BuckyDuckman
Literotica Guru
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Dude, my heart goes out to you on so many different levels. A few thoughts from my world:
My opinion: paranoia like you describe suggests a horrible sense of insecurity in your wife and exceptionally low self-esteem. She could be depressed. Good luck getting that diagnosed, but even your family doctor can make that analysis. It could be a good first step.
My opinion: None of this is new for you. What's new? How inhibited you feel about it all. I respect that you apparently fell in love with a flawed person. It happens. The "Now what?" question is the tough part.
My opinion: If you "do it for you" and hide it, you'll need to get good at hiding it and compartmentalizing that part of your life. Some people are really good at that. Some aren't. Some can do it and hate themselves for doing it. Who knows which kind you will be?
I took to writing erotica years ago when there was still a strong magazine market for short form erotica. Initially, I did it as a way to get published. After several dozen successful sales, I felt like a "real" writer. Later, I came back to erotica because it provides me a safe proving ground for practicing the craft of writing. I can test out different POV or voices on erotic "throw-aways."
My wife was once supportive of ALL my writing. Then, there came the day when she asked me to stop writing erotica. I understand why she did it. In her heart, she had grown concerned that I was writing erotica to the exclusion of all other forms of writing. If she could get me to stop writing erotica, then would I be "forced" to write other things?
I agreed, but a big problem occurred. I became so resentful at being told "You can't write this. . ." I stopped writing all together. Instead of writing, I'd sit in front of the computer and play game. That went on for a couple of years before she realized, I wasn't doing any kind of writing.
There came a day when she said, "Please write. Please write anything you want." She could tell I was missing writing. Since then? We've been in a "don't ask/don't tell" position about my writing. I don't hide it nor do I share it - any of it. Erotic or non-erotic.
For us, that works. While she's an avid reader, she was never a good alpha reader. I don't miss her opinion and I guess she doesn't miss my constant, "Hey, wanna read something?" At times, I think I was as pesky as a wanna-be magician running around with a deck cards, saying, "Pick a card, any card!"
Honesty is great advice. Detente is a workable solution.
My opinion: paranoia like you describe suggests a horrible sense of insecurity in your wife and exceptionally low self-esteem. She could be depressed. Good luck getting that diagnosed, but even your family doctor can make that analysis. It could be a good first step.
My opinion: None of this is new for you. What's new? How inhibited you feel about it all. I respect that you apparently fell in love with a flawed person. It happens. The "Now what?" question is the tough part.
My opinion: If you "do it for you" and hide it, you'll need to get good at hiding it and compartmentalizing that part of your life. Some people are really good at that. Some aren't. Some can do it and hate themselves for doing it. Who knows which kind you will be?
I took to writing erotica years ago when there was still a strong magazine market for short form erotica. Initially, I did it as a way to get published. After several dozen successful sales, I felt like a "real" writer. Later, I came back to erotica because it provides me a safe proving ground for practicing the craft of writing. I can test out different POV or voices on erotic "throw-aways."
My wife was once supportive of ALL my writing. Then, there came the day when she asked me to stop writing erotica. I understand why she did it. In her heart, she had grown concerned that I was writing erotica to the exclusion of all other forms of writing. If she could get me to stop writing erotica, then would I be "forced" to write other things?
I agreed, but a big problem occurred. I became so resentful at being told "You can't write this. . ." I stopped writing all together. Instead of writing, I'd sit in front of the computer and play game. That went on for a couple of years before she realized, I wasn't doing any kind of writing.
There came a day when she said, "Please write. Please write anything you want." She could tell I was missing writing. Since then? We've been in a "don't ask/don't tell" position about my writing. I don't hide it nor do I share it - any of it. Erotic or non-erotic.
For us, that works. While she's an avid reader, she was never a good alpha reader. I don't miss her opinion and I guess she doesn't miss my constant, "Hey, wanna read something?" At times, I think I was as pesky as a wanna-be magician running around with a deck cards, saying, "Pick a card, any card!"
Honesty is great advice. Detente is a workable solution.
titridingman
Virgin
- Joined
- Mar 2, 2004
- Posts
- 28
I've gotta find a way to sneak on here more often; this thing went crazy. Again, I appreciate the views.
As far as therapy goes, it doesn't work on me. I've done it before and it is literally just a lot of talk. Writing does me more good than anything.
I don't want couples therapy so I get anything from it. Not that I'm perfect -- I'm not -- but I'm also not the one that has paranoid delusions and a penchant for taking off. I'm not the one dat need a talking-to, as the old folks say. I just want her to calm down. Seems every day is a fresh hell and a fresh dose of being accused of things I would never do.
To those that say it is my fault: Congratulations, you made me think. The only thing I could think of that might have created this rampaging delusion of me messing around is old, old news. Six months before she took off the first time, we're hanging at the bar her sister worked at when a new lady none of us knows comes in and just starts jabbering with the group. Even three sheets to the wind, I was with it enough to keep two feet between me and the new lady at all times. Unfortunately, new lady didn't get the memo and kept trying to get my attention. I ignored her, flashed the wedding ring, all of that and eventually she went away. She showed up twice I think after that in the next six months, and I did the same dance. A few months after wife took off -- with one of her Daddy's friends I might add; no Daddy issues there at all -- the lady shows up again and I am bombed like Hiroshima. She takes me home, it happens again and again for about the next 9 months or so you know the rest blah blah blah. Eventually, wife hears about it, develops issues with lady, even after that relationship ends and I am two girlfriends down the line from her when wife comes back around again. As far as I am concerned I had every right, I exercised it and that story's done. But not with wife. She still goes off about that even though we were separated at the time and it was six years ago. Like I said, psycho.
Before somebody says "Aha! Drinking!": I was diagnosed as diabetic four years ago. Haven't had so much as a sip of beer since then.
We do need to work on our communication. I've tried and tried doing that. I try to give her a heads up about how things need to run to function smoothly. She ignores it and just goes and does whatever the voices tell her to, I'm assuming. 99% of her actions seem illogical at best. Like I said, anything that comes from me is discounted out of hand. She's made it clear she has no respect for me -- taking off twice kinda gave that away -- or anything I need. All I need is some space. And while a storybook marriage would be great, it ain't happening. Neither is some kind of DMZ I can work in. She's forced me in to sneaking around like I'm manwhoring to fat women just to get the mundane stories out of my head. Can't imagine what her finding out I'm writing darker stuff would do.
This is a porn site? I don't consider erotica porn, but just another division of writing. Porn lacks themes and all but the barest psychological motivations. It isn't worth the time to 'write'. I'll admit, I don't really know what the stories are on this site as I've read all of two in about 12 years or so of knowing about and occasionally visiting the site. In fact, other than M. de Sade -- who I don't consider an 'erotic' writer -- the only thing I have ever read that could be called erotica is Anne Rice's 'Belinda'.
As far as therapy goes, it doesn't work on me. I've done it before and it is literally just a lot of talk. Writing does me more good than anything.
I don't want couples therapy so I get anything from it. Not that I'm perfect -- I'm not -- but I'm also not the one that has paranoid delusions and a penchant for taking off. I'm not the one dat need a talking-to, as the old folks say. I just want her to calm down. Seems every day is a fresh hell and a fresh dose of being accused of things I would never do.
To those that say it is my fault: Congratulations, you made me think. The only thing I could think of that might have created this rampaging delusion of me messing around is old, old news. Six months before she took off the first time, we're hanging at the bar her sister worked at when a new lady none of us knows comes in and just starts jabbering with the group. Even three sheets to the wind, I was with it enough to keep two feet between me and the new lady at all times. Unfortunately, new lady didn't get the memo and kept trying to get my attention. I ignored her, flashed the wedding ring, all of that and eventually she went away. She showed up twice I think after that in the next six months, and I did the same dance. A few months after wife took off -- with one of her Daddy's friends I might add; no Daddy issues there at all -- the lady shows up again and I am bombed like Hiroshima. She takes me home, it happens again and again for about the next 9 months or so you know the rest blah blah blah. Eventually, wife hears about it, develops issues with lady, even after that relationship ends and I am two girlfriends down the line from her when wife comes back around again. As far as I am concerned I had every right, I exercised it and that story's done. But not with wife. She still goes off about that even though we were separated at the time and it was six years ago. Like I said, psycho.
Before somebody says "Aha! Drinking!": I was diagnosed as diabetic four years ago. Haven't had so much as a sip of beer since then.
We do need to work on our communication. I've tried and tried doing that. I try to give her a heads up about how things need to run to function smoothly. She ignores it and just goes and does whatever the voices tell her to, I'm assuming. 99% of her actions seem illogical at best. Like I said, anything that comes from me is discounted out of hand. She's made it clear she has no respect for me -- taking off twice kinda gave that away -- or anything I need. All I need is some space. And while a storybook marriage would be great, it ain't happening. Neither is some kind of DMZ I can work in. She's forced me in to sneaking around like I'm manwhoring to fat women just to get the mundane stories out of my head. Can't imagine what her finding out I'm writing darker stuff would do.
This is a porn site? I don't consider erotica porn, but just another division of writing. Porn lacks themes and all but the barest psychological motivations. It isn't worth the time to 'write'. I'll admit, I don't really know what the stories are on this site as I've read all of two in about 12 years or so of knowing about and occasionally visiting the site. In fact, other than M. de Sade -- who I don't consider an 'erotic' writer -- the only thing I have ever read that could be called erotica is Anne Rice's 'Belinda'.
NaokoSmith
Honourable Slut
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2012
- Posts
- 9,973
I think like you that the kind of stories which most people who regularly post in here write are not porn. I think if you get to the stage where you're being accused of sneaking off to write ... erotic literature! you can legitimately turn round and say: "So?"
I recently was asked to be a School Governor. I was pretty hesitant, as I do write explicit erotica, as well as run my more educational review blog, and I come on here and I post some really outrageous things. It's all just practicing writing exercises, of course
But everyone I expressed anxiety to said they didn't see it as a problem. They understood (or anyway, they really wanted me to step up to this thankless task so they convinced themselves) that writing literature exploring sexuality is a fine upstanding activity uh ... so to speak. I don't write incest myself, but I have come to think of it as a means to explore a number of themes about sexuality, which are not related to wanting to fuck your siblings/parents/child. Yah yah, blogpost coming up - once I have done the dishes, fed the cats, gone and done an interview for new teaching contracts, nipped round the shops to buy in some necessary household items and picked up food for supper
. I still think this is a legitimate outlet, indeed as others have said, a really necessary one for you. When you are a writer, you have to write, and you need to express what is on your mind, not censor yourself. Nabakov, DH Lawrence, people said they were vile filthy porn merchants but we know a lot better now. Nobody goes and drags John Irving through the courts for writing Hotel New Hampshire, do they?
Good luck and enjoy your writing!
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